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  Author    Lycanthrope  (currently 7457 views)
Don
Posted: June 11th, 2006, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lycanthrope by James McClung - Horror - A mysterious guest with a monstrous secret wreaks havoc at a roadside bed and breakfast. 94 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  July 19th, 2008, 9:56pm
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The boy who could fly
Posted: June 11th, 2006, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Hey James, You're probably on your way to costa rica right now, hope u had a good time

I just finished reading this and it was pretty good, it had it's ups and downs, but it was an interesting take on this subject.


SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!









Okay, first I liked your opening, if it wasn't for your title I wouldn't have guessed what was going on.  I liked how it just started, you got right into it without wasting any time, and we got to know what kind of person Wier was from the start, in fact I would say he is the REAL villian of this story, not the subject.

I do wish we got to know a little bit about the subject that could give the ausience a little empathy for him, because we do see later on what he went through, but we know nothing about him, I think that would give a little more emotion other than just him being a killing machine.

I loved the dialog on the bottom of page 6 and top of 7, funny stuff there

I can tell by your dialog you are not a fan or My chemical romance or the used...LOL, at least that's what I got out of it, but what about underoath huh...hmmm, I wonder.

I liked how you introduced your 3 leads, but I have to say this, I hated phill, I hated him with a passion, like I have to say I REALLY hated him, all he did was pick on Cody and say "fuck", there was really nothing to him, I was wondering how he and Rory could be friends.  I got the idea that they have been friends since they were little, but there should be something to like about him, just a little, but I couldn't find anything, I just wanted him to die.  Mybe you could add something there, maybe when they were young something happened that made them so close, I dunno, just a thought.

I did like Rory and Cody though, I felt a real realationship there which is good, becasue if there wasn't there would be nothing to invest in.

I liked Ernie, but I knew he was a gonna after his introduction.

Mimi was cool and I liked the scene with her and Cody, that was a nice touch, we got to know her a little bit.

the yuppie, I knew he was dog food right away, what a fuck, I hope it hurt.

you had some good gross out scenes, I liked that.

then there is the bulk of the story that kind of reminded me of cujo in a way, except this is a basement not a car.

Phil wanting to go out after it seemed kind weird, maybe if he was stoned or something, but who would think they had a shot against them, didn't feel right to me, but the fight scene was cool I'll grant you that.

once Weir showed up and took over, I just didn't like his plan, I don't know why, it just rang false to me.

The final fight was good, it had some great moments there, so good job

I did not like the ending, the climax was good, but the last 2 pages, after everything that happened they still decide to go to the rock concert, I dunno, I know people like their rock concerts, but after going to hell and back I would just wanna go home.

In the end I thought it was pretty good with some good gore and some neat idea's, I just didn't care for some of the characters, and the plan at the end.  anyways keep up the good work.  


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MacDuff
Posted: June 11th, 2006, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hey James,
I've just downloaded the script and will give it a read in the next few days. I'll probably post the review sometime before you get back, so I'm not sure why I'm typing this post...


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shelbyoops
Posted: June 11th, 2006, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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I am writing this as I go along so here it goes:

On the first couple pages the scientists would just open the door no matter how much they hit it. It reminded me of those subway comercials, "Its okay, we beat the shit out of it today". Plus you need a couple more guards with them when they open the door.

The college students on pages 6-7.. I hope they arent a major part of the script because I have spent little time with them and I hate them already. The whole "arguement" thing is stupid. They just call each other names like the kids on South Park. It just doesnt work.

Again more bad dialogue with Rory (which is the name of a character in a script I am writing btw) Cody and Phil. Having three guys say "fuck" for 4 pages isnt dialogue. I understand they are all wierd punk guys but still.. Oh and Phil seems to be the deepest into the rocker thing and his name is Phil... um no. His real name can be phil but give him a nick name like... well make it something freaky to fit him. Oh and again, I dont like these people either. I hope they arent major and if they are i hope they die quickly. That punk/goth thing is annoying.

