Aliens - The Series, Episode 1 "Infestation" by Robert Skotte (sniper) - Series, Sci Fi - Set in a distant future, the story picks up after a deep space explorer vessels disastrous encounter with an alien life-form. Evolutionary Genetics Inc. are now in possession of two alien eggs and led by Professor Martin Van Roland, they are now starting to breed the alien on Earth. Two local reporters, Julie and Mac, after getting an anonymous tip, suddenly find themselves in the story of their lives. 62 pages - pdf, format

Aliens - The Series, Episode 2 "Outbreak" by Robert Skotte (sniper) - Series, Sci Fi - With the aliens breeding at an alarming rate, it finally dawns on Professor Roland just what he has set in motion. Julie and Mac continues the investegation which ultimately leaves them in grave danger. The aliens manage to escape their captivity and soon a race for life and death begins.  58 pages - pdf, format

Aliens - The Series, Episode 3 'Dawn' by Robert Skotte (sniper) - Series, Sci Fi - With the city in ruins, Julie, Mac and the remaining survivors come to terms with the situation. The aliens are in the open and a queen has already set up a new hive. To make matters worse, a third party - with a hidden agenda - starts his own struggle for power. Soon the streets are turned into a battlegrounds, pitting man against alien...and man against man. 60 pages - pdf, format

Hi All,

This is Robert (the writer of the series). I just uploaded Episode 2 ("Outbreak") which should be posted in a couple of days. In the mean time, it would be great if someone could give an honest opinion on the series so far.

Don't pull any punches. You only learn from mistakes.

Rob

Basta satt att fa "feedback" ar att lasa andra manuskript har. Dom flesta medlemmar har laser helst inte manuskripts fran nykomlingar som inte laser och kommenterar sjalva.

Pia  

So she is Swedish...

Anyway, to stay on topic, she's right, you should really throw a few critiques around on other people's scripts before expecting any goodwill. Start by making a deal in the Script exchange, someone reads your script and you read theirs.

But since I am a fan of the Alien saga, I did just give this one a glance. While I think you have a knack for writing, there are a few things that didn't sit well with me.

First of all, the angle. This reads like a gumshoe/investigator/conspiracy flick, which seems very incongruous with the source material, almost anachronistic. It's sorta like making a gritty thriller and set in the land of Oz.

Secondly, to me, the Alien aesthetics have always been about dank, industrial, malfunctioning mechanics, like an oil derrick in space, but you set this series in a bright, Fifth Element-ish city where the daily routine really resembles ours a lot. I doubt all the conventional trades like news-reporter would've survived in the Alien time continuum, which always struck me as being kind of Totalitarian.

The point is, I didn't see "Alien" in this script. I don't say that to put you down or anything, because I really do like the dialogue and I thought the characters were pretty well-rounded. But I just don't really think you can a have scene with someone on the couch watching TV talking about groceries in an Alien series. The point of the Alien future, is to me, that commodities are scarce and life is reduced to the bare necesseties. Like how the only jobs you ever see in the Franchise is doctor, soldier, salvager, freighter and the likes. Trades necessary in order to control society, but nothing more.

On the script itself I won't go into detail, because I already mentioned the characters and dialogue. I do however feel you spend too much time of exposition - the focus should be on the Alien, not Julie's love-life or her sister.

But that's just one guy's opinion.

Well that turned into to quite an essay.

Death Monkey

First of all I wanna thank you for the feedback and hope that you will keep on reading the upcoming episodes. Second, I would like to explain why I wrote it like I did.

The reason I didn't set it in a dark and greasy future is because it has already been done. The other reason is that - and I don't think I'm giving too much away here - Earth eventually will fall, and the bright Fifth Element-ish city (as you point out) will cease to exist. But in order to show the horror of a city under siege I felt I had to show the city as it was. And I do think that I give a few subtle hints in the scripts, that shows that all is not bright (and I don't mean that litterally).

