9:23 by John Lyles - Short, Comedy - A couple enjoying a night of TV are unaware of the world around them. 12 pages - pdf, format

*BEWARE OF SPOILERS*

This started off strong and then faded.

I did not understand the last 2/3 pages. Was the conversation between the lady and the cop a flashforward? Was it their house that was hit?

This left me really confused and a little unsatisfied. I was waiting for something to happen, but nothing happened. The way you wrote it anyway. You need to express your ending clearer. I was lost.

And I am a little disappointed because I really liked the interaction between Jeb and Jen. It was believeable and flowed well.

If you fix the ending I might give it another look.

Andrew

The conversation was to show that everyone in the neighbourhood knew what had happened, although Jen didn't see anything wrong outside, in actual fact the house was already hit by the meteorite ( hence Jen was in fact dead and didn't realize it ). She and Jeb stuck in their own little world.

That is understandable. But you should tell us that. Some how let us know what this conversation is about and maybe the visuals should change after they die and are in "heaven" so to speak. Just a thought.

I agree with superdrew828 on this one.  Really loved the beginning and I must say that the title is what drew me in.  I guess I'm a succor for time titles.

Anyway, I loved the interaction of Jeb and Jen as well.  It was amusing to visualize two sloths going at it over who has to get up to get a soda.

The ending on the other hand wasn't as strong.  I sort of understood what was going on, though after your explanation John, I think I'm even more confused.  I think it would work better if you cut the ending voice overs and had it finish on the Lady and Bystanders.

By the way "FROM INSIDE OF JEN'S MOUTH" may be the grossest scene heading I have ever read.

-Pat

Thanks for the insightful reviews, I will certainly put these to good use and do some reconbobulating.

Cheers

Yeah Im gonna agree with the other two but I really liked it myself. The dialogue was excellent and pacing was straightforward. I had to read the ending to understand and "get it" so to say but I think a little revising on that and this has quite the potential.

I didn't really see anything wrong with the ending. I understood completely. Anyhow, another great screenplay. My only complaint is - on pg 4, do we really need to see the super of 8:47pm and then have him tell her what time it is? I just didn't see the point of showing the same thing twice. Just my opinion though.

I thougt this script was very unclear. I have only read a handful of script on here and I see the same basic mistakes being repeated over and over. As was mentioned previously, what you intended to show and what you actually wrote are very different. Another point is basic research. A metorite would a. never be that large, it would obliterate a whole country b. metorites have a silent fall and do not glow, they cool down rapidly when they enter the earths atmosphere.

If the metorite had fallen and the start and the sequence repeated at the end this would have made much more sense. The opening Ext. Space scene would have been further strengthened also.

John,

I read this, thought I got it - then read the comments, and realise I did indeed 'get' it.

The premise of this one is interesting. A couple so enamoured with junk food and TV are completely unaware that they are about to be hit - big-time. The fact this is their 'heaven' is intriguing 'cos it makes me think where I would be if this was me.

The idea then is good, but I just feel the execution could be a lot better. Personally, the dialogue didn't sit that well with me, it just felt a little unnatural. I get where you were going with it, but it felt contrived. The length was also an issue, 'cos they just basically regurgitated the conversation for 12 pages. The use of the 'SUPER' was interesting, and suited the piece.

I think this needs to be shortened and the dialogue needs tightening. Perhaps there can be a joke where they ironically acknowledge their own fate, or something like that.

Decent short, but has the potential to be a lot better.

Andrew

As I'm easing back into the site I wanted a few short scripts to get my mind wrapped around again. This was the 5th script I've read since being back and while I don't know what the goal of some of these screenplays are... I'd like to still give some input on them. When I say goal I don't know if you all are writing these for place holders for bigger ideas later down the line, or if these are just "THE" finished products of what was on your minds.

Both the "shorts" I've read now seem very bare bones and a tad incomplete.  I liked your dialouge, for the most part.  It was quick, punchy and read super fast. I never got hung up or had to re-read something twice to soak it in. That's a plus. The fact it was well laid out is also a plus, but for such a short script how can anyone judge for sure you could keep the pace up past 30 pages? I'd like to see some of your longer screenplays to gauge that for myself.

As for "Getting it"  yeah, I get it. It was a nice commentary on how people are living today. They are oblivious to anything that they oppose and shut out everything that doesn't seem to register in their world. It's a good idea that would've been better had it been more developed, I believe.

Then again, 12 pages isn't enough to really get things going into full swing.  I could, however, see this as being a skit or a short short on a movie of other short shorts, ya know?

Not bad. I'd like to read more of your work.

I really liked this. I think that we were shown/told as much as we need to understand the ending. I will admit some of the formatting was a bit off, but I was prepared to forgive that for the sake of the story. Having said that, some of the dialogue was a bit off. For example:
----------
JEB
Gotta check that left rear tire.
Low on air.

JEN
Will do.
----------
... just seems a bit dry to me. There were a few places where I was expecting a bit more a marriage-like argument over things (e.g. the later argument over the soda). I think that if there is no argument or discussion (such as above), then there really is no point mentioning it. Tyres are boring.

I liked the "Do it tomorrow line" that cropped up a few times, and I thought this could have been used to greater effect. If this was brought out a bit more, it could even be a line to end on, which would enhance the irony of the situation. For example:

----------
IMPACT SITE
Where a LARGE, fifty foot high METEORITE sits atop the rubble
that was once a house. Still GLOWING, steam from the water
hoses and smoke from the debris rise over the area.

JEB (V/O)
We're out of barbecue beef!

JEN (V/O)
Get some tomorrow.
----------
...or something to that effect.

I don't think it matters too much that the meteorite has only hit one house, that's really not an issue. And as I said, I really did like this script and would love to see it polished up and made into a short.

That's it from me Hope this helped.

Qwijebo was last active on May 22nd, 2007, 1:42pm - It seems unlikely that after nearly two years he/she will read these comments.  I would suggest giving this thread a rest and seeking out the scripts of currently active members who would be joyous at the prospect of seeing another comment on their script.