Druid's Guide to the Northeast by Phil Clarke Jr. (dogglebe) - Drama - A cantankerous druid must protect a water elemental from those wishing to control it.  And you thought Mother Nature was a b****.... 105 pages - pdf, format

WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT DRUID's GUIDE TO THE NORTHEAST:

Quoted from CindyLKeller I really liked this one, Phil. The butterfly scene touched me with its beauty, but the actual birth... the fish, the bubbling water, the ringing of the bells, then the beautiful deer... I loved it.

Quoted from madxhatter I really like Sawyer in this one as well, the story was very different from what I usually read. But I'm glad I did. 9/10

Quoted from bert No pants on Sawyer?

Quoted from tonkatough I loved it. great stuff. Exactly what I want from a urban fantasy story.

Quoted from tomson As far as your story goes, I really dug it! I’ve read a bunch of your stuff by now and I would put this one behind Dreams in Dust and Marble as far as my personal favorites goes.

Quoted from bert So I liked it a lot, Phil.  It's clever.  And it casts Linus in a somewhat different light, too, doesn't it?  You've got a very unique character here in Sawyer, and I am left feeling as if you've only begun to scratch the surface.  Nice work.

Interesting script. At first I wasn't sure if it was horror or drama or disaster, but after the first three scenes I got it. I really loved the first scene with Tonya and how she's stuck in the ditch and she's calling her mom. It showed that she was strong, but very vunerable.

Alanah~

I liked Linus pretty well, and frankly, I found Sawyer to be better than the story surrounding him.  I've been curious about this one since you mentioned it a while ago.

Your logline is kind of weird, though.  Water elemental?  It sounds more like D&D than anything else, so I am not sure what to make of that.  And as I mentioned before, the title still makes me think immediately of "Hitchhiker's".

But you are a pretty dependable writer, and as this isn't too long, I figured I would take first stab at it.  I'll make notes as I go.  Since I know you have Rip Torn in mind, I'll go ahead and read it like that to see how it works.

This will surely contain SPOILERS:

*  If you are going to call a creature "dog-like", I think you need more details.  How big is it?  Stuff like that.  Unless it isn't supposed to be clearly seen.  Then you should tell us that, too.  OK, now later, it turns out that it really is a dog, so why call it "dog-like" anyway?
*  No pants on Sawyer?  Has he got boxers on or something or is he going commando here?  That's a detail you really ought to clarify.  And the dog's name is Sawyer.  Ha.  I remember that detail now from Linus.
*  Bottom of page 20 you say Tonia instead of Tonya.  And hey, was it really necessary to give one of your "white trash guys" the name Bert?
*  I like the way you reveal Sawyer's true nature.  Sawyer doesn't give it to us, but your divining friends do.  Clever.  But why six tubes?  I seem to recall but four elementals.
*  I see now that you actually give Rip Torn a shout-out by name.  I'm not so sure about that.  It's kind of like shoving your vision down our throats -- as if you don't trust us to form a good image on our own.
*  Page 51.  The fate of the birds is an excellent transition from one scene to the next.
*  Tonya's final confession to Sawyer seems a bit abrupt, particularly since many of the terms she chooses are so vulgar.  Perhaps ease into that a bit smoother.  And don't you think that perhaps she is a bit too forthcoming with some of those details?
*  You do a great job of building anticipation for the arrival of the elemental, but then you don't see it through.  Not to my satisfaction, anyway.  But it wouldn't be the first time that we have disagreed on the way you choose to end your story.  [Note:  I left this comment as is -- as you completely tricked me only a few moments after I had typed it.  I thought leaving that comment intact -- tricking you in much the same way -- would be the best way to let you know how effective that was.  I was quite satisfied with the payoff.]  Also, you've got a typo near the very end -- it nearly spoils your big moment -- that reads "the water in from of him".


This reads very fast, and I suspect you have much more to tell us about Sawyer.  Sure, Rip Torn would work fine.  But I still don't think you should force it on us with an explicit reference.  Just my opinion on that.

