Canned by Michel J. Duthin - Short - Subject to claustrophobia, Horatio buys an used car.  13 pages - pdf, format

First up a few formatting things...

The women keep chatting, as if Horatio would not exist. Should be does not or doesn't.

Is it the girl or the place? I don't think this is needed.

Thsi script had great dialogue and formatting was exceptional, but the story. The story was good up until the he woke up in the car and all that. The ending was very abrupt and gave the story a new scent of pointlessness.

Just my opinion but i think this story would have been better if it was one of those 'lesson learnt' type deals where he wakes up after that traumatic experience cured of his claustrophobia. And he goes to work with a new confidence and possibly 'drives Jassie home' (if you get my meaning).

hey Michel,

This was a pretty neat short.





***********************SPOILERS(maybe)***************************







I liked the flow of your story, you set up Horatio's Claustrophobia well with the ride in the elevator.

The scene with the car salesman was funny as well, but I don't think he'd drop the price that much in so little time, maybe have a little more of them bargaining.

I loved the ending, that was gold, if there is a problem it is that I don't think the car would be crushed right away, I think it would have been just towed to a lot, maybe figure out a reason it is towed instantly, maybe the toe truck driver is short on metal or something, just a reason for it to be done right away.

Anyways this was a fun read.  Good job

WTF nightmare was that, Michel? Maybe Horatio was the father of the boy that was fishing and the car did fall on his head in my General Incredulity! haha!

Anyway, good developing dialogue and scenes.

First of all, thanks to eveyone for your reviews.

As almost each of my short, things as not as simple as they seem. In fact, there's a parallel between Horatio and the Chevy. They both useless, obsolete, and out of time. As the car, Horatio has a neat outside appearance, but they're both dysfunctional and invisible. Horatio IS the car. The Chevy is his reflection. When you're looking inside the car you only see emptiness. That's why the salesman drops the price that easily. He knows what's gonna happen. He's wearing white because (I know I'm weird) he's Horatio's guardian angel. The Chevy is Horatio's coffin. And he dies as he lived: alone and invisible. The final crushing is Horatio's funerals.

Claustrophobia is only introduced to accentuate Horatio's "lifesickness".

Hope things will get clearer now.

Michel

PS: You're almost right Helio. Horatio's in fact the little boy's uncle.

Makes sense now, just diggin to deep for my shallow minded self.

Quoted from Alex J. Cooper Just my opinion but i think this story would have been better if it was one of those 'lesson learnt' type deals where he wakes up after that traumatic experience cured of his claustrophobia. And he goes to work with a new confidence and possibly 'drives Jassie home' (if you get my meaning).

I perfectly get what you mean. But I'm not very keen of that kind of ending. It's too obvious. I sometimes despite "happy ending" to surprise.

Michel

The story was very much like what I'd read in the old House of Mystery comic books.  Or the EC Comics before that.  It was straight forward with no real surprise at the end.

I think, maybe, you should show Horatio in the car as he gets crushed.  Maybe he can pop another pill thinking the car getting smaller is only in his head.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I think, maybe, you should show Horatio in the car as he gets crushed.

I thought about it but it looked too violent to me and not appropriate at the rest of the story. I prefered showing the scale glasses inset in the metal which were in fact  the "shield" behind Horatio was hiding and the only thing that was belonging to this world.

This is an engaging story, quite suitable for short length. It held my attention from start to finish.

I'm not sure why Horatio would meet such a fate. I felt really sorry for him. I take it he had a foreshadowing in the elevator.

It's well written, but used odd words and spellings here and there. Maybe this is just a French manner of putting it. It could use some fine-combing to catch those.

One biggie you MUST change: It's TINTED, not TAINTED. Tainted refers to spoilage. You don't want that description of car windows!

I think you used "death seat" when you meant to say "passenger seat"--because this comes early on, and gives away the ending too soon.

All in all, it has a unique style.

Michel,

Not sure 'Spite' is the best term to use.  Who would he be spiting?  Really he has no other choice but to walk.

I may be dating myself since I've never actually been in a car from 1973.  Hell I can't remember being in one from before 1986, but did they have Automatic Windows back then?

The day breaks is not the correct term for evening.  Daybreak is a common term for the crack of dawn.  Try "The day quietly comes to an end" or something dramatic.

-Bob

Thank you for your reading Bob and Monette (by the way Monette in French is a nickname for Simone)

Sorry for the "tainted". My entire fault.

Quoted from MonetteBooks It's well written, but used odd words and spellings here and there.

Odd words?! Just used the ones in my vocabulary (lol)

Quoted from MonetteBooks I think you used "death seat" when you meant to say "passenger seat"--because this comes early on, and gives away the ending too soon.

I don't think it gives away the end. It refeers about the feeling Horatio is in at this moment.

Quoted from MonetteBooks All in all, it has a unique style.

Is it a good or a bad meaning?

Quoted from rjw8625 I may be dating myself since I've never actually been in a car from 1973.  Hell I can't remember being in one from before 1986, but did they have Automatic Windows back then?

Bob,

most of the details about the Chevy came from this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chevrolet_Monte_Carlo#1973

Thanks again for your advices and criticisms.

Michel