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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Caper Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Caper  (currently 4600 views)
Don
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 8:00am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Caper by Mike Shelton - Short - It's strange enough having to kidnap someone that's already been kidnapped, but it's about to get a whole lot stranger. 21 pages - html, format


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The boy who could fly
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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This is the fourth Script I have read today, I gues being stuck home sick with nothing to do kind of helps

WOW Mike, I liked this one a lot!

*************SPOILERS**************


You got a bit of a From dusk till down thing going here, on page 12 I was like "WHAT THE FUCK"  You really through me off.

You also had your trademark good dialog here

I really like Werewolf stories so this was a very pleasant surprise, I wrote a Werewolf script myself, and both yours and my Werewolves got yellow eyes

You did a great job of describing your characters in such a shot amount of time and the story flows very well, this was a quick read.

The ending was great, very well done

In the end I thought this was another great script to add to you list.  Good work


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Nixon
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Possible Spoilers

What an insane story, at first this seemed like just a story about an oddball group of hired-hands with some comedy thrown in. But then everything was kind of turned upside down on page thirteen. What genre would you define this as?

Anyway. The characters were generally well developed, especially Renton and Issac. Sometimes the others didn't shine through and were forgotten like Haig. It kind of seems like he was just there for some one-liners and to fill up the page.

Dialogue was great and gave me a few laughs. I commend you on the several different variations of fuck that you used. Fuckin', fucktard, fucko, motherfuckers.


My favorite scene would have to be between Teddy and the Security guard, it was fuckin' hilarious.


Quoted from Teddy

They canceled the concert?


This particular line had me laughing out loud.

Overall, really good and different.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.

Revision History (1 edits)
Nixon  -  July 8th, 2006, 9:40pm
I hate these things ’ with a terrible passion
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Shelton
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading guys.

Not sure which genre I would describe this as really.  I suppose in all reality it's a horror short, but I don't know really.

Haig was just kind of there for assistance.  Didn't run the job, wasn't interested in running the job....just there.

The scene with Teddy and the Security Guard was my favorite one to write.  I'm starting to like this "bringing characters from other scripts back" thing.

Thanks again for reading.  I'm glad both of you enjoyed it.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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James McClung
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS...

I liked this one. The whole idea of kidnapping someone who's been kidnapped is great and the fact that it's the mayor's son kicked it up a notch. I didn't see the werewolf coming at all though. Very excellent twist here. The dialogue was humorous but this didn't strike me as a comedy. The characters were humorous but ultimately this seemed to be a crime meets horror short, much like Disposeable Heroes, which was pretty decent. I think it worked better this way rather than a horror comedy. Not much to complain about here. All in all, a solid read. Good job, Mike.


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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,
I just finished reading this one.



SPOILERS


Okay, my thoughts... I think it started a little slow. Seven minutes of the 21 were about the group going over things. Nothing really happened. Maybe add a scene somewhere in the beginning with the bad guys throwing the mayor's son into the room... before he turned into the werewolf. Have him pounding on the door, throwing a fit inside or something.
That was my only suggestion for this one.
I liked the characters, your dialogue, and the story.  
Now I know the one thing duct tape won't hold. LOL

Good read, as usual Mike.

Cindy



Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Shelton
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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James and Cindy,

Thanks for reading.

James,

I can see the similarities between this and DH, definitely, especially since Teddy appears in both of them.  I wanted this one to come as more of a surprise though, where you're just kinda going along and then WHAM! you get hit with the twist.  I thought it turned out pretty cool, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Cindy,

Good point about the length of the first scene.  I usually try to keep things at 3-4 pages per scene max, but I guess I ran a litle long trying to develop the characters a little bit before going into the job.  Nice suggestion with opening with the son.  I might have to look into that one.

Thanks again.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Helio
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey Mike!!! As usual you are a very nice storyteller, pal! Great characthers, interesting visual descptions, easy reading and...Well, I have to say maybe, I said, maube, but I'm not sure indeed, in regard what Cindy told about you let 8 pages just to introduce the characthers, I have to agree with her. They say that in a feature script you have to hook a reader in the first 10 pages, so I think 4 pages wold be fine, in your case we accepte that because you a good writer and your words flows nicely.

congrats, Mike!

PS Oh, I see a problem in your script...It isn't a low budget script and for a short movie is a problem, do you know what I mean?
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Shelton
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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Helio,

Thanks for reading.  I can see where you're coming from in terms of budget, but I would concede a change to the "twist" if necessary.  I think there are a few ways to get the point across, at least cheaper, while still having the same effect.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Helio
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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I knew that, Mike. I thought you will say something like this. That's why you are Mike Shelton the wizard of the screenwriting! Hehe!
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tonkatough
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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whow this little story was a pleasent surprise. I was reading a heist movie with some small time criminals and out of the blue there is suddenly a werewolf.  cool. I dig werewolves.

I liked how you used no foreshadowing for the werewolf and just sprung it on the reader. That was brillant. And when I got to the werewolf it fitted perfectly with the story straight away.

The only thing i didn't like about this story was the end. it didn't really end, it just stopped and that was annoying because I wanted the stroy to keep going. How where they going to get the mayor's son back home to daddy. Why was the mayor's son a werewolf? Why was he kept secret and not destroyed? Why was the boy kidnapped? Who kidnapped him?

This is more of a tease than a short script as it leaves to many question unanswered and I wanted more.


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Shelton
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read.

The story didn't necessarily stop, I just failed to show Isaac, Gilley and Haig being savagely eaten by the werewolf, which I chose to just imply.

There are a few questions that don't have answers like you said, mainly why was he kidnapped and who did it, but I didn't think in this case it was terribly necessary and may have caused the script to be talky.

The other question of why he was destroyed could be answered in a roundabout way I suppose by simply saying "He's his son".  Not the greatest answer I know, but it's somewhat acceptable.

If I were to extend this, it would be basically just to show what I stated above.  The three guys get eaten, and maybe after he's done he goes after Teddy, who took off just before it freed itself, and I couldn't possibly kill Teddy.  I like using him too much.

Thanks again.  


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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Hey,

Good format, nice use of dialoge I like Teddy's character, he seems so modern today. What kinda 45 does renton have is it a colt, police issue?

The werewolf was nice pick Seven foot tall.  i didn't expect  that. lol

a weird script, I like the ending where dart wore off in two minutes and their contact was due in ten.

You should give us an insight of what happened next. Did they get away, did the werewolf ever turn back to the kid?

Need to know,

Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
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Shelton
Posted: July 11th, 2006, 12:17am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Daniel_Robinson

You should give us an insight of what happened next. Did they get away, did the werewolf ever turn back to the kid?

Need to know,

Dan


The werewolf ate them.

Teddy was actually a character in another one of my scripts.  I liked writing him so much I decided to bring him back.



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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 11th, 2006, 12:23am Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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Nicely done.

I'm in the process of review more scripts so I'll catch ya later on,

Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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