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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Bitter Sweet Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 7:50am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bitter Sweet by D.F. Duncan - Drama, Crime - Carl Johnson is an ex-con with problems. He's broke, his affair with his brother's wife is about to explode and someone's offering him a 'job' he cannot refuse. How did life become so complicated? 119 pages - doc, format


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Lon
Posted: May 6th, 2006, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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This being in .doc format I have no idea what page I'm on, but I stopped when Carl walks out of the barber shop after speaking with Pepper.

Not bad so far.  I'm assuming you're British from the script's setting and some of the dialogue.  Some format problems here and there, but nothing which can't be easily fixed.

Carl Johnson -- I don't know if I think this is clever for being the same name as the character in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas -- who your Carl Johnson thus far closely mirrors, or if I think you're in for a world of copyright trouble lol

I do believe I'm liking how the characters are unfolding so far.  Already though, I do think you're wasting an opportunity on a bigger dramatic pay-off with Saha and Carl; I won't go into specifics right now, but I'd think holding out that revelation until later in the script would -- like maybe the mid-point -- would better serve that story point (again, I've not read it all so I may just be talking out of my ass, here).

One other thing; Simon is either Simon or Saeed.  Not both.  You have him addressed as Saeed, but the character name above his dialogue is "Simon."  

Keep an eye on your descriptions; you're writing in prose in some instances, and describing things we won't be able to see  -- Simon takes out his phone, starts to call Saha, decides not to, puts his phone away.  How do we know it's Saha he's about to call?  If he changes his mind and just puts his phone away anyway, no need to have this bit in there at all.

Still, it's kept my interest so far.  I'll be finishing it up, probably later tonight.

- Lon
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DF Duncan
Posted: May 7th, 2006, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Lon,

thanks for the comments and taking the time to read the script.

I was totally unaware of the GTA connection, I might have to rectify that. This is definitely not a 'gangsta' movie.

I'll look out for the prose next time, thanks for the tip.

Once you've finished, let me know if you think the fractured/non linear narrative works.
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Lon
Posted: May 9th, 2006, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Just finished reading the rest.  

The non-linear style is fine; but I think you should find better ways of signalling when time goes back and forth.  Try adding a year after the slugline/scene heading, or even a quick one or two word eye-mark.

INT. SILVER CAR - NIGHT - 1990

or

INT. SILVER CAR - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

It helps avoid the "younger looking Carl" bit you add in and makes it more apparent without having to tack on unnecessary description in your action paragraphs.  It will totally eradicate the need to notify the reader that it's, "the night of the shooting".

The only time I don't think it worked was when you went from Carl on the phone to Saha, then directly to Carl, Pepper and Denton ready to commit their crime, and then you jump back in time again.  It was a bit clumsy, and I'd actually just leave out that little scene with Carl saying "let's go get this money" (sorry if I misquoted that).

Spelling and grammar - several misspells and syntax errors, but nothing so major that it can't be quickly fixed.  "Would have" instead of "Would of," "they're" instead of "there," things like that.

Incidentally, including the names of specific songs in your script is a big no-no unless they are absolutely vital to the plot.  Naming background music is the kind of thing only Quentin Tarantino can get away with.  You're setting yourself up for a rights headache.  Also, talking about movies specific movies in a script is fine; once you start showing actual movies on tv screens, however, you're once again getting yourself into a rights issue.  Better to say "Carl watches a sci-fi movie" or "As they talk, slow hip-hop ballad plays from the stereo."  Let the producer worry about what songs to get for the soundtrack, because it's all going to depend which songs he/she can afford the rights to.


Now, moving on to the story itself.   SPOILERS *******************************





I really liked it.  I liked Carl and felt for him.  I've got three younger brothers of my own and have had to step up for each one -- on more than one occasion -- when they've put themselves into situations they can't handle.  I identify with Carl, and I want to see him rewarded for loving his brother and doing what he thought was the right thing and protecting him.  I wanted to see him end up with Saha, because he's a good man, at base, and deserves the unconditional love of a good woman.  But that didn't happen, and I'll get to that in a minute...

At first I thought I knew how Simon's arc was going to end, but you surprised me in two ways:  
1)...in the way he handled Saha telling him about her and Carl.  The way the story was going, I thought for sure history was going to repeat itself -- Simon would kill Saha and Carl would be stuck with the blame.  I'm glad you didn't make that happen.
2)...in the way that you reveal Simon is actually the one who shot the mugger on that fateful night, and that Carl covered for him.  That WORKS.  Personally, I'd change it from a mugger to something else; usually if someone kills a mugger it's in self-defense.  I've not heard of anyone spending an inordinate amount of time in prison for defending themselves in a situation like that -- typically it's referred to as "justifiable homicide" or "manslaughter.".  I don't know...it just doesn't seem feasible.  But everything else that has to do with the crime and Carl taking the blame for his brother works.

This is a very strong story overall, kudos to you on that.  But I feel compelled to say that as a reader who grew to care about your characters, I did not like the ending.  Saha's depression/suicide came on very quickly, when just a few scenes before you had Carl all but admit that he loved her, too.  I wanted to see them have a future together.  I was surprised to learn the baby was indeed Simon's -- that part needs to stay.  I just think that Saha's suicide went against the character you'd portrayed her to be.  You set up a great ending, but delivered one that seemed forced and contrived.

I think a more appropriate ending would be:  Simon kicks Saha out and beats up Carl.  Carl and Simon's relationship as loving brothers seemingly over forever.  Jump ahead to the birth of the baby -- Carl by Saha's side..  Jump immediately forward to the paternity test results.  Have CARL be the one who has the test done.  It makes him a stronger character, taking the initiative to go to his brother and not only admit, but SHOW Simon was right all along about the baby.  This also means Simon, who obviously wants to be a father to his child, will have to work out his selfish differences with Carl and Saha.  In your script, whether you realize it or not -- or even if Simon realizes it or not -- he needs to forgive Saha and Carl.  He needs to be able to see his own inadequacies as Saha's husband; this will lead him to a stronger relationship with Joyce.  

Just keep in mind, I'm not telling you to change your ending.  I just sat back and thought about it for a few minutes after I finished reading it and thought, "No.  These characters need to sort out their differences.  Carl and Saha deserve to end up together, and they both deserve to be forgiven by the one character who owes each of them more than he could ever repay."  Your story deserves a happy ending.

END SPOILERS ************************************************

Back to the positives, of which there are many.  Again, strong characters, the non-linear device works (though needs some polishing, as mentioned above) and the dramatic aspects of their relationships with one another are compelling.  Now all you have to do is tighten it up some, nip some extraneous dialogue (and I'm begging you, work on that ending   ) and you've got a winner.

Good luck.  And keep writing!

- Lon
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DF Duncan
Posted: May 13th, 2006, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Lon

Much appreciated. I'll have a look at that ending. See what I can do. This was a first draft and so many changes are needed. Thanks for the positive feedback

I'll keep writing!

Dan
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