Abduction by Chris Penoyer (Herodreamer79) - Short, Action - On the one year anniversary of their loving relationship Zack and Lucy's life would change forever. A few days later, they vanished without a trace.  19 pages - doc, format

this is actually a Sci-Fi not action....

okay guys here it is.... my first contribution to this scriptwriting board...
a short i wrote.... i want help making this better... so - shoot me straight.
theres a few mistakes i noticed after i posted this.... sorry bout that....

i'm looking for feedback with dialogue and story...

The title and logline together pretty much gave away the subject matter here. It was good that you seemed to anticipate that and dove right in, concentrating on the individual stories and didn’t rely on the novelty of the subject matter.

Format was overall pretty solid, the dialogue for the most part believable.

The story was perhaps a bit cliché but it had some originality all its own to compensate.

It had some strengths I’ll mention in the spoilers.


***SPOILERS***


No page numbers - needs them. Page numbers in review may be off.

You do not need colons after the names of characters before dialogue.

P 3 - Tracking her from somewhere just above the tree line - who’s tracking here? Is this camera direction or is someone following her? If camera direction, it needs removed. If someone’s following her, it needs clarified.

You’re using participles like trying, taking, pacing. You do this quite a bit. You need to stick to simple present tense verbs as much as possible. Instead of “she’s trying,” use “she tries.” Another example: Lucy is starting to calm down a bit. “is starting,” as you know, is a present participle with a helper verb. It should read - Lucy starts to calm down.

It sometimes makes sentences awkward (even grammatically incorrect in some cases) but it’s the norm for screenplays. Each action the reader “witnesses” happens right now as we watch. I know people don’t like me telling them about grammar issues but I really am trying to help. You need to get away from this. It’s something we all need to work on but you do it a lot.

P7 - The limo’s gonna to be here? - I’m sure this line got mixed up during some editing.

P7 - Zack: this was our one year anniversary. - Both Zack and Lucy already know this. This line is “informative” for the reader and it’s too obvious. You need to incorporate that information some other way so that it doesn’t sound so strategically placed. Maybe have Lucy make a comment about how excited she is during their initial phone conversation.

P7 - Zack tells Lucy it’s almost one thirty. Just a few lines later in the same conversation, Lucy states that Zack is telling her it’s two thirty. According to the timeline, one thirty sounds correct.

P8 - Bawling is the correct word for when someone is crying noisily. Balling is just…well…disgusting -- haha.

You don’t need a first person POV. The “our” face description is just like a “we see” and it’s direction that pulls the reader out of the “suspension of disbelief” state. It’s like being slapped in the face and told, “Hey! You’re reading a script!”

There are a few common spelling errors, form instead of from, that sort of thing but overall, the format is solid except for all the participles.

At the end sequence, the sluglines don’t tell if it’s day or night.

Lucy exits the house moments after giving birth. This would be extremely difficult for a woman to do. It was very difficult to believe.


The strongest aspects of this were found in two main places:

1) the dramatic personal discoveries by Lucy. You did effectively create mystery surrounding her despite the familiar ground and,

2) by far, the strongest points were the scenes in the actual presence of the aliens. The scene with them in Lucy’s bedroom and the scene where Zack discovers her were hands down the most effective scenes. The outcome was perhaps telegraphed a bit too much. I did pretty much know what was going on. But you did succeed in creating a certain creepiness.


Overall, it was pretty good. Well written. Good grammar (except for all those…you know). It did have some effective originality to offset some of the “retread” feel to the premise. It’s a good early effort.

Brea

Thanks for the feedback Brea. I've always been bad at proofreading my own material... I'm working in it.

I'm just glad to finally have something up here... the feature lengths are just too much to wrap my brain around right now. shorts are a better place to start.

as far as screenplays not using participles -  i was unaware... I'll work on that.

Hey H.D.  I read through this over lunch today -- a little payback for checking out my story -- and scribbled down a few comments for you as I went.  The story felt a little familiar at a few points, but there were also a few grotesque scenes that helped keep things rolling -- if you like that kind of stuff -- which I do.

