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A Trip to Zoo (currently 4218 views) |
Don |
Posted: November 21st, 2006, 4:42pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16369 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Trip to Zoo, A by Anthony Hudson - Short, Comedy - All Pete wants to do is buy some train tickets and win his bet. How hard can it be, well it depends on the rules. 15 pages - pdf, format |
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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
bert - February 9th, 2007, 5:40pm | | |
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alffy |
Posted: November 22nd, 2006, 3:19pm |
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Old Timer
LocationThe bleak North East, England Posts2187 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
This is something I wrote as an exercise, and as a break when I got a bit of writers block while working on my first feature. I hope you can work out the concept of this story, and what the bet involves. lol. |
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Reply: 1 - 41 |
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CindyLKeller |
Posted: November 25th, 2006, 8:13am |
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Old Timer
Posts1467 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Hey Anthony,
I just finished reading your short. It's very visual. Good dialogue.
SPOILERS
Okay, I read this twice. What I got out of it was two guys had a bet about using credit cards and something about the letter "Z". Two of the cards didn't work, but one card did. I'm not sure why. I don't use credit cards, so maybe that's why I didn't get it. It was still a good little short. You might want to check your page numbers though. They're off. I found a type o on page 6 where he said he was charged too much. You had "to".
Cindy
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| Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Reply: 2 - 41 |
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alffy |
Posted: November 25th, 2006, 11:42am |
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Old Timer
LocationThe bleak North East, England Posts2187 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Hey Cindy thanks for the review. The problem I had with the page numbers was when I created my script to pdf from finaldraft it wouldn't include the title page so I had to just add it as page 1.
SPOILER!!
A couple of people have read this short and haven't picked up on the bet thing, maybe its just not clear enough, I might need to work on it. The clue is the dialogue of Pete and also the title, which purposely leaves out the word 'the'. Meaning its a trip to the word zoo and not an actual place. its all too confusing I think. Anyway if you check out Pete's dialogue from when he approaches the ticket booth (hint check out the opening words each time he speaks). |
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Reply: 3 - 41 |
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CindyLKeller |
Posted: November 25th, 2006, 4:25pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1467 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Yes, now I am confused. ??? |
| Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Reply: 4 - 41 |
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alffy |
Posted: November 25th, 2006, 4:44pm |
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Old Timer
LocationThe bleak North East, England Posts2187 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Lol. Didn't want to spell it out but I will, your not the only one who didn't pick up on it. Like I said though it was just a challenge I set myself to see if I could do it and still have a readable scrit, so I guess I achieved it. Anyway....
SPOILER!!!
The bet is when Pete approaches the ticket booth he has to start his dialogue with a word that begins with the letter A, then his next begins with B and so on until he reaches Z. |
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Reply: 5 - 41 |
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CindyLKeller |
Posted: November 26th, 2006, 8:24am |
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Old Timer
Posts1467 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
alffy, Well, I'm glad you did. I never would have gotten that. Pretty neat. Cindy |
| Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Reply: 6 - 41 |
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aspiringwriter |
Posted: November 28th, 2006, 2:46pm |
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LocationEngland Posts4 Posts Per Day 0.00 |
cool idea and very well written.
Good Job! |
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Reply: 7 - 41 |
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alffy |
Posted: November 29th, 2006, 1:26pm |
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Old Timer
LocationThe bleak North East, England Posts2187 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Thanks aspringwriter glad you liked it. |
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Reply: 8 - 41 |
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bert |
Posted: November 29th, 2006, 1:56pm |
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AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4232 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Umm....are you friends with aspiringwriter, Alffy? Just checking -- because that is fine.
But pretending to be someone else is not. |
| Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb! |
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Reply: 9 - 41 |
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alffy |
Posted: November 29th, 2006, 2:51pm |
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Old Timer
LocationThe bleak North East, England Posts2187 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Hey bert
Don't know whether thats an insult or not. Are you saying my sripts rubbish and no one would give it a good review?
No mate I don't know aspringwriter and it aint me either.
I don't think its an insult by the way, Lol.
just glad someone else gave my short a read even if it is a first timer. |
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Reply: 10 - 41 |
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alffy |
Posted: November 29th, 2006, 2:55pm |
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Old Timer
LocationThe bleak North East, England Posts2187 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Hey bert I appolgise, I just checked the email and discovered its my fiancee who didn't mention to me that she had joined.
Sorry bout that. Lol |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
alffy - November 29th, 2006, 4:29pm | | |
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Reply: 11 - 41 |
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bert |
Posted: November 29th, 2006, 4:31pm |
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AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4232 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Well, there you go. Hey -- I thought that said girlfriend a minute ago...and now it's fiancee.... She must really like your work.
Are you saying my sripts rubbish and no one would give it a good review? |
Of course not. But it's hard to make a question sound "polite" on the internet. And people set up false accounts to praise their own work more often than you might think. Needless to say, it is frowned upon. |
| Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb! |
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Reply: 12 - 41 |
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aspiringwriter |
Posted: November 29th, 2006, 5:17pm |
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LocationEngland Posts4 Posts Per Day 0.00 |
It did say girlfriend....but i corrected him...lol sorry if i caused a misunderstanding!!!! Was just trying to offer some anonymous support |
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Reply: 13 - 41 |
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alffy |
Posted: January 8th, 2007, 5:22pm |
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Old Timer
LocationThe bleak North East, England Posts2187 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Thanks for posting the new draft Don. |
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Reply: 14 - 41 |
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