I think you established the character of Wier well so far. It's nice to have a different sort of character in a James McClung original.

Page 15, Phil says its hard out here for a pimp? Phil is a metalhead not a gangster.

Why are three GUY metalheads going to stay at a bed and breakfast? Wouldnt they at least stay in a motel? Bed and Breakfast = expensive place for newlyweds and happily marrieds to get it on, not for fucking wierdo's to stay.

The monster has the potential to be really cool looking if the effects designer doesnt screw it up, nice job.

I dont know about you but if someone was howling and then sent me paper saying "bring me meat" I would be outta there in a heartbeat. I dont think Cody was hesitant enough.

At the bottom of page 31 you need to put a space between two peices of dialogue.

Ahhh. It is so satisfying when the yuppie dies. That is one of me biggest pet peeves.. when people think kids dont know ANYTHING... its good to see ass holes like that get what is coming to them . From the look of it you hate people like that too.

They seem waaaay to calm when they talk on the phone. Mimi is a calm person, yes, but she is too calm.

The fight with Phil is annoying an unrealistic. No one would do that, he would be in the basement crying with everyone else. If he magicly did go out to fight he wouldnt have near the courage he did. Plus the things he says are just stupid.

Thank god phil died in pain. I hated him. Hate is a strong word and I hated him with a passion.

I like what you tried to do with the sympathy points at the end. That said it is the end and its too late for me to gain sympathy for The Subject. Maybe if you did it at the beginning.

Finally! Its over. Some final thoughts:

This script could still use some work.. a lot of it. This isnt near your best script. Abattoir imo was your best script.

I hated most of the characters and was greatful when they died.

I did like Cody, Rory, and Mimi. Yay for them living!

I hated everyone that died.

I didnt even like Rory or Cody at first because they acted like total idiots when around Phil.

I was just glad to see the end.

It sees like you use the same characters in every script. Dont get me wrong, they are well developed but I think we have read Rory and Cody in your last two scripts, Abatoir *sp* and House of God

** out of *****
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alffy
Posted: June 12th, 2006, 6:51am Report to Moderator
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Hey James seen as i've read your other screenplays i might as well read this one.  Again this will be while i'm at work so it'll probably take a few days but i'll try and leave more feedback with this one.  I hear your away so i'll probably have time to read and post before you get back anyway.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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Balt
Posted: June 12th, 2006, 8:32am Report to Moderator
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Well, I told ya I'd read it and I did.

Werewolf stories, to me, are like Zombie and Vampire stories. All the same. You really have to do something in these genres for me to like them or to even get me to wanna trudge thru them. This goes for finished film format or screenplay format.

So, I was actually surprised by the simple fact I got thru your screenplay here without bitching or leaving it sit for a couple hours unattended. You should feel good in that respect, cause if you can keep me interested you've done something... believe me.

So on with the on here.

You write really good. It's all pretty clear, cut and dry. I liked the punchy nature of the descriptions and such.

You did something that's pretty cool with this script, actually, and not to many will probably even pick up on it. I'm actually gonna leave it up in the air at the moment and see if any one else does make mention of it... I don't think they will, though. Hell, I don't even know if you wrote it like that on intent, but it plays out very well and actually makes it a different kind of "NEW" werewolf take.

Your characters... eehhhhh, you know... I dunno here. I didn't like a good deal of them. I think some of them were border line absurd with the heavymetal references. I mean, you wrote them well and you had some good bits of dialogue for them in here, it's just that I don't think they appeal to me.  I did, however, chuckle at the 3 solo's for every song at the start of the script... beign a musician myself.

I just felt like you went back to the same material a lot of times to get these characters over. Although it was different in scope, a lot of what they were talking about had the same meaning behind it.

Gonna go out on a limb and say Weir "the scientist/Doctor" is the best character... He was really cool. Very throwback and that was a good add to the overall script.

