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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  For Johnny Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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For Johnny by Topher Rhives - Short, Drama - After the suicide of his friend John. Paul enacts his revenge.  10 pages - html, format


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Shelton
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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Topher,

As I was reading this I started to become more and more drawn into the story, but then I found one issue:

SPOILERS

After Paul shoots the girlfirend, the boyfriend grabs Paul's gun, puts it to his chest, and tells him to shoot him.  Something about this just didn't seem to ring true.  I mean, I didn't see anything odd about him wanting to join her, but if it were me, I'd make damn sure that I took out Paulie in the process.  Does that make sense?

Also, since the cops bust in right after Sophia shoots Paul, why not have some kind of mixup, like they think she's the killer?  Might make for an interesting addition.

Nice work though.  Overall, I enjoyed it.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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spencerforhire
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Topher


Great short. You kept my attention all the way through. I do agree with Mike, however. You should have a mix up at the end. I kind of anticiapted that and it didnt happen.

Spencer


I got nothing.  
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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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I hadn't thought of that. I actually like that for the ending. Makes it even more striking.

This is a work in progress, and I'm hoping people can put in imput to what they want to see in this.

Over this year, every month I'm going to submit a new draft. Each one a little longer, a little more in depth. Hopefully with everyone's help I can have this a powerful feature length script.

More input is welcomed, thanks.

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Chris_MacGuffin  -  April 26th, 2006, 5:33pm
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The boy who could fly
Posted: April 27th, 2006, 12:11am Report to Moderator
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I really did like this topher, all but the ending.

SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I really think he should have killed himself, not have someone else do it, I don't think anyone would unless it was self defense, I think that it would be more potent that way, but up untill then I was very absorbed in your story, I could feel the emotion in this character.  so all in all a very powerful script.  Keep it up


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Antemasque
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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It was just alright for me man. You definitly improved on your dialouge and what not. The story is good and i think the length was perfect. Seems as if we both submitted a vulgar story at the same time. Haha. I found myself laughing at certain parts but not all. I can't wait to see what you put out next.

3 1/2 out of 5
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dogglebe
Posted: April 29th, 2006, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
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I found a problem with your writing style.  Too often you describe things that cannot be filmed by the camera.  At the end of page one, you say that John is looking up toward God.  Unless you expect to show God hovering over him, get this description out.  On page two, you say that Paul's family eats 'not to enjoy but to survive.'  This script is filled with such descriptions.  If the camera can record what you describe, then describe it some other way.

The script also had some continuity problems.  On page two, Paul packs some Magnums in his bag, but later on he takes out glocks.  Then, later on, Paul makes some kid play Russian roulette with others.  You can't play Russian roulette with a semi-automatic pistol.  If the first round doesn't go off, the shell can't eject and the second round can't move up.

What are three definitive shots (page 6)?

I like the idea of the story, but I feel that you should stretch it out.  Nine pages was not enough to tell this story.  Have Paul and Sophie get to know each a little more.  Make him doubt his plans.  Build some suspense.  The hostage situation could go on much much longer than it did.

Paul's nihilist attitude was very believeable.  It should be expanded on.


Phil
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thegardenstate89
Posted: May 3rd, 2006, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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This was quite compelling, scary to think about.

The dialogue, although brief, was well done.
The ending didn't work well for me though. The police rushed into see Sophia shoot him next to a pile of dead students. It would be interesting if they mistook her for the shooter, maybe in Paul's last dying moment he realizes the pointlessness to his destructive actions. He died with the same emotions he had when he woke up in the morning.

The library sequence was well done and quite scary to imagine. I'm with Mike on the boyfriend thing though. Maybe a teenage guy will take his own life to save his girl's but no way will he let some other guy who hurt go unpunished.

Otherwise a very well written short. Will be looking foward to updates in the future.
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Helio
Posted: May 3rd, 2006, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey Thoper I nice work, it flowed easly ,however I read the other comments and I agree with them and I hope you concidere them. I'll repeat here my prefered quote:

quoted from  Mike - "Also, since the cops bust in right after Sophia shoots Paul, why not have some kind of mixup, like they think she's the killer?  Might make for an interesting addition."

Good luck on your next projects!
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Balt
Posted: May 19th, 2006, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
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Normally I wouldn't go out of turn in my reviews, as I have like 4 screenplays to read this weekend, but I saw you wanted a review and it was only 10 pages.

So I'm taking a break from Brea's incredible screenplay "The Devil in D minor" to give you some feedback on your work here.

Alright, on with the on...

This isn't my cup of tea story. I'll be balls out honest about it... If someone were to ask me to read something like this I'd probably scoff and dismiss it, cause it just isn't something I'm interested in "BY & LARGE".

Maybe it's because I've seen it too many times, I dunno...?? This iteration, however, kind of had me hooked.  The characters and mood were enough to keep me reading...

The mood you have here is really "felt" I could feel the depression within this story. Within' the characters. I don't know if you wanted it to come off as such but if you did, you damn sure succeeded in that.

