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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Crimes of Passion Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 10th, 2006, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Crimes of Passion by Darren S. Winters - Short - Ant has found out his wife cheated on him. Angry and hurt, he tries to talk to her but even that turns into murder. Now he is on the run, and seeks shelter inside the house of the Fraylings. From here it is all downhill. With a shock revelation throwing that adds to the unsuspected twist. 13 pages - pdf, format


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ameruss2
Posted: June 10th, 2006, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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I like the descriptive wording....but I think giving him a name like ANT
takes away from the story....I don't really buy the twist
unless the wife confesses before the killer can...trying to explain things
to her husband..makes it true..instead of wondering.

your descriptions are solid.


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ameruss2
Posted: June 11th, 2006, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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Kevan
          I got the in-joke if that's, what you want to call it
     let's give the girl a name like Polly Protag.

     I still think that putting the wife under so much pressure..until she cracks
     would be more rewarding.......She says to her husband "it's true" BOOM!
     she's dead.   just my 2 cents. still like the quality of it.
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bert
Posted: June 11th, 2006, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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I had to read what Kevan was going on about.  I think Ant is a cool name.  My only problem with the name is it made me think of Adam Ant, and I pictured your antagonist dressed in puffy pirate clothes haha.

I don't have many specific comments on this one, which happens when things are working well for the most part.  But I do have a couple, with SPOILERS:


*  You spend a whole paragraph telling us about Cam -- for what?  The guy has one line.  So does Page.  OK, I see they do come back later, but just for a moment, and they really add nothing to the story then, either.  Too much typing is spent on these two.  I would just go with a generic "camera man" and "reporter" without all the extra fluff.  It doesn't matter in the least what these two look like, you know?
*  Your dialogue is pretty good for the most part, but when Officer Rosenberg is calling through the bullhorn (..."it's your call." and "...think about it, man!") -- for some reason the dialogue you give him rings very false to me.  He sounds more like a parent than a cop, I think.  Seems like he would be more practiced at negotiation.  Perhaps he might even call them on the phone -- there are some nice possibilities for the development of Ant's character there.  Anyway, reread Rosenberg's dialogue and see if you agree or not (and you might not, which is fine).
*  Your twist is good, and really would have taken me by surprise if I hadn't read one just like it about two weeks back haha.  What are the odds of that?? (Not too many people have read that other script though.  But Kevan knows which one I am talking about haha.)

So this piece does have good momentum, and the formatting is right up to snuff.  Good job there.  The only thing I don't get is this -- If Ant intended to do what he ultimately did all along, why did he wait so long?  Why was he toying around with these people, going down into the basement then back up to the kitchen again? It seems to me he would have just done what he came to do and been done with it.

Unless he had some reason for keeping her alive -- at least for the time being.

Again, I like the story, but do you see how the whole situation itself is a little out of character for Ant?  Right now, the only reason he is waiting to kill her is to feed the story.  Giving him an actual reason for keeping her alive during the course of this story might strengthen this script even more.


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Combichrist
Posted: June 12th, 2006, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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Cheers Kev, for your review mate. Got anything you need a looking over man just Holla, Email it to me you got my Addy.

For everyone who gave both good and bad reviews on this, Thank you. I think Ant waited so long to do what he had planned to add to the tension, to toy with them for a while.

It is a short so having him enter the Frayling house and waste Lea right away would have made it super short, like 5 pages. So I stuck with the atmosphere of the characters and had Ant toy with them for a little while.

I understand what your saying Bert, but at the time of writing it I was just concentrating on keeping them alive, for as long as possible, I had to leave the KILLING until after 10 pages, otherwise I would never have written it as a short. I set my goals and page length, if it runs on I'll omit somethings etc etc... and just compile the story into a shorter page drive.

But thanks again Guys for your comments, Cheers Kev.


In nomine patris et filii et spiritus sancti - In the name of the father, son, and the holy ghost Lasset uns beten
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Combichrist
Posted: June 12th, 2006, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Anyways guys, thanks for your reviews, and taking the time to read through the script. Got anything You need looking at Give me a shout.

Darren...


In nomine patris et filii et spiritus sancti - In the name of the father, son, and the holy ghost Lasset uns beten
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thegardenstate89
Posted: June 12th, 2006, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this short Bloodprince.
Your use of descriptions really does help set the scene, for a very frantic setting inside and outside. And what Kevan was mentioning about the action verbs, you hammer them into the reader constantly which helps paint the picture for what this desperate story would look like on the screen.
I enjoyed the character Peter that you wrote. He kept pushing Ant, the whole time I was assuming Ant would snap plug Peter.

Peter was one of those characters I would have trouble writing. I understood why he kept saying things to make Ant's situation seem more hopeless, but each time he opens his mouth I couldn't help but shake my head. That's good writing. When viewer/reader can be involved like that.

I don't know if I would too disapointed if my wife turned out to be a lesbian, but hey that's me haha.

A few typos aside I really liked this. You made me want to start reading scripts again!
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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 12th, 2006, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bloodprince,
I really liked this little script. Format, and dialogue were right on, but I have a couple of things I'd like to throw out there for suggestions about the story itself... I'm just thinking so you can tell me to knock it off if you'd like LOL but here goes...



