Night of the Damned by A Member - Short, Horror - Father and daughter outlaws rob the wrong country store. 12 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - pdf, format

This was a pretty interesting read, didn't have much to do with milk though, other than "Gumball" dropping some and the cat licking it off the floor.

The exchange between Daddy and Gumball in the car was actually quite funny.  That littl girl sure has a mouth on her

Anyways it was fun but I think it strayed from the theme, but on it's own it had some great moments.  I really liked the head being rolled down to Gumball's feet, and revealing what happened to the cat, Daddy was one mean S.O.B.

Hey.

SPOILERS SPOILERS

This script had absolutely nothing to do with milk, so on that level you failed the chalenge thingy.

Other than that I suppose it was good enough, the dialogue worked nicely and fit the actions well.  The action was good too, although I'm not exactly sure what happened to the cat, because the dad comes up with a bloody collar and she later strolls the aises with the cat.

Also the ending was a little "what the hell" because of the sudden armless woman and burly man, perhaps offer some kind of explenation, because that seemed just completely random to me.

Also, gumballs mirror shatters and then she uses it again.  I recommend you just never have her drop it.

Congratulations on being the first script I read.

-Tyler

I don't think more explanation is entirely necessary.  The scene in the basement has a 'He got himself in to more than bargained for' feel.
The formatting of the last few scenes is wrong.  You wouldn't just write BASEMENT.  You need a full slugline.  And you need another when you go back to Gumball in the store.
Some other notes.
I don't buy Gumball as being 10.  15 Maybe.  Her dialogue is too smarmy for 10.
On Page 6, the scene action regarding Gumball and the can of lighter fluid doesn't read well or make sense.
Page 9, the cat jumps out of gumball's arms despite being killed pages ago.

This was entertaining but kind of confusing at the same time.  I think I see where milk plays a key role in here, almost like a foreshadowing because Gumball wasn't watching the door in the beginning, but at the end she was, but by then it was too late?  Maybe there's too much of a complex message you're going for here.  

Cat died...I don't understand how she suddenly came back unless that just slipped your mind.  

I buy the fact that Gumball is 10.  In a way it reminded me of Haley Joel Osment's "Sixth Sense" character.  Witty, smart, clever dialogue.  When she's living with such an A** of a father, I can see where she picked up some of her lines from.  So kudos to you on that.

Overall I liked this.  I think the message is either too deep or too shallow, because I'm having a hard time figuring it out but I think it's there.  Sharp descriptions, engaging dialogue, a joy to read.  Nice job!

Well, I think this was a pretty cool short. Excellent description and dialogue, nice pacing...all was good. I still have to agree with theboywhocouldfly, though. This didn't have much to do with milk at all.

This one I thought was really really cool. Aside from some flaws...

SPOILERS!!!

Didn't Daddy kill the cat? so I don't get where it came from again. And I don't get why there is a stream of lighter fluid down the aisle. Did I miss something?

The scene with the girl I think could be either lost, or you could show the burly guy doing something more to her. expand the scene a little more and give us more time with burly guy, to know what kind of a freak he is.

I also think 10 is way too young for the dialogue she was spitting out. Things like "don't have a coronary" and calling him and "a**hole" and talking about molesting her I don't think a 10 year old would say. I'd shoot more for a 14 15 or 16.

Besides that I really really liked this. The dialogue was fantastic. I loved Gumball's name, smart assness, her relationship with her father, their arguing, throwing the bullets out the window, the old man. This just had a really great feel in it. Didn't have much to do with milk but had some really cool and memerable moments, characters and dialogue going for it.

Not much milk, but delivers on horror.

That was entertaining.

The dialogue in this piece is so smart and clever; you almost realize that is has nothing to do with milk. Almost…

The characters in this are also exceptional; the father and daughter relationship was written in such a unique and original way. What a fucked up, yet interesting family.

My only complaint is the lack of milk. Good job.

-Zavier

This brought to mind for me 'Paper Moon' in an odd way, especially the dynamic between father and daughter.  That movie's a favorite of mine but the difference is that the leads here are alot less sympathetic.  For that reason I can't quite embrace this one.  It was still a good read though with colorful characters and as others have stated - delivers on the horror.

Still, I can't help but wonder how much better this would be if only you had given our two protagonists a proper motive or rationale for their wayward lifestyle.  I really wanted to sympathize with them.

The dynamics between the father and daughter were pretty interesting, but the story didn't do anything for me.  The theme for the OWE could've lawn furniture and you could just as easily squeaked it in.

Keep the characters and put them in another story.  A longer one.


Phil

I just did not get the point of the story on this one (the plot seemed rather gratuitous.) And I've seen too many horror films with big, country guys with cleavers to not feel it was a bit cliche.

That said, I did like the dialogue between the father and daughter.  It had a level of edge and interesting characterization to it, that held my attention. I would like to see something more dramatic (along the lines of natural born killers, perhaps) with these characters.

Although the story wasn't hugely original, it's always a satisfying one, and I thought you pulled it off well.

Actually, it was the characters I really liked about this one.  What a team.  Good dialogue, good conflicts, and plenty of things to make them interesting.  I agree with Phil.  Throw 'em into something that isn't quite so pedestrian.

Oh and milk milk blah blah milk.

This one was good for me, and I know who wrote it, too.  I hope this author gets some reads on his other story off the readers from this one.  His choppy style is uniquely his own, and I'll be shocked if it turns out I am wrong.  Don't think I am.

The character of Gumball is fantastic.  I love her.  But she talks too old, without a doubt.  But don't make her older, though.  Just make her dialogue a bit younger.  Don't make her quite so smart -- but keep the edge.

I will echo the sentiments that these characters deserve -- demand -- a larger story of their own.  Something that includes Mom's backstory.

Now, having said all that -- the horror is barely there -- and the milk even less.  Surely you could have tried a little harder there.  I mean, c'mon.

But this one has nevertheless displaced "Nelchael's Legacy" as my second-favorite.

I like this! This is, imo, great. The writing is excellent. It's not over-written. It says only what it needs to say, and in a compelling way. The characters are interesting. Although, I have to agree with the others, Gumball's diologue is far beyond that of a ten year old. That said, I wouldn't change what she says, just the way she says it.

The end, seemed a little forced, a little rushed. Still, this is my favorite of the many I've read.

Seth