Big Bad Wolf by P. Cook (me) - Short, Suspense, Horror - A young girl’s Christmas present, intended to make her feel safe and secure gives her the fright of her life. 11 pages - pdf, format

filmed:

WHOA! WHOA! Serious deja vu moment here!!! I've read this before!


Seriously though, good job on this, as I've said before. Very creepy. Kinda inspires actually

I can't believe this Pia.  You take one of my shorts and change the penguin into a wolf and try to pass it off as one of your stories.  Do you seriously believe that anyone will fall for this?

I see doing plagerism jokes for a lo-o-o-o-ong time.


SPOILER SPACE


I was not happy with this story at all, to be honest.  I thought the set up was all wrong.  It's like you started it in the third act and dove straight into the conclusion.  A whole lot presumably happened before what you wrote and, IMHO, this is where the story is.

You should set up the relationship between Amanda and David (before he reveals his feelings.  Were they on good terms?  Did he skeeve her out in any way?  Did Mom suspect anything?  Why did David decide to act on his feelings on this given day.

You started something with the dinner he made up.  It was pretty clear what Amanda was eating but you left it there.  You didn't let her in on the joke.

This story could be a feature length script.  Slowly build up to David going off the deep end.  Let's see some suspense build up here.  Maybe she finds some of her possession in his car's glove box or something.  This script moves way too fast and leaves too much out as it is.


Phil

I think I know now that I will never get singing chipmunks and pink marshmallows with you Pia. I agree with Phil, this would make a good feature, but I was still happy with the short. David freaked the hell out of me.

Another good short. Good stuff.

Quoted from dogglebe I can't believe this Pia.  You take one of my shorts and change the penguin into a wolf and try to pass it off as one of your stories.  Do you seriously believe that anyone will fall for this?

Are you saying this script is even remotely similar to bad Penguin? and then you have the nerve to say it sucks too! Be very careful what you say my friend or I will get in my  fuel economic car and drive up to NY, put you over my knee and give you a spanking!....just so you know.....I spank hard!

Quoted from dogglebe I was not happy with this story at all, to be honest.  I thought the set up was all wrong.  It's like you started it in the third act and dove straight into the conclusion.  A whole lot presumably happened before what you wrote and, IMHO, this is where the story is. You should set up the relationship between Amanda and David (before he reveals his feelings.  Were they on good terms?  Did he skeeve her out in any way?  Did Mom suspect anything?  Why did David decide to act on his feelings on this given day. You started something with the dinner he made up.  It was pretty clear what Amanda was eating but you left it there.  You didn't let her in on the joke. This story could be a feature length script.  Slowly build up to David going off the deep end.  Let's see some suspense build up here.  Maybe she finds some of her possession in his car's glove box or something.  This script moves way too fast and leaves too much out as it is.

Okay, I'm eager to learn, would you tell me if this works as a third act? I used the original fairy tale as the blueprint and followed it. Including the beginning.

I know it moved too quickly and I have to admit I wrote it in a hurry for an assignment. The assignment was suspense/voicemail and a maximum word count of 2,500 and I had one week. Does this change your opinion at all?

I tried to go for originality too. As always, I take any suggestions and/or advice very seriously.

Daniel,

Thanks for reading. You read the copy off of my website. Hope that explains your deja vu!
I'll get around to read Helio's and your script shortly. I'm backed up is all.  

Alex,

Thanks for reading. My own kids say i creep them out so don't feel weird.  

Quoted from tomson Are you saying this script is even remotely similar to bad Penguin? and then you have the nerve to say it sucks too! Be very careful what you say my friend or I will get in my  fuel economic car and drive up to NY, put you over my knee and give you a spanking!....just so you know.....I spank hard!

Sweet!

Quoted from tomson Okay, I'm eager to learn, would you tell me if this works as a third act? I used the original fairy tale as the blueprint and followed it. Including the beginning. I know it moved too quickly and I have to admit I wrote it in a hurry for an assignment. The assignment was suspense/voicemail and a maximum word count of 2,500 and I had one week. Does this change your opinion at all? I tried to go for originality too. As always, I take any suggestions and/or advice very seriously.