To build more suspense and a sense of tension even greater than what you have already, why not have Ant mention his wife's name instead of just saying his wife at first. That way it could add a spark to the wife's character.
Maybe he could describe how sexy she is or some of her habits that were cute or that he hated, that way the wife would know that Ant is her lover's husband, and that he killed her.
Maybe have the wife get violent with Ant when he tells her husband that she is his wife's lover. The wife would be pissed that Ant killed her lover. Maybe she would stuggle with Ant, both of their hands on the gun, and it would go off... shooting her own husband?????

Just my thoughts...

Cindy
  




  


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TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Combichrist
Posted: June 13th, 2006, 5:40am Report to Moderator
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Just your thoughts? They are good idea's, idea's that never (i'll admit) Never entered into my mind at the time of writing. LOL!!

I had this story, and this was the one I was working on. Any idea's that came after the first revision, are in the submitted draft. I like your Idea's Cindy. And from some of your work I have read, I respect your opinion.

Thanks a lot Cindy, you keep up the great work.

Darren...


In nomine patris et filii et spiritus sancti - In the name of the father, son, and the holy ghost Lasset uns beten
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Combichrist
Posted: June 13th, 2006, 5:53am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Tony, Peter is a tricky one isn't he?

Yeah I only became aware of the few typos after submission. So I may update that and submit again. I had fun writing this Short, of course I give credit to Kevan because he sparked my passion for writing shorts again, after I read his Amazing MORELLA script.

I think it is only fair to thank Kevan also, because he pushed me through this and gave me support. Cheers big Kev!!

I find that short descriptive terms is the best way (only way) to getting your point across, to paint the picture you really have envisioned in your head. it's the descriptive transference, from your mind onto page Which I often find hard at times.

Thanks Tony, Cindy, Kevan, Bert, ameruss2, for all your comments. Means a lot to me, that people are honest over another writers work.

Cheers guys,

Darren...


In nomine patris et filii et spiritus sancti - In the name of the father, son, and the holy ghost Lasset uns beten
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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 13th, 2006, 6:10am Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren,
I'm glad my "idea's" LOL were well received. I just thought it could be a good character arc for the wife, and a way for her to change in the story. Kevan is a great person, isn't he. He helped me a lot with my script Full Circle.  


Award winning screenwriter
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TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Combichrist
Posted: June 13th, 2006, 8:30am Report to Moderator
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He's one of few good guys. And really goes out of his way to help you out.
Your idea's are good ones, and should I do a rewrite of Crimes of Passion I shall add those in.

Thanks, nice to meet you btw Cindy.

Darren...


In nomine patris et filii et spiritus sancti - In the name of the father, son, and the holy ghost Lasset uns beten
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Shelton
Posted: June 13th, 2006, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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BP,

Just a little payback for checking out "Coffee".  

In your opening description you have "...red and blue response lights blinding flashes through blackness".  It just doesn't read right to me.  I don't even know what the correct term would be, but it's like an unnecessary plural with flashes.  "...lights flash through blackness" or "blindingly flash through blackness", that is if blindingly is actually a real word.

A few typos through the rest of the opening, but on the whole it's top-notch.

Cam?  What a coincidence.

I've seen a couple of instances of "Silence.  No answer."  so far.  Seems redundant to use both.  Same thing with .45 handgun or revolver.  I think .45 on its own is sufficient.

"Emergency lights brightly flash - red and blue".  This is more in tune with what I had in mind for your first paragraph.

I agree with Bert on the last sentences of Rosenberg's dialogue.  It doesn't seem like something a negotiator would say.

And I'm done.  I'll admit you caught me a little off guard with the affair.  I was expecting it be Peter, so Lea was a nice surprise.  A new take on it.

On the whole, I liked the story.  I think you did a good job of portraying a hostage situation with a hostage taker that really doesn't know what he's doing, and you kep tmy interest throughout.

One thing I would recommend is, at the very end, either draw out the talk between Peter and Ant a little more, or get Ant out of the house right away.  That brief time you put in had me thinking, why is he not taking off?  Why isn't the SWAT team busting in.  Since I already know the end result, I think you should go with the latter.

A few typos here and there, but nothing that can't be fixed in a future proof.

Nice work.




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michel
Posted: June 14th, 2006, 2:21am Report to Moderator
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I've read your script and really enjoyed it. Personally, I think you should take the whole first and second sequences out. It doesn't bring anything special and would cost a lot for a short. You can suggest all this at the beginning of the third sequence with the "muffled sounds of helicopters" and the" spotlight beams" outside of the house. I would present the interior of the house as the most normal one and finish, as a surprise, on the trio.

A second suggestion: when Ant first talks to Lea, maybe he should ask her personal questions as "does she love her husband?" or "how good is sex with him". That would be double meaning questions. Furthermore, I think that Lea should be more talking. She is too dull. We have to think she hides a secret. To carry on Cindy's idea, naming Ant's wife could bring something special onto Lea.

That's simply my point of view.

Michel


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Combichrist
Posted: June 14th, 2006, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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Cheers Mike, blindingly is actually a real word.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/blindingly

I am aware of the typos, but this is the second time I have submitted this screenplay. The first had a different direction of story, this the second has as you have pointed out typos. I have read through and seen those mistakes. I hate it when a few typos manage to slip right by you. LOL!!

Like I said I liked you "Coffee" script. I commented on your thread so you know what I was talking about. Thanks for the review mate.

The characters names are sort of in jokes, if you read them carefully you'll see these. But cheers Mate for the review again, and keep up your good work.


In nomine patris et filii et spiritus sancti - In the name of the father, son, and the holy ghost Lasset uns beten
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