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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Confessions Moderators: bert
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  Author    Confessions  (currently 2829 views)
Don
Posted: December 30th, 2006, 10:01am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Confessions by Joseph Cahill (medstudent) - Drama, Suspense - A priest in search of salvation must face his demons inside and out and must kill those after him before they get him. 132 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 20th, 2014, 5:58pm
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sniper
Posted: January 10th, 2007, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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Dear Joseph,

Here is my review of 'Confessions'.

!!!SPOILERS!!!

The Story.
This is a tough one because I'm not entirely sure what the plot in 'Confessions' is. Mcready turns from a young punk to a priest to an assassin with a conscience, that much I get. Something happened to him after he was shot by Titus, that's for sure. I would have liked to know more about that period of his life. Also, Father Thomas obviously played an important role in Mcready's younger years and I would also have liked some more info here (and why he dies), perhaps in flashbacks.

But what puzzles me the most is that I don't know why these people has to die. Some of the ones he kills obviously are pre-emptive strikes, but why was Detective Philemon targeted in the first place? Also, why is Mcready sick? Though it is never stated directly, I somehow feel that the Church's growing involvement in pedophile cases plays a part in this story. I might be way off target here but if that is in fact the case, then I think you should expand on that.

The victims (including Mcready) all had a near death experience. I think they died and I think they met Dominus on the other side, got a second chance at life. But is Dominus the Devil? Is he God/Jesus? The Grim Reaper? When I finished your script I was left with more questions that I felt comfortable with.

By the way, what did the roaches symbolize?

The characters.
I found Mcready exceptionally well described. I felt him and I felt with him. Great work. Philemon was also very well written. While he at first comes off as your standard run-of-the-mill hard-ass detective, that changes when you introduce his father who - I can only imagine - suffers from Alzheimer's. That was a great twist and gave the Philemon character much more depth.

The rest of the characters are more or less not described, not that it's terribly needed as they don't play an essential part in the story. But I would have liked to know a bit more about Dominus.

The fact that Judaus turns out to be a 'bad guy' in the end isn't that difficult to figure out. He is in too many scenes, doing nothing basically, not to play an important part later on in the story. So it is really not a surprise when he turns in the end. you should probably take another look at him.

Also, with a few exceptions, all the characters are men and that's okay, but I would probably throw a woman more in there. Instead of it being Philemons father who is ill, you could easily make it his mother.

The dialog.
While not blowing me away, what little dialog there is in this script is okay. But there is way way way too little dialog. All of the dialog combined probably doesn't amount to much more than 7 or 8 pages. That is not good enough in a 81 page script - especially for a drama. Dialog is king - it can tell a whole story on its own. More is urgently needed. Another thing is that you tend to overuse parentheticals, also when its not dialog related. That's a big no-no.

The writing.
You can write - no doubt about that. You are very articulate and inventive. Your description of the surroundings and specific objects are incredibly well written. I really liked the opening scene a lot, a great way to start the story. The doll/roach house is such a brilliant idea - it's both disturbing and funny. Kudos. But you tend to describe every movement and expression in great detail. An example of this is when Mcready is swallowing some pills (p. 23) that sequence fills almost 4 lines. That's overkill and it slows everything down. That is also why your script is not a fast read. It takes a very long time to get through each scene because there's so much description. If you want the script to be a pageturner, you should consider trimming a lot of it away as it doesn't move the story along.

There's a couple of typo's here and there, but it's small stuff. One page 3 you write 'The dramatic music ends with a crash of symbols'. I'm pretty sure you meant 'cymbals' and not 'symbols'. At the bottom of page 62 you write 'Detective Amos sat at a desk on the telephone'. You are using past tense here. Also, you mention a handgun called American Eagle, do you mean the Desert Eagle handgun? I know there is a gun called American Eagle but it seems a strange choice of weapon for an assassin.

Overall.
I think - with some plot work and a lot more dialog - this could turn into a really interesting script. Keep up the good work.


Robert


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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medstudent
Posted: January 12th, 2007, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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Sniper,
First thanks for the review. I hate answering questions, because that means I have fallen short of writing a complete story. But I'll try to answer some of yours.