Sawyer is the star here, of course, and he's great.  But Tonya suffers for it.  She is always reacting, and very seldom acting.  Except for her bluff at the end, and that bluff actually felt kind of false for her character given that it's the only time she really stepped up.  I didn't get much from her over the course of this story, and should you return to expand this a bit (you've got the space) I would make sure to devote a few extra scenes to developing her character.  Give her a few more scenes on her own -- without Sawyer.  That might help.

I don't know how many of the rituals detailed here are the result of research as opposed to imagination, but I'll let you know that nothing rang patently false to me in terms of those aspects of the story and my own limited knowledge of these things.

So I liked it a lot, Phil.  It's clever.  And it casts Linus in a somewhat different light, too, doesn't it?  You've got a very unique character here in Sawyer, and I am left feeling as if you've only begun to scratch the surface.  Nice work.

Quoted from bert Your logline is kind of weird, though.  Water elemental?  It sounds more like D&D than anything else, so I am not sure what to make of that.  And as I mentioned before, the title still makes me think immediately of "Hitchhiker's".

Water elementals have been around long before teens played Dungeons & Dragons, Bert.  They've been referred to in various religions for thousands of years.  I chose to use one as the basis for the story to keep a supernatural feel to the story.  The Hitchhiker reference is unavoidable; the title was referred to in the story and says a little bit about Sawyer.

And I did give a shout-out to D&D players.

Quoted from bert If you are going to call a creature "dog-like", I think you need more details.  How big is it?  Stuff like that.  Unless it isn't supposed to be clearly seen.  Then you should tell us that, too.  OK, now later, it turns out that it really is a dog, so why call it "dog-like" anyway?

Just following the rules of screenwriting and telling you what is seen.  At the time when it first appeared, you weren't supposed to know whether or not it was a dog.  Hence, 'dog-like.'  I wanted it to be a mystery at the time.

Quoted from bert No pants on Sawyer?  Has he got boxers on or something or is he going commando here?  That's a detail you really ought to clarify.

Is he pantless?  Who knows?  This quick shot adds a lot to his character.  I wanted to show him as being unconventionial right away.  And I figured that a druid would be comfortable with his body....

Quoted from bert That's a detail you really ought to clarify.  And the dog's name is Sawyer.  Ha.  I remember that detail now from Linus.

Ta-da!

Quoted from bert But why six tubes?  I seem to recall but four elementals.

Six tubes?  Who knows what's going on in the mind of evil druids.  It could just as easily been four.  Maybe the other two were control vials.  It's not an important issue, IMHO.

Quoted from bert I see now that you actually give Rip Torn a shout-out by name.  I'm not so sure about that.  It's kind of like shoving your vision down our throats -- as if you don't trust us to form a good image on our own.

I don't really consider it shoving the description down anyone's throat.  If you never read the discussion thread from Linus, this would be the first time you even read Torn's name mentioned.

Quoted from bert Tonya's final confession to Sawyer seems a bit abrupt, particularly since many of the terms she chooses are so vulgar.  Perhaps ease into that a bit smoother.  And don't you think that perhaps she is a bit too forthcoming with some of those details?

Too forthcoming?  I don't think so.  She's agreed to follow and learn from him and he told her his origin.  I know some people who talk like this regularly.  They're candid to a fault… a very big fault.

I probably will expand on this conversation in the rewrite so it's not so cut and dry.

Quoted from bert You do a great job of building anticipation for the arrival of the elemental, but then you don't see it through.  Not to my satisfaction, anyway.  But it wouldn't be the first time that we have disagreed on the way you choose to end your story.  [Note:  I left this comment as is -- as you completely tricked me only a few moments after I had typed it.  I thought leaving that comment intact -- tricking you in much the same way -- would be the best way to let you know how effective that was.  I was quite satisfied with the payoff.]

I never did like it when people write their comments as they read the scripts.  They tend to write comments like this that are unnecessary.  I had someone do this with Pug-umentary  .

