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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Ghost Light Moderators: bert
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  Author    Ghost Light  (currently 1814 views)
Don
Posted: July 3rd, 2006, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ghost Light by Rick MeDille - Horror - In the tradition of “Tremors” and “Eight Legged Freaks”, Marine Corps Lawyer Cage Walker and the residents of Ghostlight, Nevada discover the real reason Area 51 was established. The Mystery Lights in the desert below Bald Mountain have never bothered anyone, until now. Now the mystery is how to survive the night. 97 pages - pdf, format


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wildgrace
Posted: August 15th, 2006, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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Use what you can, and ignore the rest.

CHARACTERS: Well developed characters, that speak in their own voice.

PLOT/STORY: Remember to set-up moments so they are believable when they happen and they feel genuine. Work on smoothing out the plot structure.

DIALOGUE: Dialogue is really good. Sounds genuine and moves right along.

ORIGINALITY: Snakes terrorizing a town have been down before, but with a good rewrite it would make a fun, campy horror.

CINMATIC QUALITY:  We do seem to like our campy horror stories every now and again.

SCENE DESCRIPTION/STRUCTURE: You tend to overwrite, telling us things we can't see on screen. A little is okay. Try to cut these parts out on the rewrite.

QUALITY OF WRITING: Good. Sometimes overwritten with action or thoughts we can't see onscreen. Otherwise it reads quick.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:  I think with a good rewrite this would be a quite enjoyable film to escape life for a few hours.


THOUGHTS THAT PASSED THROUGH MY HEAD DURING FIRST READ

2 when I write there's normally not a scratching sound. How is Scrooge creating the scratching sound?

2 If Scrooge's name is Jonah Hightower, why are we calling him Scrooge?

3 Try not to use “ing” or is whenever possible, as they sound passive. (Something I struggle with.) For instance, would like the sentence as “He places the photo against the lamp, next to a barrel of a shotgun that leans against the desk.”

Good intro. I'm curious.

3 I don't have any trouble with the lights hovering, but I think the next part of the sentence watching like demon eyes may be a bit much.

4 How old is Cage?

5 Character descriptions are usually done at time of introduction, not a few lines later (Marcie, Walter).

6 How old is Buck?

9 I think the audience is not going to make the connection that Jonah and Scrooge are the same person.

9 WALTER
Buck has a big heart, but I never
realized the gene pool had a kiddy
section until my daughter married
him. She's gone, he and my
granddaughter are all I have left.
(I don't quite get what you are trying to say. I'm confused.)

10 Why is Walter showing Cage around town? Cage didn't ask for an escort, Walter just offered to meet the townfolk. This moment does not feel genuine, unless there is a reason Walter doesn't want Cage to run around town on his own. If that's the case, have Cage try and shake him and have Walter insist, just being neighborly, and show him around.

9 Cage holds a pillow and an armful of bags? His he buying tourist gifts for family back home? Are they food? Has he decided to stay in town? This moment could be clarified.

12 I'm confused, I thought Cage just dropped by, for a few moments. I didn't think he was staying. Might want to make it a little more clear that Cage plans to stick around for a few days.

16 Cage just guessed the man is Scrooge, from the wee bit of conversation. A bit of a stretch. It would make sense for Walter to point Scrooge out though.

16 Seems a bit contradictory for Walter to say everyone should be afraid of the lights, and then says Scrooge is a bit crazy for believing the same. I would think Walter would say the lights are an interesting phenomenon but harmless, and people should come and see these harmless lights.

23 How old are Cora and Calvin?

26 Was Marcie hiding in the wagon? Why? Everyone knows she's there to visit Scrooge, she talked to Walter about it. And if she wasn't hiding Cage should have seen her when he jumped.

27 Somehow I don't expect a JAG lawyer to admit to having nerves.

29 “wishing he hadn't been so harsh. He thinks about following her to
apologize - again, but there are more important matters.” You can't see this on screen, cut it out.

31 “Kate would have to walk past his open bedroom door at the head of the stair to go out.” Can't show this on screen, cut it out.

31 Maybe have Walter mention earlier that Kate Lynn better not try any of her disappearing tricks tonight, or he is going to ground her for twice as long. Would help make sense of this moment.

35 “Lance doesn't like the idea and starts to protest. He sees
she's made up her mind and gives in.” Can't see this stuff on screen. Try rewriting it as follows “Lance opens his mouth. He notices Kate Lynn's furious facial expression. He closes his mouth.” Gets the same point across, but does it with things we can see on screen.

