SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 12:08am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Atom Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 9 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Atom  (currently 2983 views)
Don
Posted: April 2nd, 2007, 5:30am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Atom by Andrew Mangum (superdrew82 - Short - This is how the atom was created.  4 pages - doc, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
alffy
Posted: April 2nd, 2007, 9:12am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2187
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey Andrew,

I know what you tried to do here but I found it really hard to follow.  Some of your descriptions could be tightened, some seem a bit novelly (is that even a word?). lol. e.g. 'a big beastly bear..'.  'A bear' is fine.
'A little mouse is walking along the edge of the swamp.' - I'd put 'a mouse walks along the edge.'

The main reason I found this so hard to read was the V.O.  I understand you wanted it to run the whole length of the short but I think you should try not to cut the dialogue the way you do.  Add descriptions/actions after a sentence and not mid sentences.  I couldn't follow what was actually being said.

Oh yeah you can lose the CUT TO's, they're not needed.

Also 'suddenly' could be dropped.

This wasn't too bad but like I said, I just couldn't follow it.  I had to re-read the dialogue, without the actions to be able to follow it.  This can be easily rectified by writing full sentences before breaking for descriptions/actions.

Overall it's an ok little short but needs work.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here

Revision History (1 edits)
alffy  -  April 2nd, 2007, 11:54am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 10
dogglebe
Posted: April 2nd, 2007, 9:17am Report to Moderator
Guest User



This was extremely hard to follow.  I ended reading only the description and then read just the dialogue.  It's the only way it made sense to me.

It's one thing to have dialogue split up in mid sentence when it's people arguing, or something to that effect.    Your dialogue is colorful prose/description that is interrupted before the images formed in my head.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 10
Zack
Posted: April 2nd, 2007, 9:31am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Erlanger, KY
Posts
4487
Posts Per Day
0.69
phil and alffy pretty much summed everything up. I just couldn't get into it, nor did I want to. It just wasn't very interesting. I hate not having anything nice to say, but this script was just dull. Better luck next time Andrew.

4 out of 10

Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  May 20th, 2007, 11:07pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 10
Zombie Sean
Posted: April 2nd, 2007, 9:39am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Colorado
Posts
1547
Posts Per Day
0.23
I, too, have to agree with them people above me. This script wasn't well written with the dialogue split up and whatnot, and though it might have been a story of the "first atom," it wasn't really interesting. I was hoping for a better plot but this was more like a science lecture written poetically and in a story.

I liked your descriptions though.

Sean
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 10
superdrew828
Posted: April 2nd, 2007, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
36
Posts Per Day
0.01
I was kinda going for that effect of not understanding what's going on. That's what the story is about. We don't know what's going on really. It's just jumbled up and I wanted to express that in this script.

This script also happens to be an adaptation of a monologue from the play The Effect of Gamma Rays in the Man-on-the-Moon Marigolds... or something like that. It was done for a film class. I actually got a really good grade on it. And my professor really liked the way I set the script up. I guess people have different tastes.

Thanks for the read guys!


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 10
Gerald
Posted: April 29th, 2007, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
7
Posts Per Day
0.00
Man, this would be an exensive film to produce! One long special effect. Not sure how this would be categorized, a short story? You should reconcider the way you present the dialogue. Could have potential but needs a rewrite.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 10
JoshuaY
Posted: March 5th, 2015, 3:11am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
1
Posts Per Day
0.00
hey Andrew is this completely original material, I'd like to option it,let me know and let's talk.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 10
LC
Posted: March 5th, 2015, 4:38am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7582
Posts Per Day
1.34
Joshua,

Andrew hasn't been active on the boards since May, 2008.

If you click on his online name - superdrewe828 and go to PM, you will find his email address. Best of luck.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 10
MarkRenshaw
Posted: March 6th, 2015, 8:30am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
Also Joshua, if you read through his reply in the comments he says this is an adaption of a monologue from a play.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 10
Colkurtz8
Posted: March 12th, 2015, 9:19am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Andrew

There is something kinda uplifting and inspiring about this. Both in its message and the wide eyed simplistic narrative of an atom’s perpetual life. We are all made of stars if we go back far enough, a notion that is sometimes forgotten or just not believed in the first place.

A couple of points on the chain of event depicted:

This is nitpicky I know but you shouldn’t call it “THE SUN” but rather “A SUN” or “A STAR” since we refer to our current sun using the definitive article which is thankfully still very much un-exploded The same goes for mentioning this previous celestial body as “our sun’ in the dialogue. It’s just confusing.

Also, humans haven’t been around long enough to dig up a piece of coal that would eventually turn into diamond for a woman to possess further down the time. Like you say, that process takes millions of years. What was she doing just carrying it around a jewelry shop anyway? Should we be suspicious of her

A pretty insubstantial piece but I do appreciate celebrating something so fundamental and yes, beautiful!

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 10
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006