Quoted Text
The victims (including Mcready) all had a near death experience. I think they died and I think they met Dominus on the other side, got a second chance at life. But is Dominus the Devil? Is he God/Jesus? The Grim Reaper?


Yes, you've gotten this part correct. I initially worte the part of Dominus with the intent on making him "god" with his character name being just that. After I got several negative comments about that I changed the name to a more ambiguous one. Although "Dominus" is just another name for "God" is you must know. Overall I wanted Dominus to be a mix, sort of. A little bit of what God is...a little bit of the Devil.


Quoted Text
you tend to describe every movement and expression in great detail. An example of this is when Mcready is swallowing some pills (p. 23) that sequence fills almost 4 lines. That's overkill and it slows everything down.


Yes, I've been told this. I think I try to write like the French filmakers do. I love foriegn movies, especially those from France, because they take an otherwise innocuous scene and draw it out almost uncomfortably. For instance, a movie  I saw a while back had a scene with a young girl standing in front of an older gentleman's desk. Just standing there. On the man's desk was a stuffed cat. For at least five minutes the scene played without any dialogue and with the gentleman touching the stuffed cat's head making meowing noises while the girl watched. It was fantastic! I don't even remember the rest of the movie just that one scene. I like to see a scene stew. If done correctly can create a very dramatic and tense moment. Makes you a little uncomfortable watching.


Quoted Text
One page 3 you write 'The dramatic music ends with a crash of symbols'. I'm pretty sure you meant 'cymbals' and not 'symbols'.


Thanks. You're the first to catch that.

Again, thanks for the review. I will and do take into consideration all opinions and recommendations. Thanks.

Joseph


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tonkatough
Posted: January 13th, 2007, 6:44am Report to Moderator
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I'm up to page 26 so far with your script and I am enjoying it.

I really like the way you have written action. It is very visual and stylish. Which I think is very important because the script is a blue print for a movie and movies are supposed to be "moving pictures"

So when I read your action I just don't read words, your writing puts very clear images in my mind. and that's the way it should be.

I really dig some of the imagery such as the puppet show, the cockroach doll house and a priest on a roof with a sniper rifle. Top stuff and enjoyable to read.

The only thing I see missing so far is a solid story.  But i wil lread some more before I comment on that cause I could be wrong.

but yeah so far the visual style is very rich and striking and I like it.  


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tonkatough
Posted: January 15th, 2007, 5:32am Report to Moderator
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Still reading this when I can in what little spare time i have at the moment. I am up to page 60 and yeah I am enjoying it.  You've got a script about priests packing an arsenal of guns and knives. What's not to like about that.

Having being raised as a Catholic myself, all of the priests I ever knew where old, placcid and half drunk from their enjoyment of slurping cheap red wine (blood of christ)

But your concept of priest who are laconic, hard arsed secret warriors is a little unrealistic but by cripes it  is ubber cool.

So what exactly is Mcready doing? Is he taking out the garbage? competition?

While it clear your hero is on a mission and has a objective, from what I have read it is not clear what it is. I felt a little lost with the story.

The visual aspects of your script are brillant and very artistic. I reckon if this was to be filmed this script could get by on the visuals alone. So what if the story is fuzzy. David Lynch has been doing it for years.

Cockroaches are cool, cryptic dialouge is fantastic. There also lots of great scenes such as the confession where the priest is on the cell phone. and scene with a mosquito was just bizzare. But is it real? have you tried it? Is it fact? next time a mozzie latches onto my arm I am going have to try your trick to see if it is possible.

Yes the story for this is vauge and very loose with scenes that seem a little random. But I have no problem with that as it seem to create a lot of mystery and surreal oddness. For me this was like an  art house movie where the style is more important then the substance. I am not sure if this was your intention.

Will read the ending and tell you all about it.      


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tonkatough
Posted: January 17th, 2007, 6:10am Report to Moderator
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finish.

