SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 5:06am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Whimsical Tale from The Life of the ... Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 26 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    A Whimsical Tale from The Life of the ...  (currently 1007 views)
Don
Posted: September 17th, 2006, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
A Whimsical Tale from The Life of the Unfortunate Francis Leary by T. J. Hundtofte - Short - A loyal employee has the worst day of his life when he struggles to come in to work on time, on his sick-day. 10 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Death Monkey
Posted: September 17th, 2006, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Viet-goddamn-nam is what happened to me!

Location
The All Spin Zone
Posts
983
Posts Per Day
0.15
Thanks for hosting this, my first short. In fact it's the first thing I've ever finished. I really wanted to have something done, since I have a nasty habit of leaving half-finished feature scripts lying around.

I was inspired by an opening of an Office episode, but that's as far as my plagiarism goes...


"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."

The Mute (short)
The Pool (short)
Tall Tales (short)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 10
Death Monkey
Posted: September 19th, 2006, 12:04am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Viet-goddamn-nam is what happened to me!

Location
The All Spin Zone
Posts
983
Posts Per Day
0.15
Oh and any feedback would be much appreciated!


"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."

The Mute (short)
The Pool (short)
Tall Tales (short)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 10
Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 21st, 2006, 9:12am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
1979
Posts Per Day
0.31
SPOILERS!

Hey. Here's my end of the bargain, Mr. Death Monkey. I enjoyed the story. This is a few rare ones that I laugh at while reading. poor guy.  All those terrible things happening to him. I think you should make this a short and comedy genre.

I had a slight problem understand the grocery store scene when he leaves a ten dollar bill on the counter and then leaves. Would they not notice the money on the counter already? I know he was screaming it while he was running away but...?

What was going on in that scene with the mustache guy on the train payphone? Lol. I would really like to know. How did he arrive to that conclusion of robbing the protagonist?

All in all, a very funny story. I liked it. Oh, I am the same way with writing. I sometimes leave it unfinished for a long time. Congrats on completing one and hope more are too come.

Gabriel.

  


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 10
Death Monkey
Posted: September 21st, 2006, 9:54am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Viet-goddamn-nam is what happened to me!

Location
The All Spin Zone
Posts
983
Posts Per Day
0.15
Thanks for the review, Gabriel.

You bring up a few points that I was wondering whether came through clear enough, especially the scene in the 7-Eleven. What I wanted to convey was that he's back in the line, and leaves the bill on a display case too far away from the register and Clerk. He leaves it there because he doesn't have time to wait in line, and really only does so, because he doesn't want to steal. He's too conscientious.

The moustache guy was based on an anecdote a guy once told me, where a man was so annoyed by someone that decided to rob him. I just thought it'd be fun to have this guy who's all up in arms and self-rightious, frivolously decide to rob him.


"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."

The Mute (short)
The Pool (short)
Tall Tales (short)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 10
Helio
Posted: September 21st, 2006, 10:09am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

Posts
1284
Posts Per Day
0.19
Amusing and well done story, Jacob. I love this type of characters. I hope you to continue with your features and of course with your short stories.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 10
Shelton
Posted: September 21st, 2006, 10:35am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Chicago
Posts
3292
Posts Per Day
0.49
This was a pretty enjoyable script.  I usually get a kick out of the bad things continually happening to people type scripts, and this one was no different.  Just a really bad day for an unfortunate soul.

I do think, however, that this could have been extended just a little bit more.  Anybody who knows anything about candy knows that a Zagnut is peanut butter and coconut, and doesn't contain a lick of chocolate, which is really what Francis is craving.  Maybe have him go off on a rant explaining this.  Could be funny.

Anyway, a good read.  Nice work.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 6 - 10
Death Monkey
Posted: September 21st, 2006, 11:08am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Viet-goddamn-nam is what happened to me!

Location
The All Spin Zone
Posts
983
Posts Per Day
0.15
Helio---> Thanks for the read, much apppreciated!

Oh, by the way I've noticed you address me Jacob twice now, and I've wondered where you got that from? My middle name is indeed Jacob, I'm not sure I listed that anywhere? I don't mind at all, I'm just curious!

Mike---> I actually had Francis snicker manically and tell the clerk he was allergic to nuts in an earlier draft, but I really wanted to cut off with just this one punchline by the frightened cashier. I usually have a problem of dragging a joke on for too long, so this really took self-restraint!

Thanks for your thoughts!


"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."

The Mute (short)
The Pool (short)
Tall Tales (short)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 10
acorristine
Posted: September 25th, 2006, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
7
Posts Per Day
0.00
hi there. this was good but he didnt have that bad a day. I have days like that all the time. maybe exagerrate it a bit.

well done tho
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 10
Seth
Posted: April 9th, 2007, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Twin Ciites
Posts
301
Posts Per Day
0.05
Death Monkey,

This is an entertaining tale. That said, I enjoyed it. As for the 7-11 scene (I know another commented on it) -- It might work better if when Francis sets the ten down, another, less than honest patron, surreptitiously picked it up.

As for the ending, I thought it came a page late. By that, I mean, it could've ended with Francis' boss telling him the reason he needed him to be there -- to find the staplers. I'm terrible with endings, though, so take my comments with a grain of salt.

Seth    


Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 10
Death Monkey
Posted: April 9th, 2007, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Viet-goddamn-nam is what happened to me!

Location
The All Spin Zone
Posts
983
Posts Per Day
0.15
Wow, thanks for digging this one out, Seth. This was the first thing I ever wrote (there are huge intervals between my output) and was very much a an exercise in getting a story done (at the time I had begun work on 5-6 features).

Looking back I think there are stuff that could've been cut, and other things should be better explained, like you mentioned with the 7-11 scene. But I had fun writing it, just going with the flow, seeing where I'd end up.

I did think about cutting off with the boss, but I just really wanted Francis to let off some steam, get his aggressions out, and thought it'd be fun if he'd project it to a completely innocent clerk because of a trivial thing like a candy bar.

Anyways, thanks for reading. This is an odd revisiting for me.

By the way, I'll be sure to check you claymation story out when I get a chance, which probably won't be until wednesday though.


"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."

The Mute (short)
The Pool (short)
Tall Tales (short)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 10
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006