I didn't buy the Rory and Cody plot line. I didn't like that whole... dependant, not so dependant in the end set up. It seemed standard fair, but it did, at the same time, add a little to the script too. I don't think I'd fault it on them merits alone... So, yeah, scratch that last bit. "lol"

I felt it had a little "DEAD n' BREAKFAST" vibe going for it... and then that was changed a little bit and then it kinda went back to that same vibe. Right now, after thinking about it... I think the location is there but that's it. For all intents and purposes, though, it couldve been in a steak house, ya know? So, it's not a big deal really.

I think the wolf takes too long to materialize in all honesty. I think that the 1st kill, be it even a neunesical character, should take place about page 15, maybe even 12... You have a lot of build up here and character development but in the midst of this I'd like to have seen something early on to let me know what these characters are gonna be getting into. Although, the intro sets up for this... I'm still left with the feeling the 1st act is a little incomplete at times. Not badly incomplete, just... "From dusk till dawn" kinda incomplete.

After this mark, though, the script really got kicked into high gear. I mean, this thing was pretty non stop at times. It was a melding of several werewolf flicks but the one bit I'd most lay down to was the Werewolf segment in WAX WORK... I don't know why, but that is how I'd like to see this wolf. A visceral beast.

In the end I really liked it, for what it was. A "WEREWOLF" script... much like "underneath" this script held my interest and was above all else, really good for a typical genre film. I'd pay to see this in the theaters if they didn't FUCK it up with a trendy, made for MTV, cast and then slap some shitty hiphop music on it.

I do have a little tinge of not liking the ending, though. I don't think, much like ol' buddy up there somewhere said, that these two would go on to the concert. This has been a night of hell and dry heaves for these guys... I don't, I know I wouldn't, see myself going to a concert after all this... I'd be in church or selling the movie rights to Hollywood... I think an Iron Maiden concert would be the last thing on my mind... Matthew Good concert, that's a different story.  "lol"

I also think the line "He's probably partying with Dime Bag" nah... omit, omit, omit that line.

All in all, 4 out of 5. Really well written, complete script here. This is something you'd see pop up in theaters, by and large, today and go see it with friends. It would be a lot of fun to see these situations played out on screen and I'd be up for it... if done right.

Baltis~





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MacDuff
Posted: June 12th, 2006, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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Hey James:


Okay, so I read the script and have some thoughts on it, so here goes. Also, my usual disclaimer for all reviews - these are my opinions, so please take them like that  - just an opinion:


PLOT:

Pretty simplistic idea. A genetic experiment escapes a secret labratory and wreaks havoc at a small bead and breakfast. Sounds good to me.

I like the Bed and Breakfast setting (kinda like Dead and Breakfast), but I felt you missed the mark. At the end, it could have been any generic location for the movie. If you want the Bed and Breakfast to be the main setting, work on it for the rewrites. Make it necessary for the story that the film takes place here (ie it's good that you have the subject stay there - but WHY?)

I found around ther 60 page mark that I started to lose interest in the script. Sometimes it can be problematic if a plot is to straight-forward. In these instances, you want to make sure the characters keep the idea a float. I found my mind wandering a little during the last half of the script.

CHARACTERS:

You're gonna hate me dude, but I just did not connect with ANY of the characters. I can't quite put my finger on the reasoning. I didn't feel ANY connection to the death metal character traits. It just doesn't work and does not excite me at all. For a movie that takes place mainly in a single location, it is imperative that you have well round characters that can keep the script interesting (even if it's a horror or action).

I did'nt like them and did not root for them at all. I didn't care if they won or if they lived. Sorry.

PS - I did not like those characters in the sport car. Not necessary for the story.

DIALOGUE:

There are sprinkles of good, quirky dialogue, but the script is filled with exposition from all characters. Show, don't tell. I found unecessary exposition on pages 11,14,15,30,31 etc..etc. If you work on exposition and change from telling us to showing us, it will help round the characters a little better - which will be a great benefit.

Also - I hated the EMO conversations. How many times did they say that? And the swearing - I found a little over the top. Heck, I have swearing in my scripts too, but I found it unecessary and helped lead me to liking the characters less.

