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Occupied by Douglas Caldwell - Short, Comedy - A Short written about an average day at the office. What is the one thing everyone wishes for the most in the dreaded office bathroom? 7 pages - pdf, format
This was a good script. I chuckled at a few of the jokes. I like how each person has their own title, but I couldn't keep up with them because you didn't capitalize their names when we were introduced to them. Like, when Daniel walked in, I thought he all ready been introduced since his name wasn't capitalized, but he wasn't, so I was confused.
Your formatting is a bit weird. You need to fix that up too.
Your paragraphs are a bit clumped up. Separate them out by having about 3 lines per paragraph. It makes it look much cleaner and more professional.
Quoted Text
The man from the first stall flushes and exits the stall. The man walks by Phil, Rob, and Bill passing the sink altogether. Freeze frame *Poohander* All three men look at one another.
ROB Wow.
PHIL What... the hell.
ROB Now how are we going to get out?
PHIL We’re screwed!
That was the best part in my opinion.
I also liked the ending. This was a good script, and you just need to work on some formatting errors. You also have missing punctuations and some other punctuation errors.
Hmm, for some reason... I hope this isn't how people talk in an office bathroom.
As for the script - more an eww then laughs on my part. I guess, it didn't work for me.
The names were a bit confusiong : Bill/Rob/Bob, I just couldn't keep them straight. Not that it mattered, they didn't have any character behind them to stand apart from each other.
The dialogue was good. I agree with the above poster that the poo-hander bit was the highlight.
Problem: I thought it was a little slow.
The reason for this is that there is nothing going on that you want the characters to achieve. It's a slice of life in a bathroom that has it's moments, but there isn't a journey going on to pique interest.
It may be better if the poo-hander has prevented them opening the door and so the drama of the piece is them trying to find a way out. People can come and go and the script can remain intact but they have a mission (and a comedic one at that) that people can follow and be interested in.
What can we do? Paper. there's no paper. Someone else comes in, the door locks again. they've missed out. Conversation waiting by sink. Etc
The dialogue was good. I agree with the above poster that the poo-hander bit was the highlight.
Problem: I thought it was a little slow.
The reason for this is that there is nothing going on that you want the characters to achieve. It's a slice of life in a bathroom that has it's moments, but there isn't a journey going on to pique interest.
It may be better if the poo-hander has prevented them opening the door and so the drama of the piece is them trying to find a way out. People can come and go and the script can remain intact but they have a mission (and a comedic one at that) that people can follow and be interested in.
What can we do? Paper. there's no paper. Someone else comes in, the door locks again. they've missed out. Conversation waiting by sink. Etc
Just a thought.
That's actually a very good point. I had written "occupied" for a specific purpose which was why it was so short. However, now that the purpose of this script has gone south, I can't see any reason not to extend the work and include ideas that I had always wanted to include.
And there's a lot of activity, which was why I tried to incorporate a very simple, basic point to the story. Having something a bit more in depth probably would be nice to see, you're right.
But like i said, it's possible i may revisit this. Good suggestion, thanks.
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