Covert Careers by Pia Tomson - Short, Comedy - A married young couple has to come to terms with their own lies and deceit. < 15 pages - pdf, format

This one was a blast.
I liked how things turned around on Chester after he came clean, then turned around again at the end.
There was a lot of comedy in this one. I had two favorite parts... When she told him that she told everyone what his job was even though she wasn't supposed to, and when Chester was sitting on the sofa munching on Cheetos and calling other people losers. Come again? LMAO

Great job,
Cindy  

I enjoyed this one.  I think it moved along nicely and packed a good punch, bringing everything round and round, and then tying it all together in the end.  I think if I were in the situation though, and lost my job as a horse jerker, I'd probably be enroute to something along the lines of what was seen in the suicide scripts.

Nice choice of title as well.  I think it really fits in with the story.

Great Job.

Hey, this was a nice laid back little comedy.  Did not see the wife's job coming at all.  This one was real solid with a nice feel to the whole thing.  Good work!

that was pretty good! I liked it alot. Some of the dialogue was kinda iffy, but I liked it.

This one just flew by. Very fast read. Pretty funny too. not laugh out loud funny but it had some witty dialogue. I like the premise with his job and all, and how she told everyone he was a spy. haha.

Not much more to say about this. I do think he let her off the hook pretty easily when he found out she was banging her patients though.

This was definitely a good script. The idea was exceptionally clever and the twists were nonstop and worked every time. The twists and turns definitely kept me reading. Comedy-wise, I think this was decent but I think some of the jokes could've been executed better. Some of them take too long to get to the punchline. For example, Allison doesn't have to mention she's a sex therapist three times. Others are just kind of repetetive. The "dreams... about horses" are mentioned at least three times. Judging from the comedy movies I've seen, I'd say jokes lose their charm around the third time they're repeated. Don't get me wrong, this was definitely funny but it could've been less drawn out. On the whole though, this was a solid entry.

This is not very cinematic.  The jokes are OK, but you don't really show us anything. I'd probably be bored if this was on the screen.  Show him horse jerking, though I think if you researched this is probably a bit different then what you are thinking.  Show her in a therapy session showing an inept loser how to do it.

Dethan

It was a good little short.  Made me chuckle some. I thought some of the dialogue was a bit clunky and that it needed a bit more because it pretty much boiled down to two people chatting. But good job.

It’s hard to tell a story visually. And it’s even harder to do so when sticking to a challenge’s theme which is governed by the word “telling”. Yet the readers above me have a point, this one was heavy on dialogue and read more like a sitcom than a script.

Yet it has its merits. While many movies have dealt with husbands or wives finding out about the risky professions of their spouses (i.e. “True Lies”, “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”) this script kicks in with just the opposite angle, which is a quite interesting approach.

Not many laugh out loud moments in here, at least for me, but some bits made me chuckle; the wife’s sarcasm about his husband underperforming were quite amusing.

As far as the challenge rules goes, the theme was exhausted by p.5 since Chester gets his job back, so the resolution of this story is worked outside the theme’s parameter. Yet the theme is there so I’d say the script is ok-ish regarding this matter.

All in all, a good read.

Hey all!

I want to thank all of you who read this and left a comment.

I know some people who read it, but did not leave a comment. To those, I just want to say, please tell me what you thought about it. I'm not afraid of criticism, in fact I really really appreciate it, at least as long as it is accompanied by an explanation why or why not something worked or did not work.

Yes, I am aware this is not very cinematic and might read as a sit-com. If anyone has any suggestions on how to improve this, please let me know.

Btw, this was my first ever attempt at comedy and probably my last. Also want to mention that this OWC was lackluster. No ones fault, but the enthusiasm just wasn't there.

WOW! In one week, my deargod!

Hey Pia, as I said here I'm, dear. Great funiest story. Simple and easy to film. I'm thinking to translate it into Portuguese with your permision, of course.

It showed that you wrote something universal, that can be made by anyone around this poor and hurt earth.

The dialogues between Chester and Allison were so quick and smart like the best television shows I have seen. You said you wasn't a comedy writer...You laid, my dear. You did a finnest comedy here!

congrats!

Helio

Helio!

Long time no see!

Thanks for reading, you just made my day.  

I know this needs to be more cinematic and all, maybe you can make it that in Portuguese.  

Thanks again......oh and I've been seeing that wakizashi title for a long time now. Looking forward to reading it when it's up.

Hi, Pia! Read your stuff was a great pleasure, dear. (A rhyme!)

Yeah, it can be a great comedy play, too!

Don't worry, because I'll preserve your copyright, like based on Pia Tomson's short story, but the option preference is mine, isn't it?

About Wakizashi, it snaks slowly, because it is so complicate story to build. GW helped me long time ago with some pieces of advice.

This was a nice short, Pia.  Probably your best.  The banter between Allison and Chester flowed very naturally and the jokes worked very well.  I wasn't convinced with the ending, however.  It worked, but not as well as the rest of the story.



Phil