Dust And A Deal With The Devil by Mike Jones (mgj) - Short, Film Noir - A con-man lets his conscience get in the way as he finds himself mixed up in a woman's scheme to murder her husband. - doc, format

Hey Mike,

Thought I'd pop this one open and have a look-see.

You have Ella as 35 and Mason as 40, but how old is Fred.  I'm assuming around the same age, but your description of him makes him seem a little older.

Mason talking to himself in the car may be a bit much.  It helps to establish what's going on with him, but I think less is more with something like that.  It works its way in a litte more obvious later on, but I still think it could be tweaked.

Not a big deal, but even with the adjoining suite I don't think any smart business owner would leave all the cash in the till overnight.  Maybe have a close by safe or something.

The (then)s would be better if you used an ellipse (...) or (beat).

To me, this had kind of a U-Turn feel to it, without all the crazy characters running around.  

A good read on the whole.

Good stoty.

I liked the way Mason battles with his conscience. The mirror approach worked well.
Greed certainly didn't pay off in this story.

A quick word on the formating. A little bit out of whack.
Reformat.  The characters should never be left without its dialogue at the bottom of the page.
I looks like you are using a novel page set up.
Your story will probably be about 20 to 22 pages long if reformated.

I did enjoy this!
Elis.

Hey Mike.

Thanks for the read.  I know what you mean about Mason talking with himself.  I was chanelling Robert Mitchum a bit if that helps you visualize things a little better.  There aren't many actors that can ham it up and get away with it but he was definitely one of them.

Fred was about 40.  I should have mentioned that.  You're right - he is a bit older.

Good point about the safe.  Hadn't really thought about that but it does make sense and would be an easy fix.



Elis,

Formating has never been my forte.  It's something I'll have to work on.  Hopefully it wasn't too difficult to read.  Also, not sure why the pages have a scroll bar at the bottom of the screen.  That is kind of annoying.  It wasn't like that when I wrote it so I'm not sure what happened.

Glad you liked it.  I did loosen the constraints a bit as I wrote this one - tried to have a little fun.  And thanks for the read.

Hey Mike,

I enjoy how you tell a story. A bit of formatting problems but these are simple to fix.

When Mason enters the motel and displays his switchblade, wouldn't fred the owner have a weapon like the shotgun beneath the table in case of these emergenices. And a switchblade really does not bring that much fear compared to a shotgun.

In addition, i think fred would call the authorites if he was threatened. And Mason, a fugitive, would not want to attract attention to himself that much, so he'll probably clean his knuckles.  

You also have long dialgoues. Break them up with descriptions. Describe the characters reaction.

Hope these help,
Gabe

Yeah I think I agree with pretty much every point people have made so far.

The talking to himself definitely gets a bit much, I don't think it's necessary in the car at all.  Also, this short is pretty dialogue-heavy in general, so wherever it could be cut I say do it.  The main thing I would say about this short is that it's not very theatrical.  Comes off a bit like a play.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing but personally with spec scripts I would say it's better to be big and have to write them down to a production than to start small.  Maybe I'm totally wrong on that though, it's not like I'm Mr. Hollywood over here.

I think we could've done with a few more events and a few less long conversations, but all in all this was certainly pretty well written and I definitely liked the way you used the mirror.

Hey Gabe,

You're right he probably would clean his knuckles.  He is pretty brash though.  As far as calling the authorities - I wanted to keep the police out of it.  That I'll leave for another story.

Thanks again.


HERETIC,

Funny, it never occured to me that this might be considered dialogue-heavy - that's why your play reference caught me a bit off guard.  I see what you and the others mean though; there are a few long exchanges in there. I imagine casting for something like this might be tough.

Thanks for the read.  

Mike,

Having read the above comments, I have to say, I think Heretic is right. There is too much talking and not enough action. In fact, really, the story doesn't start to jump until page 18. All the elements are there. You're an excellents story teller -- but in this case, I think the story unfolds too slowly.

As for the writing -- the descriptives, they were, in the opening scene, posessed with a kind of noir-ish quality that, I think, served the story well. For example, you describe Ella as having "a turbulent storm of dark hair and a pair of legs to match." As the story progresses, though, you drop this exaggerated, other-worldy, kind of language in favor of something a little more straight forward, a little more mundane. Why not play it up? If nothing else, it'll make for a more interesting read. This is probably bad advice. Still, it's something to think about.

Seth  

Hey Seth,

Thanks for the read.  The only thing I'll say in regards to the heavy use of dialogue is that interplay between characters is a hallmark of Film Noir.  It's always been more about style and mood as opposed to straight up action.  Everyone has brought this up though so I can't dismiss what you're saying.  I'll think about it.

As well, I'll definitely think about playing up my descriptions in the latter part of the story, make it more noir-ish.

I guess the story does take it's time unfolding.  I've been called on this quite a bit but I've always been a fan of the slow-build, especially in the way it adds suspense.  Perhaps for a short story like this it is a bit much.  I see your point.

Thanks again

-Mike

Mike,

   I'm sure you can tell that I haven't been on this site very long, but this is definately one of the better scripts that I've read so far.  I do agree with what everybody had said about the formatting, though.  I think it takes a little bit away from the pace of the story, but that's nothing that can't be easily fixed.

   There's one big huge thing I disagree with your critics about, though.  And that's the dialogue.  Although there were a couple kinks here and there and it probably couldn't hurt to be kicked up a notch or two, I think the fact that there's a lot of dialogue helps contribute to the kind of story you're trying to tell.  After all, what else is there to do when you're in the middle of the f*ck*ng desert, but conversate?  I think having Ella ask if the 'sand and dust is driving him crazy' yet as Mason tries to scratch an itch in the middle of his back was the best way to describe the desert.  Who says there's no imagery in dialogue?  So I disagree with what Mr. Ripley had said about more description and more character's reactions.  Anymore description and that would've taken away from the actual story.  

