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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Underwater Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 3rd, 2006, 6:21am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Underwater by Sean Elwood (thedeadwalk2nite) - Horror - A family and friends go out on a boat ride for some summer fun. But what they do not know is that there is something lurking underwater. Once they become stranded, they soon find out that something has been watching them, but without help and their yacht slowly sinking, their hopes begin going underwater along with their lives. 89 pages - rtf, format


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James McClung
Posted: September 6th, 2006, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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I left a partial review here earlier. I think it got lost while the discussion board was away but luckily I saved the notes.

Like I said before, I'll be breaking this review up into parts...

SPOILERS...

You can lose the disclaimer at the bottom of your title page. You've already put a copyright
notice on it. No need to elaborate. I think anyone interested in your script already knows how it
works.

Some page numbers might be useful.

I think you need a more exciting opening scene. You know, a "grabber." I remember the thread
you made for this sometime ago so I know this is a "shark movie." I'd actually discourage the
whole "lone-swimmer-being-devoured" scenario. Too cliche. But you could certainly use something to inform the audience of the shark's presence or simply a monster's presence. Perhaps some fisherman could pull up a half-eaten corpse in their catch. Then no one will know what the creature responsible is. Something along those lines. In any case, you need a “grabber.”

pg. 3 - "What the hell we're you thinkin', bitch?!" You mean "were"

How does Zack know exactly where to find his brother? Maybe have him say something like
"I've been looking all over for you." It seems weird that he would just guess correctly.

pg. 6 - Lose the FADE IN/FADE OUT. It's directing.

pg. 7 - Diane cooking sausages and scrambled eggs... in the living room? You mean
kitchen, right?

pg. 8 - You refer a character as Stacey one moment then the next, she's Heather. This
needs to be fixed.

pg. 14 – I would definitely, definitely lose Zack’s line at the top of the page. No 20 year old is going to use the phrase “spill my jizz” in front of his entire family. It’s awkward, unnecessary, completely unrealistic, and worst of all, it’s directed towards his own brother. That’s beyond vile. So yeah. Lose it. Seriously.

pg. 19 – I think Zack eavesdropping on Ethan and Natalie’s conversation would illicit a stronger reaction. I mean, if they’re nervous about telling their parents they’re getting married, I don’t think they’d want that information in the hands of someone who could tell them at any time he likes.

pg. 23 – How is the scuba diver able to bump the boat so hard? Fix this.

pg. 27 – “We’re going snorkeling out-outside.” Huh? You mean “outside.”

pg. 33 – Ethan has speech problems? News to me. In any case, you don’t need to say why he can’t “spit it out.” It’s pretty obvious already. I don’t think it’s easy to keep one’s cool when you’ve just seen a big friggin’ shark in the same water as your family and friends, not to mention you fiancé.

More soon...


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James McClung
Posted: September 7th, 2006, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS...

pg. 37 – Sharks don’t growl. They don’t make any noise at all. Fix this.

- Why hasn’t anyone called the coastguard? You know, so paramedics will be ready on sight? Someone should definitely do this.

pg. 39 – Some people might give you trouble about the shark jumping out of the water but I won’t. Great White sharks are actually the only sharks who are able to do that. However I don’t think it would be able to hang on to the ladder. Its weight would probably tear the ladder right off the boat instantly.

- A makeshift tourniquet would certainly help slow Zack’s bleeding. You don’t need a first aid kit. A belt would do just fine. You need something to this effect otherwise Zack’s a dead dog for sure.

- Okay, it’s no news that the shark got Zack’s leg. I don’t think you need so many people repeating it. It’s not necessary.

pg. 43 – Lose the flashbacks. We know what happened to Natalie and Zack.

