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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Choices Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 11th, 2007, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Choices by Owen Flynn (TheBigFish) - Short, Drama - This script is about the choices we make in life when we have children and how it effects them. Based on the life of a young woman and her kids living in Dublin. (15 pages) - doc, format


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spencerforhire
Posted: January 14th, 2007, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Owen -- This script seems more like a shooting script than a spec. Are you a director? If you aren't then the overall format is wrong. If you are planning on shootin this socially conscious piece then maybe it is right. I would recommend reading the script THE HITCHER from 1986. It is written a bit like yours, very verbose and almost like a novel. When you read it you will find many things that will help you out with your writing.

First notice that the font is New Courier 12 point. Yours is not. The first strike against your script.

Second, A shooting sctript will have numbers on the margin (left and right). Yours does not. A producer might dismiss your script as written by an ametuer.

And finally, the main character should have died and not just be on the verge of death. Give some finality to this piece.

As for a story, I think you did a very good job. It flowed well except for the fade out and cut to direction. You can lose those. They are passe.

Anyway, try a rewrite to tighten your descriptions and resumbit. I will have another read.

Spencer


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bert
Posted: April 29th, 2008, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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Hey, Fish.  Since you already have some good looks on "Long Night", I thought I would take a look at this earlier piece.

It is not a bad story.  It has meaning -- and a message -- even if the ending title card is a bit heavy-handed.  I think the title of this piece delivers your message adequately, and in a more subtle fashion.

The primary advice I have is to avoid repetition and streamline your story.  Some quick examples:

*  "A giant window that is covered with a metal grate over it" (lose "over it")
*  "A figure appears of a woman" (simply "a woman appears")
*  The whole sentence, "We now know the young woman’s name is Maggie.
*  The names on the nameplates (Why?)

Your script is rife with redundancies like that which you can lose.  Look for them and you will tighten up your narrative.

*  Call Nuala by her name when we first meet her.  In fact, do that will all your characters unless there is some compelling need to conceal that detail.  Then you do not need to use descriptions like, "the little girl from the beginning scenes."
*  You show a clock ticking on screen for 20 seconds?  Why would you do that?  That is a long time.  Count it out and see.
*  Use the slugline: EXT. PARK – LATER, as opposed to that unwieldy two-line slug you are using while the kids wait for Maggie.  She can look at her watch.  The kids are getting irritable.  You can "show" the passage of time.

As for the story itself, I think we need to know Maggie a bit better, as we do not understand the choices she is making.  We spend a great deal of time showing how excited she is to see her children, but then she abandons those dreams with no explanation whatsoever.

Did she struggle with her choice, or was it easy, or did she not even realize what she was throwing away?  Each of these options will tell us something important about Maggie. We need to see her making the "choice".

We need to see her spend some time with Billy, and we need to see at least a little bit of what happens in that apartment to understand her.  We need to know if she deserves sympathy, pity, or scorn.  Right now it is a hole to be filled in.

For a novice effort, it shows promise.  I enjoyed the story. You elected to tackle a thoughtful and difficult topic, and for the most part, you handled it effectively.  The take home message on this one is to tighten up your writing, avoiding all those small details that add nothing to the story at hand.  Best of luck with your upcoming projects.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

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bert  -  April 29th, 2008, 8:53pm
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