The entire ending was intended to seem anti-climactic at first, followed by the twist.  I’m trying to show that nature does not follow Hollywood rules.  If it did, the story would have an incredible visual ending, like Star Wars.

Quoted from bert Sawyer is the star here, of course, and he's great.  But Tonya suffers for it.  She is always reacting, and very seldom acting.  Except for her bluff at the end, and that bluff actually felt kind of false for her character given that it's the only time she really stepped up.  I didn't get much from her over the course of this story, and should you return to expand this a bit (you've got the space) I would make sure to devote a few extra scenes to developing her character.  Give her a few more scenes on her own -- without Sawyer.  That might help.

I did want to expand on Tonya, a little more, and probably will when I do a rewrite, though I do like how her character played out.  She's a fish out of water, here, and I can't see her doing anything druid-esque in this story.  I tried coming up with her using a bartender trick against the others, but couldn't.

Quoted from bert So I liked it a lot, Phil.  It's clever.  And it casts Linus in a somewhat different light, too, doesn't it?  You've got a very unique character here in Sawyer, and I am left feeling as if you've only begun to scratch the surface.  Nice work.

I had to change Sawyer quite a bit here.  In Linus,  he was a villain, plain and simple.  Here, however, he's an anti-hero.  I had to make him friendlier, otherwise Tonya wouldn't have anything to do with him.  Also, I wasn't sure if I could write a story with the original Sawyer as the main character.

Thanks for the read, Bert.


Phil

A few quick responses to responses:

Quoted from dogglebe Is he pantless?  Who knows?

You do, Phil.

And I think Tonya's initial reaction to Sawyer is going to be very (very) dependent upon what you seem to be treating as an inconsequential detail.

Quoted from dogglebe Six tubes?  Who knows what's going on in the mind of evil druids.

You do, Phil.

What if your script lands on the desk of Mr. OCD?  It's such an easy detail to fix, so why not?

Quoted from dogglebe I don't really consider it shoving the description down anyone's throat...

Yeah, that might have been too strong.  My main concern was limiting the casting choices.  Who else looks like Rip Torn?  Nobody springs to mind.

Quoted from dogglebe I never did like it when people write their comments as they read...they tend to write comments like this that are unnecessary...

I left it like that to facilitate the compliment that follows, you knucklehead.  Read that particular comment through again.

That's a sarcastic "knucklehead", btw, not an argumentative one.  You're welcome for the read, Phil.  Sawyer is a really great character.

SPOILER SPACE (for non-significant spoilers)


When I wrote that first scene with Sawyer, I imagined him wearing only that poncho, Bert.  When I wrote the 'who knows' comment,  I thought I was leaving it up to everyone's imagination whether he was or not.

In regards to the test tubes, you're jumping to the conclusion that each test tube is for an elemental.  What if he had twenty test tubes in that rack?  I think this is a very insignificant point.


Phil

Phil,

Very interesting read here.  Its not really my cup of tea, considering I know absolutely nothing about the elemental, but I decided to give it a read anyway.  Overall I found it pretty good.  I felt the characterization was the best part here.  Sawyer is a very interesting character and I know that he has an unlimated amount of stories that can be told.  To be honest, I found the story to be the weakest part here.  There just didn't seem to be that much going on and the climax of waiting for the water elemental really didn't do much to highten my anticipation.  I think the major thing here is that this needs to be fleshed out more.  Standing only at 81 pages you had plenty of room to add significant scenes that could make this story all the more better.

Some things I noticed...