- Seriously, someone needs to call the coastguard. There’s no reason for these guys to be stranded like this. Sure, the boat’s not going anywhere but these guys can be airlifted for sure. It’s not a big hole really. You can have whatever nasty fate you like fall upon the would-be rescuers but someone needs to contact them for sure. Sorry to repeat myself. Just trying to stress the importance of contacting someone on land. A bunch of people sitting on a wrecked boat sinking into shark infested waters in the middle of a storm just rings too false to me.

pg. 45 - Advil? On a shark ravaged limb? Nah. I don’t think that’s going to do much good. Lose this line for sure.

pg. 46 – “a full killing spree, killing and eating anything in its path.” Doesn’t sound like the words of an aspiring marine biologist to me. Just have him say the shark’s protective of its territory. We know what it’s really doing.

pg. 50 – Lose the oxygen tank on Zack’s leg. It may be unintentionally comical. If not, it still suggests that Zack isn’t going to make it through this trip.

pg. 50/51 – Zack’s the one who’s wounded. Why does it say they are carrying Ethan? Fix this.

pg. 85 – I don’t think Ethan would be able to swim very well with the oxygen tank. If it’s not mounted on its back, it’s a lot of bulk that would be difficult to keep control of. Just a thought.

Well, this was certainly an entertaining read, albeit unoriginal. The plot was simple but strong, the characters were relatively well developed, the dialogue sounded natural, and the kills were brutal. There didn't seem to be any particular reason why the shark was killing people but that I didn't mind. I hate new shark movies where they try to explain, scientifically, why the shark is acting so aggresive. I guess they have to show they're knowledgeable to give any reason for their existence. I think this was more old school in the sense that the shark killed without motive. I thought that was cool. Some may disagree but that's just what I thought.

What did bother me, almost to no end, was the fact that at any time, these guys could have radio'd for help. Maybe they wouldn't have gotten it but they didn't even attempt to better their situation. Not only did this make the characters look stupid but also fatalistic, which is arguably worse. Maybe they figured it was just easier to sit around and wait for help. I really hope you decide to fix this. It somewhat prevented me from enjoying your script as much as I could have.

I enjoyed the third act the best just because you started throwing curveballs nonstop. I mean everything bad that could happen did. First Natalie, which caught me enough off guard alone, then Heather, then Ethan getting shredded by the very people who were there to save him. Now that's tragic irony. And the shark got away. When has that ever happened before? And a baby too? I think if you had gone the more conventional route, you could have ended with just the baby but you had both. I mean wow! I think these twists helped make the story your own, which is a good thing, and helped me enjoy the story a lot more than I think I could have, with the characters not radioing for help and such.

Anyway, I think this needs some work but you have a strong base already. I also got the sense that you really enjoyed writing this and it didn't feel weighed down by any sense of artistic purpose or obligation to break new grounds (which you did anyway, intentionally or not). I thought that was a good thing as well. Sometimes, you just want to be entertained and nothing more.

All in all, I really enjoyed this. Good job, Sean.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: September 7th, 2006, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for reading, James. I was afraid of any comments anybody was going to leave me because even I thought this one wasn't going to be my best. But you left a lot of constructive critizism and I appreciate that.

The reason why I didn't have a "grabber" at the beginning was because that's too cliché for a shark movie. I wanted to be different. Yet, most of my script had a lot of cliché parts in it, but what the hell! Hehe.

Zack had probably seen Natalie and Ethan on the dock. I don't know (and the audience doesn't know either) so Zack probably searched through the carnival before seeing them on the dock. Yet, I guess I could clear it up by saying "I've been looking for you."

I thought I was allowed to use FADE IN/FADE OUT... :/

Sorry for the mistakes (i.e., Stacey instead of Heather (Stacey was her original name, but I changed it), scrambled eggs and sausage in the living room, etc.).

The scuba diver can also be a body builder? Heh, intended it to be a small bump...I think. Also, the out-outside part, I originally had it to where I showed Ethan speaking with speach problems (Example: I'm g-g-going out-outside, okay?) but Jordan (theboywhocouldfly) taught me not to do that and that it would save me time (which it did! Thanks Jordan!)

I just added it as an effect...The shark in Deep Blue Sea growled, in Jaws 2, Jaws roared! I cracked up at that part. Jaws also roared in Jaws: The Revenge.

Okay, I read and knew that you hated me for not having the characters call for a coast guard, but do yachts usually have radios on them? I never heard of that...correct me if I'm mistakened...

Mako Sharks are also able to jump out of the water. The shark wasn't actually lying on top of the ladder if that is what you're talking about it. It was chewing on it because it had barely missed Kyle as he was climbing up the ladder. Then it tore it off once it found out it was tasting something it didn't want to eat.

