Placebo by Martin Lancaster - Short, Horror - In the wake of a clinical trial gone wrong, two members of the control group find themselves fighting for their lives. 6 pages - doc, format

There are a few authors around here that really stand out, and Martin is one of them.  I'll break hiatus for a short work from this guy.

Some of you guys around here -- gushing over some of the recent horror on these boards -- I won’t mention any names, but man, I sure wish Balt was still around -- well, you need to check this one out and see how it’s actually done.

The last time Martin posted a short like this, it eventually morphed into one hell of a feature.  I suspect that is also what we are seeing here.

I suspect that because there is surely more of this story to tell.  The dialogue is heavily laden with way too much exposition.  Necessary to the story, but it’s just too condensed.  The sing-song dialogue from Shannon strikes the perfect tone, however.

And I am not sure we would make the connection with the missing name having only heard his name once, at the outset.  I think Cole needs to verbalize this for us, desperately, “Cole Kinsella!  Where is it, dammit?!”, something like that, to help us grasp its ramifications.  Same thing with Shannon.  In fact, does he ever say her name out loud?

Good stuff, Martin.  It’s been a while.  Nice to see you’ve still got it.

What I think is amazing here is how quickly you draw the reader into the story, by using just one location, and a voice-over.

the voice-over is probably a bit too expositionary, but not much. And not to a point where I was bothered by it.

I'm not sure I got the ending, though?

SPOILERS

Was there no mutation then at all? Were they hallucinations? Was he Shannon's? She his?

Like Bert, I wanna know more.


This was probably one of the only under-10-page shorts I've thoroughly enjoyed in a long time. I still can't believe you crammed all that into 6 pages.

the only thing I didn't like was the aesthetics of the mutants. I kinda kept picturing Arnold in Total Recall when their heads get bloated and all.

But I'll read this again. And then perhaps again.

SPOILER AHEAD

Wow!  What another great short from Martin.  Full of twists and turns with an ending that still has my head spinning.

And like Bert said, you could really do a lot of good by expanding this.  You use so much V.O. to tell what is happening in the story....why not use the extra pages space to give us more of a back story and actually show us what is happening in the plot?

It also was very clever how you handled the ending.  When Cole began flipping through the folder, I knew immediatly that he wasn't going to find his name on the placebo list.  I kept thinking to myself, "this doesn't make sense.  Why would the guy Cole killed morph if he was taking the placebo?"  But when he saw that the dead man was normal (assuming the morphing hindered Cole's vision) that's when this script went from good to great.

Reading this was as good as watching Argentina beating England in a soccer match  

Good opening. You know how to start with a bang. And just when I thought the story was heading for the cliché survival situation with humans fighting zombies mutants... it comes an unexpected and clever twist which -as Jonathan already said- turned this script from good to great.

I've only got one little complaint. This starts really good with strong intriguing visuals (two characters covered in blood and carrying primitive guns escaping who knows what) while Cole’s narration tells us what’s going on here. But then, once Cole and Shannon lock themselves in this room, the visuals loose dramatic impact and become somehow irrelevant (i.e. “Cole runs a hand through thick, greasy hair”). These brief action lines may be useful to break up Cole’s narration in shorter and more readable blocks, but the thing is that Cole’s narration is left alone to carry the story (until the mutant appears). Not saying this is bad, but I think it could be better.

I wonder if you could introduce small visual glimpses of Cole’s narration and get out of the room for a while, until the mutant appears. It could be more interesting to watch a sinister doctor injecting a patient than watching Cole running a hand through his hair, you know.

Good job, man. Keep them coming.

This was a very good short! It sucked me in from the very beginning. The only complaints are largely minor. you forgot to capitolize Shannon's name when you introduced her and in the end you write-

...and we

CUT TO...

I was told never to refere to the veiwers as we or us. Overall a very entertaing short. Keep up the good work.
9 out of 10

Wow great short, one of the best shorts i have read on here, honestly my only real complaint is the fact that this is a short i wanted more, i felt like i walked in at the end of a really good movie and just caught the last scene.

But it does stand alone as a very solid short but i would love to read this story more fleshed out as a feature.

I re-read it and things sunk in better this time. Still, a really well-crafted short, with more suspense and intrigue than most features on this site.