37 It might be more dramatic if Cage doesn't believe Scrooge's thought process. Maybe even mocks them. Would add tension and conflict to the screen. Scrooge doesn't seem shy about telling anyone the lights are dangerous, I don't see him having any trouble with telling people why they are dangerous. I think this scene would keep more in Scrooge's character if he wants to tell Cage what is going on but Cage doesn't believe just yet.  

40 The story would be more interesting if anyone thinks Scrooge is nuts. Even Marcie, but she recognizes a good story for her magazine when she sees one. So have everyone dismisses Scrooge, even makes fun of  him, until they are forced to admit he's right. This is way more dramatic than people just accepting that maybe Scrooge may be onto something.

40 Scrooge “... want to hear stories or not?” Have everyone, Cage, Lance, Kate Lynn, and Marcie say “Not.” Marcie then adds “Once was enough.”

41 I think it would make more sense for Marcie to read the book. Lance would be more interested in snuggling with his girlfriend.

43 The native tales feels exposition. Maybe have the two couple that were killed, the one with the dog, to be seen earlier at a Native reserve, and while there they hear about the native tales that refer to what is going on.

45 I'm a little confused. The town sees ghost light most nights. But the Venus transit only happens once a year, and if I understand right the ghost lights are the “demons” arriving on Earth. If that's the case why can you see ghost lights on a regular basis? Maybe the “demons” travel between Earth and where ever they come from on a regular basis, but the lights can only be activated on a certain date on a certain area of ground. Any ghost lights outside that specified ground area, remain lights. Only a few are lucky to make the change to snakes. (Or maybe not.)

And, I think we need to have reference to some weird snake found in the 1800's. Something maybe that can be on display on the Native reserve. People have tried to find more of the species, or fossils, but they only ever found the one (or not)

47 There just going to leave Cage? Not very nice of them, nor has he been shown to be in much danger. He didn't scream or yell or anything.

With something attached to Cage's leg, I don't think he be asking where are you going? Personally I think he'd be freaking out.

47 There is no set-up for the little girl. None. Have Coral and spouse have a daughter maybe. So she can go missing with them. And have Walter put an APB on all of them, especially for the kid. Then this moment will be properly set-up and not feel out of the blue.

50 Man #1 & Man #2, I don't remember any set-up for this moment. Did the Man 1 & 2 have a run in with the snakes? If so you're going to want to show us this so scene makes sense and doesn't feel out of place.

54 Little early for Cage to face his fears and get past them, we just passed the half way mark. I'd have Lance save the day, and just have Cage frozen unable to look away from the snake. After Lance kills all the snakes, have him cover the snakes to snap Cage out of it.

This way in act three when Cage does face his fear and kill/destroy the snake, we can see how big an obstacle the fear of snakes was.

56 Gun being empty is just too coincidental. Have there be bullets in the gun, and have Cage manage to pull Lance's arm or rifle out of the way just enough so the bullets just misses Marcie's head. Much more exciting.

57 Why would the need to take Hope out of the room? And why would Marcie think that place is the safest?

58 I don't know if Hope would talk that well for a child. Maybe she mistakes Scrooge for her grandpa. And have Scrooge say he hopes her grandpa is okay. (If you show Scrooge to be a crudgemudgeon up til this point, this would be a moment where we can see Scrooge does care and can be tender.)

62 I'd go with negotiation, compromise means it only eats half of you.  Great line. LOL.

66 Cage mixed up the Star Trek, Star Wars reference. I think the line about basilisk in mythology came from reptiles should be Lance's line.

Random thought:  What if Cage had been in a mission situation and he screwed it up, because he froze when he saw a snake. People got killed, including his girlfriend. So he's been discharged from the army. Would add to the back story and Cage's need to overcome his fear of snakes.

86 The event only lasts six hours. Do the snakes die at the end of six hours? Or do they live on, past the six hour mark?

91 Why would all the snakes arrive in one place? So they can all be killed at once?  Need to come up with a better explanation for this. Even if humans are there, I don't see all the snakes just converging on one place.

96 That turn your head and cough joke is getting very old.

96 Don't get the whole in a hurry to go to Toronto and Camp LeJeune dialog.


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
wildgrace  -  August 16th, 2006, 7:19pm
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