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Who ever wrote this is very gifted for story, character and dialog. This is probably the best one I read so far, but by far the most depressing and grim, you kinda feel like Ethan by the end of it.
***********SPOILERS**************
The way the story cut between the convict and the poem that Ethan was reading went very well together, I was wondering how they were gonna connect, that was until you find out the convict was a child molester, then I knew.
The twist at the end was a shocker, I did not see that one coming at all.
Yikes, this one was great. Kind of makes me feel jealous...just kidding.
Well, sort of.
Anyways, onto my review here: this was very well written and, like Jordan said, whoever wrote this has great writing talent and is able to capture anyone's attention.
I liked it how you cut from one locatiion to another to another, and it worked out perfectly. The story was good and I liked the ending. Great job!
I liked this one. Took me while to read it but that's because I'm a slow reader.
It's so wonderfully detailed and I know this is a very talented writer. Who, I couldn't say... I'm not sure I've read many like this before so it's hard to say. The story itself is great and it's pace even better.
SPOILERS!!
The twist at the end was something I didn't see coming... and I'm not sure I totally get it. I thought the brother was coming home to visit them... was he about to be set free or...? I'm not sure why he'd run or do something like that...
Still, a brilliantly written story and one I definitely enjoyed reading. Good job!
My only beef is with the religious chat since it doesn't seem to move the story forward. Unless it has some kind of hidden symbolism connected to the plot that I failed to grasp (it could be, I suck at getting those).
My guess it's James... could be Martin, too, but I think it's James. You do have a way with words. I could almost smell the sweat, and blood on the convict; it seemed so real. The twist got me, too. I didn't see that coming, yet it tied in with the poem very well. Good job. This is one of my favorites.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
For a one week exercise this one seemed well thought out. I like your descriptions, perhaps a bit overdrawn by typical industy standards but that's never bothered me so much personally, especially if it's vivid and has flow which this does.
I also like how you kept us in the dark and were careful not to reveal too much too soon. That's a good technique and not always easy to pull off.
I like it when you can get lost in a story and have no idea what's going to happen next or how it's going to turn out. Good job.
"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
This one is so sharply written that I am certain the italics are only meant to throw us off the scent. This could be a couple of people -- a very short list -- or somebody new.
I found the religious ideology mirroring the stories progression to be quite effective. That aspect of the story was almost poetic, as were many of the descriptions. The italics did not really distract, but they didn’t really add much, either. I suspect the author knows this is incorrect, but was just having fun, which I can appreciate during these exercises.
Where I was ultimately disappointed was the final revelation, which seemed more circumstantial than destined, as there was nothing to foreshadow this turn of events, unless I missed it. This detail seemed like an afterthought, as if the author was struggling for an appropriate conclusion to this story.
This is beautifully written -- a pleasure to read -- so much so that any deviations from standard formatting are readily forgiven. But unless I missed some clues along the way, the ending left me wanting more.
Thought I'd give this a read out of curiosity since a couple of people seem to suspect I wrote it.
I liked this a lot and it's nice to be suspected of writing such a script. Descriptions are extremely vivid with some nice imagery. I'm also a fan of darker stories such as this one. I have to agree with Bert that the final twist felt somewhat tacked-on, and I can't help thinking I missed something early on in the story that foreshadows the ending. This is a good script that could benefit from a rewrite just to give added weight to the revelation at the end.
Like Bert I think the italics were done on purpose to throw us off the scent. I'm not 100% sure who wrote this. I think I would guess Breanne, but she did say in a review the other day that there wasn't much of a BBQ going on in that story and this one you can say the same, so I don't know.
The part with Abigail in the barn with the convict reminded me a little of Con Air. That is not a put down btw.
The story and plotting was great.
Besides one or two, I have now read all the entries and I'm surprised how much death, murder, rape, incest, pedophilia and even cannibalism we all cranked out. Are we a sick bunch or what?
I liked this one a lot. I was impressed how the majority of the plot was forwarded by an indirect source: the poem. This could have not worked but I think you pulled it off nicely. At the same time, you still gave all the information needed that wasn't given in the poem, such as the convict being a child molester. Perhaps this could've been concluded later on but it's usually better to inform the reader/viewer earlier on. Your writing is also sharp throughout. I really have nothing to complain about here except for the lack of a barbeque and the italics. Perhaps they were meant to throw us off the trail, as Bert suggested, but nevertheless, I found them unneccesary.
All in all, good job. I assume the writer's a lady, judging by the pseudonym Roberta Smith, and I think I know just the one.
Others have commented on the italics, and if they weren't done on purpose, please never use them again. Hm, you italicize most things that would be capitalized and yet did not italicize Sheriff Harlan's first entrance.
However, the short was impressive. Previous reviewers didn't get the point between the poetic discussion and the greater story. I think I got the correlation between Son/Satan, child born and then killed, and then your masterful little twist at the end.
SPOILER PART
The Son = Ethan Satan = Ethan's brother The Child = Abigail
Satan kills the child and then The Son defeats Satan in the end. Or something to that effect. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but that seemed to be the point of having all that poetic discussion beyond just distracting them from Abigail.
I recall reading a script long, long ago where there were lots of italics, so I may have read you before but I can't be sure. As everyone has already said, the story is very well written. I found one error, and that was on the first page:
*Next to *an* undisturbed pond.
The story was basically a parrallel of the opening poem, so likewise it was poetic all the way through. My beef is the ending. The problem is that it was out there but it wasn't shocking. It was the guy's brother...okay. There's no real reason to be like "whoa" to that...I don't even know if that was what you were going for but I'm just providing my feedback.
So overall it was nicely written. Not the most exciting but the beauty is there. Nice work
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Hell and Consequences
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