Confucius & the Quest For Nessie by Alex Cooper - Short - An extremely short account of a lesser known quest taken by Confucius. 4 pages - pdf, format

SPOILER SPACE

This would've been a better story if you explained why Confucius was in Loch Ness and how he knew of the future.  What you wrote left me hanging.


Phil

Hey Alex,

Well, I think you wrote this very well, but the problem I had was, well, I just didn't get it, i didn't know you were trying to say, or if this was a parody in some way, Confucius meets the loch Ness monster, it almost sounds like a Saturday afternoon matinee.  I liked the descriptions, I liked the dialogue, but this needs more, maybe another 5-6 pages.  I think you may have something, I just don't know what?

There are a number of different ways you could approach this type of story.  One is the purely historical and factual approach.  I am fairly certain this is the approach you were taking. However, this is a fairly dull approach to the subject - you might want to try another.

One approach is be historical and factual but add off the wall humour.  This is the approach taken by Larry Gonick in "Cartoon History of the Universe" - which is a series of books I would recommend to you (from your script I am certain you would enjoy them).  Vol 2 deals extensively with Chinese history.

The other approach is to treat it as a "koan".  Koans are buddhist teaching stories and Confucius often appears in them. Your script had the tone of a koan but it explained far too much.

Great idea though and good work.

OK, unlike the above three posters, I actually think this script is perfect. You established tone and mood very, very quickly and you wrapped it up as well as it could be done. If you muddle around with it too much, you could squelch what you already have, but do it if you feel it is right.

I'm going to take a minute here to ramble about the fantastic dialog in this script. I know you've recently developed an intense interest in philosophy and the man known as Confucius seems to be somewhat of a focal point at the moment. Your descriptions of character and what Confucius says about himself in this script are obviously well researched (though I suspected you've taken 99% of it from his Wikipedia site). He is a great character, I liked what he had to say very much.

Ultimately, the script (especially the dialog) was very, very well done. You've managed to tap into the weird, fascinating way philosophers speak. It is intensely interesting and I actually went back and re-read the script the moment I had finished reading the final page. As a side note, I would like to mention that this script was a kind of competition thing between me and Ape. I was going to write one where Confucius met Nessie as well. I suppose Ape won seeming how he actually finished his. Fortunately for us all (me included) we shall never have to suffer the horrors and torment that would be my version of this script.

Congratulations, Ape. You have completed the finest thing you've ever written. I hope I can expect many, many more scripts of this caliber from you in the future. Well done again. I loved everything about this script.


Cheers, Chismeister.

Thanks Chism for that wonderfully uplifting review, though i know that it is slightly biased. You have read my worst, so i assume reading this would've blown your mind if compared to my first script, Fear is a Four Letter Word.

Phil, i tried to say that he was in the Loch Ness because his mother had just died and he was sort of lost... A mourning thing. Not everything needs an explanation, him talking about his future was just a more personal approach on narration.

Jordan (I'm pretty sure thats your name), I had the same sense of confusion writing the script. There is no message, its no parody and it does deserve more depth. I plan to expand it, today or tomorrow, and give it some justice.

mcornetto, the books do sound interesting, I'll head over to the Library and check 'em out, in both meanings of the phrase.

Thanks everyone for reading and have a look out for the expanded version.

Hi Alex,

I read your script twice and I also read through this thread. Seems to me that you and Chismeister knew what this is about and therefore are able to understand and appreciate the story.

The problem is, for those of us who don't know anything about this guy, the story makes no sense. I guess it went totally over my head (I'm uneducated).

I think when you write something like this you have to decide if you want to write for an exlusive group that's already familiar with it or if you are writing for the masses. If you are writing for the masses, just assume that we are the dumb masses and need some explaining, otherwise we'll be lost.

The writing itself was nice though.  

Thanks Pia for reading. Your right, me and Chism knew what was the haps, but only slightly. Last week i knew nothing of Confucius except the name, now i know a bit about him, but if someone who actually studied Confucius read the script, they'de probably pass it off as stupid.

Quoted from tomson I think when you write something like this you have to decide if you want to write for an exlusive group that's already familiar with it or if you are writing for the masses. If you are writing for the masses, just assume that we are the dumb masses and need some explaining, otherwise we'll be lost.

This is the conclusion i came to when deciding if i should extend the short. I didn't, instead i wrote and posted my own Chirstmas tale! Look out for it, its CHRISTMASTASTIC!

I think your friend Chism was a bit too gushy, Alex.  His review is a bit unseemly, if not disingenuous.  Just saying.  But he got me to look at your story, too, so whatever, you know?

Having said all that, I actually liked this quite a bit.

It's clever -- if a bit short -- and it carries that elusive feeling of something deeper going on.

I would change something, however.