The flashbacks are just quick ones that race by, quick enough for people to understand what they are about. No worries, right? Heh...

Haha yeah Advil ain't gonna work, huh? Had a back ache from the way I was sleeping one night, took an Advil, and it only worked for about five minutes...Ouchies.

I didn't want the oxygen tank landing on Zack's leg to be comical, but to have people going "Oooh! Ouch!" if it were actually filmed.

Some oxygen tanks (I think) are connected to shoulder straps. It could have been one of those (if there are such things) and he could have put it on easily. If there are such equipment, then I need to add that in there.

Well, I'm glad I got dialogue and character development right in this one (or at least in your opinion) and that makes me happy. Once again, do they usually have radios on yachts? I'm sure they do if you want to install one in (if you're able to) but they probably didn't. Haha yay! Twists that actually work! That makes me even more happy! But, yet again, I'm terribly sorry my characters are idiots! Radio this! Radio that! Maybe I should just include a radio in all of my scripts, just in case they get stranded with a shark surrounding them...

Thank you so much for your review. I'm glad you liked it.

Sean


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wildgrace
Posted: September 10th, 2006, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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CHARACTERS:  They have the basic foundation of who they are and old they are.  A good start.  But, I wish they arrived with a bit more of a backstory or had some issues to overcome.  Ethan seems to be the only one with his stuttering.  Sometimes I get hints that there might be more, but its not clear to me what they are.  

My suggestion would be to up the conflict between the cast of characters.  They don't get along, they don't like each other, and they are forced to go out on the boat that day.  So as the day wears on they are forced to work together and learn to respect each person and their talents.  Basically to survive they need a talent each character possesses.  Have mom and dad be on the verge of a divorce, so they can rediscover their love during the horrible day.  Maybe they are not a biological family, but a foster family, so they all have trust and attachment issues?

For instance, have everyone make fun of Zack and his interest in marine biology.  Have everybody ignore him when he starts his own marine biology routine.  And then have him be resentful and angry when they first ask for his help and his knowledge because they made fun of him in the past.  I'd also have someone point out that having knowledge didn't save Zack from being bit.  He might pipe up that he'd be dead except he wham the shark on the nose, something that he knew would dissuade the shark from attacking.

PLOT/STORY:  For the most part everything makes sense from one moment to the next.  There's a nice escalation in the seriousness of the characters situation from beginning to end.  I think you could cut the opening scene and just start the script on the ferris wheel with Ethan proposing to Natalie.  

The real issue I have with the story is why they go out in the boat, why they go out diving when they know and are aware of the shark attacks.  The attacks would have been the talk of the town.

DIALOGUE:  The dialog isn't on the nose, but it doesn't quite sound genuine either.  It comes across for me as stilted, almost forced.  The kids talk like older adults, I think they would sound more genuine if they talked like teenagers and urban youth.

SCENE DESCRIPTION/STRUCTURE:  Good, visual writing style.  Might be a little overwritten, since it reminds me of a novel, but it works.

QUALITY OF WRITING:  Good, I can clearly see the action going on in my head.  

OVERALL IMPRESSION:   Interesting story, like the ending.  I'd increase the conflict between the characters to add depth to the story.  A rewrite will fix this.  

THOUGHTS THAT PASSED THROUGH MY HEAD DURING FIRST READ

Ethan has speech problems – what type? (I think it's stuttering from later in the script, make this clear from the first scene.  Random thought:  Have Ethan stutter when he proposes, he'd be quite nervous I think.)

If Natalie is going to college she doesn't need her parents permission to go out for a day.

There's a shark on the loose, a man missing a leg and a foot have been found and it appears Kyle isn't worried about scuba diving and the parents don't reconsider that maybe today is not a good day for to go out on the boat?  I would suggest finding a way to make them going out on the boat believable with all that's going on.

I'm confused why would Heather consider this all her fault.  Might want to better set-up this moment.

Random Thought, if Ethan's parents like Natalie why would they keep their engagement secret?  It might be more interesting if Ethan's parents hate Natalie and Ethan sneaks her unto the boat. That would add conflict to the story as a whole and a bit of irony because that bit of rebellion could wind up killing Natalie.  

Hit it in its nose (on the nose?)

Nice ending.


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