Drive Thru by Steve Meredith (srusteve09) - Short, Drama - A suicidal man stops at a local fast food drive thru for the last meal of his life.  The short period of time he spends in the drive thru changes his life forever. 7 pages - doc, format

Hi,

I liked it,
short story,
simple, really simple,
but it works!

well done!

only thing that, well it didn't bother me personally but still staid in my mind is that Sophia says I love you too quickly if you know what I mean.

I like the idea of the kiss! but there is something lacking in his way to redemption, and not kill himself.

I don't know, it's just an idea!

Still, I loved your short Steve!

Interesting concept. Your writing was good, even though your format wasn't great. But I just felt that it was too... conveniant I guess, like too much of a happy ending, you know? So I just thought it was kinda far fetched because of that. But for what it was, I guess it was a pretty good short.

Steven

Sorry kept waiting for some inciting incident and nothing. Your story seemed to lack some major chaning event.

The writing was good... and the story was weak in my mind. Why would a man with bandages be in a drive thru with a knife. He either committed a crime or is about to. I dont think it is plausable that he is going to commit suicide via knife blade. And the bandage... had he already attempted to commit the suicide.

I will keep reading your stories. Like I said the writing was good... and the story plot  was weak.

Spencer

I liked this and I liked the ending. Sort of a short, sweet drama that starts out quick and gets to the point fast. You let us know everyone's personality quickly, but one thing bothered me. You don't need to capitalize the names (sorry if someone has already said that), you just need to capitalize them when you introduce them.

But it was a good read and I enjoyed it.

Sean

I really locked this script, the plot was great, but the ending was a downside. Sophia and Jason's little hook-up was a bit too rushed, and I'd say improve on the formatting a little bit.

Whipped through this one today while at work.

I see you  have not responded to any of the comments so far, you should. It may be hard to get people reading your scripts in the future if you don't. Just some advice.  

I agree with the others that the format was a little off, but it didn't really slow down my reading so I didn't care. I do have some problems with the story though.

SPOILERS:

Why is Jason nervous when he orders his food? From what I understood of your story, he has just attempted a suicide. It's okay if he stutters and such, maybe being upset or whatever, but you said he was nervous. I don't get that part.

I take it Jason is having some serious problems, the knife and wrist bandage and then he's crying in his car too. When Sophia notices she tells him he has nice eyes. If I was sophia, I would try to keep talking to the guy after telling someone to call for help. To me this guy's in trouble and needs professional help. Last thing I'd do would be running out to his truck, climb inside and give him a kiss.

This does not make sense to me at all.

Your writing wasn't that bad, I just didn't see the story as believable at all. Maybe if he was just a sad lonely guy and they connected it would work better, but the way it is written now, Jason's just too big of a wreck to get involved with.