I would make all of Kong Qui's lines (V.O.) -- all but that very last one, where his eyes snap open.  That should be the only line he speaks aloud.

Quoted from bert I think your friend Chism was a bit too gushy, Alex.  His review is a bit unseemly, if not disingenuous.  Just saying.  But he got me to look at your story, too, so whatever, you know?

Yeah i noticed that too. He's read my worse so... and plus he's a friend so all his reviews of my work are gonna be subconsciously biased.

Quoted from bert I would make all of Kong Qui's lines (V.O.) -- all but that very last one, where his eyes snap open.  That should be the only line he speaks aloud.

Thats a good idea, I've made the changes, but i won't re post it. I'll just keep it in my folder till i find away to adapt it without changing the mood.

Hi Alex,

Given that you're a regular, one that takes the time to review other member's scripts, I thought it was about time that I reviewed one of yours.

Most respondents will, no doubt, focus on your story. This is as it should be. I, though, like to look at particulars.

First, your opening discriptive is replete with grammatical errors. As it is, I'm not sure, barring a complete rewrite, it can be fixed.  The reality is, a screenplay doesn't have to be perfect. Screenwriting is a poetic form and, thus, can include run-on sentences, among other "errors." Still, your opening shouldn't tell the reader that you, the author, haven't any regard for the written word -- think about commas and periods. As it is, I, the reader, have to insert commas and periods  -- meaning I have to reread what I've already read to makes sense of what you're trying to convey.

For example, you wrote:

"My name is Kong Qie, in five hundred years Matteo Ricci will Latinise my name, the world will rename me Confucius."  

Awful!

My g/f is returning to school this Janurary. She's already picked up her books. One is, "Rules For Writers," a style book. I encourage you to pick one up. These can be found at any university book store, (used). Grammar matters. It really does. If I was a professional reader and read the first paragraph of your script, I'd toss it.

Mind you, you might be an excellent story teller, but if you can't tell a story that makes sense in terms of grammar, it'll be tossed.

Seth

It's spelt Kong Qiu... Aw, cheap shot for me. Your extremely right though, my comma placings are 90% guess and should be 100% grammatic knowledge. Since i've fallen upon some Christmas and B'day money i might just go and buy myself a book regarding proper grammar.

You'd think i'd know my basic grammar since i just graduated High School, but the truth is i didn't give english lessons my full attention. It's only now, after school, have i had the urge to advance my english skills. Kind of weird, aye? In the last two month i think i've expanded my vocabulary two fold.

Thanks for the read and thanks for the compliment on my storytelling.

P.S. Should it have been:

My name is Kong Qiu. In five
hundred years, Matteo Ricci
will Latinise my name. The
world will rename me Confucius.

Quoted from Alex J. Cooper It's spelt Kong Qiu... Aw, cheap shot for me. Your extremely right though, my comma placings are 90% guess and should be 100% grammatic knowledge. Since i've fallen upon some Christmas and B'day money i might just go and buy myself a book regarding proper grammar. You'd think i'd know my basic grammar since i just graduated High School, but the truth is i didn't give english lessons my full attention. It's only now, after school, have i had the urge to advance my english skills. Kind of weird, aye? In the last two month i think i've expanded my vocabulary two fold. Thanks for the read and thanks for the compliment on my storytelling..

Alex,

Having read your reviews of scripts, I already respected you (hence my candid response to your script). But, now, having read your reply to my comments, which were, admittedly harsh, I like ya.

I wouldn't have been so critical if I didn't think you wanted critical responses -- if you wanna improve, you'll welcome such responses -- and you did -- we're all here to improve, myself included.  

English is a bitch. Like I said, It doesn't have to be perfect. Still, it should approximate something close to perfect, at least if you want to write on a professional level.

I, in high school, ignored English. In college, I continued to ignore it, until I decided I wanted to be a professional writer. Still, I think there is room to fudge, to maneuver, to
take poetic licence.

You're ahead of the curve. You, obviously, take this shit seriously. If you didn't, I wouldn't waste my time (nor would you).

Seth

Huh?

This one was odd. Did Nessie kill his mother or something? And is he trying to kill or capture the monster? I didn't get it.

The parts about the dates 526 B.C.? What is that a reference to? Is that when this story is supposed to have happened? You should probably SUPER: LOCHNESS LAKE 526 B.C. at the beginning if this is the case. 'cuz we also wouldn't know where we were or what is happening if we were watching this as a short film.

The dialogue I think should also be in V.O. And should lead us on to tell what he's going to do. He's talking to us, but he's telling us information that doesn't have much to do with what we want to know.

There were a couple spelling and grammar errors.

And until the monster is found, you probably shouldn't call it a she and call it an it, as it's gender is thus far undetermined.