Lights, Camera, Action? by Matthew (dressme) - Short - Bill, fresh into college, tries to win over a girl by casting her in a film of his.  Only problem is that he has no film, no equipment, and no means of pulling this off within a weeks time. 23 pages - pdf, format

This is going to be my senior thesis, so any feedback would be much appreciated.  We start shooting next March, so I've got plenty of time.

Hey Mattew it was one of best scripts I've read here on this SS, dude. Another masterpiece from you. Really it cracked me up, man. some dialogues killed me laughing a lot. Page 19 and 20 were magnificent. Star Wars script drafts...Hahahaha! Great and funny pair: Bill & Tim

Let me congratulate you for this very clever writting and to say I'm very proud to be part in this SimplyScript with you.

BTW, Mattew, there are more scripts on The Cab's Tales thread, take a look at it, dude!

Quoted from Helio Hey Mattew it was one of best scripts I've read here on this SS, dude. Another masterpiece from you. Really it cracked me up, man. some dialogues killed me laughing a lot. Page 19 and 20 were magnificent. Star Wars script drafts...Hahahaha! Great and funny pair: Bill & Tim Let me congratulate you for this very clever writting and to say I'm very proud to be part in this SimplyScript with you. BTW, Mattew, there are more scripts on The Cab's Tales thread, take a look at it, dude!

Thanks for the great comments, Helio!  I started reading The Cab Tale at work the other day, but had to close it due to its....umm...extreme nature.  But I'll get back to reading then when I'm not in an office setting.

I found this one to be pretty good.  I actually preferred it over Based on a True Story" myself.  Just something about it, the formula and the way it flowed and what not.  I also thought that it was pretty cool to find some funny coincidences between this and one of my own scripts.  Character names and things they do and what not.

Anyway, this was good, and I'm sure the finished film will be funny as well.

Here is another script I stumbled across by accident without any knowledge it was on line.  Need to have a better system for writers to plug their scripts cause some times they post them and you wouldn't know.

Anyway i loved this script. It was solid. absalute solid.

It was funny  and I really dig the tone or feel you have for this story where you have losers with their crazy, desperate schemes that are just to silly to be practical and the hero will fail no matter what. i got this same vibe with the other script you posted on this web site and I love it. plus you seem to milk it to the max for comedy that is gold.

I wish I could write half as good as you. Keep up the great work cause I'd like to read more.

First off, in response to Kevan's reply, thank you for the lengthy commentary.  I would have to disagree with you, however, and say that I enjoy LCA much more than I do S:TM!....but that's just my preference.  Stomach, if anything, would be something I would write into a feature.  I would never try and take it on all by myself.

S:TM is certainly my most unique short that I've written (not all are posted on SS), but it's also the one that's in need of the most work.

Thank you for all the formatting corrections as well.

Quoted from tonkatough Anyway i loved this script. It was solid. absalute solid.

Thanks a lot!  I still need to do a couple more revisions on it, but it's basically the way I want it.  I want to add more to the opening so it doesn't being so suddenly.  But we'll see.

I've gotten pretty good at taking harsh criticism.  I've been taking it since I was 14 years old, when I handed my mom my first script, she read the first page and asked "Did you steal this from something?"  To which I replied "No." and then she put it down saying "I'll see it when you make it."

Now, that's criticism!

Anyways...like I said, this is my senior thesis, so I need all the critiques I can get.  So I'll be happy to read any script in exchange for a review on this.

Just checked this one out, Dressel. I’m always curious to check new writers on this board. Overall, this was a pleasant read. I’ll start by mentioning what I believe are your strengths.

Realistic dialogue which sounded natural, except maybe from Bill’s long speech at the end (a bit too long and on the nose). But overall, dialogue lines were pretty good.

Good scene descriptions and good writing style. It read pretty fast which is a very good sign.

Some good transitions in here as well (i.e. cutting right to Bill reading the judge’s order right after his long apology to Linda). Transitions can be a very effective tool to get a laugh out of the reader, and seldom do writers take full advantage of this resource. So good job on that.

Some aspects of this story felt quite clichéd, like Bill looking at a girl instead of paying attention in class... There’s lot of things that we know a guy would do to get a girl and promising to be someone he isn’t, is not something new really.

Kenny, who appeared to be just a fanboy stereotype at first, turned out to be an injection of fresh air to this story. Some of his scenes had me chuckling.

Bill’s last lines were a suitable ending. They were good to round his character (he didn’t learn the lesson) and give the story some sense of closure.

Overall it was good. But I think you could do better.

First off, let me start off by thanking you for reading the script.  I'll take a gander at one of yours when I'm done typing this.

I'm kind of dismayed by the reactions LCA? is getting.  I understand the script doesn't break new ground or anything, but I figured if I made it interesting enough, no one would really care.  Also, seeing as I'll be directing this myself, I hope to inject something more into it with the actual finished product.

Quoted from Mr.Z Some aspects of this story felt quite clichéd, like Bill looking at a girl instead of paying attention in class...

Man, I'm a living cliche.

Quoted from Mr.Z Kenny, who appeared to be just a fanboy stereotype at first, turned out to be an injection of fresh air to this story. Some of his scenes had me chuckling.

I didn't write this script alone; I actually wrote it with someone else, and he added the character of Kenny.  However, when he added Kenny, it really was more of a cliche.  I had to do some major operating to make the character the way I wanted him.  Actually, his version of the script was A LOT different and featured a love story with Emily and a brand-new, even happier ending.  By the end, the only thing that remained of his was a couple characters and some bits of dialogue.  [/quote]

Quoted from Mr.Z Overall it was good. But I think you could do better.

You might be interested in reading "Stomach:The Movie!".  It's one of the more different things I've done.

Thanks again for the read!