Affairs by Joshua A.B. Hinke (joshywa) - Short - An affair between a day dreamer and a disturbed lawyer goes horrible wrong. 7 pages - pdf, format

The dialogue in this script was obviously the main drive of this story. You did a good job of backing up Michael's depression and including all necessary details.


Spoilers...


I was kind of confused when Kelly killed herself too, she didn't seem depressed or nothing, but then again it could have been because she loved Michael, Romeo & Juliet type thing.


I enjoyed reading this, it had good pacing, but it seemed like more of a scene for a bigger script than a short.

Hi Joshua, I liked a lot of the dialogues, but I'm sorry to say your script seemed to me as a part of a long story, so I advise you go back to your seat and start hitting the keyboard writting the rest for us!

Oh, other thing: I felt that was missing some the characters moving between the dialogues. As you know it is a movie not a play, right?

The dialogue was okay... the problem was sometimes the male character came off as whiney. I thought the girl was a hooker. Character development would have one of them mention her past but instead this was all about him and like Ape/Alex, I believe that in this Kelly was just a victim of no story.

I would suggest maybe fixing this a little by having an insert or some extra dialogue while he's in the washroom to drive home the fact that she in fact is not a hooker but a naive young girl who fell in love with her "hero" usually portrayed by an older man maybe because her family is a bunch of abusive drunks or protective freaks.

Best part was the dialogue and the worst was the killing itself.

The killing is just straightforward without hesitation, which tells a story in and of itself.

I just wanted to thank everyone for their time and comments.  I plan to go back and write more in this.  What would make this a better scene for a short?  Is there a certain outline I should be using when writing a short?  I use the three act outline for writing full length scripts, should I use that on shorts too?  Thanks for your comments I appreciate them all.

Very good dialogs, indeed, but there is no plot. Michael is a heratless machist S.O.B while kelly is a mindless part-time mistress. We don't care about them. You don't try to give us feelings to be involved with them. That's a pity. You could have something great.

In fact, there are too many dialogs (even if they're excellent) and not much action. I perfectly could figure these scenes inside a feature but not as a short.

****************SPOILERS***************

about the end, Michael's invitation to Kelly to kill him is too abrupt. Loving him is not an enough good reason to do it. Michael's words should be more subtle.

Anyway, I felt a good author behind all this.

Michel

Warning: This is my first reading and critiquing of a script.

Ok, with that said let's get started. I liked the beginning. I was pulled in right away and connected to the story from the start. I think the scene where Kelly places the picture frame face down is a good visual aid.

Most of the dialogue seems realistic.

I noticed a few errors but you probably saw them afterwards, if not go back over the script. They are pretty obvious.

You need more directional cues. There is no feeling in it. Include some emotion of the characters; such as walking around, maybe close-ups of the girls lips while she talks or of their fingers around the cigarette. A perfect example to include this is in the monologue of him saying what he likes about Kelly: for her lips, show a CU of them, for her breasts show a CU, and so on. This might help to emphasize that he sees her only as an object and not as a human being.

Wesley hit it right on the head when he offered his advice to include a background story. Let us know how they got together and why. This seemed more like a scene and not a short. A short should have more than one scene in it. Dont be afraid to inlclude more, you can always cut it out.

Overall it was good. The killing seemed a little out of place. But if thats how you want the scene to end then make it more drammatic.

Quoted from joshywa I just wanted to thank everyone for their time and comments.  I plan to go back and write more in this.  What would make this a better scene for a short?  Is there a certain outline I should be using when writing a short?  I use the three act outline for writing full length scripts, should I use that on shorts too?  Thanks for your comments I appreciate them all.

Josh,

You should still think of the short as having a beginning, middle, and end.  There won't be much time for as much exposition in a short, you have to get right to the chase.  But you still need to introduce the characters.  

There still needs to be a central question and a nadir or bottoming out at the end of the 'Second Act' where it looks as though the objective won't be achieved.  The resolution also must be very short in nature.  You need to wrap up quickly after the climax, and even sometimes leave the epilogue up to the interpretation of the audience.

As for this work:

A formatting note, you are too close to the top of the pages.

On story, I agree with Wesley's comment on whininess of Michael and I agree with Michel and Alex's comment that her love for him is not enough reason to kill him and herself.

I disagree with Michel's comment about Kelly being mindless though.  She has objective at points in this story.  Even when Michael is telling her he doesn't love her, he is adding point of view to her plea that they start a new life together.  Those lines tell an awful lot about her whether it was intended or not.  She is more important than the intended 'protagonist' to me.  Maybe this is because he is so passive.  He just bitches, but at least she tries to come up with a solution.

Maybe just a little bit of back story would help for Michael in this instance.  Being introduced to a guy as he's cheating on his wife will bias an audience unfavorably.

The ending is wholly unsatisfying.  It seems like its the only way to resolve it neatly because of the circumstances that were set up, but it rings a little bit hollow as Michel was getting at.

Quoted from joshywa You need more directional cues. There is no feeling in it. Include some emotion of the characters; such as walking around, maybe close-ups of the girls lips while she talks or of their fingers around the cigarette. A perfect example to include this is in the monologue of him saying what he likes about Kelly: for her lips, show a CU of them, for her breasts show a CU, and so on. This might help to emphasize that he sees her only as an object and not as a human being.

Drew,

I can see the cinematographer background in you coming out here.  Unfortunately this is not something you want to do in a script.  The Director and Cinematographer need to be allowed the liberty to do their jobs they way they see fit and that may include an interpretation of the work that the screenwriter didn't intend on.  Also, a note for the future, use parentheticals for directing actors sparingly.  An actor really does not like to be told how to act.

Thanks for the knowledge! Like I said, I'm trying to learn. So keep it coming.

I'd be interested in shooting this for doorpost festival

Hello, Joshua. I just took a look at this and, though flawed, I found it enjoyable on some levels.

First of all, some minor notes:

-I don't know which software you used to format this, but something feels off about the margins. I would suggest using some other software for your scripts.

page 4 - There is a then/than confusion in one of Kelly's lines. No biggie, just a minor slip-up.

- Add a "FADE IN:" at the beginning. Just for tradition's sake.

- No need for double hyphens in your headers. I've seen it done in a couple of professional scripts, but they are not required nor preferred. One hyphen will do.

Now, as for the content, I enjoyed it for what it was, but felt it fell short on several aspects. First of all, there really isn't a story here -- it's more of a scenario.

I enjoyed imagining the rest myself, filling the blanks, and I even felt sorry for Kelly at the end -- but at the same time I wished there'd be more of a story. Your character itself evoked little sympathy in me, but my imagination made it more emotional. Whether this was your intention or not, I do not know.

Certainly, there's more you could have done in seven pages than you actually did.

Kelly and Michael are not bad characters. They are interesting enough to hold the piece together, but your plot is not "there" enough to make the whole thing great.

They script's climax is when Michael asks Kelly to shoot him, which worked decently.

The problem with this, however, is that there is no build-up to it. It is mentioned a few pages before, yes, but only in passing. A Short story like this one cannot afford to do that because you simply don't have the space required to foreshadow things in that way. With a script this short, you must get right down to business, if you know what I mean.

All in all, a decent script which could be tweaked into something better.

--Julio

I agree, decent dialogue and all. The killing in the end was too cliche for me. Tons of shorts end with suicide. I think it's because it's the easy way out for the writer because the writer believes suicide makes a deep statement on the human condition. Maybe it does, but that condition's been overstated. Do something different...like maybe keep them alive?