BELIEVABILITY:

Well, this is a werewolf tale and so we have to check certain beliefs at the door. I liked the concept of genetic experiments. It's thought out and well done. Definitely the high point in the script.

As for certain the script itself, I found certain scenes to be unbelievable, even for a werewolf tale. For instance (off the top of my head), the first time we interact with the werewolf at the B&B - Would Cody really go find him meat? Also, do we really expect Mimi to hang up from 911 and try to call Animal Control? F-that. I'd find a way to get the police there pronto (especially when Ernie bites the dust). Finally - I laughed when Phil brought out is bullet whip. Though I suspect I wasn't supposed to laugh...

OVERALL:

The concept is fine James, it's just the execution that needs re-worked. I like the opening scene (though it still needs work) and the concept of the escaped subject. I also like the idea of it terrorizing a roadside B&B. That right there is a great concept for a movie. It just needs fleshed out and risen to the next level of intensity and story development.

The main fault in everything is the characters - there are just not strong enough or likeable enough to root for. And if you can't root for the good guys, why bother?


Again - this is only my opinion, take from it what you wish.

Take Care,
Stewart


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: June 12th, 2006, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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This was a fun read. Honestly, I’m just not sure what to make of it. It had some good description and it flowed very nicely. It was also very descriptively economical. I see a marked improvement over the last script I read by you.


****SPOILERS****

I think the problem here is the characters. It has a very sort of slasher feel to it in that it feels like all the characters were contrived for the purpose of being grotesquely slaughtered. They just don’t resonate.

First off, the creature - we never learn anything about him at all. Even Dr. Weir’s reasoning is sketchy. Dr. Weir is well written but has no redeeming qualities - not even some charisma. He’s just completely indifferent. Between his stoicism and the creature’s lack of humanness, we’re left with a killing machine. Other movies have had monsters that were nothing more than eating machines, Jaws for instance, but to have a monster that was genetically engineered from a human without addressing the human element reeks of missed opportunity. Even Quinn (from Jaws) had his own brand of charisma and gave compelling insights into sharks. Here, it’s just sort of the Bogeyman outside the door, you know?

Secondly, there’s the “good guys.” Phil is completely unlikable. That’s not all bad. Knowing he’s going to get slaughtered makes him more tolerable. Why the brass knuckles flashback? Didn’t seem needed to me. He could just as easily have pulled out this weapon in the basement and no one would have thought twice about him having them. Seemed like an extraneous scene to me.

What happened to the college kids? Why did they run them off the road? It doesn’t evoke much care for characters when they casually run someone off into a power line and just drive on.

And then at the end, Rory and Cody just go on like nothing happened. If they don’t care about anyone else, it makes it hard to care about them.

Other little things:

Tranquilizer darts that make the target foam at the mouth and violently spasm? Why?

Zeke says, “Game time, Zeke.” Is he talking to himself?


In cased - encased - and why did Zeb and Zeke have to smash the glass? Doesn’t someone have keys?

A bed and breakfast for a hundred dollars - now that’s a bargain! And two beds at that! And why are metal heads staying at a peaceful bed and breakfast? They could (usually) stay at a hotel much cheaper.

P35: fill - Phil beside him.

Why would a werewolf stay at a bed and breakfast? That was kind of odd to me. And how can you rent a room without speaking? Just seemed kind of odd. The oddity of a werewolf and metal heads on their way to a concert all staying at a bed and breakfast (which are usually quite a bit more expensive than a hundred dollars) was really pushing credibility.

Some of the dialogue was kind of crazy. For example, Mimi calls Ernie, tells him two guests have been killed by a large animal and that they are trapped in the basement, and asks him to bring a gun. Ernie responds with, “ A friend in need is a friend indeed.” That’s kind of a crazy thing to say under such dire circumstances. And then she says she’ll raise his salary. Most people don’t exchange such banter when lives are in imminent danger. I mean, I couldn’t stop laughing at that and I began to wonder whether you intended this to be kind of funny.

Ernie was told over the phone that Mimi was trapped in the basement. Why did he search the house instead of going straight to the basement?