Here are some things that I would address in the next draft:

[SPOILERS]

*  You mention the "ambient sounds" in the woods.  This is what?  Crickets?  Frogs?  Wind?  It's your job to supply that detail, particularly as these sounds suddenly cease for effect.
*  (Re:clock):  This is weird, and probably wrong.  Have Zack look at the clock.  Maybe he should pick it up and show it to Lucy.
*  The first dream sequence seems awfully protracted.  Maybe we should see a little bit more.
*  And how come Dad doesn't come to check on all of this screaming?  In fact, if they are in their 20s, do we really need Dad at all?  Why can't this just be Zack's apartment?  Dad never comes back -- did he get abducted, too?  Anyways, the real point here is that minimizing characters helps to minimize the budget.  Something to keep in mind.
*  OK --  you've got a big hole here.  Zack shows up at noon, and Lucy promptly begins spewing blood and passes out.  So...what does Zack do?  Why doesn't he call a doctor, or at least hang out?  You have him leave for three days!  Some boyfriend.  Or maybe he just doesn't dig chicks with issues haha.
*  Another problem might be the birth scene.  This may be simple logistics, and I might be wrong, but the way you've got it written wouldn't her back be to us, robbing us of some of this scene's impact?  Is there some way to fix that?

So this is a good effort, H.D.  Reading Brea's comments now, I see she liked the gross-out material best, too.  Make of that what you will.  This held my interest throughout, and read pretty fast, so I think you accomplished what you set out to do.  Nice job.

hey bert...thanks for the comments. i was waiting for someone to mention that three day hole period.... a contrived plot device to put some time between the Alien scene in the bedroom and the ending...

I'll re work that.

i've noticed a lot of "alien" movies dont use the actually aliens that people have been reported as seeing... and i thought that was a bit of a cop out. i mean i think the fact that the possibility of them being real is more scary then some made up ridiculous looking lizard thing ...

i sort of based this on the fact that there are stories out there of girl being impregnated with aliens and crazy s*** like that... i wanted to "amp" that whole thing up..

those stories have always facinated me.. and there really hasnt been about about that out in recent year... last one i remember that dealt with this sort of thing was Fire In The Sky in 1993... so i felt there was room for me to work..

I decided since you took the spotlight for a moment, and you placed a script of yours in your sig, I'd try to soften you up a little.

Wow, that was kinda cool. You have a great imagination on your shoulders. You took a classic tale and twisted it to your own horrific desires, and it worked very well. I'm glad you didn't waste a lot of time explaining what was going on with the alien side of things and just assumed we'd seen an abduction film or twenty. It worked for you in this instance.

I read this on Word, so forgive if the page numbers are a little off.

7: Hey, is it almost 1:30 or almost 2:30 in the morning when Lucy meets Zack? They each give a different time.

8: Zack's I love you feels very out of place.

Whoa, they have sex while Zack's dad is in the house?! A little stretch for the believability there.

Some of the dialogue is a little on the heavy side. It helps to read it out loud in character to clean that up and maybe even give each character a little uniqueness.

The character development is a little on the weak side. We get that they are lovers of some kind and that they are celebrating a one year anniversary. We know they are college students, but beyond this, we don't know much about them or their plans for the future. Obviously they are comfortable with each other, since they had sex and slept together. This also points to Zack's dad being comfortable with them, though he doesn't say much throughout. However, where is their relationship supposed to go before they are interrupted with this horror? Give a little bit of hope for the future so there is a sense of loss when it is taken away.

So, in the end, I love the storyline, but it needs a bit of tweaking to be great.

Quoted from George Willson Whoa, they have sex while Zack's dad is in the house?! A little stretch for the believability there. Some of the dialogue is a little on the heavy side. It helps to read it out loud in character to clean that up and maybe even give each character a little uniqueness. The character development is a little on the weak side. We get that they are lovers of some kind and that they are celebrating a one year anniversary. We know they are college students, but beyond this, we don't know much about them or their plans for the future. Obviously they are comfortable with each other, since they had sex and slept together. This also points to Zack's dad being comfortable with them, though he doesn't say much throughout. However, where is their relationship supposed to go before they are interrupted with this horror? Give a little bit of hope for the future so there is a sense of loss when it is taken away. So, in the end, I love the storyline, but it needs a bit of tweaking to be great.

thanks for the comments george, i'm honored you liked it. as a writer people always tell you to write what you know. the whole alien abduction thing always scared the cr** out of me when i was a kid.... i still cant watch movies like Fire In The Sky and Communion - its just too much for me. ironically movies like Aliens never bother me a bit.. hehe. maybe it the possibility that it could be real - it messes me up...

this whole story is just written out of my own worst fears.... anyway

dialogue has always been a weak link in my writing... i'm working on it.

wow i actually didnt realize i didnt  have anything outside the plot on Zack and Lucy for character development.....i'll get on that

as far as the believability factor of having sex while parents are in the house.... well, i got away with it... all you need is a lock on your door, a to be a little quiet. hahah.

