Xmas Tales - A Lone Hand by Helio J Cordeiro & Kevan R Craft - Short - Charlie Bookowski, a struggling alcoholic writer stranded in Vietnam during one Christmas, battles with his demons and gambles on a lone hand. 6 pages - pdf, format

Jesus what's with these Xmas Tales, I think they should be called Xmas Tails!

I thought this was good and for some reason I didn't see the end coming (no pun intended), despite the clue in the title.  Your descriptions really played out the bleakness of the surroundings and Charlie's future.

Oh was 'O' a reference to a rather famous director who was a photographer in Vietnam and then went on to direct a brilliant movie based on the events he witnessed?  Maybe it wasn't but it got me thinking of Stone anyway.

Good work mate.

Helio and Kevan,

I thought this was different... original... and different.
I'm not used to reading stuff like this. You made me blush.  

The twist was pretty clever, and the descriptions were written beautifully.

I have one question though. You described the hand as "shaved". How would we know it had been shaved? Maybe "smooth" or "silky"?

I know that was nit-picky, but there's nothing else to nit pick at.  

You two write well together,

Cindy

Helio,

Unlike Cyndi, this script did not make me blush. I'm too used to your stories .

SPOILERS:

I sensed a lot of anger, bitterness and loneliness in this script. That was probably your intention so you succeeded there.

I think by mentioning that the hand was shaved, you gave away the ending. Let us believe it's a woman's hand.

I didn't quite understand the reason for the shooting though.

Anyways, I'm glad you've found someone who can help you with your scripts and still leave the Helio feel intact.

Well, this was certainly a different kind of Christmas story. I don't know about everyone else but a failed writer guzzling Jack Daniels in Vietnam doesn't sound like a happy Christmas to me. Nevertheless, I found the story refreshing for exactly that reason. I like dark and dark and Christmas work well together if done right. I thought the whole "shaved hand" bit was a little weird at first (who shaves their hands, after all?) but the ending made everything clear. Not many problems here. Although there doesn't seem to be too much going on in the story, I certainly enjoyed the tone. It was different and in this case, different is good.

Good job, Helio and Kevan.

Hey Helio

I have waited to let this story sink in a bit. The dialogue was fantastic throughout this piece. Great job!

As I was reading I really thought that the main character was going to shoot an ugly chick after she collected his money shot. You surprised me with a twisted ending. I kind of saw it coming "no pun" but didn't want to swallow it (no pun).

I think this story could really be stretched out to a some sort of a feature. This could actually be a scene out of a larger picture. As always you aim to please the reader with your clever twists and wit. Two thumbs and one sweat sock up.

Spnecer

I thought this script was well written, the story was there and I found it to be an enjoyable read.  It had a sort of a MASH feel about it.  Though I can understand why the ending was chosen I'm not certain I liked the ending as it was a bit on the silly side - perhaps something with more grit might have been appropriate.

Wow...liked a lot of things about the script.  i liked the direction it took.  I liked the dark sick twist to it.  It was interesting and kept me reading.  I just had a couple problems.

First I didn't like the dialogue.  I didn't believe more than half of it.  The character was obsessively swearing and it didn't make him seem poetic...or disturbed...it just made him seem stupid and I don't think that's what you wanted.  The swearing breaks up the rythm of the peice and you don't want that espicially in a short.  Lines like, "So do fuckin' I?"  Over the top.

There were some other things that bothered me.  Why Vietnam?  Besides shock and awe, why exactly is this writer in Vietnam?  Also, why is this set a Christmas?  These things seem like cheap tricks to make the script a little more interesting.  However the script stands so well on it's own, why would you need those tricks?

To sum it up.  Fantastic story.  Haunting, disturbing.  Generally a great idea.  But it all seemed too contrived on paper.

What? Charlie Bookowski ... Charles Bukowski, a writer I love! In a sense you captured his essence. I read this twice, sober, and, then again, drunk -- as Bukowski himself would have been if he read this.

It was interesting. I loved the setting, Vietnam, the slatted shutters -- I could feel it.

Still, this is not Bukowski, the greatest writer/drunk that ever lived. Still, I suspect he would have loved this! He was an outsider. A guy that wrote without regard to opinion. He wrote what he wanted to to write, He was honest, he was real. These are values that most of us forget or ignore -- in an attempt to make a name for ourselves.