I didn’t understand Ernie’s rifle. Is it single shot? He shoots once and reloads. Then he shoots repeatedly until it’s empty. Why didn’t he load it before he arrived? He knew he was going to need it.

Why didn’t they tell 911 that people had been killed? Yes, problems with animals require Animal Control, but once a human is killed, the police become involved. Mimi should have told 911 that people had been killed. She should have kept calling until they sent a police unit out.

It had good things. Most of those are with your technical skills. The story itself does need some work. It was quite funny in some places. I hope you meant that. Maybe in a bit of “An American Werewolf in London” sort of way. That movie was funny at times and horrifying at others.

Overall, it was a fun read but it does need some work story wise.



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Mr.Z
Posted: June 15th, 2006, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Just took a look at this one, James. I think it’s better written than House of God. Specially the first act, because the story kicks in right away.

*SPOILERS*

It seems a little bid odd that the subject could escape so easily, since Dr. Weir knows it has superhuman strength. I couldn’t help wondering why didn’t he take more security measures.

Twin characters are cool. I’d put twins in every script, but do know this would be a pain in the @ss for the casting people if the script goes into production. There doesn’t seem to be a reason (story wise) for the twins to be twins.

The college students don’t serve a purpose in your story. It would be better to cut that scene.

Too many f-bombs, specially from Phil.

You’ve got lots of ‘proceeds to’. Loose them all and the action will read faster and better. ‘He fires at the subject’ is more direct and less-is-moreish than ‘He proceeds to fire at the subject’. Yeah, I know this is just a detail, but I think it will help a bit.

P.1
INT. SUBJECT ROOM
The subject room…

Since the slugline establishes we’re looking at the subject room, you can describe it directly in the action line below without need to mention ‘subject room’ again; it’s redundant. You’ve got many of these.

You describe hair colour and exact clothes of nearly every character, including the most irrelevant ones, like the man who gets killed in p.18. This kills the pace of your script and these details are part of the job of other people (casting, costume designers, etc).

If your character is going to work, you can describe he’s wearing a suit for example, but there’s no need to tell us the colour of his tie.

P.12 Didn’t like this flashback. While flashbacks go back chronologically, they still have to move the story forward dramatically.

Check this out: http://www.scriptsecrets.net/tips/tip266.htm

P.13
PHIL
Hey, fuck you son! Those are the fucking Metal Gods! Without Halford and Priest, you wouln’t even have any of your poser emo bands to listen to!

Agreed.  

P.38
Rory says they got to get in the room and find out what happened. Doesn’t sound real. There’s blood coming outside that room: that generates fear not curiosity. Normal people would have called the police and/or an ambulance right away. Maybe they shouldn’t be able to see the blood and just hear some strange noises.

P.43 The subject was strong enough to go through a wall and ripp the yuppie’s heart, but cannot get passed the basement’s door? You should work on that. Find an excuse for that door to be a very strong one (maybe it’s a hurricane shelter instead of a basement).

P.44 Mimi tells 911 they have a loose animal instead of shouting hysterically there’s a corpse upstairs?

P.55 Phil knows that Ernie got his @ss kicked despite having a shotgun, and still he goes to face the subject with a brass knuckle. Hard to believe. Scenes before, Phil was the one saying that Ernie didn’t have a chance.

P.94 Rory should be going to his friend’s funeral instead to a concert I think.

Sorry that I focused more on the negative, but I believe that's better for the writer. I hope I helped.


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TAnthony
Posted: June 16th, 2006, 1:05am Report to Moderator
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Alright I finally got a chance to read this. I had this huge review up, but I lost it so I'm going to give you sort of an unorganized look at your script. Lycanthrope was a very amusing read, but it didn't exactly bring any thing new to the table. A man is experimented on and he becomes a flesh eating monster, but once again great read.

