Thrill of the Hunt by Mike Shelton - Short - A businessman's late night at the office turns out to be more than he bargained for. 8 pages - pdf, format

SPOILERS...

Pretty solid piece of work you got here, Mike. Some great dialogue, an overall amusing situation, and a nice twist as well. I honestly thought Dane would end up being the contract killer or that he'd simply gone postal. Not many problems here. The only thing I'd suggest you change is Dane's final monologue. No one talks to themselves like that. It'd work better if he said it to Tommy. Other than that, nice job.

James,

Thanks for the read and your comments.  I originally had him saying those last few lines to Tommy, but it didn't sit right with me to just have him ask a bunch of rhetorical questions, so I changed it to him talking to himself, and in the process added the "magazine"  thing.

I think that's what made it a little longer than necessary.  

But, in my defense, I talk to myself all the time.

That was awesome man. The twist at the end had me laughing out loud. I kinda liked how he was talking to himself

Thanks for checking it out, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Hey Mike,

SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought this was pretty good, but not as good as some of your other stuff.  The dialog was of course good, like usual, but what I didn't get was even if he threw the body out the window to make it look like a suicide, what about the two bullets in his chest, I'm sure the cops would know it wasn't, maybe if he broke the guys neck or something like that.  

I did like how that it was really the hunted hunting the hunter, you had a nice twist there and it worked quite well.  The monologue part was funny, this was one cold dude....LOL.

anyways, I liked it, it made me smile, and I chuckled a few times.

Hey thanks for checking it out.  With this script, I wanted to add things in that would make the reader think and/or throw them off.  The body out the window thing being a prime example.

Most people will notice and question it, but Dane never actually does anything about it, he just sits back at his desk.

I'm well aware that the bullets wouldn't go anywhere, but that's debatable.  If the body were thrown from a high enough distance, it could really splatter, sending the bullets off to who knows where.  Doesn't matter though, because we never find out what Dane actually does.

Thanks for reviewing Pause.  Meant a lot Mike.

I like this little short.  Threw me in really quickly.

Good writing.  The only things which I though were a problem, were the suicide and bullet thing that another reader mentioned.  Don't knwo if anyone would buy it, especially the detectives.  The blood stained carpet would not be explainable.  Forensic specialists with uv lights.  I know this because I see CSI.  Just kidding.

Meh, little stupid details that I shouldn't be talking about.  I really enjoyed it.  You're a terribly gifted writer.  Come on!  Won't somebody make this bastard rich already!  

Get out of here and start doing it!  You deserve it!

Mike,

Just read this short. It's the first script I've read of yours I think and I've got to say it's really good. The dialogue was great, it made me laugh sometimes. The twist was brilliant. Never saw it coming. I thought Dane was actually hunting Poppy for fun or something. Really good short anyway, I enjoyed reading it... though for some reason I felt sorry for poor Poppy. Not sure why... And is it crazy to talk to yourself...? I hope not... I do it a lot to .

I enjoyed this, Mike, but I have to agree with TBWCF on the body out the window thing. It made me stop in my tracks and ponder the logic of it. Sure, if the building's high enough maybe it's not an issue, but I don't know for certain. I'm not sure it's even necessary for him to mention disposing of the body.

The twist is good, the dialogue is snappy as usual, I felt you could have have ended it just a little sooner after the reveal, but all in all it was a fun read. I like the way you throw us into a situation and set up our expectations before pulling the rug from under our feet.

Good writing.

Agghh!  Too many people pondering logic.

Thanks for the reads guys.  I'm trying to become a rich bastard, but it's slow going at this point, although a have a few irons in the fire right now.

I realize how irrational the whole thing with throwing the body out the window is, I just thought it was stupid and somewhat humorous.  I didn't realize it was going to throw everybody off that much.

I could have had Dane tell Tommy he was going to send him the cleaning bill or something, but I thought, eh, let's be stupid.

Someone has expressed some interest in possibly making this based on a general storyline, so if it comes to that I may end up changing it.

Like I promised... A review...

This script had the most bizarre twist at the end that made me cackle with excitement. That's probably the best twist I've read in a script from SS. No offense to any other writers who have good thrillers, but this has a REALLY GOOD TWIST.

Format has no problems, spelling and grammar is el perfecto, but I felt I didn't get to know the characters. I'm guessing it's just because of the length of the script which isn't a problem.

Good work Mike... Good work...

4/5

James,


Thanks for taking a look.  Glad you enjoyed it.

The lack of getting to know the characters is more or less the fault of the structure of the script.  Not only because of its length like you said, but because I'm throwing you into it right away.

I could have started at an earlier point and developed them a little more, but when it comes down to it, there really isn't that much you need to know about these guys, and what you do is discovered at the end.

heh fun script man.  like everyone else the ending caught me off guard and I giggled like a little school girl.  the whole throwing the body out of the window thing ~ meh.  for all we know he was just saying that to say it.  to rub a little more salt in the wounds as they say.

* spoiler *

however I do have a question.  maybe it's because I'm retarded or something but it seems that this isn't the first time Tommy has sent a "friend" to see Dane.  instead of just sending poppy why wouldn't Tommy send in a two man crew if Dane is the corporate headhunter that he is?

brion

Hahahaha

SPOILERS!

This one had me laughing all the way through.  Really funny thriller you got here...I think that was what you were trying to get.  This would have been awesome for the one week writing exercise.

Nothing much to complain about...sharp dialogue, excellently played twist at the end, funny lines.  I guess my only problem is that it's only 8 pages...maybe try to add something else in or something, like maybe have them first getting into a fight so they start off equally, that way the audience automatically thinks Dane is the bad guy and that would make it all the more thrilling.  Just a thought.

Aside from that, awesome work!!