Given, you had a week and a limited amount of space, I'll give you more credit.  Now that your one week challenge (ahem) is over, you can flesh it out.  As a third act, you'd still have to tighten it up and flesh it out a little.

High points for originality!  If you're going to rewrite it, you have to work on the charcterization, though.


Phil (ready for a spanking)

"Barely" is an adverb. That said, it, like "inactive" verbs, should, according to many, be avoided.  Why, I'm not sure. In any case, as it is, your opening sentence is awkward. It lacks a kind of flow that would, otherwise, enable the reader to breaze through it.    

The second sentence, too, is off...

"AMANDA (12) wears a red parka with a hood and carries a backpack, her feet crunches..."

Both "feet" and "chrunches" are plural. That said, "her feet crunch..." would suffice.

Complaints aside, this is better written than most.

Still, reading further, it seems this is a "just the facts, m'am" kind of story. It's mechanical -- This is what happens, then this happens, then this. I like artistry -- flare. Something that, in terms of the writing, keeps my attention. As it is, it's filmable, but it's not engaging. That said, I'd like to see more personality, more -- if this is a word,  uniqueness.

While most people comment on story, I, admittedly, focuss on how the story is told. If it isn't interesting, if isn't well written, I move on.

I hope you don't take offence. Having read many scripts on this site, I can say, with confidence, that you are, without question, one of the better writers on these boards.

Still, I'd like to see more personality -- something unique.

Seth

The execution of the choosen premise shows -once again- that you’re a talented writer, but the premise itself wasn't that great, IMO. It’s hard to post a “negative” review about a short in which its concept was executed nearly as well as it could possible be. Its fast pace, good descriptions, good dialogue and good format, makes it even more difficult. Yet it feels like there’s nothing new here.

*SPOILERS*

While there is some originality in the Red Riding Hood scenario you built around this tale, the meat of the story -the main suspense scenes-  are no different from what could be seen in other slashers.

The initial creepy phone calls and  the caller purposefully telling details to his victim that give away he’s watching her, wasn’t different from “Scream”s opening scene. There’s a clever little twist in here (the victim misinterprets the phrase that gave away she was being watched so she doesn’t notice she was being watched) but the essence of the scene is the same.

Then there comes a twist in which we learn that the phone calls where coming from the protagonist’s house; it’s a good one but that's the same plot twist that happens in “When a Stranger Calls”. This plot device, while not new, was cleverly used to build suspense, since only the audience knows about it, and the victim gets home without knowing the dangers that await her.

Then we learn (also before the victim does) that her mother was murdered. I guess you went with the early reveal in order to increase suspense, yet I think it wasn’t necessary since we already knew that the protagonist was heading right into the big bad wolf’s lair. We knew something bad was about to happen to her.  The scene were she finds her dead mother would have worked better if this murder was a surprise for the audience as well.

If you use Hitchcock’s bomb-under-the-table example as a reference, you already showed the ticking bomb; showing another one doesn’t add much more suspense, one is enough to kill the characters. That’s why I think that the murdered mother could be much more effective as a surprise plot point that to build more suspense.

I feel such a dick telling you this but the final chase scene and the ending was like an ordinary slasher with nothing new to keep me interested. I was expecting some kind of twist or surprise at the end that never came.

Overall I would say this is a solid execution of a not so solid concept. While the premise itself didn’t grab me, I think it was competently written. Expanding this into a feature would make your story look like butter stretched over too much bread; the length and pace you chose were adequate for the story *you* wanted to tell, IMO.

In quality terms it’s quite above the level of most scripts of the unproduced section. But I think it’s below the average of what you showed you’re capable of writing, and that’s the parameter I considered when writing this review.

(NOTE: I wrote the previous review before knowing that this was written for a one week challenge. Now that I know, you definitely deserve some extra credits.)

hey Pia,

Some pretty twisted stuff here, but I like twisted


SPOILERS!!!!!



I actually thought it moved quite well.  It was faced paced and you started the suspense at the get go.

