The Man In The Light by Chris Shamburger (Sham) - Short - A teenager's dream of an eerie man foreshadows her fate. 9 pages - doc, format

1)  The structure needs more work.  You didn't make proper use of V.O, continuous shots, all your scenes start with "CUT TO:" (which is unnecessary), or SUPER - which makes the opening look like you have no grasp of structure.  Once you learn proper structure, it's only minor changes, but it needs to be done.

2)  Some of the dialogue seemed off.  Especially the beginning, where heather recants the plot - it seemed like she was saying the explosition for the audience, not talking to Kelly.  Ideally, according to the "show, don't tell" rule, you couldstart the movie with them actually examining the cars and finding them broken, or calling Heather's parents.  But if you keep it as it is, polish the dialogue.  There are a few other instances of stale dialogue, but that's the worst.

3)  I didn't really get it.  The most I understood was Heather misinterpreting her dreams and the man's role, but if that's all there is to it then it doesn't work for me.  There is a whole spooky horror-like set-up with the whole repetitive dream sequence.  When you first mentioned the man I thought Freddy.  But the ending doesn't really match, unless there's something more to it.

Hope this helps.  Goodluck writing screenplays.

I think 'The Man In The Light' would make a good twilight zone episode.

My Comments/Suggestions:

1. First I thought, why wouldn't they ride to the movies together in one car -- they're supposedly friends, right? Then after I read your screenplay, I thought, why even bother with arriving earlier in two separate cars? Why not have them simply waiting outside to be picked up by the parents? I don’t think there’s any reason to explain how they got there… the audience can assume they were driven by their parents.

2. I initially thought during the opening scenario that they'd be mistaken for two hookers due to being out alongside the street late at night all alone. How about making the car that passes a carload of rowdies harassing them while they’re waiting for the parents, to build some tension?

3. The man with a suitcase; I keep waiting to see what was in that suitcase! I think you made the connection of the dream man and the real life man by his black coat -- the suitcase is unnecessary if it’s only being used to tie in things. Or else make it a black bag in the dreams which later turns out to the rescuer's doctor/emergency bag or something?

4. Since they came from a bad movie, perhaps having them quote a bad line from the bad movie? This could foreshadow what’s to come and would reinforce the dream imagery.

Well, have fun!


//del//

Brilliant. The final line was perfect.

Wow this was a great read, Chris. It sent chills down my back when we went over her dream. The last line was a great ending and I really liked it. One thing that bothered me (and it wasn't the story) but you don't need CUT TO's whenever switching to a different scene. Whenever you say INT. or EXT., that mean's that you are already cutting to a different scene.

But other than that, this was a great script.

Sean

killer script man!

nice little twist towards the end...

loved how you left if ambiguous, would she take his hand or not?

I'd like to see more from ya.

brion

Taking a break from my writing I always scan the short section of this site to read something... Tonight, it was this one.

I like reading shorts, cause it's mainly what I write and I like to see what everyone else has to offer around the site and world or what have you. More often than not I feel like I've wasted my time in reading them, but sometimes I walk away with more knowledge.

In this case:

Your dialogue is very forced. I mean, really forced. For instance...

                                          HEATHER
                                    You don’t want to know.

                                              KELLY
Sure I do.  I’m in a Psychology class right now.  Maybe I can tell you what the dream means.

& also...

                              KELLY
The movie sucked.  The audience wouldn’t shut up.  And now, we have to wait on your parents because both of our cars don’t work.


That stuff is just screamin' to be kicked down my throat. There are more instances than just these two, believe me.

Moving on, however... Your characters don't ring true to me. I mean, one is in psychology and is gonna crack the code of this one girls dream and she's only 17... She's also the one who forces too much down our throats.

The mom... I don't know who talks like that. Who does?

The old man's dialogue also seemed very rushed.

Basically, cool little story. It was a nice change of pace... I enjoyed the action aspects of it and how you wrote it "by & large" what I didn't like was the stagnant dialogue everyone seemed to have.

I think, overall, the hook was really good. The dialogue killed the entire thing, however. I'd go back and alter it. Make it better, cause the general idea is pretty solid.