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Nick of Time (currently 4232 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 5:54pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16417 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Nick of Time by Richard D. Kinsella (decadencefilms@37.com) - Short - Crime doesn't always pay! 3 pages - pdf, format |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Don - May 27th, 2007, 7:43pm | | |
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Zack |
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 6:07pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4497 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
*Spoilers*
I liked this alot! It was very well written and well paced. I was pleasanlty surprised by the bomb. This script has a certin charm to it. I probrably like it more than I should, but I don't care. Great job!
9 out of 10
Zack |
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Reply: 1 - 19 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 8:41pm |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Hehe I liked this one.
I didn't really understand the ending at first, but I thought about it and knew that 12:34 was familiar so I had to look back. When I got it, I chuckled and I liked the ending. Why was the guy there though? Was he meant to steal the bag that someone purposly left for him? Or was he a robber waiting for someone to accidentally leave their bag at the train station?
Sean |
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Reply: 2 - 19 |
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Scar Tissue Films |
Posted: May 28th, 2007, 5:13am |
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Posts3382 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Zombie Sean.
He was supposed to be just a random thief, but having read the script back it does seem possible to read into it that he is there for the specific purpose of collecting the bag.
I'll have to make a slight amendment to that.
Cheers, Rick. |
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Reply: 3 - 19 |
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alffy |
Posted: May 28th, 2007, 6:02am |
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Old Timer
LocationThe bleak North East, England Posts2187 Posts Per Day 0.33 |
Hey Richard
I must confess I really enjoyed this short. It was a quick read and the format was good. The story can be assumed as funny but do I gather your English too. As you've set this in England I assumed so.
The reason I mention this is because yes it does appear first to be funny but knowing the widespread painc in England now surrounding train and subway stations, this short takes on a different stance. A very real stance!
I commend you for writing this and somehow making it amusing and conveying a legitimal point about the times we live in. Jesus i've gone all political lol. Hey we all know you can't run for a train in England anymore!!! And you certainly can't leave a bag unnattended!!!
Anyway I liked this short, good stuff mate. |
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Reply: 4 - 19 |
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Scar Tissue Films |
Posted: May 28th, 2007, 6:08am |
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Posts3382 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
I have two versions of the script. This is the amusing one. The other is more disturbing. The scripts are both the same except for the very final scene. Here the action takes place behind a wall and ends with the comical glasses touch. The shocking end merely sees the explosion go off from behind the thief. He would be blown back and the smoke would fill the screen, taking us to the credits. I'm not sure which ending the audience and judges would prefer. The "Oh, Shit!" ending or the funny one. I plumped for the funny one in the end. It's a bit easier to film for a start. |
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Reply: 5 - 19 |
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alffy |
Posted: May 28th, 2007, 6:12am |
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Old Timer
LocationThe bleak North East, England Posts2187 Posts Per Day 0.33 |
I guess it's down to your target audience here. The comedy ending is the safer option but the shock one would leave a stronger impact. Hey it's your call lol. |
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Reply: 6 - 19 |
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Mr.Ripley |
Posted: May 28th, 2007, 8:22am |
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January Project Group Writing
LocationNew York Posts1979 Posts Per Day 0.30 |
Hey,
SPOILERS! this script read well. In these times now, the story made sense and thus ended well.
Format wise, you seemed to have capitilize everything that the reader must visualize except for the actor/actress (theif). This could be easily fixed by calling the theif something.
Probably because of my tendency to be specific in some parts of my story, I suggest in enlarging the description where the theif is prowling his or her target. Make it more as a montage seqeunce aquiring that feeling as if a kid is in a big candy store and has one chose for canyd. Hope the analogy makes sense.
Some parts of descriptions can be tightened up in order to allow room for to do so. One line you have written , "the bag is his" when he is walking close to it. I think its probably obvious, so this can be deleted.
Hope this helps, Gabe
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Reply: 7 - 19 |
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Scar Tissue Films |
Posted: May 28th, 2007, 8:46am |
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Posts3382 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Mr Ripley, Cheers for the review.
Quoted Text I suggest in enlarging the description where the theif is prowling his or her target. Make it more as a montage seqeunce aquiring that feeling as if a kid is in a big candy store and has one chose for canyd. Hope the analogy makes sense. |
That's the idea of the passage with the briefcases and rucksacks. I envisage it as a Tony Scott moment when he is watching all these different bags go by and he is looking for the best target.
Quoted Text The young man watches as briefcases, handbags and rucksacks hurry by on the arms and backs of businessmen, mothers and students. |
I need to make it clearer, that was the cause of Zombie sean's concerns as well. Rick. |
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Reply: 8 - 19 |
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dogglebe |
Posted: May 28th, 2007, 9:53am |
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Guest User
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This was an enjoyable short. You managed to capture a full story in only a few pages and managed to put a comical ending to it.
Phil |
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Reply: 9 - 19 |
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n7 |
Posted: May 28th, 2007, 10:37pm |
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This was really well done. Your description's were visual and to the point without being too wordy. I saw your comment about the possible different ending and would definitely stick with the one you already used. |
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Reply: 10 - 19 |
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The boy who could fly |
Posted: May 31st, 2007, 1:01pm |
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Old Timer
LocationBritish Columbia, Canada Posts1387 Posts Per Day 0.21 |
Hey Richard. I really liked this one. You wrote another short that was the same length but didn't work as well, but this one worked in every way. I really think you did a good job here so congrats, this shows you can tell a story in only a couple pages, which is really hard to do. I also thought it was funny, at least the twisted part of me, that young man got what he deserved anyways a job well done. |
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Reply: 11 - 19 |
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Gaara |
Posted: May 31st, 2007, 1:12pm |
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New I had an itch on my face...so I scratched it
LocationSunderland, England Posts161 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Hehehe what a funny little script. The guy does a bad thing and ends up a hero (well he did stop all those others from suffering a nasty and eplosive fate) |
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Reply: 12 - 19 |
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Death Monkey |
Posted: May 31st, 2007, 1:20pm |
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Been Around Viet-goddamn-nam is what happened to me!
LocationThe All Spin Zone Posts983 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
This was very good. A brilliant example of a short with a beginning, middle and an end that does what it sets out to do and leaves no loose ends.
I will commend you for your descriptions (well you don't really have dialogue), these are the kinds of descriptions I want to have in my scripts one day. So easy a flow, not a superfluous word in there yet you convey exactly what you must to make the story work.
Within the confines of its simple premise this short is pretty much flawless.
Very good work. |
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Reply: 13 - 19 |
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Dethan |
Posted: May 31st, 2007, 5:57pm |
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New
Posts90 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Hey,
This was really good for a 3 pager.
The CCTV camera confused me a little. I'm not sure if we're looking through the Camera's lens at the young man or if we're watching the camera.
Otherwise, no complaints.
If you did have to add something though... you might want to give us some hint at the hoodlums character. Is he a total jerk? The type of guy that would steal money from a blind musician? Or does he have a good side. Neither is needed, it is really good as is. I'm just have time on my hands right now.
Good luck with the contest.
Dethan |
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Reply: 14 - 19 |
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