This was, in the end, a slasher flick, but a good one so I don't see anything wrong with that.

David was one sick S.O.B, a good villain, maybe I would have liked a little more of him.

Now I didn't like the end, like the last few lines.  Other than Die hard I hate falling deaths of the bad guy, I dunno why, just never really liked those.  I think it would be cool for him to have a different death.  Just a thought.

All in all this was a fun twisted read.  Good one

Seth, Mr. Z and Jordan, thanks for reading!

Don't ever feel that you offend me with a negative review! Sometimes I learn more from those than the positive ones.

Seth,
Grammar is always going to be a problem for me, but I still appreciate you pointing them out. I'm grateful you read this and you made some valid points.
I thought maybe you would hold a grudge after last weeks spat about foul language.  

Mr. Z it's always a treasure to get a review from you. You are so thoghrow (sp) and always have great advice. I appreciate it more than you think!

Jordan,
I'm glad you liked it. You always give great reviews and I owe you. It's a shame you have to ask people for reviews when you are such a prolific reader yourself. I owe you some reads for sure!

I have come to the conclusion that this script suffers from me trying to achieve too many things.

Suspense – with some help from a member here and some research I manage to understand the difference between suspense and thriller. Suspense being that we the audience know of some danger, but our hero does not. I achieved this in this script, I just failed to make it suspenseFUL.

Voicemail – I did use voicemail and I tried to do use it in a unique way, but several people have mentioned “Scream” so I guess that failed too. I have never seen that movie, but I recently watched the original Black Christmas and… yeah, it was in that one too.

2 500 words max – I did manage that.

12 pages max – ditto

Write it in 7 days – ditto

Don’t be too descriptive – I’m often told I’m too descriptive, I guess I went too far the other way here.

Don’t be too graphic – I’m usually told that too, along with, too violent, too much this too much that and you made me uncomfortable, so I toned everything down. I guess it didn’t work.

I had so many things I tried to either do or avoid that my canvas was shrunk into a palm sized square. I think there wasn’t enough room left for me to be me. Seth said it felt mechanical and “Just the facts m’am, just the facts”. Maybe that’s what some refer to as engineering a script, technically acceptable, but without feel.

The few people that liked this one have been around 20yo or younger, the ones older than that seem to dislike it. I’ve written some dramas lately that have been well received, but drama isn’t really what I prefer to write. I like it on the dark and crazy side. Hopefully I can learn to master that genre. I don’t want to become known as a short drama queen…

I appreciate everyone’s comments tremendously as you have helped me understand what does not work and that is sometimes more important than what does work.


  

Pia,

So nice to see you writing something you feel comfortable with.  I enjoyed this so much more than your drama pieces, which were the only works I had seen by you until now.  Good work with your retelling of the hood.

My only comments would be

- at times you overly described your actions, like we didn't need to know she hit the speed dial buttons.  I, personally, don't care too much about this.  I think you need to find the amount of description you are comfortable with - because no one else is going to agree on how much or how little is enough.

-  I thought as you got further into the piece it got much better. I think the begining needs some tightening.  I think you did not need to mention Little Red Riding Hood or the wolf in the dialogue. I think we recognise the story and it give us a bit an edge over the characters to know something they don't.

Looking forward to your next thriller.    

I pretty much agree with Seth on this one. This is the second or third of your shorts I've read and your style of writing really appeals to me, but the plot in this one was very sequential and by the numbers, or what I'd like to coin "Action without a soul", if you don't mind.

The entire third part of your story is a chase/fight scene, and at that point you haven't really told us enough about the characters to make me care how the fight is resolved. I believe in earning/justifying your action. That means that you have to charge your characters emotionally, let us understand why it's important that they have to fight, before any action actually takes place.

David is a One-dimensional psycho, whose motivations and machinations are clich� and confounding. After their confrontation it turns into a run of the mill, albeit well-written (!), action climax. The end might actually work in a 90 minute feature, where you have time to flesh out your characters, but as a short, I think its premise comes off as disjointed and kinda pointless.