This was a great script, A pleasure to read. The story was a little hazy and I couldn't pin point the point of it all other than priest hunt down and kill other priest. But this is part of the appeal of this script as it comes across as very enigmatic and strange. Like what is the go with all priest the hero kill- including himself -have all been killed before and brought back to life by paramedics. What are you trying to say? They all brought something back with them? Evil? Sin? Thye are ressurected just like good old JC? So many way you interupt this.

I like the concept of Dominus hint at that maybe Earth is Heaven, Eden or what ever you want to call it and thus why man will never accend to heaven cause he is already there. Wouldn't that be a kick to the teeth for all christians and other religious people if it was true, But same how I doubt it but a cool idea.

Like I said this could be a very spooky art house movie and I'll give you ten out of ten just for writing something that is unique and personal and not some cookie cutter formula genre stuff that a lot of writers here churn out.
    


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TAnthony
Posted: January 18th, 2007, 11:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Medstudent. “Confessions” was a good script with a cool, well thought out premise. I thought this was a huge step from your last.

Your dialogue is great. You’re supposed to have as little as possible and you definitely accomplished that. Your characters are colorful and lively. You’ve got that down really really really well. I mean your dialogue and characters are fantastic, but the overall story and plot needs help.

To me that’s this scripts biggest weakness -- the plot.

HUGE SPOILERS-----------------------------

While I was reading I took notes:

The puppet show was a great touch; it’s just another good atmospheric thing. You tend to do that a lot in your writing and it definitely works. Also good back and forth with the priest talking and the puppets fighting.

Your descriptions are very vivid and cool. It adds a good feel to the whole story with how much depth you put into them, but remember not to over step the bounds of having too much description in the script.

Just as a question did you give Judaus his name, after the man in the bible who betrayed Jesus. If so, cool.

You might not want to establish right off the bat that the man who walks into Mcready’s office is an Assassin. You could hold that off later and sort of use it as a surprise element. Right when I read that his character name was Assassin I knew he was going to go after Mcready. I think if you gave him another name the readers would be a tad bit more surprised and you could up the shock value when the Assassin appears again.

I don’t understand what the point of the bar scene was. The gigalo and the two men in the stalls together, while somewhat amusing and well thought out, was to me kind of pointless.

Wow I am flat out amazed. From page 24 to 27, when the Assassin was in Mcready’s car, was probably one of the best written scenes I’ve ever read. I can’t exactly describe to you how much I liked that scene, so I won’t even try, but I liked it a lot.

I think more history should be given of Father Thomas. Seemed really interesting.

All of Mcready’s hits so far have been very well written, but Ezekiel and Jeremiah’s are pretty close to the same. Very similar hits and none of the kills are actually seen. You write them in a way, that you don’t see the actual kill and that’s fine. But you should use that technique sparingly.

Not that big of a deal, but I’m seeing this more and more in scripts. Detective Bender is just another cliché hard ass cop. There might be nothing you can do about that, but his character has been seen a lot in movies.

Detective Philemon’s small sub-plot with his father for me is questionable. I don’t think that should be left in the script.

Too much of Billy’s incident with Titus is replayed on the projector when Mcready sees Dominus.

Dominus survived!? Wait how??

Maybe since you begin your script with a voiceover you should end it with one. Just a suggestion.

Here are my only real problems with the script:

-I think every scene that you have should progress the story in some way. You don’t really follow the “rules” of screenwriting plot wise, which is fine by me. I was never like that either, but it might be a good idea to refer to some books on it. It’s actually fine for me, maybe not everyone, to have a scene here and there that doesn’t really shove the plot forward, but you devote a lot of pages to scenes like that.
-Pick the right sub-plots to write about. The whole Detective Philemon and his father was a little unneeded. Maybe you can explore even more into Mcready’s history and Father Thomas’.
-Was it ever explained why Mcready was trying to kill Philemon in the beginning.
-You could also explain more of how the priest’s became hired killers.

Just out of plain curiosity where did you get inspiration to write this script, or actually how did you get the idea to do this? The premise for me was cool, but it just needed to be more in-depth.

Good Luck!


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

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medstudent
Posted: January 26th, 2007, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Tanthony,

Once again, thanks for the insightful review.


Quoted Text
Just as a question did you give Judaus his name, after the man in the bible who betrayed Jesus. If so, cool.


