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I'm not really sure what to make of this. I mean this seems like a script from an actual home movie, but then the last 3 pages or so I'm thinking is this Chris kid possessed by the devil or something? You got him as 5 years old here and he's saying things that 5 year olds don't normally say...well, I take that back, I knew one 5 year old who would use more curse words than I did and he's probably gonna be on America's Most Wanted some day...but yeah, am I over-analyzing this? Cause you got the dog attacking him at the end...makes me think that there's something wrong with this kid. And Starr is 11 and you have her mom in her early twenties, which means she gave birth around 10-11 or something?
I think there's a deep meaning here, but I'm just not clearly seeing it.
I agree with Greg about the five-year-old's language -- it's too vulgar; even if this character is based on a real child, it's hard to empathize with the kid. The ending was sort of hard to understand; I originally thought this was going to be a saccharine movie short, something like those old Pac-Bell commericials from the '80s, but then it turned into something weird without any closure. The other stuff like grammar, punctuation and age issues can easily be fixed; it's the plot that needs serious retooling.
This IS a short little film, and I went ahead and wrote the screenplay for.
The story is that Chris started out wanting to use the camera, he used the camera, and how it ended...
Mom was very young when she had Starr (14). Yep, very, very young.
I think Chris got this stuff from Beavis and Butthead. He didn't actually say any bad words even though it was shocking what he did say.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
But in order for this script to hit me on an existential level, I need to be able answer the questions "What is this movie about?" and "What themes are being presented here?" As it is, I can't answer either one of these. That's not necessarily a knock on your writing ability, I truly don't know. Perhaps I am missing something. So I will ask you, the author, What is the message of this script? Which sort of themes were you trying to introduce?
You never know what a kid is going to say or do, and if you give one a video camera, well something bad will probably happen.
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Well, they're being too hard on the guy. He's alright.
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
You're right. That was rather cruel of me, wasn't it? The original Clerks was cool, and Dogma had a sweet, little moral regarding the arrogance of the Catholic church. In hindsight I should have used M. Night Shyamalan as an example instead. Oh, well. Anyway, we're getting way off topic here.
This was rather bizarre. I understand this actually happened and the point were trying to make but I just don't think it translates well into screenplay format, let alone film. This isn't a story, it's an incident. Incidents can have narrative but lack direction and film is a medium that runs on direction. So yeah, I appreciate what you were trying to do with this but I just didn't think it worked. Sorry. That's just my opinion.
I'm at a loss over this one. I have to agree with the others. I just couldn't see the point to all this... I know it really happened, but as they say, just because it happened doesn't mean it works on the page. Or on screen.
This is what threw me a curve. I've read some of your stuff and know what you're capable of. And so I'm thinking that you are going to jolt us in the end. Even though your brief synopsis didn't say as much. So as this kid is saying more and more censored stuff, and directing this film with a more deft hand, I started to feel the buildup of something dramatic. When it didn't come, I'm like "Oh."
I anticipated that we would glimpse everybody through the viewfinder and see the family literally performing as described --- of course, I don't know how you would film some of those acts.
I guess I had that Billy Mumy story, "It's a Good Life" running through my head.
This isn't much of a story. It's an anecdote, and what's worse is that it's a "you had to be there" kind of anecdote. If you like the idea of a 5 year old playing director, which is cool in itself, I say sensationalize it. Give us more of the characters, and let us know why we should care about them. Then read The Scrosese Club. It's a good one.
Well, Thanks everyone for giving it a read. I know it's quite different than what I usually put out there to be read. I did leave out some of the reactions of the people involved in the screenplay that were in the actual film... This five page script was only a minute and a half on film. Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
I thought it was cute and I got a couple of laughs out it. I disagree with the other posts that say there isn't a story here. There is - a young child tries to direct a home video only to be foiled by the family dog - or something like that. There are characters in here as well.
Being that it is basically a transcript and that it really isn't here to be produced, you did well with it. If you were to work further with this, decide on a story and write it out as a logline then enhance the transcript to bring the story out and make it clearer.