The Last Milk Story by A Member - Short, Horror - A dark night, a scary story told to pass time and the reoccurring theme of milk makes for one Hell of an evening. 12 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - fdr, format

Good job here very interesting fairy tale. Apropriated scenario, audience (kids) and a uncle and finally a very nice final.

Oh a very clean writting as well! Well done whoever you are!

This was well written, but, imo, lacked a dramatic punch. There wasn't, I don't think, enough of a build up. Again, this is just an opinion, and definitely debatable.

Still, it was good and could, if extended a few pages, be great.

You're a good writer.

Seth  

There seems to be a lot of poisonings in milk (along with milkmen and breast feedings) in these scripts. This one sort of stood out the most. I liked the fact that Joseph was seeing what he thought were demons. It sort of reminded me of The Exorcism of Emily Rose when she looked at people, and suddenly, their faces turned all evil-like...

I just didn't really like the ending though, because, if what David did what I thought he did with the milk, the same thing Joseph did, then that is sort of harsh, don't you think? I don't know, really...But overall this was a good story. I liked it.

Sean

I cannot comment at all on formatting since I couldn't open the .fdr file properly.

I like your scene action descriptions early on.  Very well thought out.

Seth is right.  It seems like a few more pages would have suited it well, but this was a short competition.

Maybe a more definitive resolution as to whether or not David really poisioned the kids is called for.  What I think would have been cool is if the other kids were in on the gag and were struggling on cue.  David could have pushed the mirror and gun issue with Robert until he admitted he was truly terrified.  I know busting out real guns around your nieces and nephews is not the epitome of good babysitting, but hey, it's a movie.

Definitely a good read.  I could really picture the farm scenes, including the gunshots.  Tastefully done.

This was an okay read.  

It seemed to just kinda stop suddenly but I got the point.  

The ending was kinda odd it's like you ran out of room and just had to bring it to a quick stop.  

Aslo, was he simply crazy or did he really see things that other people couldn't?

And no evil cows with bad milk?  It's on a farm!  LOL

Despite all that I liked it anyway.

Sorry.  Can't read .fdr at work, which is where I am.

Brion,

As FlyBoy suggested, you would have gotten more reads if this were a PDF file.

Overall, I'm impressed by much of what is here: I liked the story, the writing isn't pretty solid and the scenes with Joseph's revelation that he's is in the midst of "demons" worked nicely.

As a reader you indicate the flashbacks to 1956, but that won't appear on the screen unless you Super it.

Fly mentioned the names Bobby and Robert, and I'll add the confusion of using Anna and Amelia, two same gender names that begin with the same letter.  It makes it difficult to keep track of mom and daughter.

I think you can introduce your flashback characters (Joseph, Anna and Amelia) in a more active way.  You essentially place these characters in their settings, but I'm not seeing them in action.  Not a difficult thing to correct, however.

On Page 4, you have barley instead of barely.  On page 8, you have Amelia comes ut instead of out and on that same page at the bottom, daughters should have an apostrophe.

There are other things that didn't sit right with me, such as "...from which blood oozes from..." which I think can be rephrased to work better.

Storywise, I just loved old Joseph discovering that his family is not what they should be.  It's interesting that despite their demonic appearances, only in reflections, they pose no threat to him.  Probably an indication of Joseph's mental state.

the ending was a bit predictable, but I still liked it.
i only wish there was an added twist.
Robert (Williams the writer, not your character) suggested having the younger kids at the story-telling scene, go along with Uncle Dave's "scary" ending to shock the older boy. That could work, if you want to veer away from a nihilistic finale.

Or if you want to keep the crazed uncle-turns-killer ending, you could have your character Robert pull out the Demon card at the end.  Maybe Dave's story is factual.

You could expand on this because there is a lot of things packed into 12 pages.
But nonetheless, I enjoyed what you wrote and specific scenes in particular.

I forgot to mention that while I suggested the superimposing of the year 1956, I realize now that the narrator David could mention the year in VO as he's recounting this story.