-I agree with Bert somewhat about Tanya.  All she really does in the script is ask questions and follow Sawyer around.  And her incounter with Frank and company seemed out of character.  She is in a total panic because Sawyer is gone and then turns around to be really confident when faced by all these people?  Seems like a bit of a stretch.  Atleast give us some inclination that she is gaining more confidence or starting to believe in the elemental's importance.
-This may be a bit picky, but what is up with all the crosses on the guardrails at the beginning?  I assume you are trying to show that a lot of people have wrecks around this turn, but wouldn't Tanya being drugged up and drunk be enough to explain her accident?  At first I thought they had a big bearing on something that would happen in the story.  They did not.
-I think that writing a script on the elemental and people who can channel them seems like a very cool idea.  Yet, you didn't deliver.  All we got was Sawyer with the fire and woman who could control the birds(which we only heard her say she did it instead of actually seeing it).  There has to be more.  If it is so powerful then I want to see people use it, not just talk about it.
(this goes along with fleshing out the story more)
-Another thing I noticed is that they're are a few times where you switch scenery without a scene heading.  You do this on page 38 when you go from EXT. COUNTRY ROAD, then a few lines down read "Frank Maybrick paces his den..."  You do it again on page 51.  You are in the barn where Frank is about to slaughter the deer and then you say "Outside, the horses..."  Something small that can be taken care of with a few licks of the keyboard.

This was a very good read.  You've gotten me really interesting in the elementals and the character of Sawyer.  I think if you flesh this out then you will come out with an even better product.  Can't wait to read the rewrites.

T.I.N.

Quoted from Jonathan Terry Very interesting read here.  Its not really my cup of tea, considering I know absolutely nothing about the elemental, but I decided to give it a read anyway.  Overall I found it pretty good.  I felt the characterization was the best part here.  Sawyer is a very interesting character and I know that he has an unlimated amount of stories that can be told.  To be honest, I found the story to be the weakest part here.  There just didn't seem to be that much going on and the climax of waiting for the water elemental really didn't do much to highten my anticipation.  I think the major thing here is that this needs to be fleshed out more.  Standing only at 81 pages you had plenty of room to add significant scenes that could make this story all the more better.

This was an early draft to the script.  I have some people interested in Sawyer and I told them I'd have a script for them by the end of June.  There will be revisioin to this script.  I already have some scenes in my head that I plan on using that will further expand the story.

Quoted from Jonathan Terry -I agree with Bert somewhat about Tanya.  All she really does in the script is ask questions and follow Sawyer around.  And her incounter with Frank and company seemed out of character.  She is in a total panic because Sawyer is gone and then turns around to be really confident when faced by all these people?  Seems like a bit of a stretch.  Atleast give us some inclination that she is gaining more confidence or starting to believe in the elemental's importance.

Given that she is very new to the game, I really can't see her doing more than tagging along and asking questions.  Her stunt with Frank and company was just to stall them.  I have ideas to improve this scene.

My rewriting will including adding an extra day to the story.  This will give Tonya more time to get her feet wet.

Quoted from Jonathan Terry -This may be a bit picky, but what is up with all the crosses on the guardrails at the beginning?  I assume you are trying to show that a lot of people have wrecks around this turn, but wouldn't Tanya being drugged up and drunk be enough to explain her accident?  At first I thought they had a big bearing on something that would happen in the story.  They did not.

I'm showing that the road is a dangerous one.  I've seen such makeshift memorials on many highways.  THis also supports Tonya's story when she explains to Sawyer what happened to her.

Quoted from Jonathan Terry -I think that writing a script on the elemental and people who can channel them seems like a very cool idea.  Yet, you didn't deliver.  All we got was Sawyer with the fire and woman who could control the birds(which we only heard her say she did it instead of actually seeing it).  There has to be more.  If it is so powerful then I want to see people use it, not just talk about it. (this goes along with fleshing out the story more)

Again, there will be more with the rewrites.

Quoted from Jonathan Terry -Another thing I noticed is that they're are a few times where you switch scenery without a scene heading.  You do this on page 38 when you go from EXT. COUNTRY ROAD, then a few lines down read "Frank Maybrick paces his den..."  You do it again on page 51.  You are in the barn where Frank is about to slaughter the deer and then you say "Outside, the horses..."  Something small that can be taken care of with a few licks of the keyboard.

You are only supposed to use scene headers when you're switching elsewhere in the story.  You don't need to do it if the character walks from one room to another.  I'll check the script to see if I made any mistakes on page thirty-eight.  The scene with the horses, I believe is correct.

