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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Weak End Moderators: bert
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  Author    Weak End  (currently 903 views)
Don
Posted: July 25th, 2006, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Weak End by Michel J. Duthin - Short - Weak End or how a picnic can turn to a real slaughter.  10 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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darthbrion
Posted: July 26th, 2006, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


I'm seriously troubled.....

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okay I just finished with your short so here goes nuthin'

* SPOILERS *

* I had a hard time keeping up with who was who cause they were just names.  No descriptions of the characters at all.

* "I have a bad feeling about this" as a huge horror fan I cringe when I hear those words.  It's like Horror 101, you say stuff like that...You die.

* I have to at least give you props for using a new method of killing people - but Voodoo Dolls?  Was Alex from New Orleans?

* I almost missed the "twist" at the end cause well look back at the no names thing.

Anyway it was okay, not great but not horrid either.  Maybe a little more characterization would help.
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chism
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 2:53am Report to Moderator
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Well I just finished reading your script so here goes:

SPOILERS

I basically agree with everything darthbrion said. It's like a handbook of horror movie cliches. There are no characterisations except for the constant swearing. It just wasn't very interesting and the only thing I could guess is that it's what you were going for, that you wanted it to be written this way. I'm sorry to say that this is either really bad, or it's art.

Another thing, why do the girls stay behind and get lunch ready while the guys go off playing? Why is it that only the girls are scared? There horror movie constructions that women are always the ones who get scared is just crap. It's an extraordinarily sexist addition on your part.

Is there any particular reason that the cops were smoking a joint? This script basically has every horror movie cliche crammed into nine pages. It's almost funny if it wasn't so obvious and brainless.  It just didn't seem very realistic that a rookie cop would be smoking a joint in front of the Chief. I understand that there are obviously some cops in America, and definately in other countries, who are joint-smokers but there is no justification and there is no reason behind it. I'm actually very surprised you didn't get in some gratutious sex in there somewhere. Horror movie characters always have time for some slap 'n' tickle before being murdered and saying "I have a bad feeling..."

There were also a few mistakes in your script. You referred to Irvin as Paul at one stage, and then a character calls him Irving a few moments later. Your formatting is very good, but I'm thinking you used a scriptwriting program because of the PDF formatting. Proofreading needs to be a little more thorough.

I'm not trying to offend you, these are simply renderings of my opinion. I apologise if I have hurt your feelings. A little more characterisations and improvements in the writing will make this script a lot better in the long run.


Cheers, Chism.
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michel
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 3:24am Report to Moderator
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Chism and Darthbrion, thank you for your reviews.

In fact, this script was MEANT to be a horror film parody. I pointed out every cliché of it and nothing has to be taken seriously in it.

**************SPOILERS**************

Quoted from chism
Horror movie characters always have time for some slap 'n' tickle before being murdered and saying "I have a bad feeling..."


An example of the "bad feeling" thing:

                                    KATE
          Maddy, do you remember the last time I had that feeling?

                                    MADDY
          Nope.
                    (confidentially)
          And I don’t give a fuck.


Quoted from chism
Another thing, why do the girls stay behind and get lunch ready while the guys go off playing? Why is it that only the girls are scared? There horror movie constructions that women are always the ones who get scared is just crap. It's an extraordinarily sexist addition on your part.


That was the point. ALMOST every horror film is sexist.


Quoted from chism
I'm actually very surprised you didn't get in some gratutious sex in there somewhere.


You're right. I missed that one (LOL)

Michel



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chism
Posted: July 28th, 2006, 4:58am Report to Moderator
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Well I'm glad you're taking our comments on board, and with such good humour as well. It works a lot better as a parody of horror movies rather than an actual horror movie.

Cheers, Chism.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: July 28th, 2006, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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This was funny. I like it how the cops smoked "joints" and how there were so many clichés in it. I found this was a parody after reading your responses to Chism and darthbrion, and it made me laugh.

Like Chism said, where's the sex? Haha most horror movies have sex and either they don't die, or they die during the event. So I'm surprised this is a clean horror movie (though I make mine sort of clean too).

Anyways, I like the way the killer killed of his victims by using voodoo dolls, but how would Alex know where to drop them off to where the victims would find them? I liked the ending too with the "twist", but same as darthbrion said, I had to go back and find out that Alex was actually one of the people from the previous group...


Sean


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Heretic
Posted: July 28th, 2006, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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I dunno...

I don't think that this is taken to its full potential as a parody.  It's even more straight-up parody than Scream (well, I guess that's a satire, but still) and there's a very thin line between this and bad horror.  Sure, bad horror's funny, but is it worth making into a film?  This seems to need a bit more of a move in one direction or another.  

I suppose it all depends on what your intent was with this.  Format was good, although there are a few spelling/grammar things around.

Oh yeah, and the title.  It doesn't work for me.  I just don't get it.  I mean, I get that it's a pun on weekend, but past that, what is it supposed to mean?



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Heretic  -  July 28th, 2006, 6:41pm
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alffy
Posted: July 30th, 2006, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel

Just read your short.  Glad I read the posts before writing this as I wasn't aware that you wrote this with the concept of horror cliche's.

I found it a little hard to follow at times but I did enjoy it.  I feel this is probably a first draft and could be improved should you wish to do so.

Anyway interesting concept, I liked it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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