SPOILERS--------------



The Good
-The characters of the three boys were done great and they contrasted each other very well. Great supporting cast.
-Your descriptions of scenes are great, when the Subject was in the bathroom, I could just imagine him.
-The dialogue was very believable most of the time.
-When Zeb gets messed up by the Subject it was written excellently.

Once again I liked your script, but I have to focus on the negatives which help you progress as a writer.

The Bad
-Dr. Weir is a stereotypical scientist, white, gray balding hair nothing new.
-No way Phil goes after that thing with a brass knuckle! No way. Ernie just got jacked and he had a gun. To me Phil didn't have a good excuse at all. The dad thing wasn't good enough.
-Phil "sending" the subject anywhere is a little hard to believe. Phil would punch the monster and it'd go soaring across the room.
-On page 59 you have- "Two deafening shots sound." and then the next line you have three bullets tear through the Subject...
-Zeb and Zeke were the blandest characters. They had no emotion what so ever. I didn't care if they lived or died. I just flat out didn't care either way, and Zeb doesn't get upset at all when his brother is slain.
-Phil does A LOT of cursing and some of it just flat out doesn't sound right.
-All the constant gun shots missing their targets happened way too much.
-When Rory has a hundred dollars no one is surprised that he's got that kind of dough.
-The whole ripping out the heart has been done too many times. Now it feels corny.
-Towards the end things got to feeling really repetitive. The Subject was shot it gets back up, guns switch hands, and people were being mauled constantly. No real surprises towards the end. I think it would've been cool to have some kind of surprise towards the end, because any one reading your script could tell you what was going to happen.
-We don't get to know anything about the man who was turned into the monster. We saw a flashback and that was it, maybe you should go into a backstory.


Once again I think it would be cool to have some kind of surprise. A lot of what is in the script is predictable. I knew the yuppie was dead, I knew Phil wouldn't survive the fight, I knew Dr. Weir would die, and I knew the Subject would continue to get up. This was a fun read, but add some surprises, character development of the monster, and maybe a different ending and this could be really cool.  


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James McClung
Posted: June 19th, 2006, 1:59am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, guys. Wow! That's a whole lot of comments to swallow all at once. I'll try to address each one by one but just in case...

To everyone...

I'm getting some complaints about the characters and somehow I feel I should have expected them. Metalheads is kind of a gamble in terms of getting the audience to care about them. Especially Phil. Phil was intended to be the stereotype of a typical metalhead, which essentially boils down to a close-minded belligereant loose cannon. I didn't expect people to like him exactly but at the least think he was funny. But some of you guys downright wanted to see him die. I'll admit it. I flat out failed with him. I know no one said it and I'm accusing anyone of thinking it but if someone wants a character dead when I don't want them to, I failed. That's it. Well, on this draft anyway. I honestly don't think it'll take much to humanize him. I think I can easily make him into more of a person and less of a stereotype and hopefully likeable. Character development is very important to me when writing. Perhaps I went a little off course with this guy.

The Subject on the other hand wasn't supposed to be likeable. The flashback before it kills Weir wasn't supposed to inspire sympathy, rather make Weir look even worse. I don't think villains should be sympathetic at all for the most part. Understandable, sure. Not sympathetic. I think any backstory for the Subject would make it sympathetic, which is why I opted not to use one.

The ending, I'll change, for sure. This is actually the first script I've written with a legitimate ending, complete with characters driving off into the sun. I usually hate that kind of stuff but I needed to wrap up Cody and Mimi's character arcs properly. Also, the police wrapping things up with the brothers was important too. I remember feeling at the end of Silver Bullet that those guys were going to be in deep shit for having a dead priest in their house. I wanted to avoid that. The brothers probably wouldn't go to the concert afterwards though. I'll fix that, definitely.

And the f-bombs. Yeah, a lot of those got to go. The first draft had almost three times as much. It was almost like Goodfellas. But it's still too much, even now. Though I got to leave some. They're metalheads afterall.

Theboywhocouldfly...

Sorry buddy but yeah, I hate all those bands. The Used and Underoath, I can deal with to a certain extent but I despise My Chemical Romance to no end. The fact that they did a video spinoff of Audition makes me hate them even more. But to each his own. We're all friends here .

