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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Sequoia Moderators: bert
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  Author    Sequoia  (currently 3639 views)
Don
Posted: May 13th, 2007, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sequoia by Chris Marsh (easymac742) - Drama - Some things can never be stopped...  After the death of his parents, Teague sacrifices his future to provide for his younger sister.  But, when the girl is attacked on the eve of her high school graduation, Teague makes a bigger sacrifice than he bargained for.  87 pages. - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  February 22nd, 2009, 3:29pm
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Death Monkey
Posted: May 18th, 2007, 4:26am Report to Moderator
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Chris,

I gotta say, this was one hell of a script. One of the best I've read on this site ever. I was just gonna have a peek at the first couple of pages, but before I knew it I was at page 79 and completely immersed in the story.

I have to admit the logline didn't do much for me, and I was afraid this was gonna be another bland high-school morality-piece with faceless characters and a plethora of "dudes" in the dialogue. Boy, was I wrong. You have created truly complex characters with whom we feel and understand, even the peripheral ones like Stacey or Dillon, despite their actions.

The story itself isn't that original, which was why I had some reservations in the beginning, but your script is so well crafted and layered that it doesn't matter.

SPOILERS

You do a great job of grabbing the reader by the throat on page 5, with the cigarette-burn scene. That one made me go "whoa!" and I was hooked.

Now, obviously I can't just pat you on the back all day, and I do have some issues with your script.

First of all, I think it's too short. I think you cut to the party and Will and Ariel too early on. I think that should be saved for about a half hour in instead of 15 minutes which is now. there are just too many climatic moments in a row within the first 20 pages.

Secondly, the ending. I did see that one coming early on, because it's been done before. Along the way I shyed away from that theory because you had Will almost flat out say he raped her. I see what you were trying to do, and it did work to some extent, but it did feel a little contrived.

I feel like Will, being given so many chances to clear up the misunderstanding, would have said something, either to Dillon or to Ariel. "I didn't rape her!" would be the first thing coming out of my mouth. Instead you do everything but explicitly have him say that he DID. Everything about him hints that he did rape her, and that makes the twist seem contrived to me, because had he just said the words "I didn't rape her" at some point the ending would lose its punch.

And then there's the fact that Ariel actually claims he raped her. What Will did to warrant such a reaction seems completely out of proportion with her response. I understand she's sensitive about her parents, but still. The line "I hope he's dead" confused me.
Is that supposed to be her guilt talking, or does she actually think he deserves to die for what he did?

Your descriptions are for the most part very good, although I noticed a recurring pitfall in that you describe some characters as being someone's ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. That stuff the camera can't pick up. Show us through the dialogue that they had a relationship once, don't tell us.

I wanna end on a positive note, because your script deserves it. You have wonderful dialogue. Funny, witty, earnest and touching. I loved the Fonzie-joke. I hadn't heard that one before.
Yeah, a little scatterbrained critique here at end perhaps, but suffice to say, your script actually moved me. That does NOT happen a lot.

Great job, and I'll keep a lookout for other of your stuff.


"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."

The Mute (short)
The Pool (short)
Tall Tales (short)

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Death Monkey  -  May 18th, 2007, 5:48am
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tonkatough
Posted: May 18th, 2007, 5:52am Report to Moderator
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MAJOR SPOILER

Wow,  when I first read this after Teauge beats the shit out of some poor drunk then burns out his eye with a cigarette, then you have script set up Teauge as a main character who care for his sister. My first reaction was what the fuck! What kind of sick arse story is this where you have your script have  a violent thug as a sympathetic Protagonist.

But as I read on and notice Will is at party with no scar or damaged eye it all clicked.

But what a great way to start a story. Brillant. You skillfully manipulated me and played me for a sucker. I thought this was happening and this guy was that but as you added each new scene it become apparent that everything is the opposite.

How the story unfolds is very hypnotic. Sort of like hanging around a car crash to see what the medic and fire brigade will pull out of the wreckage.

You know this story is going to end badly for all the characters, but how badly and how deeply will each character be effected?

The best part of this script for me is the plot structure. You manage to crank up the dramatical effect by chucking big spanners into the cogs of your plot.  Will getting killed for example.

This kept me sucked into your story, wanting to know what the out come will be.  

Not to sure about the ending, I don't get it. You twist the story around but it just seem to be a twist for the sake of a twist and contradict the entire story.  it not make sense for me? Not reason enough for her to act like a rape victim and what not.

Other then that this was a great effort everything was competent ( except the ending) and  I hope to read more of you scripts in the future.






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dogglebe
Posted: May 20th, 2007, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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This was a very enjoyable read, Chris.  You have a good sense of character development and storytelling.  The characters were three dimensional and honest.  No one was bigger than life and none were cliche.  It was refreshing to see drug-users not portrayed at sterotypical stoners.

SPOILER SPACE

Probably my favorite part of the script was how you showed the rape scene.  It was tastefully done and, not at all, graphic.  You were able to feel the horror of it (atleast until the very end of the script).

I did have a problem with some of your formatting.  You tend to describe things in ways that can't be recorded by the camera.  Examples of this are:

PAGE ONE:  "The driver is TEAGUE HOEKSTRA, mid 20s, working-class. With him are his friends, brothers WES and DAN MARCHANT"

PAGE NINE:  "DILLON FOPPIANO, a varsity swimmer with a touch of GQ style,"

PAGE THIRTY-SIX:  "It's sweltering."

You have to describe things in ways that can be recorded by the camera.  How would we know that Wes and Dan are brothers?  Or that Dillon is is a varsity swimmer?  Is he wearing a swimsuit and goggles?  How do we know it is sweltering?

