Frankenscribe by Antonio Gangemi - Short, Horror - A frustrated, horror screenwriter sets out to impress his agent by conjuring the most terrifying monster he could imagine.  And gains a co-author in the process. (10 pages) - pdf, format

Just short of brilliant.

It's really refreshing reading something truly original once in a while.

Your descriptions are very good, even if you sometimes violate the cardinal rule of "write only what the camera can pick up". But I like your style, and you have a great flow.

Your dialogue is just top-notch. Some of the best I've seen in quite some time. Especially the conversation between the monster and Rufus concerning the monster's motivation for killing. Very clever and creative stuff. Funny too.

I think your ending needs more punch. More Oomph. A line or something. I think you kinda leave the reader hanging. Your story peaks 2-3 pages before the story ends, and that's too bad.

If produced this could probably only work as an animated short, what with the gore and effects you've got in here, but I would really like to see it on the screen either way.

Great job.

I thought this was pretty good.

I agree with Death Monkey that the ending could be stronger.  The dialogue is excellent and the overall story is a nice and original.

I liked your descriptions too but some will frown on them for including things not needed but hey each to their own.

Good stuff.

This is a damn good short! The dialogue is top-notch. I have to agree with the others about the ending, it's a little soft. (don't ask) Overall, a very good script.

8 out of 10

I hope you're around to receive comments and didn't just submit everything you've written once you found the site, since I noticed you have a few scripts up in this batch.

I'l agree with everyone else and say that the dialogue wokred quite well, but you do have a few instances of writing things that can't be filmed, most notably the line about Wally.

Also, the monster has a name, you should use it in his dialogue instead of just MONSTER all the way through.

I didn't find this to be a horror script at all.  Sure you've got a monster in here, but this is definitely more of a comedy.  I'll also agree with DM about this being an animated short.  It would probably be far too expensive to make otherwise.

Anyway, I enjoyed it.

Ahh, a second one from you two.

I think I prefer this one.  Nothing to nit pick about.  I actually like the discriptions.  The dialogue is great.  The pacing is about right.  It probably would make an excellent 10-15 minute short.  Nice job.  Hope you post a few more.  

Dethan

Thanks again for everyone's comments.  Aimee and I will be around to receive them; just set up an account today.  We've always been 50/50 on whether to call Frankenscribe a horror or a comedy.  Maybe in the end, it's more a horrific comedy, than a comedic horror.

T

Amazing how much can be told in a short.
I loved it.
I think it's more of a horror genre but the comedy works well.

I would use the monster's name instead of just monster.
Great short.
Elis

I was digging through the old shorts to see what I could find, and found this little Twilight Zone'ish gem that was a great read with the morning coffee.

I enjoyed the story, the characters.
I didn't think the ending was rushed. It msde me smile, too.

Cindy