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I know what you tried to do here but I found it really hard to follow. Some of your descriptions could be tightened, some seem a bit novelly (is that even a word?). lol. e.g. 'a big beastly bear..'. 'A bear' is fine. 'A little mouse is walking along the edge of the swamp.' - I'd put 'a mouse walks along the edge.'
The main reason I found this so hard to read was the V.O. I understand you wanted it to run the whole length of the short but I think you should try not to cut the dialogue the way you do. Add descriptions/actions after a sentence and not mid sentences. I couldn't follow what was actually being said.
Oh yeah you can lose the CUT TO's, they're not needed.
Also 'suddenly' could be dropped.
This wasn't too bad but like I said, I just couldn't follow it. I had to re-read the dialogue, without the actions to be able to follow it. This can be easily rectified by writing full sentences before breaking for descriptions/actions.
Overall it's an ok little short but needs work.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
This was extremely hard to follow. I ended reading only the description and then read just the dialogue. It's the only way it made sense to me.
It's one thing to have dialogue split up in mid sentence when it's people arguing, or something to that effect. Your dialogue is colorful prose/description that is interrupted before the images formed in my head.
phil and alffy pretty much summed everything up. I just couldn't get into it, nor did I want to. It just wasn't very interesting. I hate not having anything nice to say, but this script was just dull. Better luck next time Andrew.
I, too, have to agree with them people above me. This script wasn't well written with the dialogue split up and whatnot, and though it might have been a story of the "first atom," it wasn't really interesting. I was hoping for a better plot but this was more like a science lecture written poetically and in a story.
I was kinda going for that effect of not understanding what's going on. That's what the story is about. We don't know what's going on really. It's just jumbled up and I wanted to express that in this script.
This script also happens to be an adaptation of a monologue from the play The Effect of Gamma Rays in the Man-on-the-Moon Marigolds... or something like that. It was done for a film class. I actually got a really good grade on it. And my professor really liked the way I set the script up. I guess people have different tastes.
Man, this would be an exensive film to produce! One long special effect. Not sure how this would be categorized, a short story? You should reconcider the way you present the dialogue. Could have potential but needs a rewrite.
There is something kinda uplifting and inspiring about this. Both in its message and the wide eyed simplistic narrative of an atom’s perpetual life. We are all made of stars if we go back far enough, a notion that is sometimes forgotten or just not believed in the first place.
A couple of points on the chain of event depicted:
This is nitpicky I know but you shouldn’t call it “THE SUN” but rather “A SUN” or “A STAR” since we refer to our current sun using the definitive article which is thankfully still very much un-exploded The same goes for mentioning this previous celestial body as “our sun’ in the dialogue. It’s just confusing.
Also, humans haven’t been around long enough to dig up a piece of coal that would eventually turn into diamond for a woman to possess further down the time. Like you say, that process takes millions of years. What was she doing just carrying it around a jewelry shop anyway? Should we be suspicious of her
A pretty insubstantial piece but I do appreciate celebrating something so fundamental and yes, beautiful!