Quoted from Herodreamer79 as far as the believability factor of having sex while parents are in the house.... well, i got away with it... all you need is a lock on your door, a to be a little quiet. hahah.

Oh, well there you go. Never tried it myself. In retrospect, Zack's dad does seem a little detached, though, so if you show what Zack's dad does right after he lets Lucy in, especially something that points to him ignoring everything else like watching TV at 1:30 in the morning, then it becomes more believable.

...lock on your door and be a little quiet...oh, that's evil...

I liked this. I have to admit I'm not a fan of sci-fi, at least not the conventional X-Files, Roswell type of sci-fi, but I don't have a problem with you basing your aliens on the 'reality' of various sightings. However, in this sense it does feel like something we've all seen before, and that possibly works to your disadvantage.

Brea, Bert, and George picked out virtually every typo and continuity error so I won't repeat that here. Take Brea's advice about the participles though. Once I learned to leave those out, my scripts started reading 10 times quicker.

A few things I liked:

The flashback/dreams worked pretty well. I liked the way you led into them naturally so they never felt out of place. The bright lights and being strapped to a table felt a little cliched but you set the scene well and it was suitably creepy.

Highlights for me were the nosebleed and the naval bleed. Yeah, I'm sick like that. Those little details are a lot creepier than your grotesque birthing scene, at least they are to me. I have a scene in my script where a guy's eyes start bleeding during sex. The moment I thought of it, I felt sick. I got a similar vibe from your scenes with Lucy.

I'd have liked a description of the alien hybrid baby. Give us some details.

Overall, a pretty good introduction to the boards. Not too original, but it's well-written with some nice touches throughout.

thanks for your comments and critiques Mabuse...

i will actually add some more description of the Alien hybrid.

I liked this one a lot. I have to admit I was a little confused at first. I honestly didn't understand what the dreams had to do with anything. They seemed to be more for the sake of effect and not for the sake of plot. Once you introduced the Greys though, things started to make sense. I liked the ending a lot. It reminded me of two of my favorite films, The Fly and Gozu, which is definitely a good thing though you made it your own. After the ending, I looked back at what I had just read and really liked how everything hinted at or tied into the conclusion. Nothing really to fuss about here. I think these other guys caught most of the other mistakes so no point in repeating them. Good job.

Quoted from James McClung I liked this one a lot. I have to admit I was a little confused at first. I honestly didn't understand what the dreams had to do with anything. They seemed to be more for the sake of effect and not for the sake of plot. Once you introduced the Greys though, things started to make sense. I liked the ending a lot. It reminded me of two of my favorite films, The Fly and Gozu, which is definitely a good thing though you made it your own. After the ending, I looked back at what I had just read and really liked how everything hinted at or tied into the conclusion. Nothing really to fuss about here. I think these other guys caught most of the other mistakes so no point in repeating them. Good job.

thats the way i inteded this story to play out... the confusion and disorientation - not knowing what the hell was going on. these guys all figured it out right away....but im glad someone had the reading experience that i originally intended when i wrote it.

I remember reading a early draft for a teen movie/series you had hero, it needed work but it showed that you had a lot of potential. After reading this, your screenwriting abilities have definately improved.
Your descriptions are neat and to the point. But when you need to you can make the setting very creppy (when Lucy is on the side of the road, and alone in bed at night) or just horrifying (when the grays enter, that bathtub part)
  
We open knowing in the end, these two characters will be missing, a great way to kick us off. You handeled the whole change thing well. On every page things were moving foward, asking questions, answering a few. In the last few most of the basic questions that reader would ask were answered. Very nicely done.
You also left me with the impression it would be a ghost at first, that's a nice suprise. I just imagined this eerie music playing when the grays enter.

I thought the UFO thing in the end was a little silly. I just imagined a 50s ed wood saucer. It was hard to take seriously and almost a little fizzled when the action taking place in the bathroom before would make even the toughest cringe.

Again very nicely done. Hope to see more from you Hero.