Barbra-Que by Sean Elwood (thedeadwalk2nite) - Short, Drama - Three friends mourn over a loved one during a work business bar-be-que.     A July, 2006 One Week Writing Challenge Entry - rtf, format

Well I know who wrote this one, at least I'm 99.9% sure(watch it turn out to be someone who never submitted anything before...LOL)

There were some grammer mistakes here and there, like "car" instead of "care"

*************spoilers**************

Ihave to say you gave it a pretty neat ending, kinda threw me off a little bit.  good job there.

when tristian says "Well most kids go through that. I’m sure they understood. I mean I lost my dad when I was ten, and I actually got over it pretty quickly."

that felt kinda false, I know from personal expeirience losing a parent at 10, even if you don't get along with them, is something you don't get over easy, there is alot of other stuff that comes along with it, trust me on that one.

The dialog was pitchy here and there, it wasn't bad, just too esact, everybody was explaining everything,I think it needs to be tightened a little bit.

It was a good story in the end, and I loved your ending.  Good work ****

I agree this one could use some tightening up; but hey, it was completed within a week.  

The ending packed a powerful punch though. The tone felt dream like, but eerie... Nightmareish! I said, "Oh, gawd..." out loud at the end.

Good job,

Cindy

First the good things:  

-Good title.
-Nice and creepy twist at the end.
-Despite the dark ending, for the most part this feels indeed like a drama at the end of a family barbeque. I looked at the loglines of the other entries and it seems that not everyone could come up with something that sticked to the challenge rules.

As for the negative aspects, the main one was dialogue. Characters told each other lots of things they already knew, so the exposition was a bit artificial.

The overall impression I get from this piece is a good one though. Good job.

I agree with Mr Z. too much exposition here, but indeed it had drama in it.

About the final, for me it went to other genre, but doesn't matter. As Cindy said it was written wthin a week.

Good job!

I thought this script was pretty good. The dialogue wasn't bad, it's just that some of it didn't seem to ring true. It seemed like the characters explained everything in an unconvincing way, if that makes any sense to you. I guessed the twist early on from the clever title. I do like the ending, it was a bit creepy, though I don't think it works within the script as it seemed to be a drama before the end, and then it turns into some sick and demented horror story. There are a few typo's in there, but not too big of a deal. When you use "Dissolve To:", it's supposed to go on the right side of the page because it's a transition. I was really confused how Kyle was a female and Tristian was a male. Is that an error in the script or is it supposed to be funny? I was just a bit confused by that. Something I didn't find believable was how Kyle says she (he?) couldn't believe she wasn't invited to the funeral because they're his employees. However, she later says that Barbra was her best friend. How could she not get invited to her best friend's funeral? These are just some things that confused me in the script. Overall, I'd say you did a good job. Your descriptions are nice and detailed, but not too wordy, just perfect. Good work!

While we had some decent character building, and a twisted ending, there was some stuff in here that was just weird. I've never heard Kyle as a girl's name before so that threw me to begin with. Some of the relationships between the characters got deeper and deeper which is normally good, but hard to wrap your head around when you think about it.

Here's what I got out of the story:

Barbra is Jared Long's wife. Tristian and Hillary are married and Kyle is Hillary's sister. Barbra is Kyle's best friend. Tristian and Kyle both work for Jared who is also a mortician along with owning his own company. That's some close company relationships.

What exactly would possess Jared to serve up his own wife and mother of his children? No reasoning was given for this. It's sick, of course, but why do it? It might be nice to know what this mysterious corporation is. Could lend some credibility to the story.

I echo the sentiments about the dialogue just spewing expositional information that everyone would know especially if they are this closely related.

You have a continuity error where Kyle says early on she was sure Barbra's death was quick and painless, and later states Barbra died in front of her. I was waiting to know how Barbra died, but you never came clean with it.

Nice ending, but it needs a lot of work.

I agree with the others that this one needs a little work. Mostly just tightening up as far as the story went.

I also agree that it was a little confusing a couple of times and a lot of dialogue. Despite this however, I kinda liked it. I really did! Similar to "woman scorned" as far as revenge and cannibalism goes.

I have a feeling this was written by one of the younger people here at SS. If that is true then I think you have potential.

This was the second cannibalism story I've read now, haha Simply Sick I say.

This was a decent read. Very dialogue-heavy but I enjoyed it just the same. I liked how you took the theme of death and gave all your characters different views on it. I think this is the way it should be. I did think Jared's character was somewhat bizzare though. Regardless of the fact that he likes to serve people at his barbeques, it doesn't make sense that the boss of a corporation would work part time as a mortician. I think he'd just about have his hands full and I'm sure people would think it was a tad fishy. I know I do. Also, you shouldn't give this kind of information when introducing a character. You can't see it therefore it's lost when the script is transferred to film. You also have a few typos you might want to address.

All in all, a decent read. I think you could have used a more dramatic storyline as opposed to the more horrific twist but I think what you have is relatively well written nevertheless.

Good script.

THERE MIGHT BE SPOILERS AHEAD!!

Again, like a couple of scripts I've read for the OWC, everything seems so innocent and normal until a really freaky twist at the end throws me off and makes my expression dramatically change. That's a good thing though. I loooove twists.

