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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Lullaby Moderators: bert
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  Author    Lullaby  (currently 1825 views)
Don
Posted: September 5th, 2006, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lullaby by Michael SK Booker (boomer84) - Horror - Evan Westwood's normal life takes an erie turn when his boyfriend, Adam, unexpectedly vanishes, leaving behind no trace. He is aided by a mysterious woman named Shannon, who has an unusual affinity to the supernatural and holds uncanny knowledge about Adam's disapperance and the distubing circumstances surrounding it. Evan must rush to find Adam before it is too late and battle the horrifying and unbelievable forces that are attacking his sanity.  98 pages - doc, format


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dogglebe
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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As soon as I started reading this script, Mike, I noticed bad problems with your formatting.  When descripbing things, you're supposed to describe them in ways that the camera can record them.  Your script is filled with telling us how things are instead of showing it.  An example of this (from page one) is:

"EVAN WESTWOOD, 23, tall, handsome, sensitive and intelligent, but also slightly withdrawn and seemingly emotionally unreceptive at times, stands rigid in an elevator. "

How are we supposed to figure all this out by watching him stand in an elevator?  If the camera can't record it, you don't write it.

You use the word 'we' a lot in describing things.  Don't!  We are not there.  The characters are there.  Instead of writing, 'we see Joe pour a cup of coffee,' you should write, 'Joe pours a cup of coffee.'

You use a lot of camera angels, which is a Bozo no-no in writing spec scripts.  Unless you really really really need a specific camera angle, don't include them in the script.  Should the script be produced, the director will decide all the camera angles.

I thought the premise of this story to be a good one and pretty original (from what I read).  Using homosexuals as the main characters is not done much and I thought that Evan and Adam were done realistically.  I don't know if you are gay, yourself (it doesn't matter), or if you worked from other sources.  I probably would've stopped reading right away if I thought I was going to be reading flaming characters running around.  The 'seduction scene at the beginning was tastefully and realistically done.

A big problem I had with the story is that everything dragged.  After twenty-five pages (where I stopped), I should know everything that is going on in the story.  Actually, I should know this by page ten or fifteen.

Tightened everything up and correct the formatting problems and things should be fine.


Phil
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