I really don't mean to put you down or anything, because, like I said, I think you're one of the best writers on here. This story just didn't do it for me.

Although I really liked the idea of doing a retelling of Little Red Riding Hood. But I think there's more potential here.

I liked this one but I think it could have been better. For something written in a week's time, it's not bad at all, although I feel like the genre and them were a little too easy. Then again, not everyone writes this kind of stuff.

Anyway, the first and third acts read somewhat cliche but you utilized suspense relatively well in the first half. I just wish the dialogue wasn't so typical. I think you should've relied entirely on voice mail rather than have Amanda answer the phone. Exclamations like "who is this" and "you're sick!" are tired genre conventions. The voicemail, on the other hand, is not. Come to think of it, I don't think of seen it much in horror movies.

The second act was my favorite. I thought David being a familiar face was an interesting twist as was his motivation. Using Amanda's mother to be with her rather than just trying to kill her. I think it took too long to reveal who David was though, in the second half anyway. At first, I thought he was Amanda's husband.

Finally, I didn't understand how the police were able to arrive at the scene so fast. I mean, I don't think they would've been able to even trace her location. I mean, she was on a cellphone. Her call got dropped before she was even able to explain her situation. I think you might want to work on this somewhat.

Otherwise, considering the circumstances this was written under, I think it was quite decent. It's cool to see you writing more often these days, Pia. I really enjoy your writing style.

Pia,

Nice short. I really only had one problem. The ending was too anticlimactic. It can be hard with horror scripts to end well, I personally like to leave the ends open to question. Is the killer dead? Is the hero safe? Is there another killer still on teh loose? I think that's more standard for some of the newer horror flicks, but that seems to be for the sake of a sequel. Aside from that, this very well written, and pretty creapy at times. The image of Linda with her open cavity sorta sticks out in my mind.

Just one more thing. I personally don't like it when people are discribed as "average." I think it's kind of a cop out. Even if David is average, what makes him so average?

Good work otherwise,

IkE

Pia,

Hey, how is one of my favorite screenwriters doing?
Is that Zombie script of yours completed?

Have you seen “Freeway,” with Reese Witherspoon and Keifer Sutherland?  That flick is a retelling of the LRRH story. Reese gives one of the great trash-talking, trailer-trash runaway performances of all time.

Before going further, let me get the technical s**t out of the way: Avoid the glut sentences that read - David bangs on “it,” reaches “it,” opens “it.”  You can get away with it in place of door (in this case) sometimes, but used too often reads Lazy or passive.

Remember the difference between Lose and Loose.  Lose (misplace, can’t find) versus Loose (slack, not tight).  Lose = Loses and Loose=Loosens.

Yeah, yeah, there is validity to what other posters have said about “Wolf.”  So what do you want to do, kiddo, go long? Go deep?

I happen to like “Wolf” as a short.  I for one am willing to accept the story characters as is – little girl on her way to meet the big, bad wolf.

However, something is amiss.  Did you go back over your story and write it in reverse?  You know, understand your ending then backtrack through the story?

Seriously, despite this not being Pia’s best piece, I can tell you that if you retool this story, it could be a great festival chiller for a young filmmaker  (maybe even you).  You think I’m B.S.ing you?  I’m not B.S.ing you.

Look deep into this story, Pia.  Deep.  There is an an overlooked element that could turn this familiar thriller into a twisted piece of horror.  It’s right there.

Lest I be accused of trying to rewrite your story, Haha, I won’t reveal the key.  Or the McGuffin. Whatever you want to call it.

If you are still unsure after 666 days, I’ll PM it to you.

Here’s a hint:  David might have cannibal tendencies, but he is not out to kill or eat Amanda.  Not in the story you have set up.  He’s a pedofile in sheep’s clothing.  Veer away from a conventional slasher-type finale.

Be clever.  Be twisted.

Remember, in the original tale the wolf waits for Red to come to him.  Why?  I think because the wolf is safe.  And Red is more vulnerable in confined quarters.

And so, what does David want?  How can he get what he wants?

Go to work.