Silent Blue Eyes by Michel J. Duthin - Short - A lonely woman marked by life. A man on the run. Why would they need to talk? 6 pages - pdf, format

Nothing opens when I click on this.  I just get a blank screen.


Okay, I restarted my computer and now everything works.

I found your storytelling and formatting to be good.  I didn't understand the ending.  I'll try to read something else of yours to see if it's just me.


Phil

Works For me

I didn't get the scar though, was it possibly from a previous prisoner? I got the impression she does this often.

i got one word...rushed.  you have to many words in the wrong places. for instances you mention "the couple is making love on the bad, in front of the ragged dolls amused look".  you should have reread your story.  you have too many inappropriate commas and you use the word 'and' when a comma could be used in its place.

the gaurds should have a name.  it's confusing reading the man over and over.

how does the prisoner escape?  why is his hand bleeding?

why is Mandy quick to jump in bed with him?

i'm one to talk, i got to revamp my story as well.

most errors saw were grammatical errors.

First of all, thanks for your reviews.

In fact, the explanation is simple:

Mandy is a loner, living alone because of her scar. I thought of her as a rejected woman.
She helps prisoners to escape (with her pigeons) and takes the advantage to have sex with them. That's all. I'll try to make it clearer.

Michel

That's exactly what I got from it, Michel.  This was actually a well-written short.  I think the less that was said, the better it ended up being.  It leaves more room for interpretaion.  

I really liked the idea of the woman being mute.  It added more uncertainty to the whole situation.  The whole time I was trying to figure out what her motivation was.  At first I thought she was working for the prison, then I thought she was some freak that tortured the escapees, but I can see she just is a lonley woman that will go to the length of helping prisoners escape just to ease her suffering.

What a great thematic screenplay.  Even for a 3 page script, it says so much more.

Well done.

Thank you Guy for your review. So, I was not that aside my subject.

Quoted from guyjackson I think the less that was said, the better it ended up being.  It leaves more room for interpretation.

As you may notice in my short, I try to put the less of dialog as possible. I dream of a feature without a line. Just action. This way, it would more universal and understood by everyone. Luc Besson (Fifth Element) made his French first film as a mute one. There was (almost - just one word) no dialog along the film and it wasn't boring at all.

Once again, thank you for your review and hope you would enjoy my other scripts.

Michel

F***! What a review Baltis.

Quoted from Balt your dialogue BLOWS GOAT NUTS & PORKS CHICKENS IN THE BUTT...

Never saw my dialogs as this.

To be honest, I agree with you (just for the dialogs). At first there were no dialogs at all. The man was too far from the guards to hear what they were saying. I put him nearer to make understand that Mandy is dumb. That's all.

Quoted from Balt I think you have a tendency to over write, however.

I don't think I'm overwriting. Just describing things I see in my head.

Quoted from Balt Maybe, novels are in your heart...

I tried to write novels but it doesn't fit me.


Thank you anyway. No grudges

Michel

You know, I always tell it right down the middle. I can be harsh... Well, I'm told I am anyways.

Actually, a few explicits follow those words, usually.

I am a prick. I am... But, I try to be as complete as possible in my reviews. I read these things and a lot of them. I'm not just some guy who skims them and says, Oh hey... it sucks.

I've been kicked from the site for being this way and I'm sure if enough complain, I'll be gone again. What can you do?

I hope there isn't any hard feelings, cause I do think you're a good writer. I do. I've read a few pieces of your work and I do read them. I just think, in this instance, you seemed to force and rush things into play.

Maybe you wanted to go for 4 pages and this was the best route. I dunno??

I do hope you don't think that I was just being critical of you as a whole. If I don't like something or something bugs me or rubs me the wrong way, then I'm gonna point it out. I seldom read anybody Else's opinions before a review, so please understand I gather all my points "by and large" on my own free will.

Baltis~

Hey Michel,
Just finished reading your short. I have a couple comments.



SPOILERS...

When the guy is running, you used the description flashing orange prison uniform. I don't think the coveralls flash LOL. I'd just say orange coveralls and leave it at that.

When the guard comes to the house, his dialogue Did you see a man? You wouldn't miss him. He was in orange prision coveralls...
Since the guard called her by her name, and he showed up with guns and dogs, it should be safe to assume that she knows him, too. I'd change the dialogue to something like: We had another escapee. Have you seen him?

Or better yet, maybe the guards know that she will turn him in after she is done using him. Maybe they will walk toward the house, the dogs go nuts outside, then turn away.

This script did seem rushed. Too many things happening too quickly. Take some time in the house with them, and show the woman being seductive, well, a little anyway.

Since she does this quite often, maybe the guy will wake up handcuffed to the bed. Maybe she knocked him out with a rag full of ether??? Then the woman releases the pigeon. LOL

Cute story, just needs a little tweaking.    

Cindy

Okay, I haven't read any of the other reviews, so if I say something that is the same I'm sorry!

I didn't really get the story, to be honest. It wasn't a tough read, just...well...a pointless one. ha-ha.

First, there is one error I found on page 2 I believe that should be changed. The "FIRST MAN" says

"He’d just escaped." Just take 'd out to make it "He just escaped."

Why did you point out that the woman had a scar? It wasn't important to the story. And the bird flying away at the end...kinda strange. I didn't really get any of this.

Your writing is pretty good, just not the story. It may be because this is only a few pages. I'm fixing to read Seven Dwarfs, so I'll get to see more of your writing soon.

Anyway, it needs work in the plot area. I understand that in a short film it is hard to explain things but maybe extending this a little longer would help out with explaining what everything means...?

-Chris

I have to agree with most of the reviews here, I just didn't get it!

The ending wasn't really very clear.  I think this would be better if you developed it.  A possible extra snipit at the end could help clear things up.  For example - she releases the pigeon then an extra sene where another prisoner runs toward the house.  

This might not be the direction you were going for here, like I said I didn't really get it. lol.

First of all, thanks to all for your comments. It makes me realize that even when you're glad with one of your script there always are points you've missed.

Quoted from CindyLKeller Take some time in the house with them, and show the woman being seductive, well, a little anyway.

Yes, of course, I will develop the seduction scene. It'll be silent, full of understood looks and quite erotic (with no accessories LOL).

Quoted from FilmMaker06 Why did you point out that the woman had a scar? -Chris

The scar, to me, is important in the way to show the discrimination toward Mandy. Scar + dumb = loneliness. That's a little simple, but you need short cuts.

Quoted from alffy she releases the pigeon then an extra scene where another prisoner runs toward the house.

Thank you alffy. That's THE idea. That's what forums are made for.

Again, thanks for your reviews.

Michel

First of all, thanks to all for your comments. It makes me realize that even when you're glad with one of your script there always are points you've missed.

Quoted from CindyLKeller Take some time in the house with them, and show the woman being seductive, well, a little anyway.

Yes, of course, I will develop the seduction scene. It'll be silent, full of understood looks and quite erotic (with no accessories LOL).

Quoted from FilmMaker06 Why did you point out that the woman had a scar? -Chris

The scar, to me, is important in the way to show the discrimination toward Mandy. Scar + dumb = loneliness. That's a little simple, but you need short cuts.

Quoted from alffy she releases the pigeon then an extra scene where another prisoner runs toward the house.

Thank you alffy. That's THE idea. That's what forums are made for.

I'm going to rework on it and this time I hope it'll please you all.

Again, thanks for your reviews.

Michel

Hey Michel, no probs mate.  Glad to be of any help.
I'll be sure to read the update.