Since this is set up as a TV series I wanted to concentrate much more on the characters, as oposed to the alien, beacuase I have always felt that the characters in the four movies seemed a little superficial (maybe with the exception of Alien3). Basically I was tired of watching just soldiers and scientist on spacecrafts - they still play in big part in these scripts - but the main characters are just your ordinary folks who find themselves in a heap of trouble. The alien creature will of course play a much greater part in the upcoming episodes, since the characters are now established. I couldn't just release them on Earth from the get go, I had to establish the world we're in and then have the aliens escape.

When I started thinking about writing this, I wanted to do it as an Alien movie meets The China Syndrome meets Duel meets Dawn Of The Dead, because I wanted to stray from the conventional alien formular. Whether it works is up to people like yourself to decide, but I hope that you will read on.

Again I thank you for the feedback.

I get what you're saying about exposition and establishing the scene, I mean it's the pilot that kinda thing is aboun to be a big part of it. the thing is the Alien saga is an incredible enarmored franchise that millions of people have a very devout opinion on, so going ahead and changing stuff that some, myself included, might consider core elements of the series (like the whole atmosphere, which is also why I didn't like Resurrection) might throw a lot of people off. I appreciate you don't wanna re-trace steps from every other Alien fan-fic, but what sets you apart, might also be what turns people off. It's an incredibly fine line you have to manage when writing fan-fiction.

What I always thought was pivotal about character interaction in the series, is how the Xenomorph is like the catalyst that makes the characters act the way they do, or let their personality surface. I love Alien 3 to death, and I think that film probably has some of the richest characters of ANY sci-fi/horror ever. Each and every one is forced to define themselves because of the Alien threat; some step into character others break character. The exposition we get is always told in hindsight. We learn about Clemens, Eighty-Five and Dillon after the fact.

I might read on, although I don't spend that much time on this site anymore, what with me being busy writing term-papers and all.

But I suggest if you want ample feedback you strike a deal in Script-Exchange.

Robert,
I read the first episode so I am going to comment on that one first. I will get to the second  later today.

First, overall I thought you did a pretty good job of creating a series using established characters(the Aliens) Good job. The story was well written. You used descriptions well in most places(I'll talk about the others later) which helped me create these fictional scenes in my head.

SPOILERS



Story:

There were three things in particular about the story that I didn't like or didn't clearly understand.

1. I would have liked to seen the last scene(the flashback) as the opener. It really would have set the story up well, picking up (sort of) where the movie ended. The last scene was written well so it would have been a great introduction to your writing skills as well. Not that the first scene you have now isn't written well...it's just the last scene would have opened up the story better.

2. I'm confused about the reproductive capabilities of the Aliens. First the Aliens(The mouth huggers) were found as eggs but lay "live" embryos into their hosts. Which is it? Maybe I missed this in the movie as well. I haven't seen the original in years so...
Ususally a species of animal/creature will have one way to reproduce(Some bacteria and microscopic organisms have more than one). But for the most part organisms either lay eggs, which later hatch...or have live births. Are the eggs an intermediate stage for the beings? Some bacteria use this method to protect themselves in harsh environments(spore forming ones). Is this what happens with these creatures? Then once they come in contact with the host do they inject live "embryos"? Maybe this could be explained somehow.
3. I would begin the Second Act with a scene of the news reporters. Doesn't have to be anything big just a filler before going back into the EVOGEN scene. I haven't read any TV pilots so this may be off but I was "expecting" to see the Second Act begin with the news reporters.
4.(I know I said three...)The end of the pilot doesn't leave me wanting to see the second episode. Remember the TV series Batman? Each episode ended with Batman and Robin in a bind. We had to wait until the next episode to see how they would get out of it. I know this example is over the top but it gives a good example of the use of a cliffhanger. Something dramatic as the last scene...to be continuted and sorted out at the beginning of the next episode.

Some specific as I read:

Immediately I noticed you using "is" and "are" instead of action verbs. I read somewhere and reader/producer/agent can tell how many scripts you've written by your use of "is's" and "are's". Use them sparingly. Not using them will help spread your mental vocabulary out by having to write in an active voice using only action verbs.

