SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 9:11pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  City of the Big Shoulders Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    City of the Big Shoulders  (currently 1784 views)
Don
Posted: June 12th, 2006, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
City of the Big Shoulders by Jonathan Martin (schwock5) - Drama - CASABLANCA finds A PLACE IN THE SUN in this romantic noir drama about Scotty, a struggling meat packer, faced one night with a choice: to continue to let life pass him by, running from his past and hiding in the shadows of fear; or take life into his own hands, by facing the light and making a stand for his family, his home, and his dreams.    136 pages - doc, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
schwock5
Posted: June 13th, 2006, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Boston, MA
Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.00
I've read a few screenplays on here, been meaning to respond to a few, but they shut down my discussion board access from work, and been working longer hours, i'll get to it soon.  But here is the Full Synopsis / Query for this.

CASABLANCA finds A PLACE IN THE SUN in this romantic noir drama about Scotty, a struggling meat processing plant worker.  One night he is faced with a choice: to continue to let life pass him by, running from his past and hiding in the shadows of fear; or take life into his own hands, by facing the light and making a stand for his family, his home, and his dreams.  

Set in the historical backdrop of a mob ruled, depression era Jazz Chicago on the eve of the birth of the Chicago Unions, World War II, and the most significant boxing match in American history, Scotty will make his choice.  He saves a woman who will show him his life in a brand new light, the dream he always envisioned.  But is this the same dream he always imagined?  When the consequences of Scotty’s choice catches up with him, he finds himself faced with another: fight to save his dream, or run away to save his life.  But is the choice any longer his to make?

In a world on the verge of war ... in a country on the edge of despair ...
Lies a city shrouded in darkness, where no good deed goes unpunished,
Where hope and faith drown in the shadows of guns and fear,
Where one couple who have lost their hope, will find the strength within each other,
To reach for the light … and dare to dream.
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 1 - 8
Shelton
Posted: June 13th, 2006, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Chicago
Posts
3292
Posts Per Day
0.49
Jonathan,

Being from Chicago myself, this one has peaked my interest a little, so I'll try to give some in depth feedback shortly.

I opened up the script and noticed a couple of things right off that I thought I'd mention.

Your opening line from Scotty.  It seems like there's nothing on screen at this point, and we're only supposed to hear his voice.  In this case, use a V.O.

Second, something seems off with your margins, like they're way off to the right, and the dialogue looks scattered.

More to come...


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 2 - 8
schwock5
Posted: June 14th, 2006, 6:09am Report to Moderator
New


Location
Boston, MA
Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.00
that first line is sort of the opener during a fade up, so it's half voice over / half regular, didn't feel it was a big deal right off the bat, but I guess i can throw it in.  As far as the dialogue, some of them are poem excerpts, so i kept the form of the poems in there as the lines with quotes, i've heard this can go either way.  Some transitions and things were left out to conserve space as they aren't really reccessary until pre-production, so this is just basically most of the story.  Hope you like it.
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 3 - 8
Shelton
Posted: June 14th, 2006, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Chicago
Posts
3292
Posts Per Day
0.49
I have never heard of a half VO, half regular, but you can do with it what you wish.  I'm just pointing out what I noticed.

Even if your character is reciting a poem, it's still dialogue, and th emargins should be the same is if they're talking.  The transistions aren't necessary, as they've become archaic in specs for the most part.

Now, on to the story.

3 out of the first four characters you introduced are referred to as Young.  How old are they?

Did you change Naomi's name from Cindy?  If so, you missed one at the bottom of page 1.

I see a few instances of ending a description with ...as, and then going into a new descritpion staring with We...  Try to condense this and drop the "we sees" and "we hears"

Alright, I have to start focusing on the story now.

Wow, a 17 minute opening.  While I'm on topic, I REALLY didn't start getting into this story until after that was done.  You may want to look back at condensing it or cutting it all together.

You have some HUGE monlogues in here.

Canaryville.  Hahaha....That's my neighborhood, right smack dab next to the stockyards.



Ok....now on to the good stuff.