   I liked the characterization a lot.  Mason was very likeable and I doubt if there's a soul out there who doesn't want a little bit of his bad *ss personality mingling in with their own.  Ella (great name for a female heroine, by the way), I fell in love with the moment she burst into Mason's bathroom.  I even shook my head, smiled and thought to myself "Yeah.  She's a bad b*tch."  After that scene, though, you toned her down very considerably and we never saw that hard side of her again, even in the last scene.  I figured she'd at least give Mason a run for his money.  Afterall, he got busted and cut up in the beginning, a little more in the end probably wouldn't have hurt him, much.    Sorry, that's my cynical and violent side shining through a little bit.  I have to learn to control that.  If you don't want to hurt Mason anymore than he is, could you at least take it out on Fred?  I didn't like that *ssh*le from the beginning and would've loved to see him suffer a lot more.

   To me personally, I think it has a very Tarantino-esque feel to it.  Or Rodriguez.  But, that just might be from the dialogue.  Or him talking into the mirror to himself, which I think also fits the story well.  I do agree with Mike Shelton, though, in that it does get to be a little bit much, especially in the beginning.  I think some trimming down there would help a lot, and would get to the story a little bit quicker, not that I'm against a slow build-up.

   Other than those few things, I loved the script, and like I said, one of the better ones I've read so far.  I'm definately going to check out 'Milk and Redemption' now.  Even the title is begging for me to read that one.

   -Mark

Thanks Mark for the read and welcome to the site.

The dialogue seems to be somthing everyone is bringing up.  At some point I'll go back and reread this with fresh eyes.  It might give me a better perspective on what everyone is seeing.  It's funny because I never set out to do something that was dialogue-heavy.

Believe it or not I've never been influenced by Tarantino or Rodriguez.  I watched a few old noir films like 'Out of the Past' and 'Cape Fear' to get in the mood to write this.  Originally I had Mason giving the tradition voice-over narration that's so characteristic of the genre but thought it sounded cheesy, like I was doing a spoof.  That's why I changed it around to have him speak with himself in the mirror, to sort of play devil's advocate with his conscience.

As for the bathroom scene - I almost didn't include it, fearing it might be too over-the-top.  I had rewritten it with Ella simply seducing him with her charms but then changed it back at the last minute.

Thanks again.

-Mike

   Lol, that's a weird coincidence.  I just watched 'Cape Fear' (the original version with Gregory Peck), the other night.  Before that, it's been a long time since I even thought about that movie.

   I agree with you, though.  The voiceover definately wouldn't have worked with this story.  The mirror is definately the best way to get into Mason's conscience.

   -Mark

Hey MGJ.  

I didn't think you where writing scripts anymore. Been looking out for your next feature script. Here you are hiding out in the shorts section.

SPOILER

Poor Fred, He got really screwed over big time.  The ending of how Fred did what Ella wanted and still got whacked gave this script a bitter ending and made me fell miserable for poor Fred who was so clueless. When Ella gets screwed I just didn't care and I probably wouldn't have cared if you had ended the script with Mason leave the hotel, go to his car and gets squished by a helicopter that dropped out of the sky cause it ran out of fuel.

I had no problem with the format, dialouge or story stracture. It seemed all right to me. The script didn't set my world on fire but it did manage to hold my interest.

30 pages. Is this an exceptable page limit for a short? When does a short stop becoming a short and becomes to big to become a short? The way I understand it, a lot of these festivals where all these short films end up except films under twenty minutes. But I'm not a hundred per cent sure.  

  

Hey Tonka.

Yeah, I've been pretty busy these days.  No time to write features, just a few shorts.  Hopefully that will change in the not too distant future.

I wanted to write something with the bad guy as the protagonist.  Perhaps if I had fleshed this out into a feature I may have been able to evoke a little sympathy for Mason.  

I like those old Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns.  He always seemed to play ambiguous characters yet he was always clearly the guy you rooted for.  

Maybe I'll get back to this one day and flesh it out a little better.  Thanks for the read.

-Mike

P.S. - you're right.  Now that I think of it, Fred really did get screwed over big time.  Not sure why I had it in for him.

mgj,

Gave this a read this morning. Some thoughts on it.

I think it would have been better for Mason to "bribe" him with money instead of a threat.  A threat would draw unwanted negative attention. Maybe the guy calls the cops on him. If I were Mason, would've tried my luck with a couple of hundred dollar bills. Or else Fred's reaction and attitude toward Mason has to be changed. Right now it is too nonchalant.

"Well, at least we still have each other." -- is Fred that big of a sap? Most women would scoff at this line.

I thought the bathroom scene where Ella busts in on Mason needed a little sexual tension. Have Ella glance down at Mason or something. She's a woman, he's a man. Would seem like a natural reaction.

I'm not sure about the exchange between Ella and Mason. A little long winded for a her, I think. She doesn't have that big of a vocabulary.

Also, I don't think Fred's initial reaction to seeing his wife enter a man's room(who just threatened him, BTW!) whould be so bland. I think he'd either be furious or more worried for her.

Should be: "Sole benificiary"

I thought having Mason converse with his own reflection was well done. Gives his character depth. Somthing your other two character's are lacking in.

Whoa, the end caught me off guard. Great ending. One thing, what was the point of having the "surprise" of having Fred already sell the place? Doesn't do anything for the story. Nothing is changed because of it. No new drama. Everything still goes ahead as planned. I thought Ella would change her mind or at least show a little hesitation. She didn't.

I thought it was a great idea but needed a few minor adjustments.

Joseph