Why are your character's names underlined?

pg5. "Julie appears to be in her thirties..." would read better as... "Julie, 30's..."
I saw this done a few times.

pg 8. You don't introduce "Emil". Is he the security guard? I saw this several times where a character will just "show up" and begin dialogue. Check this.

pg11. Rethink the dialogue between Julie and Mac here. Seems forced, on-the-nose. This is an important piece, make it better. The conversation ended unrealistically. I think Julie's reaction would have been probing(since she is an investigative reporter!)

Use "We look...", "We scan...", "We (fill in the blank)..." sparingly, if at all. Again if you avoid the use of this you'll find more creative ways of saying the same thing and getting your point across.

pg24. "JULIE ON TV" should be "JULIE (V.O.)"  You seem to be getting (O.S.) and (V.O) confused. Use (V.O.) when a character or voice is coming through an artificial device(TV, radio, phone) and when the character is talking over a scene(flashback)and use (O.S.) when a character is physically in the scene but isn't seen(in the next room). I noticed this mistake on several occasions.

Some of your sluglines don't reference "DAY" or "NIGHT". I would get into the habit of using one or the other in almost all your sluglines. Except of course when you're using "space" as a location.

pg28-30. You have several pages of dialogue without any action 'breaks', as I refer to them. Add some simple action between dialogue..."Turns head...", "Drinks.", etc.

pg31. You have huge chunks of action sequences(9-10 lines) without interruption. My rule is that I have no more than four lines of action without a break. The first and second paragraphs of this page need to be broken up.

pg33.         MAC                **would read better**                    MAC
"No, he said it was the homeless kind."      "No, says they're street people, homeless."

pg44.      RAYNES
        "Make a hole"
**Either you did your research on military lingo or you were once in the military. Good job!**

pg46 Raynes, Roland, Boller....all these names get confusing. Get them a specific title with their names. Makes it easier to follow who is who. (Professor, Doctor, etc)

Overall though, well written and well thought out. With some work could be something great. I'll get to the other episode later.

Joseph

Robert, you've been on these boards for four months now.  And all that you've posted is requests for people to read your work.  Why don't you read someone else's and comment on them.  That's how his board works.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe Robert, you've been on these boards for four months now.  And all that you've posted is requests for people to read your work.  Why don't you read someone else's and comment on them.  That's how his board works. Phil

Way ahead of you Phil.

Thanks for the review, Joseph. Have posted my review of 'Confessions'.

You are absolutely right about the reproductive cycle of the Alien. I assumed everybody knows the three alien stages - stupid, I know. Of course I need to show the facehugger coming out of the egg.

Just to clear that part up for you, here's how the reproductive cycle works.

- The Queen lays an egg
- Inside the egg is the facehugger. It attaches itself to the face of a host (hence the name) and 'impregnates' the host by laying an embryo inside of him. The facehugger then dies.
- The embryo grows until it bursts through the chest of the host (aka the chestburster).
- The chestburster later grows into the adult alien.

You given me some good pointers and I will certainly look into that.

I put the flashback scene last because I didn't want to start the story off with the biggest action sequence of the episode. Like Spielberg did in Jaws - don't show the shark until you have to. But you're right about the ending. It should keep you on the edge of your seat. Maybe not a Batman'ish type of cliffhanger, but something that's gonna make you want more. Episode two ends like that, just so you know.

After reading 'Confessions' it's clear that you and I have different takes on when to be descriptive and not (as we should have - you have your way, I have mine), that's why I don't break up dialog with 'turns head' etc, unless it specifically influences the story.

Again, thank you for the review.


Robert

Robert,

On to the second review...

I found the second episode written better. From beginning to end the entire story held my attention and  I couldn't find many plot holes. Although there were a few questions I had.

Specifics..
You're opening dialogue sequence was creepy. In a good way. I like the irony in the dialogue compared with what was going on at EVOGEN. Good job with this.

