That's The Girls by Helio J Cordeiro - Short - Robin Montel has to travel long way through to see how painful the end could be. 10 pages - pdf, format

Helio -- Once again you have written a distrubingly twisted story. Hey, I loved it and I laughed at the dildo referrence. Seems some people might think you are rude or writing porn. I know form experience. I believe all good stories should have a dildo as a prop.

I do have some thoughts for you to consider.

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First: Don't tell us what is happening -- show us. Here is an example: Your action says "fucks the dark haired lady." I know you can be more visual than that helio. How does Robin fuck her.  Show the reader.

Here is another example:A guy, about 27, ROBIN MONTEL, mounts onto a DARK HAIREDGIRL, about 19, from behind on a bed. Both are naked.

Try this: ROBIN MONTEL (27) rythmiclly penetrates a naked darkhaird girl doggystyle.

Second: Give your character names. I feel more attached when you do that. Although, after reading your script I know why you did not give them names  up front. You didn't want to give the story away.

Third: This one is very important to me. Your character. Their dialogue is very important. As I read you script some dialgue was really good and some seemed stilted. Here is a tip from my own writing mind. Close you eyes and see your character in their roll. What do they look like. Feel how they feel. If you were being raped what would you really say, feel, and do? Go deep... and i don't mean with a dildo.

Fourth: Your descriptions are very detailed. Try to keep them to a bare minimum. Some say they don't care for my fragments as I write. I say directors, producers, and actors would rather read fragments. They are quicker and leave out a lot of the directors job. Let the director do his job. You do you job. Be the writer and only the writer.

And last: You told a good story as you always do. I was a bit confused up front. About halfway through the story you hooked me and I was off to see how the story would finish. As you are a master of doing you twisted it and left us with that awful taste in our mouth. Great Job! You are good at that and I like the twist.

Helio -- Keep writing. Every story gets much better.

Spencer

Helio,

That was definitely weird - which is good. The tone was good but it seemed to get a bit muddled and confused toward the end - the three stooges part.  I think it was because you were trying to be humourous with it.

All in all a good job.

pg 5
Snow White
onto the floor
pg 7
goatee?
take a seat
pg 8
bad ass
half as good as what I though she'd be

if he's done so many girls how is he going to tell one from the description given. Show him a picture.

Curly wouldn't say fucker.

pg 10
goatee
you don't need 'the famous' just we're "The Girls".

Hi MC and Michael( I'll read your short soon) Okay, okay, I know, but it is me, you know. Just rest to say: Thanks a lot, fellas!

I'll take the adivices seriously.

BTW, happy 2007 for you two!