Ring of Fire by Jordan Wiebe (theboywhocouldfly) - Short - A young man find his girlfriend dead.  With the help of a detective they try to piece together what happened. 11 pages - pdf, format

Hey Jordan,

Haven't read anything from you in awhile, so I figured I'd give this one a look.  

If I remember right, you use Final Draft.  You should start editing those title pages, maybe fill in the actual title and what not, and get rid of the other stuff.  Also, I'm not sure if you can or not, but if FD allows it you should remove the continueds from the dialogue.

A couple observations.  How does Oscar know that Mac met his wife in High School?  I didn't get a sense that they knew each other prior to this.

When I read the logline, I was worried that this was going to end up being a script where it ends up feeling like a small piece of a much larger puzzle, but then I started reading and I didn't feel that way, at least not until the very end.  Not sure what it is, but the way that it ended felt like there should have been something just a bit more there.  Who knows, maybe it's just effective writing where you leave the reader wanting more.

Anyway, this worked out alright.  Like I said it could probably use a little bit of an extension, and another round of proofing to catch soem typos or missed question marks, but I'd say it's quite good for an early draft.

Thanks for the read mike.  Yeah, I forgot to do a title page, I do that sometimes

Quoted from Shelton A couple observations.  How does Oscar know that Mac met his wife in High School?  I didn't get a sense that they knew each other prior to this.

No, Oscar didn't know Mac met his wife in high school, I just took another look and I may have worded it wrong, or at least I should have put a question mark instead on a period, that will probably fix that up.

I wanted to end this abruptly, and not really knowing Oscar's fate, I thought that worked better.

anyways, thanks for the comments

Alright, Jordan,

First a few spelling mistakes, not a lot but who cares about them right? I make five times more myself.

And yeah, you forgot the question mark on that phrase about Mac his wife.


Now has for the story, it has a nice tempo, that you keep the whole way, I was totally inside the story. Really well told has usual, as for the dialog, Jordan, I love the way you write your dialogs, really! But you already know that!

Mac story about his past, you can actually cut it out, it's more like a filler, keep it about the crime.

I also liked how you played the viewer, by not revieuwing everything, the story unfiels by the flashbacks, and not everything is like in the beginning, I would play with that a little more.

The ending is good that way. Rather open, but I like it.

Great stuff as always Jordan!

Bring on more mate! Been a while since I read something from you, was missing it!

take care,

Pedro

You need to work on character development here, Jordan.  After reading this, I completely forgot it.  The characters are two dimensional.  I don't know if I'm supposed to feel good or bad for the guy.

SPOILER

Let me see if I have this right?  After he confesses to everything, he and the cop talk about getting a lawyer?  That's a little backwards there.

And what was with Mac's trip down memory lane?  Why not have him tell Oscar a cooking recipe or something?


Phil

Thanks for the read you two.  I may have made the characters a little flat in a way, I even kind of meant Oscar to be a little flat, maybe not TOO much, I could have gone a little further with him.

SPOILER

The speech with mac about his wife was a way for him to screw with Oscar, he knows what' what, and wants to mess around with him, try and open him up in a way, at least that's what I was hoping for.

With the end and the confession, I know it's supposed to go the other way around, but I decided against that this time, I felt he knew what he did and wanted to get it out, then after realizing he knows that the right course of action would be to get a lawyer.

Thanks again for the reads.

Hey, Jordan.  I love the song you’ve referenced, and was happy when the title card let me know that the title was no accident.  Did you know that the definitive version is actually by a band called Wall of Voodoo, and not the late, great Mr. Cash?  You should check it out sometime.

Anyway, I digress.  First off, I would lose all those (CONT’D).  I seem to recall discussing this with you before.  It’s just clutter, man.  We know who’s talking.  And what the hell is a FLSHBK?  I mean, I know what it is, but that ain’t how you do it.  And there are a bunch of spots where you need a question mark and don’t use one.  Maybe five or six times, at least.  Go look for those.

You have Oscar crush out his cigarette after, like, 10 seconds.  One, maybe two drags.  Then he lights another?  Why do that?  Just have him keep smoking the same one.

You say Shannon has the face of an angle haha.  You mean angel.  That crap drove me crazy while working on “Farm”.  I will never again use a character named Angel.

Do they still call it “trim”?  Maybe up there in Canada.  I haven’t heard that one in years and years.

The final twist with Isaac kind of comes out of nowhere.  I think this story needs some subtle clues along the way so that this final revelation makes sense.  You set up Oscar and Shannon as something special, then give us about a minute or two with Isaac, his pal -- and then you pull the rug out from under all of these characters.

Granted this is a short, with minimal space for development, but in this final scene, all three characters -- Oscar, Shannon, and Isaac -- go against the character you have established for them.