Good catch. In fact, 90 percent of the character's and church's names were taken from books and characters of the bible... Lamentations, Amos, Philemon, etc.


Quoted Text
You might not want to establish right off the bat that the man who walks into Mcready’s office is an Assassin. You could hold that off later and sort of use it as a surprise element.


I think you may be right on this.


Quoted Text
Wow I am flat out amazed. From page 24 to 27, when the Assassin was in Mcready’s car, was probably one of the best written scenes I’ve ever read.


Thanks for that.


Quoted Text
I think more history should be given of Father Thomas.


yes, again you are correct. On the next draft I'm going to go into more detail on the other character's histories. Reading responses to this, I think that is a big part that is missing with this screenplay. Too many character holes.


Quoted Text
Maybe since you begin your script with a voiceover you should end it with one. Just a suggestion


Again, I think you're exactly right. This will also be in the next draft.


Quoted Text
You could also explain more of how the priest’s became hired killers.


Again, this is going to be part of the history I'm going to add.


Quoted Text
Was it ever explained why Mcready was trying to kill Philemon in the beginning.


Another point that needs to be explained, I realize.


Quoted Text
Just out of plain curiosity where did you get inspiration to write this script, or actually how did you get the idea to do this?


The very first draft of the short of Confessions was written at the request of a production company in Belgium. (A couple of years ago I answered their ad on Simply Scripts.) The director sent me an idea of a priest who "owes" a gangster of sorts and goes to a bar to meet the guy. Not a treatment just notes of a a couple of scenes jotted down. I thought, wouldn't it be cool if the gangster guy was God. So, out came the first draft of the short. I sent it to the guy and he hated it. To keep a long story short, the guy didn't go through with it and dropped me. Unfortunately, I think, he took bits and pieces of that original short and stuck them in a movie that just wrapped. Dialogue, characters, scenes, etc. that I'd written. You can see the trailer here: http://www.macromovie.org/

Bitter? Never. Lesson learned, though. I guess you could say I owe him for the inspiration.

Anyways, from there it spawned into what is currently "Confessions". There you have it.


Thanks for the review.

Joseph






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movemycheese
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Hello Joseph,

I am new to this forum and even though I have read numerous scripts, I have never given any reviews, so I will do my best here.

!!!SPOILERS!!!

The Story

This is how I see it. If I am way off here, please let me know. The story portrays how a man named Mcready hunts down a number of highly corrupted priests/assassins. Including Mcready, these victims were all recruited by a person named Dominus who gave them a second chance at life. Dominus now uses these priests to get confessions and to pass judgment. The difference between Mcready and these other priests is that Mcready developed some sort of a conscience that drives him to stop the others in their act.

I am not completely sure as to why Mcready targets Detective Philemon at the beginning, but I think its because Mcready had originally intended to take the Detective down because he posed a threat to Dominus' scheme? Seeing Detective Philemon's son he decides against it. I think it's because he doesn't want the kid to grow up without a father, like Mcready did? The fact that Mcready is the illegitimate son of a priest and that he had a drug addiction in his early years seem to suggest that Mcready didn't have much of a father figure around when he was young. This Father-Son theme comes back in the form of Pops Philemon and Detective Philemon. Due to his Alzheimer's Pops isn't there anymore for his son; he actually doesn't even recognize his own son anymore. I am not sure if I am right about the whole "growing up without a father"-conscience kicking in for Mcready at that moment, but either way, I do think that you might wanna clarify that scene a bit. If it is indeed the "growing up without a father" theme, then you could perhaps insert a flashback the very moment the cross hairs are locked on Philemon's young son. The flashback could depict a moment when it really hurt Mcready to grow up without a strong father presence in his life. I really hope I am not too far off here, otherwise this entire paragraph could be classified as spam, haha.

