Desert Thoughts and Shades by J A Parker (GravyBoatMan) - Short - A man is lost in a desert. He can’t seem to get away from one exact point in this desert where it seems he’s only accompanied by... a white, metal fridge stuck in the ground slightly, which is still, yet barely, cold with bottles of water in it. Confusion begins to unravel... 13 pages - rtf, format

Hey all, this is my first short.

I thought I'd give it a go after reading so many shorts on here and I just hope it's an interesting read. I would appreciate anyone's comments and opinions on it. There are a few mistakes, I just wanted to get it straight up on here as soon as possible. Thanks.

Oh, and it's in a different program/format (not sure what word is right) that I usually use. After reading a script on here with the same format, I found it was easier on the eyes.   Hope it is.

Hey Gravy, I just gave this intriguing short a read and found it to be very good. It had a surreal and haunting feel to it which I really dig.  

Just one thing I found was a typo on page 10 where you missed a word out.

"The front of the plane is giving off smoke. The engine cuts off and the plane begins to plummet to the ground. The woman is heard screaming for her life."

A nice little script you have there. Write some more.

Thanks Yohn, glad you enjoyed my short. I certainly had fun writing this and it only took me three days to write so I'll definitely write some more shorts over the Summer.

Hey GBM.  I like your little story here, but first I gotta take a second to call you on this:

Quoted from Parker I just wanted to get it straight up on here as soon as possible...

Why?  The board isn't going anywhere.  Just because lots of members post garbled junk that they haven't even bothered to run a spell-check on doesn't mean that you need to be one of those guys, you know?

The better writers around here will be impressed with your quality -- not your speed.

Having said that, this one is kind of nifty.  Great tone to it.  Feels different.

With very little dialogue, it reads kind of long.  Some of the descriptions could use a trim.  I seem to recall that you describe the shirt around his head twice.  Consider trimming some of your longer passages.

I liked this story a little less when Ashlyn showed up.  I thought she only made things more confusing.  What happened to her?  Are you telling us that Zach broke the radio on purpose?  That was pretty stupid, and it makes us like him less.  And again, where Ashlyn went is such a very frustrating question that I ask it twice.

That whole segment with Ashlyn felt very rushed and unresolved -- please refer to my very first comment.  I think it weakens the piece.

Anyways, I like stories like this -- where I think I know what is going on -- as long as they are well-written -- like this one -- and are not confusing simply because they are awful stories with poor narratives.

After you have some additional comments, you should pop back on here and explain what is actually going on.  I would be curious to know if I am right (spoiler but written like this so as not to draw attention to it so stop reading if you don't want to see it) he is in hell, right?

Thanks for the review Bert, and you're right, I shouldn't have posted the script so soon. I was finishing my college work so I sort of rushed to get it on and I'll learn by that mistake.

Yeah, after a few more comments to see other peoples views on what they feel is going on, I will post the real deal. It's mostly in the dialogue, even though there is little of it. And Bert, I'd really like to learn how you got to your conclusion of the story... it interests me what you've said about him being in... well, you know... it wasn't my intention to have it feel that way...

Hi Gravy

I was delighted to read another piece from you. I liked it. As always, it is well written, very rich in description and pleasant to read. Congratulations for your first short. It made me think about a lot of references.

but--

Am I tired today or didn't I understand what's going on?

SPOILERS

is Zachary dead, or having hallucinations?  
Where is Ashlyn now?  

Anyway, good job

Michel

I'm not sure if I should be down about this but it seems not everyone is getting my script. The story. I want to explain it now but just in case others want to read it, I would really like to get a few more views on it. Bert has thought something sort of similar to you Michel but still quite an interesting view you have.

Thanks for reading Michel. I will post maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow what the story actually is about. It isn't anything major but I would really like to see if anyone can see my view on it and what my story actually is about. Very interesting, however.

Hey GBM,

This is the first I've read of yours. Seems to me like you write fairly well and I did like this short. It wasn't perfect, but I still liked it. It reminded me a little bit of Groundhog Day, when Bill Murray is trying to leave, but he can't. He keeps coming back to the same place over and over. Like a bad dream.

SPOILERS:

I didn't understand what was said in the first V.O, but that could just be me being slow.

Pg 3, should probably read completely fried from the heat.

Pg 5, you write "Zachery suddenly feels that he hears something",  you can take that part out I think.

Pg 6, you use the word p*** in your description, I would use another word.

Pg 6, you say that the plane is still slightly burning and then you say it looks like it recently crashed. Would it still be burning if it crashed long time ago? I think you can cut that paragraph in half.

Pg 7, you say someone could easily have survived the plane crash, but somehow the wings and tail are broken off and it's burning. You may want to rethink that part.

Pg 7, pilots' - pilot's

Pg 7, I think you can do away with the whole EXT. DESERT LAND - LATER paragraph.

Pg 8, a couple of bottles or water - of water

Pg 11,  the engine cuts off and the plane plummets to the ground - all planes can be sailed pretty well to the ground when an engine goes out and this is part of the training every pilot gets when they get checked out in a new type of aircraft. You actually turn the engine of in mid flight and practice what to do in the event of engine failure.

Pg 12, you don't need the radio, the ELT will give out a signal.

All in all, not bad at all.
A little confusing, but I think you meant it to be.

Thanks Pia, I need to think about a lot of things in this short. Thank you for pointing out some major problems as well as the minors. As you can tell, I know nothing about planes and pilots. I should have done a bit more research but it was just a fun little short that popped into my head.

I will definitely give it a rewrite soon though and explain what the deal is with everything a bit better. I'm not entirely sure everyone knows what the whole story is about.

Thanks again for the great review!