One of the strong points of this series is the development of each of your characters. Given each set of characters their own goings on, etc. You create good internal drama within the main story line. Again, good job.

SPOILERS


Problems or confusing points...

1. When Julie "bumps" into Raynes why does she run. It seems like an overreaction on her part. Being a reporter without having done anything wrong just seems like she would have held her ground. She is the "best" reporter the News Agency has, no? I think she would have charmed her way out of it or just gone into interrogating Rayes.
2.(pg1 They still don't know that the story is "true" yet. They have no proof that these people were taken by EVoGen. They might be suspicious but again they haven't seen anything to prove what they were looking for.

Latrine=Head  When I was in the military we used the term "head" more than "latrine". We never used that word. This is probably dependant on what branch of the military you're referring to. I think it is an old term though.

pg24. During the first scene with Hahn and his assistant, you don't set up the scene. What are they doing? Looking at? The next scene you have(out of nowhere) an alien attacking them. Look at this.

pg26. How does Raynes "pull his decimated squad from the hold"? Does he actually drag the dead bodies from the space? Or does he "pull back" as in militarily?

I like how you weave in Julie and Mac believing everything going on was because of them.

I'm confused on what Professor Roland saw in the crate. Was it a bomb? Then an alien comes out also? I got lost here a little.

One major grammatical problem I see is that your noun does not reflect your verb most times. You're using a singular form of the verb when your noun is plural and vice-versa. Example: (pg39) "Several crafts from the local fire department IS dousing..." "crafts" is plural thus you should use "are". I saw this on several occasions.

Again, great job with each subplot(news reporters, soldiers, EvoGen) and its development.

pg43. How have they "confirmed" 5000 deaths?

pg46. Anyone can drive any car? What about security devices for a car(locks, keys, etc.) Do these not apply to these type of vehicles?

pg47. I'm not sure Mac would agree to go back so easily for the other guys. HAve him be a little hesitant. You can't have both characters with so much altruism.

Better ending! That's a cliffhanger. Makes me want to see what is going to happen next. Good job.

Did better with this episode. If you can maintain this level of story telling for the rest of the series...

Hope this helps.

Joseph

Hi Joseph,

Thank you for a very constructive review. You've pointed out some things that I - as the writer - thought were obvious. But now that I have a readers input I can see that there's certainly some scenes/sequences that need a bit more attention.

I have never been in the military so it's great that you can correct my army jargon, I've just used what I have seen in other movies. So latrine is out, head's in  .

And you're right about the grammar. English is not my native tongue but that's no excuse. Will revisit that for sure.

Below I have tried to comment on some of the points you made.

1. I had Julie run because I needed to get the story rolling. My intention was always to have Julie and Mac be sort of the cause of why the aliens escape - as in when Cruz cuts the power to free them. So I felt it would take up too much time if Julie first started to question Raynes. Also, I felt it was time for a little action sequence.

2. Well, they had Cruz' photos. I guess I need to 'show' more of the photos, maybe make them more incriminating.

Pg24. Good point, will expand on that scene.

Pg26. Yeah, it was meant in a military sense. Will revisit.

Iro. the crate Roland finds, I need to make everybody aware that it is the same type of crate as seen in the teaser in Episode 1.

Pg43. You're right, that makes absolutely no sense. Will change it to 'unconfirmed reports' or something like that.

Pg46. Again you hit the nail right on the head, that needs expanding.

Pg47. Actually I think that scene works fine as is.

I'm about halfway done with Episode 3 so stay tuned.


Robert

Sorry I’ve taken so long, here’s the review for the Infestation. I’ll get to Outbreak later. Anyway Infestation was a great read and it looks like it’ll be a promising series.

SPOILERS--------------------------------------

Your dialogue is great. Spot on in every instance. This has got to be the biggest strength in the story. It could be funny in some instances, dramatic in others, but always realistic and true to life.