Hmm... Not sure about Phil going upstairs. I figured it was in his nature to do so. It is a little hard to swallow though. I do agree a little push would help a lot. I'll try to think of something.

As for Weir's plan, I think it works. Sure, it's halfbaked but I always imagined Weir functioning more on arrogance rather than genuine intellect. I'll think about it though. I'll never completely dismiss advice.

Shelby...

The college students in the opening were supposed to be a joke. I wanted to lead the audience into thinking the main characters were typical slasher fodder before introducing the metalheads. It didn't work. I'll get rid of them. I'm glad you hated them though.

I think you might be right about the B&B. I'll try to find a more feasible reason for the guys staying there.

You're right about the BRING ME MEAT bit. I'll be sure to revise that.

You don't seem to have liked this very much, which is cool. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion and I don't expect everyone to like what I write. I hope it doesn't turn you off from my future writing though. My writing's been much more loose and comedic these past few months but playtime's almost over. My fifth script will go back to the dark stuff. Even more brutal than Abattoir. Trust me .

Alffy...

You're officially my new best friend. LOL. You've read pretty much everything I have to offer and in quite a short period of time as well. Looking forward to hearing from you again.

Baltis...

Thanks for the read. Glad I caught your interest. You say it took too long for the werewolf to materialize. This was intentional. I like a build-up in my scripts. It is a little slow starting out but I've always felt a build enhances things when the story finally takes off. You're right about the B&B though. It could just be any old place. I'll try to beaf up it's relavence. Also, what exactly did I do that no one's picked up on yet? I'd like to know.

Stewart...

The believability segment of your review was what I found to be the most important. I agree with a lot of it and I'll be sure to fix it up. It was okay to laugh at the belt by the way. In fact I'm glad you did. I feel like stories like these have a little more breathing room as far as excess is concerned. Take Phantasm II for example. A four-barrelled shotgun and a homemade flamethrower are laughable but all in good fun and certainly make for an entertaining watch.

Sorry you didn't like the characters. I'm working on Phil big time but I don't know what to say about the rest. I'll think about it.

Breanne...

Yeah, you got the jist of the script. It's supposed to be both funny and scary. Though you did laugh at a few things I wish you hadn't. The dialogue is the basement wasn't supposed to be funny. I'll be fixing that up for sure.

Also, Dr. Weir isn't supposed to have any charisma. No real redeeming at all really. He's not even that great a scientist. The Subject is a failure intended to be his greatest success. I wanted him to be complete scum. He's the real villain here. Not the Subject.

Mr. Z...

I agree with most of what you said, especially about the flashback. That was just me being pretentious. Perhaps it could serve as a foreshadow but mainly it was just me wanting to do a scene at a metal show integrating things I've actually seen and heard. I'll lose it for sure. I know better than that. The college kids too.

The one thing I think you got wrong was the bit with the door and the wall between the yuppie's room and the Burgundy Room. The walls are hollow. I thought I mentioned that somewhere. I'll check.

TAnthony...

I agree with most of what you said. I wasn't really concerned about the script being predictable though. I still think it's pretty suspenseful and my goal was to make it more fun rather than scary. And while I agree about Zeb and Zeke being bland, I intended them to be that way. They're just goons. I do, however, think they strengthen Weir's character, showing he doesn't even value the lives of his subordinates.

...

Phew! I think I've said just about all I can say right now. I'm off to bed. Thanks again, everyone!


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alffy
Posted: June 19th, 2006, 8:31am Report to Moderator
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Hey James nice to hear you had a good holiday.
I'll confess I've been struggling for time recently, what with wanting to get my first screenplay finished (i'm still some way off at the mo) so i've had a fleeting look and also read through the comments, so i wont bother repeating whats already been said.

In all I thought there was a little to much dialogue which didn't really lead the story, but it was quite funny.  You give good desriptions to scenes which make it easy to picture, i think its essential to be able to visualise whats going on.