Thanks for reading my script.


Phil

Hey Phil,
I just finished reading this script.
Sawyer is a lot different in this one.

SPOILERS



There were some type o's, not too many, but some.
This script is very different, and a very enjoyable read.
I feel like it is missing something, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'll give it another read again later on today, and it may come across to me then.

I like how the script kept me guessing what was going to happen next.
Phil, this script had a fairy tale feeling to it. The scene with the Druids and the water at the end was absolutely beautiful, breathtaking, in fact .  The ritual, though simple, "rang" true. Very nice!

I like the way Sawyer is in this one.

I'm going to read it again.

I really like Sawyer in this one as well, the story was very different from what I usually read. But I'm glad I did. My favorite part was the beginning it really brought out Tonya's character. Good work

9/10

Okay, I read it again. This time I was wide awake.

SPOILERS WITHIN




I noticed you ommitted NIGHT and DAY from some of your headings. Picky, I know...

Sawyer is 65. Would he really say "pimp your car"?

Greg Nugent caught the deer? Okay, I guess that's funny. LOL

I think I got what was missing... the other druids. The ones who were there during the birth of the water element.
I think they should be included in more of the story. Maybe they could be watching Sawyer in town to make sure he will be there when it's time. Maybe they cause distractions or commotion in town for the bad guys, too.  

I really liked this one, Phil.
The butterfly scene touched me with its beauty, but the actual birth... the fish, the bubbling water, the ringing of the bells, then the beautiful deer...
I loved it.

Cindy

Thanks for the read, Hatter.  I appreciate it.

Cindy, your suggestion about using the other druids is actually something I nevcer considered, but will in a later draft.  I always pictured Sawyer as the loner, except for the dogs  If I were to write a sequel, I would keep him as a loner with constant arguing between him and Tonya.  I could use the others in little more than cameo appearance.

With the butterfly and the deer scene, I'm hoping to show a gentle side to Sawyer that contradicts his dark side.  The rewrite will show him doing darker things that will contrast with his lighter side.


Phil

Quoted from CindyLKeller Okay, I read it again. This time I was wide awake. SPOILERS WITHIN I noticed you ommitted NIGHT and DAY from some of your headings. Picky, I know... Sawyer is 65. Would he really say "pimp your car"? Greg Nugent caught the deer? Okay, I guess that's funny. LOL I think I got what was missing... the other druids. The ones who were there during the birth of the water element. I think they should be included in more of the story. Maybe they could be watching Sawyer in town to make sure he will be there when it's time. Maybe they cause distractions or commotion in town for the bad guys, too.   I really liked this one, Phil. The butterfly scene touched me with its beauty, but the actual birth... the fish, the bubbling water, the ringing of the bells, then the beautiful deer... I loved it. Cindy

As a long time fan of the D&D game as soon as I saw the game mentioned in one of the messages along with a Druid and Water Elemental, I was very keen to read this script. I loved it. great stuff. Exactly what I want from a urban fantasy story.

Sewyer was an awesome protagonist, like straight out of a classical fable or myth. very commanding and stoic.

I don't know much about druids other than what I have read about in the Player's Hand Book. I used to read a lot of trash fantasy as a young teen until I moved on to reading myths and legends from around the world.

The druid's power of killing animals and using their gizzards for divination. (or whatever it's called) Is that based on Druid mythology or did you make it up? It was kind macarbe and seemed to clash with Druid's perpose of preserve life.

I think I read somewhere posted above that the ending was a little bit anti-climatic. I have to disagree. This story felt like a first act. There felt like there was more story to tell. I hope so cause I would like very much to see this wonderful world you have created fleshed out even more in more scripts.  

Gutting animals and looking at their innards is an ancient way of telling the future.  Most of the other things I wrote were made up, but this one is true.

I'm currently working on a rewrite.  It's about ten pages longer now and will incorpraporate changes based on the recommendations of those who read it.


Phil