The only thing I had a slight problem with was the dialogue, which seems to be the main element in this story I think. Some parts felt real but I had to really act it out in my head to get it there, other dialogue felt a little false at times. But it's very decent and for a week, it's pretty darn good. It was enjoyable.

Good story, without the twist there wouldn't be much there, but a very entertaining piece. Very enjoyable. Good job.

GBM

Hahahahaha

That was the best ending of any of the scripts I've read from this exercise!  It was a real punch in the gut because the other 9 pages were pretty emotional.  

*Page 10--2 errors I spotted.  The care thing and also..."your almost gone" should be "you're."  
*Alot of the dialogue was heartfelt, but some of it felt forced, almost like they were trying to tell Barbra's life story to inform the reader.  It just didn't sound natural at times like when they're including fact after fact in their speeches.  
*Some people asked why Jared would feed his dead wife at a BBQ(lol) and I think I have an answer.  You show Jared relatively happy in the beginning, so maybe he wanted Barbra dead.  Maybe he's some sadistic guy.  I think it makes sense.

So overall a very strongly written piece with the best ending.  Nice work!

Hey Sean.  Thought I would bump this one up from the bottom of the pile.  I’m not sure I’ve read anything of yours before, but those who favor zombies in their stories seem to like your stuff pretty well.

And this was good.  Whether you realized what you were doing or not, incorporating so much nature into the background of this story of life and death is quite appropriate, and helps it to feel more complete.

*  The description “also a mortician” sticks out like a sore thumb.  Not only is that wrong in that you are telling -- not showing -- it also kind of gives away where this story is ultimately going to lead.  You should have a character tell us this directly (as you do later).
*  When one character mentions the death of a child’s mother, another character responds that, “most kids go through that.”  What?  A weird patch of dialogue, indeed.
*  Why would one mortician -- the only one in town -- need “dozens” of trays and cabinets filled with tools?  A small detail.
*  (To himself...or so it seems) -- while I am almost certain this parenthetical is wrong, I still kind of like it, you know?  I enjoy it when authors play with the conventions of formatting a bit.
*  And this ends with a “creepshow” pun about “how much they love her”, which is actually kind of funny.

One thing I noticed (that I would change) is that you abandon your three main characters at the end, opting instead for the elderly woman and her husband.  Better you should have stuck with Kyle and the rest of them -- the characters we already know -- asking Jared for some leftovers.

Anyway, this story works on its own terms, to a point, but it leaves unresolved the central question of WHY Jared would do such a thing.  Is it for revenge?  Has he been driven mad with grief?  I enjoyed this story, Sean, and you did a good job establishing your three main characters -- but for this piece to feel really “complete”, we need to know a little bit more about Jared and his motives.

Quoted Text I was really confused how Kyle was a female and Tristian was a male. Is that an error in the script or is it supposed to be funny? I was just a bit confused by that. Something I didn't find believable was how Kyle says she (he?) couldn't believe she wasn't invited to the funeral because they're his employees. However, she later says that Barbra was her best friend. How could she not get invited to her best friend's funeral?

Kyle is considered a male name, but it can use as a female's name to. Paris Hilton's aunt's name is Kyle (I just found that out todau ) just like how Alex and Jesse can be a unisex name, even though people use them mostly for men. Also, about the not being invited part, I forgot to fix that part up.

Quoted from George Willson What exactly would possess Jared to serve up his own wife and mother of his children?

That's the mystery of the story. It depends on people's opinions.

Quoted from George Willson I was waiting to know how Barbra died, but you never came clean with it.

That's up to the audience.

Quoted from Greg You show Jared relatively happy in the beginning, so maybe he wanted Barbra dead.  Maybe he's some sadistic guy.  I think it makes sense.

What I said about one of George's comment. I didn't really want to have an answer to why Jared wanted to feed his wife to everyone.

Quoted from bert The description “also a mortician” sticks out like a sore thumb.  Not only is that wrong in that you are telling -- not showing -- it also kind of gives away where this story is ultimately going to lead.  You should have a character tell us this directly (as you do later).

I was afraid of that, but didn't really give much thought into deleting the description of him being a mortician

Quoted from bert Why would one mortician -- the only one in town -- need “dozens” of trays and cabinets filled with tools?

Maybe a lot of people die in that town.

Quoted from bert (To himself...or so it seems) -- while I am almost certain this parenthetical is wrong, I still kind of like it, you know?  I enjoy it when authors play with the conventions of formatting a bit.

Haha that was my inner thoughts speaking...

Thanks for the comments everyone! I'm not the best with dialogue (I don't know if you figured that out yet ) but I'm glad everyone enjoyed the story. I will try and avoid these sort of problems next OWC.

Sean

That was a funny story. I can't help but notice a few things (other than those already mentioned).

1) How would you introduce Jared Long as mortician and boss of the corporation? conversation? V.O? name plates? I think it couldn't be done with a line of character description.
2) At one of point Tristian says "Jared is the boss of our corporation", While Jared says to Tristian that "he is a friend of one of his fellow employees"? The work relationships needs some fine tuning.

Hi ZS...

Good work, quite classical but good. Thought I have guessed long before the end, I liked the twist. It was obvious that someone with a such subject would do a cannibal story.

One point anyway: you don't need to tell us that Jared is "a boss for a corporation and and also a mortician" because your characters point it out later.

A good story anyway


Michel