I think you did a really good job here.  You took a lot of interesting historical stuff, and then created your own story and intertwined them together.  Each character had their own voice (and there were a lot of them, so I can appreciate the difficulty there.

Hmm, really don't know what else to say except you wrote 135 page that kept me interested and entertained throughout, well, at least after page 17.

Nice job, and if there was anything REALLY specific you're looking for feedback on just let me know.




Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 4 - 8
schwock5
Posted: June 14th, 2006, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Boston, MA
Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.00
holy crap dude, I can't believe you read that whole thing already, and provided feedback, you have my eternal thanks and gratitude, even if you totally bashed it and told me to go to hell, which you didn't.  my hat is off to you (if this sounds sarcastic, i'm not, i'm totally serious)

as far as the first line, i'll change it to VO because i tihnk i'd do it on black screen and then fade in.  Thanks for pointing out the cindy / naomi mistake, i accidentally used the wrong name.

for poem in dialogue, maybe i should use regular margins, wasn't sure what the "industry standard was", but as it was, it was way too long already.

for as descriptions, i tried to make it like the action on screen, ending one and going into another, again, not sure how to do it, I've never written a screenplay, or anything before, i was a business management / finance major who just loves movies (or used to anyway)

for the opening, although it is 17 pages, definately would be shorter than 17 minutes.    i tihnk it sets up almost all the themes though, as well as later scenes that parallel and contrast them.  

for monologues ... yeah, i know they're long, should be cut, but at the same time, other things are going on while they happen, so it owuldn't be dead screen time, atleast, how i would be directing it.  

as far as specific feedback, hey, i just wanted to tell a good story man, if you enjoyed it, then my job is done, and i thank you for reading it to the end.  

did any dialogue's stand out as untrue / not rinign true / out of place?  i did a lot of re-writing to blend everything together as i weaved about 10 themes with multiple things happening, most which wouldn't be picked up on a first reading or viewing, but are there for me.  

as far as historical stuff and chicago details, did i miss anything, was chicago "captured" at all on paper?  cause truth be told, never been to the place, have a few friends there, can't wait to visit, maybe during location scouting   

again, i have no writing experience, no screenplay experience, nothing, i just got final draft cause word was pissing me off, and fixed a few margins of the dialogue to keep the poem stanzas in tact.  

and again, thank you so much for reading it through, it's actually just been sent out to directors / producers i know, so who knows, maybe one day you'll be showing me around chicago to help me out when i make it.

- Jon
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 5 - 8
Shelton
Posted: June 14th, 2006, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Chicago
Posts
3292
Posts Per Day
0.49
No problem with the read.  I'm just about caught up on most of the stuff I wanted to read so I threw this into the mix.

For the poem, I would just use regular dialogue margins, that way everything stays nice and uniform.

The opening may play better on screen, but the reading was just hard to get through, and since you mentioned you've sent this to  producers/directors, this is what they're going to see first, and some stop immediately if the first 10 pages don't grab them.

I didn't find anything in the dialgoue that made me jump back and say "eww, that doesn't belong there", so I'd say your fine there.

You did a pretty effective job of caupturing Chicago I think. I'm familiar with the neighborhoods and incidents and general things you touched on in the script, and like I said, I live in Canaryville, which is right next to the Stock Yards (now an industrial park by the way).


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 6 - 8
schwock5
Posted: June 15th, 2006, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Boston, MA
Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.00
as for my personal preference, i actually think the intro prelude (first 17 pages) is more exciting and better flowing and engaging the the next 17 pages (beginning of act 1).

i'm curious as to what grabbed you and hooked you more about those second 17 pages than the first ones.  i guess i'm just trying to guage what worked and didn't work for you as things i can focus on and check out.  
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 7 - 8
Shelton
Posted: June 15th, 2006, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Chicago
Posts
3292
Posts Per Day
0.49
Well, it is your script.  If you like it, keep it.

As far as what grabbed me, it was just getting into the story itself.  I preferred that over the background/buildup in the opener.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 8 - 8
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006