Milo by Mike Jones (mgj) - Anime - A down-on-his-luck freelance musician mouse (Milo) finds himself at the end of his rope after spoiling his one shot at making it to the big time.  After a chance run-in with his arch-rival, the infamous Johnny rat who has his own sights set on making it, Milo is drawn back into the cutthroat music scene.  The stage is set.  Will Milo ride destiny to fame?  Or will Johnny and his fellow rat-followers foil his one chance to become the big star he always knew he could be?  93 pages - doc, format

I'm not a fan of Anime. I've nothing against it. It's just not something I'm drawn to. That said, I'm glad I stepped outside my usual interests and took a look at your script. I enjoyed it, throughly. It was a great read!

Still, I have a few comments...

pg. 13 "withdraws" should be brandishes, or something similar. Same prob on pg. 75

pg. 23  "BASSIST PLAYER"  is redundant. Either Bassist or Bass Player.

Pg. 52  This is a matter of opinion. For the most part, I like your style. It is, though, a tad wordy. For example, you wrote:  

"She uncrumples the sheet, studying it keenly now as she makes her way out into the main living area."

Again, just my opinion, but I think it would read better if a few, unnecessary words were cut.... She uncrumples the sheet, studying it, as she makes her way into the main living area.    

Pg. 58  He gyrates about, strumming away when Angel promptly cuts short his performance as she grabs a handful of whiskers and draws the rat up close to her.

The above, I think, would have a more dramatic effect if you didn't tell what Angle does, and the effect that it has, before she does it.

Pg. 69 Angle is able to retrieve Milo's guitar.....seemed a tad convient.

Pg. 70 I think it would be more effective if Angle's desire to be a musian was, at least, hinted at, eariler, in the script. You don't want to give it away, but a hint, something subtle. Otherwise it comes off as too convient.

Pg. 86 "Angel sits alone at the edge of the pier, staring out at the moon as a million thoughts race through her little mind."

I don't know if you're a regular on this board, but many will tell you that you shouldn't describe thoughts or feelings that can't be seen on screen. This is, generally, good advice. I, though, think, if used sparingly, it's okay. Even so, you might want to look through your script and ask yourself if such descriptives are really necessary to the story. If not, it might be best to cut 'em.

Moving on: I was a bit confused at the end of the story. It may be that I missed something. In any casy, I was surprised that Angle and Milo were separated at the end.  When did they part?

Seth

Thanks for your review Seth.  I know it's pretty quiet over here in animation.  

I did try to hint at Angel being a musician earlier on when she uncrumpled the music sheet and started reading it on her own.  At least that was my intention anyway.  Your point is well taken though.

Your point is also well taken about me being too wordy.  I guess this is an ongoing debate here, about how much is too much.  Personally I think a writer's personality should shine through in their work.  I agree though that I do go a little overboard at times.  Actually, you should see some of my earlier stuff.  I am getting better.

I guess it was convenient that she found his guitar.  I'm not sure how else to work it though.  If she wasn't able to find it then Milo never would have taken to the stage and won back the crowd.

I understand about your confusion with them being separated at the end.  Actually,  they never were officially an item at that point.  There may be a scene or two missing that could clarify this better.  Thanks for pointing it out.

And thanks again for your review.

Quoted from mgj Thanks for your review Seth.  I know it's pretty quiet over here in animation.   I did try to hint at Angel being a musician earlier on when she uncrumpled the music sheet and started reading it on her own.  At least that was my intention anyway.  Your point is well taken though.

Yep. Now I remember!

Quoted from mgj Your point is also well taken about me being too wordy.  I guess this is an ongoing debate here, about how much is too much.  Personally I think a writer's personality should shine through in their work.  I agree though that I do go a little overboard at times.  Actually, you should see some of my earlier stuff.  I am getting better.

I didn't think that you wrote too much. Like I said, I like your style. I just thought that there were, maybe, a few words, here and there, that could be removed without effecting the story or tone of the story. Actually, I prefer a more "wordy" script.  

Quoted from mgj I guess it was convenient that she found his guitar.  I'm not sure how else to work it though.  If she wasn't able to find it then Milo never would have taken to the stage and won back the crowd.

Yep, she definitely has to get her hands on the guitar. It's pivotal to the story. That said, I wonder if a scene -- after Milo's horrific performance -- could be added, with the rats gloating, strumming on Milo's real guitar. Angel could see this, realize what's happened, then, being the feisty mouse she is, wrestle it away from them.

This, I think, would be more dramatic  than the rats simply nodding their compliance.

Hope you don't mind my giving a suggestion. You're a better story teller than I am, so take it with a grain of salt.

Quoted from mgj I understand about your confusion with them being separated at the end.  Actually,  they never were officially an item at that point.  There may be a scene or two missing that could clarify this better.  Thanks for pointing it out. And thanks again for your review.

Thanks for great read.

Seth

Hey Seth.

That's definitely a valid suggestion to have Angel wrestle back Milo's guitar from the rats.  I think the reason I didn't write it in this way was because she already wrestled the guitar away from them once before so I didn't want to end up creating a duplicate scene.  She should probably have to jump through a few more hoops though.  I'll think about it.