Jesus! The only complaint that I have is that your story, when read drunk, (as Bukowski himself would have been), makes no sense. LOL -- perhaps this is exactly what Bukowski would've wanted?!  ...Or maybe I am just too drink to make sense of it. LOL ...!!!

Jesus, perhaps you've captured his essence!

Whatever the case, I am going to, in the poetry forum, post more of his poems. He is great!

I appreciate your homage to him!

Seth

Hey guys thanks a lot for the reviews!

"A guy that wrote without regard to opinion. He wrote what he wanted to to write, He was honest, he was real. These are values that most of us forget or ignore -- in an attempt to make a name for ourselves. "


Hey Seth, it is very true, dude. I write what I want. It is the best thing that everyone can do when decides to write: write what his mind tells to write. But the more important is being happy with its writing. That's all!

Yeah, it was a simple, but true homage to the most bright pevert writer ever:

Charles Bukowvisk

Thanks a lot for your review, Seth.

Sorry meu amigo, but this time, I'm not buying it. It's a good story, well told, well built, but I don't like it. Maybe it's not my universe. Too much sordid and depressive for a Xmas tale (anyway Xmas is not very present here)

******************SPOLIERS************

How do we know the action is set in VietNam? You tell about monsoon season. It could be a hard rain day. Charlie says "One day I met---- in Saigon". It could be years ago. You'd better introduce your dialog with "Yesterday---" or "The other day--

You could have make him imagine a drunker delirium. I don't know why, on my first reading, I imagined an independant (Adam's Family's style), old and skinny, more in E.A. Poe's atmosphere. The end would have been more surprising.

I'm only trying to be constructive. You look to me like locking yourself in a kind a soft pornography atmosphere which destroys your stories.
     
Merry Xmas anyway.

Michel

Hi, Michel!

Thanks for your coment, mon ami. Every coment from you is welcome ever.

It was a homage to someone that was so loneness and depressed.

Vietmam was just a simbol, like Argel or Baghdad, Karbala...

Sex for me is like to dinner or to shop. Both are pleasure things to do, but love is different.

I gave to Charlie an oportunity to give up of things rpepresented by a lone hand. It was making his life very boring and repetivive.

I'm not sure about your comment about Christmas time...I don't know how could be Christmas in a dirty slum in Africa or in Ramalah, but I know how sad is in some place here in Brazil's shanty towns. It's for me more dirty than to talk about sex.

At least, Charlie choose a good time to make a reflection, in order to change, making a resolution and getting an attitude, even if it will hurt so much on him. If many governants was like Charlie the world could be better now, mon ami!

Merry Christmas!

Hey Helio,

I thought this was actually quite good.

I dunno why, but this reminds me of the opening of Apocalypse now with Martin Sheen in the hotel room.

I don't think you need to say shaved hand, the nail polish was good enough, at first I thought he may have been with a transvestite.

This was a sad Christmas story, along with Pia's this deals with loneliness as well, Heck I just submitted a christmas story that deals with that issue as well, I think loneliness and Christmas seem to go together like peanut butter and jelly, which I think is not a good thing.

I think you did a good job here.

Hi Jordan! Thanks man for your reading. I appreciated it indeed. Yeah, a shaved hand is suspicious, ins't it? Apocalpse Now?  It was a compliment. Wow.

Christmas is time to think and Charlie thought. Christmas is time to make a resolution and Charlie did. Charlie sacrified himself to be better, most of people around there don't and continue being the same.

Merry X-mas, Jordan!

PS: When your Xmas script get posted I'll read it!

Some may say this is pointless, but then other would say this is just an example of supreme desperation pushed by failure and loneliness. I felt the emotion in this short, so i spose that was displayed well but i still ask myself, whats the point?

Well written, both technically and emotionally even if it shows a very daunting image. Something that i don't particularly want to see affiliated with Christmas.

Well done.

Quoted from The boy who could fly This was a sad Christmas story, along with Pia's this deals with loneliness as well, Heck I just submitted a christmas story that deals with that issue as well, I think loneliness and Christmas seem to go together like peanut butter and jelly, which I think is not a good thing.

I posted mine a few days ago and its a happy one. I'm the maverick thats putting Christmas and happy together. It's even got the word cheer in the title.