Obscure by Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - Short, Horror - After watching a scary movie, 9 year old Jessica must safely make it to her parent's bedroom in order to sleep. The only obstacle in her path is the darkness.15 pages - doc, format

Hey Grabriel!

It seemed to me very strange story. It remided me Matrix, maybe because of the lots of men wearing tinted glasses. I don't know why Jessica screamed with the DVD scene and didn't when she saw the men?!

All in all it was good nightmare!

I would like to thank Don for posting this up. Thank you Don.

SPOILERS!

Hey helio,

Thanks for reading this and reviewing it.

Jessica screams because she got scared. I thought I emphasized that through the sounds but I will need to emphasize it more than.

The men symbolized the parnoid feeling a person gets when they read or see something scary. That feeling of being prey.

Oddly enough, when I was writing this, the men in black actually made me think of the Matrix. But I kept it since I was fascinated by people dressed in dark clothing and the dark glasses. The dark glasses covers their eyes and removes the human side. The dark clothing for this piece was related to Jessica's fear of the dark.  This is why I utilized it.

The theme may be another problem. All men preying on a little girl. This is not what I had intended in mind but, it came out through the piece itself. What inspired me to write this piece was the Are you afraid of the Dark series I watched when I was kid and to improve my character development which I hopefully did.

Gabe

I had two problems with this script....

The first is that Jessica didn't seem to be aware of all the men in his home.  They're popping up everywhere but she doesn't react to them at all.  She didn't seem frightened by anything.  She didn't appear paranoid to me.  She stopped watching the movie and she went to bed; that's all.

Was she watching a horror movie of some kind?  You didn't show any of it, so I couldn't tell.  Whatever she was watching, you should show a little of it, even if it means making up a movie.

Your story idea seemed original and interesting, but it needs better execution.  Develop Jessica's fear.  If you do this, then her trip to her parents' room will be a real challenge.


Phil

Thanks Phil for your review. I'm gald you found this interesting.

I'll need to improve my descriptions especially for Jessica in order to emphsize her fear of the dark and to the men. I've always had problems with descriptions, in choosing the right word to convey the idea. And I guess i felt that I was narrating too much through description, but I'll find a way around this.  But I'm slowly improving on this aspect.  

She was watching a horror movie. I'll need to be more specific on that part. I thought the sounds will be best but this needs to go under revising.

Helio brought this up before and the men. So I have alot of work on my hands. Thanks again.

Gabe

I like the premise with this one Gabe.  Making a trek through a darkened house to your room after watching a scary movie can be fertile ground for a 9 year old's imagination.

I think though, you need to dig a little deeper into the psychology of Jessica.  Who are these men with glasses that keep appearing to her.  Do they represent something - a past trauma maybe or phobia?  Watching the scary movie was the trigger for these manifestations but what do they represent?  I hope I'm making sense.  The story from a narrative perspective feels  incomplete, like something's missing.

Typo - I think you mean 'melody'.

Your writing style is very visual but, like your title, it's quite obscure or vague maybe is the right word.  Again - a good premise.  I think you're on the right track.  I'll be interested to see any rewrites you do with this.

Hey Mike,

Thanks for your interest. I'm definietly going to rewrite this one again since it actually has some potential in doing well. I also have to do alot of edit on descriptions. I have already some ideas flowing in my head to take care of this. Thanks again.

Gabe
  

Hey Gabe,

I'm kinda with everyone else here, but I figured that she didn't even see the men, which is why she didn't react to them.

I liked the concept though, and I actually found it creepier that she couldn't see them.

You don't have a mention of the horror movie there, but I did assume that that's what she was watching.  Being in its early stages, I think you've got something good to work off of.

Hey Mike,

thanks for your input.

I tried to go for that feeling of paranoia especially for a kid. This is what most people have been talking. I need to develop this part more. I've got ideas on how to do this already.

For the horror movie, I'm going to add something there to make it more apparent.

Thanks again
Gabe

I really liked this one too.. I felt the paranoia of the men moving in and appearing even if Jessica didn't... which I think would be a very interesting way to progress, have her character a little more frightened, maybe see glimpses of something in the dark.. but all in all I really like it.. could make a good scary short

Thanks swivek. Yeah, I'm already focused on what to enhance in my rewrite. But the good thing is that I've at least improved on my material and writing from before.

Gabe

Hey Gabe, how are you doing?

This was a neat little story of paranoia. Really creepy. I'm sure everyone's had the feeling that there is something in the dark watching you.

I kinda wish you would have explained why there were men watching her instead of monsters or lions. Why men?

Also, other than the first man in the kitchen, it didn?t seem like Jessica could see the other men. Did she see them?

One thing I noticed about a couple of your descriptions...

