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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  White Picket Fence Moderators: bert
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  Author    White Picket Fence  (currently 5686 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2007, 8:09am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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White Picket Fence by Jared Shipley - Drama - A New York college student returns home to Utah after his alcoholic father dies in a house fire. He lives with his hard-hearted, Vietnam veteran grandfather in a small, rural town. While there, the two decide to rebuild a decaying picket fence in the backyard, a symbol of their decaying family, and the young man is thrust into an odyssey of self-discovery, forcing him to face his demons about his family, himself, and the true nature of love. 98 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  April 4th, 2008, 5:01pm
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Spencer G.
Posted: April 4th, 2007, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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Read the script and enjoyed it. My only problem is this:

Pg. 1: I like the opening with the gravestone, but it might be a bit confusing to the viewer. I think that the part with COLLIN in his dorm room needs to be cut. It doesn't really fit. Why is it suddenly a week earlier and seemingly the same conversation? If you keep it in the rental car it wouldn't be confusing.

Other than that, it was a well written script. Good job.


"If my film makes one more person miserable, I'll feel I've done my job." - Woody Allen
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bryan00009
Posted: June 3rd, 2007, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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Numbered scenes?  The title on every page?  Continueds?  All this junk doesn't belong in a spec script and just clouds up the fact that there's not much happening here.  I got as far as page 20.  The dialogue, such as it is, seems awfully banal ("How are you doing?  I don't know.  How are you doing" ...)  This feels like one of those painfully slow movies where everyone just stands around, mumbles, and stares wistfully off into the horizon.   A movie about building a fence and sharing memories of a dead person?  Pass.


"It's just a rehash of something that wasn't very good to begin with.  I found it flat and trite..."  Sunset Boulevard (1950).
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