Kids by Michel J. Duthin - Short - Toni's back. And she has some friends. 3 pages - pdf, format

Toni is the same character as in "Casino" (Sorry, Mr. Scorsese). She already has big fans.

She soon will be back for other silly stupid stories.

Michel

I have to say, this wasn't the best sequel. Although it was fairly funny it wasn't as hilarious as the first one.

The character is still as stupid as ever so good work for that.

I was scared at first from the title this was gonna be like that awful movie kids, but thank god it wasn't.

This was funny at times, the whole "Weenie" line seemed weird, who says "weenie"...LOL, maybe the kids do, but these were adults, I think they would either say, dick, penis or cock, but not weenie, but I can't say it didn't make me laugh.

These must be some horrible parents if there kids are doing these things, maybe social servises should make a visit  

Hey Michel, I gave this a quick read and it was quite amusing.  I'll check out 'casino' too.  Sorry for not responding to your message - I have now though.

Quoted from The boy who could fly the whole "Weenie" line seemed weird, who says "weenie"...LOL, maybe the kids do, but these were adults, I think they would either say, dick, penis or cock, but not weenie,

Weenie was here on purpose. Toni is a child-like young woman. She thinks like a kid. She couldn't say another word than weenie.

Michel

Hey Michel, I must admit that I had high expectations for the next Toni story. I was a little disappointed in the way that she didn't really have any role in this apart from the ending. I think she needs to be smarter, like the smart seen in Casino. That's the Toni I was expecting in this.

I don't think this is really a story with her in it. She's kinda just a cameo role in this even though she ends the whole thing. I hope her next role will be bigger with a bit more about her and who she truly is... because I'm a little confused about her now.

Jamie

Sorry, Michel, but I was disappointed as well.

Quoted from Parker I think she needs to be smarter, like the smart seen in Casino.

You set her up well with that first story, but if you intend for her to be a recurring character, each new chapter should offer new insights.  We should learn a little more about her every time she appears.

Here, she has a total of nine words -- and worse -- she is completely opposite of the smart and savvy woman you established with the first script.

Quoted from You Toni is a child-like young woman.

Not in "Casino" she wasn't.

An effective character must be consistent in their words and deeds.  She has the same name here, but she is not the same person.  If you intend to use her again, you need to pick a single, fleshed-out persona and go with it.

As it is now, it feels as if even you do not understand Toni very well.  Figure her out before you try again.

Quoted from michel Toni is a child-like young woman.

I'm sorry Bert but I'm not agreed with you. In Casino, though she looked smarter than she really is, she was child-like. Do you know a decent and mature woman who would show her tits to win at the roulette?

She did it innocently. And who said she cheated? She may have win. We never know.

I must admit she sounds much silly in this one. Toni is not made to talk.

Hope the next entries will please you anyway.

Michel

Quoted from Casino                TONI      (seductive)    Hi.

I'm gonna call you on this, Michel, just to be a jerk

This is not a "child-like" woman here.

Yes, (seductive) is such a very small detail -- but the script is only 4 pages long -- so every detail is important.

When you call her "seductive", you have cast her character -- no matter what you are seeing as you write, for the rest of the casino scene the reader is seeing a smart, sexy, un-childlike woman.  Children are not seductive.

And this is why "Kids" is not working right now.  Because "Casino" contained a different character.

In a short script, every single word must be chosen with great caution -- even for you French guys!