Just finished reading the rest.
The non-linear style is fine; but I think you should find better ways of signalling when time goes back and forth. Try adding a year after the slugline/scene heading, or even a quick one or two word eye-mark.
INT. SILVER CAR - NIGHT - 1990
or
INT. SILVER CAR - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
It helps avoid the "younger looking Carl" bit you add in and makes it more apparent without having to tack on unnecessary description in your action paragraphs. It will totally eradicate the need to notify the reader that it's, "the night of the shooting".
The only time I don't think it worked was when you went from Carl on the phone to Saha, then directly to Carl, Pepper and Denton ready to commit their crime, and then you jump back in time again. It was a bit clumsy, and I'd actually just leave out that little scene with Carl saying "let's go get this money" (sorry if I misquoted that).
Spelling and grammar - several misspells and syntax errors, but nothing so major that it can't be quickly fixed. "Would have" instead of "Would of," "they're" instead of "there," things like that.
Incidentally, including the names of specific songs in your script is a big no-no unless they are absolutely vital to the plot. Naming background music is the kind of thing only Quentin Tarantino can get away with. You're setting yourself up for a rights headache. Also, talking about movies specific movies in a script is fine; once you start showing actual movies on tv screens, however, you're once again getting yourself into a rights issue. Better to say "Carl watches a sci-fi movie" or "As they talk, slow hip-hop ballad plays from the stereo." Let the producer worry about what songs to get for the soundtrack, because it's all going to depend which songs he/she can afford the rights to.
Now, moving on to the story itself. SPOILERS *******************************
I really liked it. I liked Carl and felt for him. I've got three younger brothers of my own and have had to step up for each one -- on more than one occasion -- when they've put themselves into situations they can't handle. I identify with Carl, and I want to see him rewarded for loving his brother and doing what he thought was the right thing and protecting him. I wanted to see him end up with Saha, because he's a good man, at base, and deserves the unconditional love of a good woman. But that didn't happen, and I'll get to that in a minute...
At first I thought I knew how Simon's arc was going to end, but you surprised me in two ways:
1)...in the way he handled Saha telling him about her and Carl. The way the story was going, I thought for sure history was going to repeat itself -- Simon would kill Saha and Carl would be stuck with the blame. I'm glad you didn't make that happen.
2)...in the way that you reveal Simon is actually the one who shot the mugger on that fateful night, and that Carl covered for him. That WORKS. Personally, I'd change it from a mugger to something else; usually if someone kills a mugger it's in self-defense. I've not heard of anyone spending an inordinate amount of time in prison for defending themselves in a situation like that -- typically it's referred to as "justifiable homicide" or "manslaughter.". I don't know...it just doesn't seem feasible. But everything else that has to do with the crime and Carl taking the blame for his brother works.
This is a very strong story overall, kudos to you on that. But I feel compelled to say that as a reader who grew to care about your characters, I
did not like the ending. Saha's depression/suicide came on very quickly, when just a few scenes before you had Carl all but admit that he loved her, too. I wanted to see them have a future together. I was surprised to learn the baby was indeed Simon's -- that part needs to stay. I just think that Saha's suicide went against the character you'd portrayed her to be. You set up a great ending, but delivered one that seemed forced and contrived.
I think a more appropriate ending would be: Simon kicks Saha out and beats up Carl. Carl and Simon's relationship as loving brothers seemingly over forever. Jump ahead to the birth of the baby -- Carl by Saha's side.. Jump immediately forward to the paternity test results. Have CARL be the one who has the test done. It makes him a stronger character, taking the initiative to go to his brother and not only admit, but SHOW Simon was right all along about the baby. This also means Simon, who obviously wants to be a father to his child, will have to work out his selfish differences with Carl and Saha. In your script, whether you realize it or not -- or even if Simon realizes it or not -- he needs to forgive Saha and Carl. He needs to be able to see his own inadequacies as Saha's husband; this will lead him to a stronger relationship with Joyce.
Just keep in mind, I'm not telling you to change your ending. I just sat back and thought about it for a few minutes after I finished reading it and thought, "No. These characters need to sort out their differences. Carl and Saha deserve to end up together, and they both deserve to be forgiven by the one character who owes each of them more than he could ever repay." Your story deserves a happy ending.
END SPOILERS ************************************************
Back to the positives, of which there are many. Again, strong characters, the non-linear device works (though needs some polishing, as mentioned above) and the dramatic aspects of their relationships with one another are compelling. Now all you have to do is tighten it up some, nip some extraneous dialogue (and I'm begging you, work on that ending
) and you've got a winner.
Good luck. And keep writing!
- Lon