Characters

Mcready lives. I am not sure how else to put it. Very well described, good depth, consistent. Detective Philemon has enough depth for the part that he plays. The same goes for most other characters. However, I think that a bit more background could be given for Father Thomas. His death seems to have quite a significance and is not really explained. I think Father Thomas got judged and murdered because of his sin (illegitimate son), but still. Dominus' depth is up for debate. For me, personally, the character of Dominus is fine the way it is. The ending leaves room for speculation and debate exactly because Dominus is not clearly defined. In this case I think it could be a positive thing if viewers would ask "And what about this Dominus guy?". For me, the vagueness surrounding Dominus doesn't really interfere with the story. But then again, I am a fan of David Lynch's work, so I might be a bit prejudiced here.

Writing

You are very descriptive and detailed, and good at that. Actually, the majority of the script consists of descriptions. There is really not much dialogue going on. It's not so much that the lack of dialogue 'bothered' me (I do think more dialogue would be good), but the dialogue didn't really excite me much. To me the most intriguing dialogue is the voice-over at the beginning. The rest is all very to-the-point, almost business like. I think it could be spiced up a bit. The descriptions, on the other hand, are excellent. I know there are some long descriptions in there, but I, personally, didn't have any problems with that. Indeed, as you mentioned kinda similar to some French movies. I was also, again, thinking of Lynch.

The opening is very strong, in my opinion. The switching between the church and the puppet show I liked a lot; it really builds tension. Combined with the voice-over, the puppet show provides a nice ominous tension. As another person mentioned before me, I also liked the scene when the Assassin is in Mcready's car. For the rest, I think the script is pretty solid, keeping a good steady pace, except for the bar scene.
To me the entire bar scene feels out of place. I am not really sure what purpose the scene serves, maybe to show the biblical element of Temptation? The gigolo tempting Mcready, even though Mcready doesn't even seem to be phased by the gigolo's advances. Or perhaps to confront Mcready with the sins that are continually committed inside the bar and its restroom? I am really reaching here.

Personally, I think you literally overloaded the script with symbolism and metaphors. The naming of the characters, puppet show, roaches, statues. I am not completely sure, but is the burning of Dominus' helpers inside the club a reference to Purgatory or maybe hell? I think the puppet show is great. I am not a big fan of the naming convention though, especially Martyr and Judaus. Both names actually managed to predict/say more about those characters than you described. Judaus' actions or motives aren't explained at all, but kind of make sense because his name is similar to Judas. Predestiny comes to mind suddenly.
About the roaches. I believe they are supposed to symbolize mankind; how we are nothing but insects following our blind instincts and blind faith in the Lord (and church)? The changing faces of the statues is a nice twist, even though I am not sure what it stands for. So, the puppet show and statues I like. I am indifferent with regards to the roach doll house. I actually think its effect would be greater if you'd show the roach house in one scene only, and only let the roach come back at the very end to suffer its demise under Dominus foot. I think you went over the top with the naming convention by using Judaus and Martyr, but judging from previous posts, that is my own personal opinion.

I believe you made a typo on page 34: "Philemon notices. Pull his own hand back.". A few other minor typos were already mentioned by previous posters, so no point in repeating here.

Overall

The plot is very interesting and the script was visual enough for me. The characters have enough depth but a bit of polishing could do no harm. Add some more dialogue and this script would truly become catching.

I hope this helps,

Yves
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medstudent
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First, movemyCheese, thanks for reading and commenting. Glad my script broke your post virginity


Quoted Text
The difference between Mcready and these other priests is that Mcready developed some sort of a conscience that drives him to stop the others in their act.


True, he does develop a conscience, but I wanted the inciting incident to be that Mcready knows Dominus is after him and will kill him and so he retaliates in anticipation.


Quoted Text
I am not completely sure as to why Mcready targets Detective Philemon at the beginning


This has been noted. I need to rework this. Give a little more backstory on Philemon's reason for investigating the Church, hence Mcready's reason for going after him.


Quoted Text
If it is indeed the "growing up without a father" theme, then you could perhaps insert a flashback the very moment the cross hairs are locked on Philemon's young son. The flashback could depict a moment when it really hurt Mcready to grow up without a strong father presence in his life.


Good thought. That may be exactly what I need there. Thanks.


Quoted Text
To me the most intriguing dialogue is the voice-over at the beginning. The rest is all very to-the-point, almost business like. I think it could be spiced up a bit.