- I notice the font size is 11. You need to make it 12. It may seem trivial but smaller font means more to read, which usually slows things down considerably.

- Zachery says "What am I saying?" What is he saying? I don't think this opening monologue is really neccesary. I think you'd be safe to lose it. It's much stronger to open on a disheveled Zachery crawling through the sand in exhaustion.

- "thirty-five to thirty bottles of water..." Well, which one is it? Does it really matter. Just say the fridge is full of bottles of water.

- Why would Zachery waste his precious water on the plane fire? It's in the middle of the desert. I don't think it's going to spread.

- How does the woman know it's been twenty-four hours? Surely, they've both lost track of time after this long.

- Why don't you introduce Ashlyn as Ashlyn and not Woman. It works better that way.

This was an interesting and entertaining read. The scenario is excellent as it immediately raises numerous questions that make one want to read more. It's also very action-oriented and less dialogue-heavy. I think I understood the ending, which I guessed earlier on. It's a mirrage, right? It's all in his head. Still, while the whole "it-was-all-a-dream" scenario is usually pretty disappointing, this one didn't hurt the story in the slightest. In fact, I felt satisfied that I had come to the correct conclusion (I hope, tell me if I got this wrong).

All in all, a pretty decent engaging read with an original concept. Good job.

Thanks James, I'll change the font size to 12, I'm not sure why I changed it to 11.

I'm glad you enjoyed it and thanks for taking the time to read it and give a great review with a lot of help.

And the ending... there's been a few different takes on it and you're pretty much close to it. I am giving it a little rewrite soon, which should explain it in a way everyone will understand... sort of...

I will try and explain it in basic now...


SPOILERS - MAJOR SPOILER!!!!!


Okay, the opening monologue sort of tells you what's about to happen, but again in basic form, just to confuse or open questions about it. Zachery basically says that if you collect a thought and you dwell on it and think about it for a long time, you become to believe it... especially in a place like the desert.

It's hard, again, to explain... I really haven't told the story in the way I should've. Zachery finds himself with the fridge early on. It's obvious that he's been out there for a while but how long? Questions...

I'll cut straight to the ending where Zachery says:

"If you dwell on a thought... if you come to trust that thought... that you are indeed alone, then who can you know but yourself? Who can you talk to but yourself?"

He's saying that he believes he was alone for so long that, with the boiling sun and his situation, he now trusts that he is alone. He is with himself and that's that.

Where his double comes in... if you didn't know already, his mirror image that he talks to in the plane ZACHERY TWO, it is actually Ashlyn. He has come to believe he is alone and if you go back to the ending dialogue above, it tells you:

"...then who can you know but yourself? Who can you talk to but yourself?"

Zachery's mind is basically playing tricks on him, yes, but there is a little bit more to it than just 'a mirrage'... it's belief and trusting ones thoughts, which takes a big part in my story.

I hope some of that makes sense. I also hope it hasn't disappointed anyone who has already read it and thought of a better explanation.

Any comments on this is very, very welcome...

Hey Gravy, we already talked about soccer so I figured it was time to talk about scripts.  

*SPOILERS*

Lets start with what I liked in here.

-A thirsty guy in the middle of the dessert. Good opening. Makes you wonder what happened and why he ended up there.

-Finds a fridge with bottles of water. A crazy and intriguing plot point. What the heck is this fridge doing in the middle of nowhere?

-Tries to walk away from the fridge but keeps returning there like Neo in the subway station.

-Finds a plane crash and seems surprised.  No bodies in sight.

-Flashback: The guy was actually piloting the plane.

These were good enough to mantain my interest but... they were very far apart from each other, and that was because of your writing style. It has been mentioned by other readers. You need to trim your descriptions. They made this interesting story a difficult read.

Three pages to establish that a thirsty guy in a desert finds a fridge with water, is way too long. A couple of suggestions:

Zachery is seen walking slowly into view. Sliding his feet and scraping them across the dirt and sand. His face, with a shirt wrapped around his head, is looking dry and pale. It looks as though Zachery has been walking for some time.

Keep descriptions in present tense, use as few words as possible. Don't tell us that he "is seen". By mentioning his name we automatically see him. Try something like this:

Zachery drags his his feet across the sand with a shirt wrapped around his head. He looks pale and tired.

Just one more example:

Exiting the plane, Zachery steps away from it and begins to scan the vast area of desert land for survivors. With his hand covering his eyes for shade, he sees noting but mad heat haze.

Try something like:

Zachery exists the plane and, with his hand covering his eyes for shade, scans the deserted area.

The opening V.O was a little too long. Big chunks of dialogue are always seen as a red flag. Try to break it with description (i.e. he walks a little, talks a little, etc)

Zachery talking to the audience felt kind of weird. If you start the script with a V.O. narration, stick to that technique. Switching right away to another seemed a little bit distracting.

The ending/resolution of the story was a bit confusing. Even by reading your explanation I didn’t quite get it. I thought that Zachery 2 was just a product of his imagination. That he wanted so bad to talk to someone, he invented an imaginary clone.

Anyways, I think you've got a good mystery short here. You just need to tell your story in less pages and make the ending a little bit clearer.

Hope that helped.

Thanks Mr.Z, that helped a lot.

I have a problem with long descriptions, I will learn to keep them shorter in future writing so I thank everyone for calling me on it. Thanks for giving me some tips and some great examples of shortening my descriptions Z, it really does help me.

The ending and the story, at the moment, is very unclear. I've been given some tips and for everyone who has helped me so far, I thank them greatly. I'm currently working on a full-length and a short that I've just thought up, which is top priority for me at the moment (I think the short is GOLD). I will get right onto the rewrite for this one as soon as I complete my new short.

Thanks for the great help Mr.Z and thanks for reading.