-Near her unseen side, a glass filled with Pepsi tips over.-

-She walks to the sink, grabs a sheet of Bounty paper, and walks out.-

I thought you weren't aloud to use specified products in a script. It didn?t detract from the experience in any way, I was just wondering.

Overall, I liked it more than I thought I would. Good job.

~Zack~

Hey Zack,

I'm doing pretty good knowing that you enjoyed the short. Now to answer your questions:

I experienced this type of fear when I was young with horror films such as Micheal Myers and Jason. I watched them in the dark foolishily and once the film was done, I had to turn on the light quickly, thinking that they were going to pop up from somewhere. So, the men who follow Jessica are an omash to these fine gentlemen who scared the crap out of me when I was young.

I had intended for her to sense them, but not see them. Only the men saw her obviously. I will need to make this more apparent in the revision.

The descriptions I would need to go back and change. As I was writing, these minor parts slipped by me. I sometimes get too detailed. Thanks for notcing it.

Gabe

Hey, Gabe.  I like looking at your stuff because you always do rewrites, and actually use what you get.

But at the same time, you kind of drive me crazy because you always try to get all fancy and never tell a straightforward story.  While this is not as incomprehensible as “Phone and Jack”, you are still operating at some kinda’ fringe that I suspect only you completely get.

But forging ahead:

First thing, the word is Melody, not Mellowdy.  You use that right off the bat, then do it a couple more times.

Naming one character SIMPLY CASUAL MAN, and the next, CASUALLY SOPHISTCATED MAN, made me laugh.  No, it is not wrong.  It just struck me as silly somehow, and I am letting you know that.  Consider a different naming scheme.  Especially since you soon have a bunch more that you do not bother to name at all.

“She puts toothpaste on her toothbrush and puts it under the water; the toothpaste moistens.”  You are still giving too much detail sometimes, though you are getting better.  She is just brushing her teeth, Gabe, and it takes you nearly half a page.  Work on trimming your words.  Do not fill in every single blank for us.

So, once more, I don’t get it.  If they were all in black or something, maybe.  But at one point you’ve got 15 guys with jogging suit guy and a punk rock guy and who knows what else?  Are the Village People there, too?

I respect that you try to be evasive, and write stories where things are not always crystal clear.  Maybe these guys are not even malevolent.  Could they be friendly somehow, watching over her?  The spooky trip through the house is a good start, but this story will require more explanation before it works like it could.

But I am sure you’ll come up with something.    

hey Bert, thanks for reading my short.

Quoted Text I like looking at your stuff because you always do rewrites, and actually use what you get.

I take this as the best compliment ever given to me. Thanks bert. I always give 110% in my work as many writers here do also. As a result, I am slowly improving becuase of you guys. You guys tell the truth and help the writer improve their work. Without your honesty, Ill probably be a horrible writer by now. So, I Thank you guys for helping me improve.

Quoted Text But at the same time, you kind of drive me crazy because you always try to get all fancy and never tell a straightforward story.  While this is not as incomprehensible as �Phone and Jack�, you are still operating at some kinda� fringe that I suspect only you completely get.

Looking back at Phone and Jack, its more of a scene than a story. Thus, I took it off my signature box. Closed In and A Night To Remember are shorts that I foolishly attempted to make into shorts. I am planning to make these features to unfold the story more. But I think this one is somewhat clear and direct as opposed to Closed In.  

Quoted Text First thing, the word is Melody, not Mellowdy.  You use that right off the bat, then do it a couple more times.

Yeah...I completely missed that. I'm thinking of completely removing that but I'm unsure yet.

Quoted Text Naming one character SIMPLY CASUAL MAN, and the next, CASUALLY SOPHISTCATED MAN, made me laugh.  No, it is not wrong.  It just struck me as silly somehow, and I am letting you know that.  Consider a different naming scheme.  Especially since you soon have a bunch more that you do not bother to name at all.

I found that really difficult to describe and distinguish the men in black especially the leader. So i attempted to do so by describing their clothes; this was a big downfall. But I've been thinking about what else to describe them by.  

Quoted Text ]�She puts toothpaste on her toothbrush and puts it under the water; the toothpaste moistens.�  You are still giving too much detail sometimes, though you are getting better.  She is just brushing her teeth, Gabe, and it takes you nearly half a page.  Work on trimming your words.  Do not fill in every single blank for us.

I self judge myself. for this I was planning to put, "The man watches jessica brush her teeth." and that's it but i feel it leaves alot out. But im going to try my best in keeping things simple now.  

Quoted Text The spooky trip through the house is a good start, but this story will require more explanation before it works like it could.

I agree with you bert. as phil said before, many people liked the concept but disliked the end result. But it takes a child a lot of falls before the child learns how to walk. So must a writer do in order to improve.

Gabe