If someone is reading your script, who hasn’t seen the movies they might not understand some of this. So write your story as if everyone who’ll be reading has never seen an Alien movie. Some might not know what a face hugger is. – But also take in the fact that the people who have seen Alien won’t fall for some of the same surprises. So if a baby alien pops out of someone’s chest, it won’t be unexpected. As I read on however, you did a fine job of this anyway.

The part where the face hugger suddenly jumps up and attaches onto Helmes’ face wasn’t very surprising. I knew that someone was gonna get it and I had a feeling it was going to be Helmes.

Wouldn’t more people be reporting about the abduction of the homeless people? It seems like the abductors were making a lot of noise and it was a huge scene. I know it was night time, but it felt like there should have been a better excuse for no one else witnessing it besides the guy who calls Mac.

There’s really not too much wrong with this script. You’ve done a great job with pretty much all of it. The only major problem I had with it is that, I was expecting an Aliens series to be much more violent and action packed. I’m not suggesting turning this script into a monstrous Action-jammed, adrenaline filled, fight movie. But this could potentially disappoint a lot of readers.

Your story dwells in a lot of Julia’s relationships and job status. More time is given to that than the actual Alien stuff. This being this first episode in the series I’d put more of the action in this one and then in the second episode I’d add more of Julia’s struggles in it.

Small technical stuff
Never have action lines longer than four
Dr. Helmes isn’t described.
Take titles off of the top of every page.
Also remove all of the we sees.
On page 30—you only need to state filtered once.

Anyway this was a good read. I’ll begin reading next episode.

Good Luck.

I've gotta say that this episode was a lot better than the first. I got to admit the first got just a little dull in parts, but this one was entertaining from beginning to end. I had a lot of trouble finding faults with the script.

SPOILERS---------------------

This episode Outbreak was really good. I liked this one way better than Infestation. Not necessarily because there was more action, but it was just much more thrilling. I feared for a lot of people’s lives and that’s kind of what I was expecting from an Aliens Series.

To me I think your first episode should be more like this one. More fast-paced, thrilling and all that good stuff so you can really get the audience’s attention. Then in the next episode you can kind of lay back. This is just my opinion and advice of course. But if you tried your best to make this episode the first I think you’d have more long term readers.

Another thing that made this episode outshine the first was that you included an awesome cliffhanger at the end. The first episode didn’t have a big enough cliffhanger, especially for the first episode.

This might sound like a stupid question, but is this fan-fiction, or did you have plans to see if the franchise would consider actually doing this? If the latter then you should make this look like a spec script. In spec scripts there are no transitions, like cut to’s and no “we”s in the dialogue.

-On the Uzm Azuera I think the soldier’s personalities need to differ more. Some of them seem just a like, while only a few, like Goose, stand out. All of the soldiers need to stand out in some way.

Technical Stuff
-On scene headings just put Day or Night. The audience knows it’s LATER.
-You used a pause instead of a beat on page 13, is there a difference?
-What’s a super face-hugger?
-On page 24 you have a 13 line paragraph. That’s way too long. Big blocky paragraphs like that are very unattractive.
-On page 31, “His last scream ever is not needed in the action paragraph.” Just doesn’t read well and it is uneeded.

Great read Sniper.

Good Luck.

Hi Tyler,

Thanks for the great reviews and excellent pointers.

It's clear to me now that I have to beef up Episode 1 a notch or two. I'm currently in the process of writing Episode 3 and when that's done, I will revisit Episode 1. One major obstacle though is the timeline. The alien reproduction cycle does take a certain number of hours so I can't just have the action go off from the start. Also, I had to establish the characters so that the readers (viewers) actually feel/fear for them when the brown stuff hits the fan.

Another good point you make, is that I need to treat all readers as someone who doesn't know anything about the alien biology. That will be addressed when I revisit Episode 1 and possibly 2. On a related note, I can tell you that the super facehugger was introduced in the extended version of Alien³. Although it's never shown (only theorized) it presumably impregnates the host with a queen embryo, instead of your regular run-of-the-mill alien (if such a thing even exists).

Regarding the technical stuff (format and spelling), there will be a major overhaul once Episode 3 is done.

Regards

Robert