Thinking about stretching this to a feature, it would be very difficult to keep the twist in the end. It could be done, but it would take some skill and creativity.

I think if done properly the twist would have far bigger affect if it was on a feature, i am a sucker for a twist ending so i think thats why i really liked this short and would like to see the suspense be built up even more with this story as a feature.

Thanks, everybody.

Quoted from Death Monkey Thinking about stretching this to a feature, it would be very difficult to keep the twist in the end. It could be done, but it would take some skill and creativity.

You hit the nail on the head, Death Monkey.

This is something I was planning as a feature. I have a fairly detailed outline that's expanding every day, but the biggest stumbling block is keeping the deception going for 90+ pages.

The feature idea was to have this set on an oil rig that's been converted into a medical research facility. As Pia says, I wrote the short version as a challenge on another website. It had to be 5 pages max, with considerable use of voice over, and I ended up with second place..

I kind of wrote this as a proof of concept for the feature (which might never materialize).  I have a lot on my plate at the moment but I'm still hoping to flesh this one out at some point.

Thanks for the feedback, guys.

Martin,
          amazing script. I had a gander because its past 1 am here and i was looking for a short read and i have to say you are an extremely good writer. The detail, the fluency, everything was spot on. The "Sunshine" song was very sinister, and was a very good paradox if that was what you were intending. Keep them coming.

Wow! This was certainly came out of nowhere. Good to see you writing again, Martin.

Anyway, I liked this one a lot. It was a real trip. With that said, I don't think I understood the full scope of what was going on. Cole's V.O. spelled out the backstory pretty much spot on... perhaps a little too much. I gather this was part of the guidelines of the challenge but still. It basically just filled in the blanks. I'm sure you're already aware of that though. With that said, had you had a little more breathing room with this one, I probably wouldn't let you off the hook. However one thing the V.O. wasn't able to explain was Shannon. I didn't understand what she had to do with the plot. The twist suggested she was a villain of some sort but I'm just not sure. It was all pretty confusing.

This has all the foundations to be stretched into a feature. Your writing's solid and you have an awesome concept. I just felt there were questions you couldn't answer well in the context of a short... and the V.O. was a little gratuitous. Anyway, good job, Martin. I hope you decide to expand upon this in the end. You seem to have given it some thought already. I'll keep an eye out just in case.

Hey Martin,

This is the first work that I believe I have ever read from you and I must congradulate on job well done. I never saw that coming. Can't wait till the feature. I only had aslight problem with the dialogue being that its a homeless person who speaks so intellectually. But it's the character that's speaking and I'm prob wrong in that aspect. So congrats on a fine script.

Gabe

Quoted from Martin Thanks, everybody. You hit the nail on the head, Death Monkey. This is something I was planning as a feature. I have a fairly detailed outline that's expanding every day, but the biggest stumbling block is keeping the deception going for 90+ pages.

Exactly. When dealing with a cool twist ending, one should be wary not to build the entire script around it, so the twist is the only thing jusifying the story. Then you start making your characters do irrational things just to set the audience up for a fall.

Or at least that is a major hazard, which is why I'm rarely completely satisfied with twist endings. They feel forced. Like Saw. Like Saw 2.

Or The Village.

But that's not to say you shouldn't try. You've clearly got the talent, so seeing if you can make it stick might be a great exercise.

Your idea about the oilrig sounds interesting too, and affords you lots a possibilities, by forcing your protagonists to stay in one place. With the drama.

Sorry, Martin, but I didn't like this piece.  I read this and I think, he scripted out the trailer for a feature length film.  That's all that this was, really.  A four page synopsis of a longer piece.

I had problems with Cole.  For starters, he's a homeless used in a medical experiment.  I don't think that any medical center or lab would take a homeless guy for an experiment like this; they like healthy lab rats.  That's what college kids are for.

I thought his voice over was completely inappropriate.  It just didn't belong here.  Shannon is with him.  He could be talking to her about everything that's happened (even if he was just talking aloud to himself).  And from the voiceover, he seemed to be a lot more than a homeless guy.  He was smart, alert, calculating and a lot more than what a homeless person should be.  Stop stealing my characters!  


Phil