I'm glad you brought up the point that Angel's desire to be a musician should be hinted at earlier.  For some reason I'm always afraid I'll telegraph things too obviously and I wind up holding back.  I think your initial reaction to this is very telling to me and probably accurate.

It's always good to get a fresh perspective so thanks again.

-Mike

Hey MGJ. I'm checking out another one of your scripts.

You know this is like the fourth script of yours I have read in the past six months. In that time I am about one third of the way through my script and the up hill battle to finish it is getting steeper with each page.

Do you have a stock pile of scripts or are you a very fast writer?

Anywho, I am enjoying this script. So far I have read 40 pages. It is a sweet little story.

The personality dynamics between the two main characters: Milo and Angel are very good. makes for an enjoyable read.

the timid quiet dreamer and the fiesty in your face survivor. Dynamic personality I find very important in a script, give it flavour and cause conflict.

Full mope-mode. That's so cool. Good description.

The sax playing beetle amd Milo seemed like a rehash, rip off form the episode of the Simpsons where Lisa meets Bleeding gums.

The chase scene involing the cat in the teahosue brought back great childhood memories for me of the Tom & Jerry cartoon. The last time I saw an episode of that cartoon must have been 15 years ago.

I love the tiny details such as the hobo stick and the cocktail umbrella to protect the mice from the rain. nice touch.

So in the first 40 pages you have established Milo with a dream and ambitions to be a professinal entertainer and you have the mosue town over run by bad arse rats. I will keep reading to see how it all pans out for Milo our little mouse hero.

will post a second review when I finsh the script.  

Hey Tonka.  Don't worry, I know I owe you a read or two.

I'm not quite that fast.  The False Road is one I dug out of the pile.

I guess the blind street musician beetle does resemble Bleeding Gums.  I think the old jazz man persona has been around for a while though.

You're right about the chase scene being an homage to Tom and Jerry.  Good on you for pointing that out.  You must be over 30.  Personally that's all I watched growing up.  That and Merry Melodies of course.

The real inspiration for this came from an old cartoon I once saw called The Devil and Daniel Mouse.  It was, of course, based on Benet's short story but it centered around these two struggling folk singer mice.  One of them makes a deal with the devil and finds fame and fortune at the cost of her soul.  Different story but the characters left a warm impression on me.

Okay I am now reading the second half of your story. I will type as I read.

So the conflict towards the rats/mice Johnny/Milo is escalating. The story slows down a bit in the middle. But that's okay because it is clear that the plot is working overtime setting everything up for a show down.

I like the scene where a human is complaining about the carnival becoming over run with rats and sweep at them with broom. First reaction from me is uh-oh, I wonder if the ending will involve animal soceity swept into chaos when human call in pest control to start an attack on rat. That is how I see it as foreshadowing but thena again I have an over active imagination. Will have to keep reading to see what happens.

I really dig the whole burnt out muscian angle you got going with Milo. very nice and makes his character all the more interesting,

Good to see the scene where the two rats assualt Milo and Angel and do the guitar switch. Straight off you can tell this is going to cause our hero grief. Keep chucking those spanners into the works with your story. very important as it creates solid drama and excitement. Don't be afraid to kick the hero of your story and than kick him some more while he is down.

Bingo a perfect climax for this story.  Guitar duel! Human gas bomb! A final struggle between Johnny and Milo. Your third act is very good. I'm glad you had the extermination just I had guessed from the foeshadowing. Your little hint got my mind working and hoping and then you delivered. My only small complaint is that your ending should of been more explosive, more action, more frantic.

But all in all a very entertaining story. The plot was very good and this time it was solid and on track all the way through. I went back and looked at review I did for you other anime (charge of the rodents) and noticed I comment on how the story was solid but fell apart by act 3 and the ending felt tacked on.

Well this story has no plot faults that i can see and is tight.

maybe you could just raise the action and mayhem a wee bit more.

Thank you for sharing your script. look forward to more.  

I did wonder about upping the tension a little at the end.  My uncertainty may have caused me to hold back a bit.  It may be out of character for Milo to turn into some sort of action hero all of a sudden but I'm sure that's not what you were suggesting.   Maybe if he used his cunning somehow.  I trust your judgement so I'll definitely think about expanding on it or reworking it somehow.

I did focus more on the overall storyline this time around.  Glad you noticed.

Thanks for your review.

hehe Milo the action hero.

no that's not what I am suggesting. more of a pacing issue. I'm not sure if you are an animation fan but I highly recommed you get your hands on some Hayo Miyazaki films. His stuff is amazing. The films start out gentle and slow and snow ball  to a big blow out hectic action packed climax. Great stuff.  The movies worth looking at are Kiki's Delivery Service. My Neighbour Totoro, Spirited Away & Howl's moving castle.

Your local rental video store should have them.

What I usually do to help hone my writing craft is read a "how to write a script book" than go watch my DVD's and study the plot, pacing, theme etc etc etc. I am still trying to get my head around raising the stakes. That's a tough one that I find difficult.

I've just discovered Miyazaki recently.  Spirited Away is a great film in alot of ways.  The attention to detail in particular is impressive.  I haven't seen the others yet.  I just might have to put them on my 'to see' list.

