Burning Bridges by Pia Tomson - Short, Drama - To save himself and his younger brother a young boy resort to drastic measures. 5 pages - pdf, format

A July, 2006 One Week Writing Challenge Entry

Winner in the super short category of Gimme Credit screenplay competition cycle III, 2006.

This was a very sad story

the opening is very sad with Mikey naked and bloodied, I kinda knew what was going on at that point.

**********SPOILERS***********

I think the choice Mikey makes was a tough one, I dunno if he would burn the place down, but given the abuse he went under who knows, I'm sure stuff like that happens a lot, just seems so sad that it does.

all in all this was another good one, a lot differnt than the others I have read so far, this didn't have any comedy in it.  good work

I really liked this one. Who wrote this, knows what he's doing. And I say "he" because it feels like Mike, but that's just a guess though.

Describing the children toys along with beer cans and bottles was a very nice visual which pretty rounds up the whole tone of this story. Could have worked quite well as an opening.

The script sticks to the challenge rules as well. Good job.

Very sad yet triumphant story. Mr.Z is right, it could work very well as an opening to a larger story.

All the visuals that you so elegantly described led to a feeling of desperation. I felt Mikey's pain, I felt his lonliness as if everyone that he could count on was no longer around. Might have been physically (his mother) but she had left him alone by allowing him to endure the kind of torture that Ray no doubt subjected him to.

It was very quiet and eerie. I FELT the silence and dread.

So yes, this was a very sad story and it is one that repeats itself over and over again, in all walks of life, yet you seemed to capture this particular world very fluently. Great Job!

For a OWE, this piece was full of deep emotional impact. Impressive. I really don't have anything by way of critisms. A few typos, yet nothing to detract from the experience.

Wow another great read!

Yeah -- everybody who has told you that this feels like the beginnings of a much larger story are correct.  There is certainly much more to tell here should you choose to do so.

This script is a fine effort, but I’ll toss out a few technical points for the author:

*  The snoring we hear at the outset would be “O.S. SNORING”
*  Don’t tell us the dog’s name in the script.  Billy tells us soon enough.
*  "Mikey’s POV" would be in all caps, as its own slug -- but it is not necessary to use such a designation here anyway.  It’s enough to tell us that Mikey is looking through the window.

The title gives us a hint as to where this story is going, but it feels like we get there very naturally.  For a short, this doesn’t feel rushed at all.  You set the scene very well, and we can visualize the yard -- and even Wendy -- with ease.

Near the end, I am not sure the leaves and such alone are enough.  Why not use a little lighter fluid to help things along?  In fact, I kept expecting him to do that.

That's a nit-pick, though.  Good job.  I have no idea who wrote this one.

I'd say this felt more like the end of a much bigger story.

*Obviously Ray is the abusive and drunken stepfather, but was there more to it I wonder?  Because Mikey was naked and bleeding from the inside part of his thigh, so maybe there's sexual abuse going on?
*Mikey's decision definitely is a tough one, which why I feel this would best be suited at the end of a bigger story, because then the audience witnesses what the folks do to their children and it makes the decision more explicit.

Um...ok I was just about to say something else but my mind just went blank.  Overall a very nicely written piece.  Dark yet very powerful and moving.  Very nice work!

The writer of this script personally asked me to read it for him/her so I guess I have an edge on everyone, haha.

Anyway, this script was incredibly dark.  From the first scene to the last scence, this script just screams despair.  And it works very well.  This writer used descriptive subtext to his/her advantage and moved along very well, especially for a short.  I can see people viewing this as the ending of a bigger story, but I think this fits well on its own.  It lets the reader imagine what the circumstances are that caused Mikey to put his foot down and say enough is enough.

I can't really find a problem with this short.  It reads very well and doesn't seem to small or to long for its size.  I'm still wondering if the Harry Potter poster had a bigger influence on Mikey's actions (Goblet of Fire, etc.) or maybe I'm just reading into too much symbolism.

Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this screenplay and I am honored that the writer personally asked me to read it for him/her.  

I know once you all see who wrote it, you will say "Of course!"  

Great job.  

Quoted from guyjackson I can see people viewing this as the ending of a bigger story...

On the contrary -- I found this to be the very, very beginning of something larger.  I think what happens next would make for a very compelling story.

When all is said and done, and this challenge is swept behind us, this script will be one of the few that will stick in my mind.
I felt so bad for little man (Mikey).
I, too, see this as a small part of a much larger story.
I do have to agree with bert on the fire though. I don't think leaves would go up that quick without some help, and I don't think fire would reach the underbelly of a trailer without the underbelly being saturated with something flammable.
Nice touch with the mold on the trailer.  
As for who? I'm stumped on this one.

Nice job,
Cindy  

This one was a little bit on the depressing side.

I hate dramas and sad stuff.

Technically it was after the family BBQ, so I guess you followed the challenge, haha.

Nice effort though.

I have to agree that this one felt like a small part from a much larger whole.  Because of this I found it to be somewhat unsatisfying.  Stripped down this story is really bare-bones.  Boy flees abusive parents.  That's about it in a nutshell.  

I would have liked some sort of insight or turn in the story, something unexpected to happen for me to ponder on afterwards.

This author did make the most of this simple story though.  It was vivid in its descriptions and for a one week exercise, definitely a nice effort.

I do like this one. And as many have already said, it's a sad one indeed.

It was written very well with plenty of detail within the descriptions. I like this story as a short and I'm not sure if it would be better if there was more to it.

So a very good short from a very talented writer I feel, and I enjoyed reading this one even though it was quite sad. I'm not really sure who wrote this one and I don't think I could guess either...

GBM

As others have said, this feels a bit like a teaser for a larger film. It was very well written and would certainly hook a viewer into finding out where these boys end up since it didn't really end, did it?

As for what happened here, I could see that played out in flashbacks when Mikey is an adult and finally dealing with what happened so long ago. There's a lot of potential here. Here's a wild idea if you haven't considered a storyline: both Ray and Wendy survive the fire, though Mikey and Billy do find themselves growing up in foster care for many years. Mikey becomes a lawyer and ends up trying a case of a man murdering his wife. Big surprise, it's Ray who killed Wendy, and now it's up to Mikey, the public defender, to find him not guilty.

Anyway, I'm just musing. Good job here.

Hey, it reminds me a short script posted here telling a story about a girl that was raped by her stepfather. I don't remember who wrote it, but doesn't matter.

I think the writer here in this work should developed it more in order to improve more density on it. Maybe showing what happened during that day while Mikey prapares to run with Billy in quicks flashbacks (I'm just suggesting!) .

Okay I know the deadline was one week, but it could be a strong story if he spent time on it.

Anyway I like this one.

All right. This one is pretty good. You stuck to the theme and the genre. You did pretty good. There are a few instances where you lack subject-verb agreement. That in conjunction with some of the writing prompted me to think the author is young. Nonetheless, it’s a simple and effective dramatic piece.

Small things:

Mikey lays - lies. People themselves lie and they lay objects (unless of course, a person is laying another person on something). Same with: lay Ray - lies Ray.

Buckle belt - belt buckle is better.

Mikey quietly slip - slips

I big, dark red,… - A big…

Dry leaves and pine needles CRUNCHES - CRUNCH

How do we know Wendy sleeps off booze? Maybe give her a beer can or two or three laying around. Otherwise, what’s to keep viewers from assuming Ray is the drunk?

…dry fuel start to smoke - starts

Coals burns bright - burn

Also, format wise, put a fade in at the start and a fade out at the end. I hate fades myself but it’s standard practice and it allows the reader to know where the story ends. As it is, you have the story end abruptly and you have a page seven with a number but no text.

As far as the story itself and the storytelling, good job. No complaints.