The 1st moment I felt this was near the beginning with the dinner scene. That was just really gripping. It was something you would see in a movie and those are the kind of scenes that people strive to write.

You have a great way of describing everything too. It's very blunt, punchy and to the point but very telling at the same-time.  I did notice that you left off the S on "Likes" a few times... I don't know if that was intentional or not??? There were, however, times when you described an emotion or something that just couldn't be displayed from the cameras perspective... no big deal really as it wasn't plentiful.

I thought that Sophia was sprung on a bit too quick and or the actions of Paul were... one or the other.

To me, it seemed just very out of the blue and shocking in a sense that these turn of events would take place upon their meeting or shortly afterwards... The shock value is good, though, but it's pace seems a little off. Then again, it is a short.

The build up and tension was good while he was toying with the students and the dialogue was good for the better half of all of this too... My biggest complaint was when he asked Sophia to shoot him. The dialogue seemed kind of trite there... I don't picture a teenage girl saying the things she said to him, more so with everything that just unfolded.

Would she shoot, Paul? I dunno... that seems like a heavy weight to bare. He did just shoot two people in front of her and the entire room, though. That is an up in the air kind of call for me to make. I don't think "I" would've wrote it that way... but I also didn't write the story and that's the beautiful part about writing.

It's your world and in this instance you created a world that was interesting with enough atmosphere and meaning to keep me reading to the end... and if you can keep me reading past page 5 without laughing or rolling my eyes; you've done something.

Baltis~






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James Fields
Posted: May 20th, 2006, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Topher, this is a great script. The story is good, it functions correctly, and the dialogue is great as well. You have a few spelling errors and grammar errors here and there, but other than that it is good.

Nice work.


Coming Soon:

I finally found the title for my short.

Acronym- You've been warned...

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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: May 21st, 2006, 1:04am Report to Moderator
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Thanks to all who read. I'm actually quite shocked at the positive responses.

The idea I'm working on expanding it with is have the first half work as a series of intersecting vignettes that follow the students until they arrive at the library. Then the second half takes place in real time while they're held hostage in the library.
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SwapJack
Posted: May 21st, 2006, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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this was great. the dialogue was sharp and rang true. thge story was very compelling and intense. i was sucked in from the word go. Well done.


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Takeshi
Posted: June 10th, 2006, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

While I read this I thought if he actually goes through with this I'll be disappointed, because it will be the epitome of expectation meeting result. So yeah, I ended up being disappointed.

However, when he meet Sophia I thought hello, maybe at the time he least expects it he's going to meet someone and then we'll have real drama, his thirst for revenge versus love.

I would have preferred it if every time he was ready to start killing a chance encounter with Sophia thwarted him, until eventually he realized it was fate calling him and chose life over death.  

My advice to you would be to at least have a go at writing it with that ending and if you're not happy with it you've lost nothing.

Would he really honor his friend’s memory and the memory of their friendship by murdering people?

Seriously I think we've done the whole angry teenager kills classmates story to death. I think beginning with that scenario and then finding some redemption is something that would elevate this story above all the other stories of this ilk.  Anyway good luck with whatever you do with it Topher.  

TYPOS; Page 1-He takes the gone and with it makes traces the holy trinity.

Page 2-I'd always wished I would of given etc
Should read; would've or would have.

Page 4-Paul says; No one like anyone to tell the truth.
Should read; No one likes anyone to tell the truth.

P4-Paul says; No one like John
Should read; No one liked John

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Steve-Dave
Posted: July 19th, 2006, 5:16am Report to Moderator
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I've been meaning to have a look at this for a while, then forgot about it, then read it now. I  thought this was pretty good aside from a few things.

- When John shot himself, and then it said school tragedy in the newspaper, I assumed for like the first half of the script that he had opened fire on some people before he shot himself, which was confusing to me how the school was so business as usual. Maybe you should think about putting a heading more along the lines of something like  "suicide at Generic High", or "student kills himself in bathroom" or something like that.

- I thought Sophia was out of place when we first meet her. It seemed too convenient. She said she knew John, but didn't now what Paul was talking about. And Paul said "would she talk to him if he was a fag" yet she wasn't talking to him and just helping him with his books. And they never seemed to meet before, yet they seem to have a rapport with eachother that doesn't go anywhere, and they get pushed together in the library, and it just seems weird to me. Sophia I don't think is a bad addition, I just think that she needs a little more character developement and have more contact throughout with Paul, rather than just coincidentally fall into all these situations.

- The boyfriend I think would try to take out Paul as well, rather than trying to kill himself, and then try to get Paul to kill him. And I think that the ending should be the cops taking out Sophia after they see the gun in her hand.



In conclusion, I liked it. I thought the dialogue was above average, especially Paul's, and you write very well. I liked Paul's character a lot, and you expressed his feelings for his friend very well. The title's cool too. I bet you like The Outsiders, huh? Are you planning on writing any full length features anytime soon, because all you seem to write is shorts? Just curious.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
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