Just so you know I'm reading...

Normally, I'd be inclined to read The False Road seeing as I'm much more familiar with the Thriller genre but for once, I decided to try something completely new with Anime (the only genre I haven't read thus far). So far, I'm enjoying this very much. It's interesting and refreshing to see human personalities in animals and to read something that's not so grounded in the logical world.

Anyway, a few notes to hold you over...

pg. 10 – “...grumbles an epitaph...” Am I to under Milo utters a series of words to be etched on his tombstone? Not a big deal but this phrase just seemed particularly odd to me. Personally, I’d rephrase it.

pg. 12 – “Milo quickly finds himself doing a little soul searching.” Lose this line all together. It can’t be seen on screen.

- It seems like Angel has more street smarts than Milo. I’d think she’d know what a mousetrap is. That’s the impression I got anyway. Maybe if Angel knew it was a trap and made an attempt to grab the cheese anyway, thereby springing the trap, and, perhaps, being subsequently saved by Milo. Or not. Just a thought.

- I think its odd that Milo is giving up his dreams at the beginning of the script. Usually, it isn’t until midway through stories of this nature when characters begin to lose hope. I think it works much better this way. In your first act, you’re trying to introduce your characters and here, you’re having your character go through a drastic change before we really get to know him. I strongly suggest you change this.

More later...

Thanks for your review so far James.  For some reason I thought epitaph referred to a swear or curse word.  I guess that would be confusing.  He definitely was not uttering words to be etched onto a tombstone.  I checked the dictionary and it appears the word I wanted was epithet.

You make a good point that Angel should know what a mouse trap is.  As well, your suggestion to have her spring the trap on her own, with Milo subsequently coming to her aid, makes some sense.  I'll definitely think about it.

I'm gonna have to disagree with you that I shouldn't open with Milo already down on his luck, ready to give up on his dreams.  Actually, I think that by seeing him struggle, it reveals a great deal about who he is and his character.  Plus I like the idea of jumping right into things.

Actually, he only thinks he's reached the bottom of the barrel.  He still has a little further to fall before he can pick himself up and realize his dreams.  I'll be interested to know if you still feel the same way after finishing the script and seeing how everything plays out.  Either way though you brought up a point I hadn't considered so thanks for that.  It's always good to get a different perspective and have things to mull over.

-Mike

Well, I'm finally done...

pg. 31 - Angel is spelled Angle. Fix this.

- It takes too long for Milo to find out he's being talked about. This and the Johnny Rat encounter should take place earlier in the story.

pg. 69 - "You're guitar..." You mean "your."

- I think Milo changes his spirits too quickly. Angel reveals that she herself is a musician but doesn't say much to inspire him. I think this conversation needs something more.

- There doesn't seem to be anything leading up to Milo marrying Angel. Not much is revealed about her character until the end. One can only assume they'll end up together. There's not much logic there.

- I'd lose the DISSOLVES. Not saying this because it's frowned upon in script writing, I'm saying it because I don't think it'd look right animated.

I think the story is solid but starts a bit too late and escalates a bit too quickly. I think if the Johnny Rat encounter happened earlier, you'd have the time to need to fill the second and third act with more interesting stuff.

Aside from the story, I mean you could use some more character development as well. Milo's character has a good basis but I'd say he's too inconsistent. I understand you'd like him to start down on his luck but he swings too much between that and being excited. Also, I think this "follow your heart" stuff needs more of an explanation. Maybe if you had some stuff on how Milo got into the music business, there'd be more of an understanding on why he is so passionate about music. I think Angel needs a lot more development as well. There's barely anything revealed about her throughout the story. I think if her and Milo took some more time to explore her past, the ending would make more sense as well. I'd say Lou should be greater developed as well. Otherwise, lose him. He seems too much like subterfuge at this point.

All in all, I think your story is fresh, entertaining, and has a good basis but there's a lot you can do at this point to make it stronger. Good job and good luck with any rewriting you might decide to do.

Thanks James.  I do plan to revist this one eventually.  From what I can gather, it seems the characters could be fleshed out a little more for you.  I think certain aspects of their personalities are well-defined but there may be gaps here that need filling in.  I think that may be what you were having trouble with.

Quoted from James McClung - I think Milo changes his spirits too quickly. Angel reveals that she herself is a musician but doesn't say much to inspire him. I think this conversation needs something more.

That was a pretty big turning point so I can see what you mean.  

Quoted from James McClung Milo's character has a good basis but I'd say he's too inconsistent. I understand you'd like him to start down on his luck but he swings too much between that and being excited.

Hmm - I guess Milo could be bi-polar.  I'm not dismising your point.  When you're passionate about something, as Milo is, it's easy to get discouraged.  That's the whole thing with him - he gets down and then he picks himself up.  Maybe, as you say, some more background info on how he got into the music business might be helpful here.  Maybe this would complete the puzzle, make more sense of his actions.

This goes for Angel too.  I'll try to give her more of a backstory.  I did attempt for this somewhat initially but it became a bit tricky as I had to make sure to conceal her musical ambitions.


Thanks again.