So, you’ve got a good start here, Jordan, but I agree with the guys telling you that it needs to be longer. This story will not work like it should unless we get to spend a little more time with all three of these characters -- so that this final revelation makes sense within the context of the story -- and so that we care about them one way or the other when the shit hits the fan.  Right now things are feeling rushed.

Thanks for the read Bert,

Quoted from bert Hey, Jordan.  I love the song you’ve referenced, and was happy when the title card let me know that the title was no accident.  Did you know that the definitive version is actually by a band called Wall of Voodoo, and not the late, great Mr. Cash?  You should check it out sometime.

yeah I have that song downloaded, I like Cash's version a lot more though,

I know the script seems kinda rushed, I kinda wanted the story to have that feeling, maybe that was a mistake on my part.  I probably should make it a few pages longer, flesh it out a bit more.

I had Oscar only take a few drags then ash out cause I know a few people who are like that when they are stressed out, so I just borrowed from that.

Thanks again for the read.

This was quite a decent read but I think this same story has potential to make a much better script. My main “problem” was the ending; it’s a little bit predictable.

*SPOILERS*

Once the audience know there are two bodies (girlfriend and best friend), it’s not hard to do the math and guess what happened.

It’s pointless to advice you to change the ending, since *this* is the story you wanted to tell. But if you tweak a bit the execution, I believe you could turn this ending into something more unexpected.

A possible solution is hinted within the script: Oscar said he came back at four thirty but Mac noticed he was supposed to come back at two. Mac caught his lie. You could push this idea a little more.

What if Oscar tries to hide what he did and comes up with a fake but believable story? He could fool Mac (and the audience as well), but Mac notices some details (like the time difference mentioned above) which makes him discover the truth. And the audience discovers the truth along with him.

Just a crazy idea that crossed my head while writing this, which is not very bright, but that will serve to explain my point: Oscar tells Mac that Shannon was dating Isaac. Oscar was banging her as well; he was the one betraying his friend. When Isaacs finds out, he kills Shannon and then tries to kill Oscar. But Oscar kills him in self defence. That’s Oscars’ fake story, he strongly sustains his version and says he doesn’t even need a lawyer.

But his story has some flaws (which you subtlety planted) and the audience didn’t perceived, but Mac did. So, exploiting those flaws in Oscars’ tale, he concludes that (twist) Oscar was the one dating Shannon, and that Oscar was the jealous murderer that killed both, not in self defence. Mac tells Oscar his version. Oscar is speechless… and now wants a lawyer. Fade Out.

Of course, this is just a random example, but my point is: try to fool the audience, make your ending more surprising (by planting an initial fake story like I suggested or by whatever means you come up with).

Hope this helps.

Hey Jordan, I've read your short script and I expected for more, maybe a impactant reviewling than Oscar's regret.

Anyway, you would do better than this, because you describe very well action and dialogue at least for me.

Hey Jordan, here is one sugestion iI hope it helps you:

Why wouldn't  MacQuinn be showed as a tough guy, unsensitive and does not have any mercy for anybody, including his terrible way to interrogate people? For other hand you can carry out more on the colors on Oscar's way very weak and careless guy and seeems to be suffering a lot in the MacQuinn hands. Then you reserves the surprise to the very end when you can reveal through out MacQuinn's speachs his good and has a pasionate realtionship with his wife instead all we thought he was.

Thanks Z and Helio for the comments.

I'm gonna try and make this one work better, by what most people have said there needs to be more.

I may have a scene or two with Isaac and Oscar, show their relationship a bit more and stuff.

Z, I like that idea about Oscar trying to fool the detective, I may have to see if I can pull that off.

Helio, I kinda wanted Mac do be a bit of a prick, my idea was he knew what happened and he was trying to screw Oscar around into a confession, like his big speech about how he met his wife, that was just kind of a BS story, maybe he isn't even married.

I know this script needs a lot more work, hopefully I can make it more dramatic.

Thanks again you two for the reads and comments

Hello, just read your script and I liked the formatting. felt the dialogue was a little unreal and the ending was pretty predictable. think you may be better at the directing side of things

good luck

Hy Theboywhocouldfly. My name is Vlad Tofan and i am from Romania an i am a student  at the film academy in Bucharest.. I like very much your short script ( ring of fire ) and i would like to transform him in a short movie. can i do that ( and i want to send him at a movie festival whit your name at the "screenplay by" , your real name of couse) ? i'l wait for an answear. bye bye ( sorry for my english )

Hey, theboywhocouldfly the idea is interesting but I belive it needs a bit fleshing out. Make the interrogation much longer with questions and discussion. The dialgoue needs a bit more work. Fix most of the formatting issues that the others advised you about.

Gabriel