Again, a point that has been said. I guess I need to rethink the dialogue. Like you said, not so much adding more but making better what I have.


Quoted Text
The opening is very strong, in my opinion. The switching between the church and the puppet show I liked a lot; it really builds tension. Combined with the voice-over, the puppet show provides a nice ominous tension.


Thanks!


Quoted Text
I think you literally overloaded the script with symbolism and metaphors.


A little in your face, huh? Should make it less distracting.


Quoted Text
The plot is very interesting and the script was visual enough for me. The characters have enough depth but a bit of polishing could do no harm. Add some more dialogue and this script would truly become catching.


Thanks. I am planning another rewrite sometime in the future. Out of all my features I've written, I think this one is the one I've spent the most time on. I realize that great screenplays come from rewriting. I think I'm getting there, though. Again, thanks for the read.

Oh and thanks for the Lynch mention. Probably one of my favorite screenwriters!

Cheers,
Joseph


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guust
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Hallo Joseph,

Thank you to note that the basic idee for the confessions script was mine indeed.
I have never said that I hated your rewritten version and I do know you have pottential. I only said that the plot was not good enoug to make a movie of it and needed some more work out. Thats why I started my to shoot a script from my porfolio and to my own vision.
So no offense to you.

Greethings,
Guy

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medstudent
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Guy,
What a surprise to hear from you! I would like to say it´s a pleasure but...

First, I´m pretty sure you haven´t read Confessions so you will be surprised to realize the only part of your "idea" that was incorporated into my (copywritten) script is the title. Second, if anyone has read the original (copywritten and posted a few years ago) script I wrote from the three paragraph idea you sent they would clearly recognize large pieces of dialogue from the original (copywritten and posted) script placed in your film. After realizing these pieces of dialogue from MY (copywritten) script were utilized by you, I removed them. I wanted to disassociate myself from anything you or your company had done.

What surprised me at the time, but doesn´t anymore, is the fact that an "established" production company would, in fact, solicit an unknown writer and use this writer´s(copywritten) material(in part or in whole) without giving credit.

That is why I´m so excited to see "The Last Inquisitor´s"!

God bless the WGA!

Joseph


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langdon alger
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After reading Confessions, I have to say that I liked the priest-assassin angle a lot and I think with some more polishing you would have a pretty cool script on your hands.  As it currently stands though I think there are some issues that you can address to make it reach its highest potential:

I think you rely too much on setting the scene and exposition (which you do very well - excellent language in describing the action) but there does not seem to be enough dialogue to me.  An example would be the beginning - you have the first 3 1/2 pages with no dialogue - that's an awful long time with no dialogue.  

Gold-teethed should be Gold-toothed I believe.

Story-wise I think it could be a little clearer as to exactly what is going on and what the character's motivations are - to me it's still a little unclear why Father Mcready didnt kill the detective and then went on to kill the other priests.  I think clearing everything up would go a long way to furthering your script.

To me the reason to have a female partner is so there is sexual tension/chemistry between the two - I think it would be interesting if you added that in there - just a thought.  Otherwise the female partner doesn't seem to add much to mix.

I think at this point would be a good time to decide whether or not you want to make a straight ahead action/crime movie or keep it going as this artsy/religious vibe going.  Not to say that you can't combine the elements of each but as it stands I think it tips more towards the artsy type - if that's where you're at, cool.  

The juxtaposition of young Billy and him as a priest seems confusing - I had a hard time following exactly what was happening - again you might want to simplify and explain more.  

Overall I thought it was a cool idea that can be fleshed out a little more with further character development (including examining each character and determining if they fit in the story - you might even want to excise a couple), clearing up the story line and really focusing on the assassination of priest and the subsequent police investigation.  

Also, unless I missed it, I didn't see a scene where Det. Philemon finds out his wife and kid are dead - if you're going to do this I think this needs to be a driving force for him to continue his investigation, etc. etc. - therefore I would have it be more prominent and earlier in your screenplay.  

Since your script is 96 pgs long you could easily add in 10-15 pgs without it becoming overlong so you have a lot of wiggle room.  

Thanks for letting me check out your script and good luck!
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