Go through your descriptions.  While everything flows nicely, it doesn't alway mean it's properly written.  If it's not a visual or audio description, it's wrong.


Phil
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ReaperCreeper
Posted: May 24th, 2007, 1:39am Report to Moderator
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Well this deserves more reads than it has gotten so far. It was excellent. My only beef with it is that some of the characters seemed uneccessary (like Dan) and just in there to fill in space, however, even these characters were developed to a decent extent.

Just one thing: I TOTALLY saw the ending coming. Way too predicatble and (please don't get offended by this) it felt like you pulled it out of your ass. That was the downside for me.

--Julio
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EasyMac742
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 1:13am Report to Moderator
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There seems to be a consensus that the ending has got to go (it's a HELL of a lot better than the first draft, though).  When I revise this script, the ending will be priority one.  The next order of business will be to slow down pages 10 through 20 and space out the climactic moments.

I was terrified that people would find it boring...so in that respect, I am very pleased.


SEQUOIA(Drama/Suspense, 87 pgs)
THE LIVING(Drama, 40 pgs)

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EasyMac742  -  May 29th, 2007, 1:34am
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Tod
Posted: June 11th, 2007, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Hi.

I like your script very much. Excellent dialogue and well structured.

Other than the other people I loved the ending, and I didn't see it coming. It gives you a different view on former events and a deep look in Ariel's character.

The thing I like most was the atmosphere you've created.

So long!

Tod
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Calvin Paul
Posted: June 19th, 2007, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Chris. I enjoyed your screenplay. Like other readers, I couldn't stop reading. The dialogue between the characters was very realistic. I liked how you jumped back and forth throughout the story. The ending, which I didn't see coming, was a jaw dropper. Only thing I didn't like, was that it was a little short and things seemed to happen way too fast. Other than that, it was a damn good read.
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ka3mapx
Posted: January 23rd, 2008, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Hi Chris,

I'm an aspiring director and avid screenplay reader.  I come on here periodically and peruse to see if there are good scripts.  I can honestly say that there are only a handful of very well written scripts with good stories on this website.  Sequoia is definitely one of the betters scripts I have read.  Despite a weak logline, I gave it a whirl because it was short.  Your script reads very fast, with well defined characters and an intriguing narrative.  I've read other comments that your first 20 pages need to be expanded to develop things a little slower.  I suppose I'm in the minority who thinks that expanding it TOO much could be a detriment to your script.  If you haven't been produced yet, keep things as streamlined as possible.  The mantra "less is more" rings true very often.  That being said, I liked the rat-tat-tat pace of the first twenty pages.  It was punchy and kept things moving briskly.  I also liked your ending very much.  For most of the script, the reader is forming one opinion about the characters and your particular worldview and then, whoosh, the carpet is taken out from under our feet.  That's what I liked about it.  What I think needs work is making it more plausible, or in some people's cases, making it less obvious to the reader.  How you intend to do that is entirely up to you...but, be careful about expanding your script TOO much.  You have a nice little diamond in the rough here that needs to be chisled and refined.  I think if you expand it you run the risk of making it uninteresting and laborious.  A story like this doesn't demand an epic approach.  A good read.  Keep on plugging away.

Me
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grademan
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Awesome script! I liked it for all the reasons in the responses above. I did like the ending.

I also liked how you handled the missing padlock and watch. I thought someone was screwing with Teague on purpose. I was also liked how Dillon couldn't view the entire tape the first time. Nice subtle touches.
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chernochan
Posted: November 10th, 2013, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris, here is my review of the script.



"Sequoia" contains some pretty bad dialogue ("Ariel, I can’t sweep this under the rug. I can’t erase this. I’d sell my left arm if I thought I could undo it, but I can’t.") Some of it reads like an overripe soap opera ("You should have stayed home, Dillon." "Ariel, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do this." "Too late now.") But as poor as some of the dialogue is, other parts are pretty authentic (like Teague and Dan's conversation starting on page 37.) The interaction between the guys (Teague, Dan, Wes) is a fair, accurate portrayal of young men, buddies, who are scared and just want the best for themselves and each other. The writer knows what he's talking about (it shows) when it comes to the young adult culture. He knows high school kids, the slang, their behaviour, their psyche. The writing is clean, nicely short and sweet. But too much was left to the reader's imagination. I think that more detail (about the people, the settings, the town) would improve the script.

Ariel has zero personality (other than being a selfish insane brat, and a burden to Teague) whereas Teague is fraught with personality. Still, they both need major definition. I think the writer should do the following: scrape Ariel's current character. Make her really likable. Then, instead of her lying about the rape, make it less black and white, and more blurred. Maybe Ariel was extremely intoxicated, and she doesn't know whether she wanted it or not. Put things in the gray area, and not made so clear cut. Also, don't make Will such an aggressive jerk, referring to Ariel as a bitch all the time, etc. Maybe make him as confused as she is. Maybe the reason that he acts so unrepentant, is because he is just really scared?

It was quickly evident that Ariel was lying about the rape. Or at the very least, I was immediately suspicious of her story. Also, Teague putting his gold watch in the locker is too obviously a set-up. This needs to be way more subtle (why not just describe him as wearing it, when first introducing him; then, later, he can find the watch missing?) And the flashback that reveals what happened to Teague's parents is hammy as hell. I would tell the writer to cut it, and leave their fate to the imagination. (Overall, there are way too many unnecessary flashbacks.) The scene when Stacy is at Teague's house, and they sleep together... it's just bad. Everything with Stacy is bad. I don't know if it needs to be cut, or reworked. But right now Stacy is crap. And the ending is terrible.

"Sequoia" has potential, but needs heavy reworking. I wanted to like this one, but the script is half-baked.
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