Not sure about the flashback scene in the club but think thats been mentioned a few times.  My main problem was that I think the story is a bit linear, maybe add a subplot or something.  Maybe wrack your brain and involve the college students who dont seem to have any purpose in the story.

Again though i dont feel i should critise someone for their screenplay as i cant even finish my own and never will at the rate im going. lol.  I wish i could knock them like you can (4 months and 35 pages!!!)  i'm sure you'll iron out these minor gripes and then i'll give it a good read through.

Keep up the good work though.


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alffy  -  June 19th, 2006, 10:40am
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MacDuff
Posted: June 19th, 2006, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James McClung
Thanks for reading, guys. Wow! That's a whole lot of comments to swallow all at once. I'll try to address each one by one but just in case...

Stewart...

The believability segment of your review was what I found to be the most important. I agree with a lot of it and I'll be sure to fix it up. It was okay to laugh at the belt by the way. In fact I'm glad you did. I feel like stories like these have a little more breathing room as far as excess is concerned. Take Phantasm II for example. A four-barrelled shotgun and a homemade flamethrower are laughable but all in good fun and certainly make for an entertaining watch.

Sorry you didn't like the characters. I'm working on Phil big time but I don't know what to say about the rest. I'll think about it.



James,
I appreciate you taking my opinions and criticism in stride. It helps when the author takes what you say and thinks about it rather than become defensive.

I liked Abattoir, so I know I like your writing (which I think is strong). So I look forward to the re-write.


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James McClung
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SPOILERS...

Thanks for the read, Alffy. I'm glad you enjoyed the dialogue. I can see where you're coming from in regards to some of the dialogue forwarding the plot though. I'd cut it down but then I'd lose the character development, which I hold in extremely high regard.

The club scene is gone already as are the college students. I appreciate your suggestion to integrate them into the plot but they wouldn't have served much purpose other than werewolf fodder. Trust me. As for the subplot, I always envisioned this as partly a coming-of-age story. I'm talking about the Cody subplot. Perhaps it's a little unclear as Cody doesn't really surface as a protagonist until the third act but I planned it that way and I don't think it would have worked as well otherwise. Cody's character isn't strong enough to carry the story as the lead and even if he were a little more aggresive, his arc wouldn't be as clear. I'm really happy with the way his story turned out though. This is a werewolf story first and a coming-of-age second.

Stewart...

Thanks for the kind words, which I agree with wholeheartedly. If I'd reacted defensively to my first review rather than listening to what was said, I don't think I would have learned as much about screenwriting as I know now. Good to hear you'll be checking out the rewrite. I think it's already shaping up nicely.



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James McClung  -  June 19th, 2006, 3:12pm
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James McClung
Posted: June 23rd, 2006, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
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I've just submitted the rewrite. Hopefully, it will be posted soon. Among other changes, I've really strengthened Phil's character, I think. I've added two new segments of dialogue that I think really help make him a sympathetic character. I've also toned down the way he treats Cody once they get to the bed and breakfast as well as the emo conversations. I think his character is much stronger and well developed this time around. Maybe even likeable. I've also cut down the f-bombs bigtime (from everyone). Additionally, I've fixed a lot of the stuff that rings false as well as the stuff that was unintentionally comical. There's some other stuff too but nothing I can come off with off the top of my head right now. Most of the revisions were made in the first half of the script.

SPOILERS...

Also, the end has been fixed. These guys are going home. There's something else too, though. I don't expect anyone who's already read the script to read the rewrite (unless they want to, of course) but for those who are interested, if you reread the final scene with Rory and Cody, you'll get an ever so slight forshadow regarding my next script (not my upcoming comedic short, Trendsetter, but my fifth feature length horror, which I'm aching to get started). I'm going to try and keep the plot underwraps this time around but I will say it's back to the dark stuff. I've been doing tongue-and-cheek for a while now. I think it's about time I took a dive back into the abyss.

END SPOILERS...

Anyway, right now, Lycanthrope's on my mind so any more comments would be much appreciated.


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