12 Hours in Hell by Eddie Thames - Action - Four teen-age party animals suddenly find themselves propelled into a nightmarish, post-apocalyptic future when they accidentally hit a time vortex.  They soon realize the party's over as they discover they are alone in a dead world. Relentlessly pursued by hoards of flesh-eating shadow devils they must fight to stay alive while desperately searching for a way to escape. 112 pages - pdf, format

I'm going to post my review as I read:

-First of all, whever writing sluglines, it's INT. THAT ONE PLACE - DAY (there is always a hyphen (or dash, whatever they're categorized as) before you describe whether it's night or day.

-Don't use We See's or So-And-So Comes Into View.

-When you introduce characters (even if they don't have names), you have to capitalize their names. Such as the figures in the beginning. You need to make it 'FIGURE #1' and 'FIGURE #2'.

-At first I didn't know what CU meant, but I realized it meant "Close Up".

-Page 10: You have two dialogues with no character names.

-Page 11: Same as above.

-When the three guys are sitting on the road, why doesn't one of them just answer Kenny Boy's question? Are they in shock?

-Why are some descriptions in caps?

-When Renee kills the first Devil, you'd think somebody would scream out "What was that?!"

-This is starting to remind me of Silent Hill...

-Yikes, when Kenny Boy quotes the scripture, that is pretty creepy.

Okay I'm finished! Wow you had a lot of suspense in there! You described everything with a lot of detail and it was beginning to get a little scary. Heh. This story plot is good and I had a bad feeling when they backed up into the vortex. I was expecting one of them saying that they'd become religious since they now know what Hell is like...I sure would.

This was great and it kept me reading from beginning to end. A few mishaps, but nothing major. Nice job!

Sean

Sean, Thanks for a clean, concise, and useful assessment of the script. This is the reason I posted it. I am also glad you liked the script. The sequential clarity of your thoughts lends a  great deal of credibility to your opinions. I wrote the script in 2004. During the rewrites I ran into a lot of problems with my software. Every action sequence came out all caps. I had to manually select the data and convert it to small caps which caused me to have to go back and manually recapitalize the first word in every sentence. Other problems developed and I finally just shelved it. You are actually one of the first people to read the script. Maybe now I can look at it with a fresh pair of eyes. Thanks again.